Pieces of Wisdom: Your Family Secrets Spilled

Tiredofstory
we gots no secrets. all we do is shed on cowch. that no secret.

Yesterday I asked you to reveal your funny family stories and you all came out in droves. Which leads me to wonder if any of your family members would be annoyed at you had they known their humiliation was made public in such a fashion. I mean, as much as this blog can be considered "public."

Let's stampede to some of your family stories, shall we?

Oh, wait. How annoying am I? There was one story I cannot recall if I ever told you before or not from my OWN family and I will tell that first. Because it's my blog.

My grandfather (Chuck, or Cluck) was an excellent guy. He said when he died, he didn't want any fuss. "Just stick a bone up m'ass and let the dogs drag me away," he'd say.

He died really suddenly and pretty much without suffering, which is good, but we were all pretty surprised that morning at Snow Funeral Home when we found ourselves planning his arrangements.

"What shall we do with the body?" asked Mr. Snow, the owner.

All of a sudden, we all had the same thought. Every one of us wanted to say, "Oh, just stick a bone up his ass." I am certain Mr. Snow must have thought we were terrible people to be snickering like that.

Even worse, days later when my father called to see if in fact Mr. Snow had cremated my grandfather and NOT done the bone thing, dad must have been playing a word association game in his mind, because instead of asking for Mr. Snow, he said, "Yes. Is this Jack Frost?"

My aunt and I died laughing. Died. And you know Mr. Snow heard us. He probably thought no family was ever so delighted to see a man dead as my poor grandfather.

But enough about me (hah!). On to your tales.

 

"My paternal grandfather, Poppy, died before my grandmother. My parents and I went to visit her and my mother had put together a bunch of treats and stuff for Gram, including a popcorn snack that my mother knew she particularly liked. We were all sitting around, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., and my mother started rooting around in the bag, saying, 'I know how much you miss this and how much you used to love it,' and presented my grandmother with a big can of Poppycock."

Posted by: Paula H&B | 24 May 2011 at 08:35 AM

 

"My youngest sister was 18 and going in for her first well-woman exam. She was asking us, her older sisters, questions about the procedure. We told her that it was basically like having a swab taken like when they test for strep throat. She said, 'But I'm not going to gag or anything, right?'"

Posted by: Kathi | 24 May 2011 at 09:51 AM

 

"Once, we were in the car, and our parents let us choose the music. As Will Smith’s “Getting’ Jiggy With It” was playing, we kids were all bobbing our heads, singing along, and my stepdad looked at my mom and said, 'What’s he saying? Get the chicken ready?'
I still think of that every time I hear Will Smith sing.

Also: my stepdad’s deafness has, after many years of the TV blaring, given my mother hearing problems too. I once sat in the living room and heard my parents have this conversation not two feet away from one another.

Dad: Did you get potato chips at the store?
Mom: I didn’t know you needed toothpicks.
Dad: I didn’t say toothpaste."

Posted by: Fawn Amber | 24 May 2011 at 10:09 AM

 

"You know those short display beds at the department store? My Dad used to tell us they were for midgets and my brother was 22 before he realized that Dad was lying.

Don't give me any crap for saying "midgets" either. I'm relaying a story."

Posted by: Jen | 24 May 2011 at 10:59 AM

 

"The whole family was having a reunion. My grandfather, Pappy, was talking up a blue streak with all of his relatives. After about 20 some odd minutes of flapping his gums, he announced that he had to go to the bathroom. So up he jumped with his smoking pipe in his hand and headed for the house. Pappy came back out to reclaim his seat. And of course, as a 10 year old kid, the first thing I noticed is that his pants were unzipped. But before I could say a word to him another kid shouted out, 'PAPPY! Your barn door is open! Your mule is going to get out!'

Pappy didn't miss a step or blink an eye, but responded right back to this kid, 'Damn mule can't get out if it can't get up!'"

Posted by: Jim in Colorado | 24 May 2011 at 12:12 PM

 

"Last week my SIL and I were shopping. We were looking at bracelets, and saying which one's we thought were cute…blah, blah. To which my SIL replies with a serious face, 'I need another bracelet like I need another head in my hole'…peeing a little just replaying it in my head."

Posted by: MO from MO | 24 May 2011 at 12:38 PM

 

"When I was a teenager, there were way more female people in our house than menfolk. Which meant a lot of people on synced up menstrual cycles. And my step-father was the king of saving a buck or two. So he figured out that going to Safeway and buying the tampax by the giant case was way cheaper than making monthly trips. He goes and gets his giant case of tampax and heads to the checkout lane and the highly embarrassed teenaged checker girl looks at him quizzically. And he said . . . . . .

'I smoke 'em'"

Posted by: Lisa Pie comes from a family of embarrassing moments-having people | 24 May 2011 at 02:40 PM

 

"My brother and I went to church with some neighbor friends. When we got home, mom asked how we liked it. 'It was fun,' my brother said, 'We played hide and seek in the stinkys.'

Pews. We were playing in the pews."

Posted by: The Furry Godmother  | 24 May 2011 at 02:59 PM

 

"Another Aunt Dorothy story: She and Eddie and another couple were sitting in the back yard just looking up at the sky when a jet flew over with the two tails of smoke. The other lady said to Aunt Dorothy, 'Don't you wish you could do that?' Aunt Dorothy said, 'I could if I had two arse-holes and was on fire!'"

Posted by: Darcy | 24 May 2011 at 04:03 PM

 

And one more from Paula H&B, because Paula H&B is funny. Is what she is.

"I can't believe I forgot this one. A couple of years ago, my husband got me a Mother's Day card. Part of the verse inside about why he loved me, etc., said, "…and for loving my children as if they were your own."

I've been married to him (that jackass) for 27 years and we only have children together! Then he yelled at our daughter for not reading the card before he bought it!"

Posted by: Paula H&B | 24 May 2011 at 04:52 PM

 

Oh, you all had so many stories. Just reading them again made me chuckle. Go read yesterday's comments if you want to see all of them.

In other non-family-story news, remember how I was all set to get that cream-color kitten next month when I go to my home town? It DIED yesterday. Poor little thing. It was being bottle-raised and sometimes that happens with orphaned kittens. Also, it was going to be mine, and I have a black cloud over my head or I'm Angela Lansbury of kittens or something.

So there went that friend for Roger.

But there are other kittens in the world…

155 thoughts on “Pieces of Wisdom: Your Family Secrets Spilled

  1. If I had a Siamese, I would walk around singing “we are Siamese if you please, we are Siamese if you don’t please”
    Darn Disney movies.
    Thank you for your concern, we are 2 hours from Joplin and are fine but we had a family from Joplin in our restaurant today (dropping their kids off at grandmas in our town so they could go back to help find bodies). They looked dazed.
    I bought their lunch.
    Effing tornadoes.

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  2. Siren, dammit, my favorite cat was our grey tabby. My parent’s longhaired orange tabby was equally sweet.

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  3. Sadie, yes and the kitty in the tub comment. Sounds like she has her hands full! I thought maybe she might be using some craft paint to turn those adorable grey kitties into calico kitties for those of us loving the calico.

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  4. Sadie's parents were born and raised in the great state of Mo and told stories about the midwest tornadoes. says:

    Funny, I had no idea you are that close to Joplin. I cannot begin to imagine what the survivors are dealing with.

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  5. Lisa Pie, you know June is going to make us wait until morning.

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  6. Lisa Pie, you know June is going to make us wait until morning.

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  7. Lisa Pie, you know June is going to make us wait until morning.

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  8. Saw a lost and found sign today near the mailbox… lost brown and black cat answers to name “mudpuddle”….. soooooo a gray/grey Siamese …. now what was the Mount Lesbians Band name? Gray Thai… Bang the Cock, Cock and Bangers (hey Nithya)…(The King of Thailand is the head of state and head of the ruling Royal House of Chakri.The current monarch of Thailand is His Majesty King Bhumibol Adulyadej.)
    Sooo… new cat can be Bhumibol….bummyboil.

    Like

  9. Saw a lost and found sign today near the mailbox… lost brown and black cat answers to name “mudpuddle”….. soooooo a gray/grey Siamese …. now what was the Mount Lesbians Band name? Gray Thai… Bang the Cock, Cock and Bangers (hey Nithya)…(The King of Thailand is the head of state and head of the ruling Royal House of Chakri.The current monarch of Thailand is His Majesty King Bhumibol Adulyadej.)
    Sooo… new cat can be Bhumibol….bummyboil.

    Like

  10. Saw a lost and found sign today near the mailbox… lost brown and black cat answers to name “mudpuddle”….. soooooo a gray/grey Siamese …. now what was the Mount Lesbians Band name? Gray Thai… Bang the Cock, Cock and Bangers (hey Nithya)…(The King of Thailand is the head of state and head of the ruling Royal House of Chakri.The current monarch of Thailand is His Majesty King Bhumibol Adulyadej.)
    Sooo… new cat can be Bhumibol….bummyboil.

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  11. Amish Annie feels horrible for the folks in Joplin, I had to turn off CNN today, it was so bad. Sadie, what part of MO. are your parents from? says:

    Letha, Chocolate Cake 82? Did I miss something? Is it cat or cake related? We just ate out at a cute Italian restaurant and I now plan on inhaling the carrot cake which I brought home with me. Yum.

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  12. What the f*uck is he talking about?
    No thanks, Zadge…I’m still full from dinner.

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  13. Seriously, I never know what the hell Cosmo’s Dad is trying to communicate.
    In other news, MY BABY CARDINALS HATCHED TODAY! They are so unbelievably ugly and breakable-looking.

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  14. hahaha, so glad i am not the only one who didn’t understand a word…
    aa, letha is referring to my email address, sachertorte is a chocolate cake and she seems to like it 🙂
    siren, congratulations! as soon as they hatch you forget what a pain in the -wherever- it was to lay the eggs,right?

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  15. Amish Annie yeah, they're just okay. That's a lie, they're so freaking CA-UTE!!!! Help, somebody stop me from saying the cu...you know what I mean,,,CA-UTE word! Argh! says:

    Oh my lordy Siren, saw the pictures of the baby cardinals on your blog and the only thing I can say is, sorry, this is sickening for you I’m sure…CA-UUUUTTTTEEE. Kill me now, they are so ca-ute! Ca-ute, ca-ute, ca-ute!!! I can’t stop saying it! Ca-ute! Sorry, but they are, you know…mother-freaking ca-ute!!!!

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  16. Amish Annie yeah, they're just okay. That's a lie, they're so freaking CA-UTE!!!! Help, somebody stop me from saying the cu...you know what I mean,,,CA-UTE word! Argh! says:

    Oh my lordy Siren, saw the pictures of the baby cardinals on your blog and the only thing I can say is, sorry, this is sickening for you I’m sure…CA-UUUUTTTTEEE. Kill me now, they are so ca-ute! Ca-ute, ca-ute, ca-ute!!! I can’t stop saying it! Ca-ute! Sorry, but they are, you know…mother-freaking ca-ute!!!!

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  17. Amish Annie yeah, they're just okay. That's a lie, they're so freaking CA-UTE!!!! Help, somebody stop me from saying the cu...you know what I mean,,,CA-UTE word! Argh! says:

    Oh my lordy Siren, saw the pictures of the baby cardinals on your blog and the only thing I can say is, sorry, this is sickening for you I’m sure…CA-UUUUTTTTEEE. Kill me now, they are so ca-ute! Ca-ute, ca-ute, ca-ute!!! I can’t stop saying it! Ca-ute! Sorry, but they are, you know…mother-freaking ca-ute!!!!

    Like

  18. I actually understood Cosmo’s Dad’s logic. However, CD, I don’t think the kitty is Siamese so that throws the whole Thailand connection out the window. I just don’t think June will name her new kitten Bummyboil. Somehow, that name does not conjure up a cute kitty to me.

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  19. Anita, I think June got talked out of the puppy and stopped off at the pound on the way home and reserved a new kitty. To be named Wilco, I think.

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  20. Oh my gosh … I don’t know how I was lucky enough to find this blog, but I’m SO glad I did. However, if someone had told me I’d find myself laughing to TEARS over posts about dead grandpas and beloved pets being dug up, I’d never have believed it. Yet, here I am.
    My faves (though there are many) … 49 JJJ hoots, “Those twin dogs walkin’ you?” Roger Sterling not toofpayst … hoo, boy, I’m cracking up right now.
    Anyway, fellow Michigander (Tri-Cities, oh wait, I mean GREAT LAKES BAY REGION) and blogger, just wanted to say thanks for the laughs.
    Oh, and I’m sorry to hear about your kitten! We saved an abandoned kitten last fall that my neighbors were just letting starve because the mom kitty disappeared (can you believe the heartlessness). We bottle fed her for a week and then took her to our vet, who has an adoption center, but he wouldn’t take her because she was too young and probably wouldn’t survive in the shelter. Long story short, we fell in love and now have three cats.

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  21. I know all y’all are talking cats right now but I just have to say that Paula H&B’s Mother’s Day card story just slayed me. “the jackass”! BAH!

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  22. Welcome, Sheri. Be prepared to laugh every day, but don’t eat or drink while reading June’s blog or you will either choke or spew all over your computer.

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  23. June,
    I wish I had a good story for you–I love these! I also wish you were my neighbor. Hillsboro, Oregon, is lovely, in case you’re interested 🙂

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  24. Thank you, Sadie! Most days I read this blog at night after the family’s gone to bed, so I’m usually sitting on the couch, trying to stifle loud guffaws of laughter, and end up breathless and in tears. It’s awesome!

    Like

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