Friends, June's stupid life, Not Grace Kelly

In which June learns about rectal thermometers

I just got back from Sleeping Beauty's baby shower, and man do I know nothing about babies.

Gifts

S.B. at her opening. What two people are desperately in love with themselves, that we continue to show Sleeping Beauty sleeping in every picture of her on this blog? Also, I am certain the person who thought of, shopped for, paid for and wrapped this gift was delighted to have me stop everything and make S.B. pose in this ludicrous fashion.

It was hilarious to see the difference between women who HAVE babies giving Sleeping her gifts, as opposed to those of us who have never had babies. We childless oddballs kind of huddled together at the back of the room, having given Sleeping Beauty either (a) things from her registry that completely baffled us, but we figured they looked practical or (2) baby-sized feather boas. Because what baby should go through life without a feather boa?

I got her all the breast stuff she registered for, just because I thought I was hilarious. Breast cream, breast pads, some odd plastic baggies in case your breast poops or something, and then the finishing touch was an "I suck" onsie I found online.

Kind of love myself for knowing what a "onesie" is. Oh! And her card was a love card, about how the flames rise when our lips meet, and how I ache for her when we're apart.

Why does anyone like me?

But the MOMS! "Sleeping, this whoo-dee-whoo was not on your registry, but you are gonna need it EVERY.DAY." they would say, as she would unwrap some contraption that served as a tanning mat or something.

"I got you the rectal thermometer because I tried 93950305 thermometers and it's the only way to get an accurate reading on a baby," a really gorgeous mom said who was sitting near me.

Really? See. This is why my children would perish. I would have been all, you're fine. Quit your crying. This meat thermometer says you're 98.7.

The house where the shower was held was my dream home. Am thinking of moving in and seeing if they notice.

Flowers
It was decorated beautifully, too. I do not think you can find a prettier flower than the peony. Give me some peonies and some lilacs and I am set for life. Well. Set till the lilacs die the next day.

Loot
Here's Sleeping Beauty's loot before she opened it. Mine is the purple and green bag. Who knew it was full of breasty items and a love card?

Mikey
There was a doggie at the party, and when I saw him, I waved and said, "HI, DOGGIE!" then I got on the floor and petted him. Minutes later, a four-and-a-half-year-old child came in and I watched her greet the dog EXACTLY the same way I did. It is remarkable how mature she is.

I know said child is not between 18 months and 10 years old, as I usually do with children, because I asked her. Then I told her I was 45 and a half, and she said, "Wow," in this really dismissive way, like she could barely believe I was even alive. I told her the dog bit people.

I DIDN'T! Geez.

Spread
There was delicious food, and today everyone's pee will smell like asparagus. Also, look at the teensy flowers! Cute! I wish I had presentation skillz. I wish I had serving dishes. I wish I could serve things other than cheesy puffs and a keg at my parties.

Cake
Yes, I DID have a piece of this cake. What are you, new? I used to work with a guy who said that and I always got a kick out of it.

So it was a good time, and Sleeping looks excellent. She is not one of those people who got the pretty sucked out of her by pregnancy. This is important, because I try to have pretty friends.

Chins
My chins and I are very persnickety about this.

65 thoughts on “In which June learns about rectal thermometers”

  1. Sleeping Beauty also seems to have a Rapunzel thing going on. What pretty hair!
    Oh and I don’t think the sleeping picture thing is ever going to get old. I like how she is still managing to hold up the foofy girlie dress while still being sound asleep.
    Also, I love Cheesy Puffs. If I went to a party (HA as if) and there were no Cheesy Puffs I’d feel totally betrayed. Because I am super classy that way.

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  2. Sleeping Beauty ~ you look FAB!! Here’s my unsolicited baby advice contribution: Boudreaux’s Butt Paste.
    Your baby’s arse will thank you.

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  3. a) it’s a june bug…it can fly…
    b) meat thermometer in baby…how do you read it?
    rare…get baby dressed…too cold!
    medium…baby good, wrap in aluminium foil and let it rest
    well done… baby has fever…(might be dry, serve with gravy)
    c) as if june had a meat thermometer….
    d)asparagus pee is so cool, you are in the bathroom, hours after you had lunch and suddenly you remember how good the asparagus was.
    e)how did that happen? internet is a strange thing…
    http://www.carportsadelaide.net.au/blog/francis-carport-bye-bye-pie/

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  4. Letha, the VA State Patrol are faster, they will get you if you speed and if you get caught with one of those radar thingies, they will put you under the jail. For real. One of our best friends was a VA State Trooper.
    Okay, June, how long did it take you to drive to DC?

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  5. Tee, I am thinking it’s only about 5 hrs. Still a lot of driving for one day. But that yellow bug is probably pretty fast.

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  6. Actually, it was the PINK dress SB was holding up in the first photo.
    My, my someone’s social calendar is full these days, which is a great change from last weekend, right?

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  7. Beth, I will totally buy your *updated* etiquette book. On sale soon at Target.

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  8. I’ve had 3 babies and I never used a rectal thermometer. Blech! How exact of a reading do you need? If they are hot, bad, if they are burning up, worse.

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  9. PJ's mother was shocked, I tell you, shocked! when she heard about that RUDE game and wondered what the world is coming to. says:

    Did you play the game where everybody gets a little tiny diaper pinned on their shirt when they arrive and then at some point in the party everybody takes off their little diaper and opens it up and the one who has the poopy diaper wins the prize? Probably not. Your friend don’t look as classy as mine.

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  10. Steve’s Wife, Beth, I’m with ya. My epidural anesthesiologist holds a special place in my heart. I have no memory of who he was or what he looked like, but it is inconsequential.
    I like baby/bridal showers only if there is decent food. This shower looked like a good one!!
    Congratulations, Sleeping Beauty. Baby girls are wonderful!!

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  11. Those snot sucker things are AWESOME!!! My kids hated them, but I had to have major surgery on my nose a few years ago. Couldn’t blow my nose for 3 months, and had to use that thing. It is SO WAY BETTER than kleenex! Everything is gone at once! We call it the brain sucker.

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  12. I was helping my mom teach a 2nd and 3rd grade Sunday School class once, and I had asked one of the kids how old he was as we were talking about age. He then said, ‘well, how old are YOU anyway’? and when I told him, he informed me that even his grandfather wasn’t that old and that I must be ancient. Since I do not have kids I had no idea how to respond except to tell him that when you got to be as old as me, you ate rude kids for a snack.

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  13. Best wishes to Sleeping Beauty for an easy labour. It is a bittersweet weekend here. I was once a delivery room nurse many years ago, and I loved my work. My husband is an Anesthesiologist who, for more than 30 years, has given epidurals for women in labour. Today, the whole department moved to another hospital, ending about a 100 year tradition of fantastic care. All the babies were transported, six minutes apart, with a police escort, and street closures to ensure their safety. I have a couple of the pink and blue receiving blankets to sniff. End of an era at St. Joseph’s Hospital here in London Ontario

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  14. And also, too, SPB, Love your hair! You look so pretty and fresh.
    Speaking of pretty and fresh, I hope June’s plans include air conditioning because it a hellish 95 degrees out there!
    And to get as many topics in one post as possible, love lilacs because they bloomed in June in Michigan so I associate them with the last days of school and carrying a huge armful of them to school.
    And Letha, Ewwwwwww.

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  15. And also, too, SPB, Love your hair! You look so pretty and fresh.
    Speaking of pretty and fresh, I hope June’s plans include air conditioning because it a hellish 95 degrees out there!
    And to get as many topics in one post as possible, love lilacs because they bloomed in June in Michigan so I associate them with the last days of school and carrying a huge armful of them to school.
    And Letha, Ewwwwwww.

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  16. And also, too, SPB, Love your hair! You look so pretty and fresh.
    Speaking of pretty and fresh, I hope June’s plans include air conditioning because it a hellish 95 degrees out there!
    And to get as many topics in one post as possible, love lilacs because they bloomed in June in Michigan so I associate them with the last days of school and carrying a huge armful of them to school.
    And Letha, Ewwwwwww.

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  17. Sleeping Pregnant Beauty, That is NOT your MOTHER! What are you, 10?

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  18. Congrats, Sleeping Beauty! Looks like a great time. Those flowers are truly beautiful, and no one is mentioning the wonderful snapdragons, which I love along with all the others.
    That’s okay June, a meat thermometer would work fine…you just have to be sure you’re not touching the bone.

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  19. My city, Spokane WA is the Lilac City, we have a Lilac parade and a Lilac queen and everything! The lilacs are blooming like crazy right now and I have spent much of this weekend smelling them, they are awesome! Love peonies too, and roses and all other fragrant flowers. I would wear all those old lady fragrances, except to me they smell like someone died at the flower shop.

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  20. See, I have children which is why I like going to the showers. ‘Cause let’s face it, a day out is a day out, especially when there is free cake involved.
    And, LMAO, and the rectal meat thermometer.

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  21. Also too – thanks for the comments on my legs looking good. That made my day, as last week I had a little issue with my left ankle and foot swelling up and looking like an elephant foot while the right one stayed pretty normal. Seems to have cleared up though, thank god.

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  22. June was supposed to spend the night with me, and I had planz to show her a good time (clubbing til dawn, dropping X, etc) but she blew me off for those sunday plans. 😛
    Also too – I did indeed get one a those snot sucker things, thankyouverymuch – and I had registered for it too. I understand it’s ver’ ver’ useful.
    AND – thank you for the compliments on how I look in this pregnancy – June managed to take the only photo of me I kinda like from this shower, since otherwise I really look about as big as a HOUSE. Seriously.
    Finally – on behalf of my mother, thank you for mentioning the cutie-pie in the yellow dress and pearls. She is indeed my mom. And she lives in Detroit, which while DC is technically the south, Detroit could never pass for.
    Thanks, y’all! I’ll be sure to send June some pix of my little daughter doing what I’m sure she’ll do best – Sleeping.

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  23. Tee, she IS having a girl. Are you pa-siiy-kick, or did you base it on the pink wrapping paper and such?
    Also, I was supposed to spend the night there, but on the drive over I got an email from another friend, “June, I’m really looking forward to our Sunday plans!” Crap. Who forgot about the Sunday plans? So I drove back last night. Because that is the kind of friend I am. Forgetful.

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  24. PJ prefers baby showers to wedding showers which she hates. And she also hates weddings and receptions. And she is not a bad person. Go figure. says:

    Just reread my signature line. Bitter much?

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  25. PJ prefers baby showers to wedding showers which she hates. And she also hates weddings and receptions. And she is not a bad person. Go figure. says:

    Just reread my signature line. Bitter much?

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  26. PJ prefers baby showers to wedding showers which she hates. And she also hates weddings and receptions. And she is not a bad person. Go figure. says:

    Just reread my signature line. Bitter much?

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  27. PJ prefers baby showers to wedding showers which she hates. And she also hates weddings and receptions. And she is not a bad person. Go figure. says:

    Is DC considered part of The South? Because nothing says The South like that cutie pie in the yellow sheath and the pearls.

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  28. PJ prefers baby showers to wedding showers which she hates. And she also hates weddings and receptions. And she is not a bad person. Go figure. says:

    Is DC considered part of The South? Because nothing says The South like that cutie pie in the yellow sheath and the pearls.

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  29. PJ prefers baby showers to wedding showers which she hates. And she also hates weddings and receptions. And she is not a bad person. Go figure. says:

    Is DC considered part of The South? Because nothing says The South like that cutie pie in the yellow sheath and the pearls.

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  30. Snot sucker! Bhaha Nothing brings back motherhood more vividly than rectal thermometer and snot sucker.
    Pretty everything…SB, June, flowers, doggie.

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  31. “…meat thermometer…” cracked me up!
    SB looks really pretty. Is is a correct assumption that SB is having a girl? That is good looking food for a baby shower. Usually the menu is cake, mints and peanuts. I must agree showers aren’t my favorite thing.
    Did you take any other photos of that house? AND You look really beautiful.

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  32. Arlene, the onest, the rest of my signature line was “what with the absorbancy of the pads.”

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  33. Yes I was, Mrs. Oh. I made a little comment about biting my tongue so I didn’t make a crass comment about my anatomy. But pray tell, what were YOU thinking?

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  34. Add me to the list of people who hate baby and bridal showers. You’re expected to ooooh and ahhh over every.single.gift including the snot sucker, and if you don’t, you will be Discussed.
    Peonies are my favorite flower in the whole wide world. 2nd place goes to Lily of the Valley. When I was in Vancouver last May, I saw some LotV growing in a park and THAT was something worth oooohing and aaaahhhhng over.
    Unlike the snot sucker.

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  35. Beautiful shower for a beautiful mom to be. June you look fab-u-lous, dahling! I like baby showers but when the moms start telling horror birthing stories…no one wants to hear mine. Two hours from the very beginning to the finale. Both times. Didn’t breast feed mine (wasn’t really the thing to do at that time around here-and I was too shy) so I wouldn’t know what breasticle items are useful. In fact, most of the things I see in the baby dept. are totally greek to me. My mommyhood was pretty basic. Kids turned out pretty good though, *I* think.
    And Sadie, I really need to what didn’t make it into your long signature block.

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  36. At least you didn’t get her the mucus bulb sucker thing. I didn’t even know that thing exsisted until I had children.
    And Hulk – you weren’t even a tad bit curious as to what keeps you from being the perfect man eh? *hrmph*

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  37. Sadie got the biggest laugh catching up on the comments, especially the ones about sex-ed class and your first period. One of my favorites was the dog who ate all of the pads out of the kit. How long did it take before he could poop or pee again what wi says:

    June, that was a whirlwind of a trip. I’m sure you will suffer jet lag since it was in your same time zone and all.
    The few baby showers I’ve attended were always fun because everyone was so happy for the expectant mother. Since I never had children, I couldn’t join in on the horrors of labor and childbirth stories. Those stories must have been a joy for the expectant mother to hear.
    SB, I see where you got your name. You are a beauty. If we ever saw your eyes, I’m sure we would think they are pretty, too.

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  38. Sadie got the biggest laugh catching up on the comments, especially the ones about sex-ed class and your first period. One of my favorites was the dog who ate all of the pads out of the kit. How long did it take before he could poop or pee again what wi says:

    June, that was a whirlwind of a trip. I’m sure you will suffer jet lag since it was in your same time zone and all.
    The few baby showers I’ve attended were always fun because everyone was so happy for the expectant mother. Since I never had children, I couldn’t join in on the horrors of labor and childbirth stories. Those stories must have been a joy for the expectant mother to hear.
    SB, I see where you got your name. You are a beauty. If we ever saw your eyes, I’m sure we would think they are pretty, too.

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  39. Sadie got the biggest laugh catching up on the comments, especially the ones about sex-ed class and your first period. One of my favorites was the dog who ate all of the pads out of the kit. How long did it take before he could poop or pee again what wi says:

    June, that was a whirlwind of a trip. I’m sure you will suffer jet lag since it was in your same time zone and all.
    The few baby showers I’ve attended were always fun because everyone was so happy for the expectant mother. Since I never had children, I couldn’t join in on the horrors of labor and childbirth stories. Those stories must have been a joy for the expectant mother to hear.
    SB, I see where you got your name. You are a beauty. If we ever saw your eyes, I’m sure we would think they are pretty, too.

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  40. Congratulations SB – looks like a wonderful shower and the breast goodies will surely come in handy.
    June, I love the peonies and lilacs too. Just planted a white peony this year but my poor lilac – that I have been nursing along FOR.EV.AH. got crushed by a HUGE tree branch that fell in our yard a week or so ago in a storm and it broke my lilac down to a 7″ “twig”. I am so hoping it will grow back next year – it had the prettiest lilacs – purple with white edges. And I just got flowers on the ding dang thing this year!
    I’m having a bad 2011.

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  41. Garden Girl.......and yes, the home where the shower was held looks as though it has a sweet spirit. says:

    Yeah……it’s really a *steep* learning curve for the whole pregnancy/childraising part of life. I sometimes marvel that anyone’s children make it to adulthood, what with trial and error and all. I’m a lot smarter than I was 24 years ago when I had my first, that’s for sure. Too bad I can’t *really* pass any of that on more concretely…..some things we just have to learn on our own. Sink or swim. But the showers, oh the baby showers are FUN. It’s my favorite kind of party because there is automatically a topic of conversation that is agreed upon. No politics, no whining, no need to talk about the weather.
    The Peony…..and the lilac….you’re right..possibly the two most beautiful, old fashioned flowers God ever came up with. No other flower smells like the lilac. And I like the white peony with a tinge of pale pink best. When I was a little girl we had a huge, spreading *bush* of a lilac tree in our back yard (WNY), and I could walk inside it like a little play house. They don’t take to our climate in Ca. but no one can take away my memories. *happy sigh* Have a great weekend, BBP friends.

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  42. Sleeping looks very…restful. As always. (And beautiful. Her legs look fab!) I can’t wait until you have pictures of her child running around while her mother is sleeping, like always, in an odd position.

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  43. I hate ANY kind of shower but this one looks nice. June how did you get back already? I thought you were driving? I kept an eye on the doggies at daycare yesterday..Talu looked bored and Edsel was out of camera range for most of the time but I did see little pointy ears a few times.OH~by the way..you are glowing girl!
    Mt peonies are about ready to bloom and the ants are on standby.

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  44. OH! And I meant to say SB you are a gorgeous pregnant person! June is right to choose only pretty friends! And your friend to your right there looks very concerned that you may have just experienced an attack of narcolepsy.

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  45. I just saw the Bloomerang last week… intriguing, as I, too, am all about the lilacs and peonies as well as lilies-of-the-valley, bleeding hearts and hydrangeas. And one million other things too, because I do love me some flowers!
    Thanks for the pics… I now feel like I was at SB’s shower, since I have been to 18493025940275320 baby showers in my life. The games are the same, the gifts are the same, the conversation filled with dumb advice is the same – the only difference is the mom and the food. Although in my family the food and drink is always the same, too, sadly. And they never serve the hard stuff – just because it’s a BABY shower doesn’t make us all BABIES now does it?!? Just when everyone my age was done having kids, then their kids all started having kids and we had to start the whole shebang all over again. The circle of life.
    Good job on buying all the breast gifts. Her breasts will thank you later.

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  46. Ugh, baby showers do not agree with me. But I’m sure SB’s shower was lovely and not at all boring or full of a bunch of women, all sharing their personal birthing stories and best tips for preventing diaper rash. I bet that just happens at the showers that I attend – because I have never attended a shower for a pretty friend.
    In other news, peonies and lilacs are MY favorite flowers too! Have you seen that new “Bloomerang” Lilac, which is supposed to flower all season?! I just bought one this weekend.

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  47. Congratulations to Sleeping Beauty! Looks like a good time. Enjoy your asparagus pee!

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  48. Congratulations to Sleeping Beauty! Looks like a good time. Enjoy your asparagus pee!

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  49. Congratulations to Sleeping Beauty! Looks like a good time. Enjoy your asparagus pee!

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