I just got back from Sleeping Beauty's baby shower, and man do I know nothing about babies.
S.B. at her opening. What two people are desperately in love with themselves, that we continue to show Sleeping Beauty sleeping in every picture of her on this blog? Also, I am certain the person who thought of, shopped for, paid for and wrapped this gift was delighted to have me stop everything and make S.B. pose in this ludicrous fashion.
It was hilarious to see the difference between women who HAVE babies giving Sleeping her gifts, as opposed to those of us who have never had babies. We childless oddballs kind of huddled together at the back of the room, having given Sleeping Beauty either (a) things from her registry that completely baffled us, but we figured they looked practical or (2) baby-sized feather boas. Because what baby should go through life without a feather boa?
I got her all the breast stuff she registered for, just because I thought I was hilarious. Breast cream, breast pads, some odd plastic baggies in case your breast poops or something, and then the finishing touch was an "I suck" onsie I found online.
Kind of love myself for knowing what a "onesie" is. Oh! And her card was a love card, about how the flames rise when our lips meet, and how I ache for her when we're apart.
Why does anyone like me?
But the MOMS! "Sleeping, this whoo-dee-whoo was not on your registry, but you are gonna need it EVERY.DAY." they would say, as she would unwrap some contraption that served as a tanning mat or something.
"I got you the rectal thermometer because I tried 93950305 thermometers and it's the only way to get an accurate reading on a baby," a really gorgeous mom said who was sitting near me.
Really? See. This is why my children would perish. I would have been all, you're fine. Quit your crying. This meat thermometer says you're 98.7.
The house where the shower was held was my dream home. Am thinking of moving in and seeing if they notice.
It was decorated beautifully, too. I do not think you can find a prettier flower than the peony. Give me some peonies and some lilacs and I am set for life. Well. Set till the lilacs die the next day.
There was a doggie at the party, and when I saw him, I waved and said, "HI, DOGGIE!" then I got on the floor and petted him. Minutes later, a four-and-a-half-year-old child came in and I watched her greet the dog EXACTLY the same way I did. It is remarkable how mature she is.
I know said child is not between 18 months and 10 years old, as I usually do with children, because I asked her. Then I told her I was 45 and a half, and she said, "Wow," in this really dismissive way, like she could barely believe I was even alive. I told her the dog bit people.
I DIDN'T! Geez.
There was delicious food, and today everyone's pee will smell like asparagus. Also, look at the teensy flowers! Cute! I wish I had presentation skillz. I wish I had serving dishes. I wish I could serve things other than cheesy puffs and a keg at my parties.
So it was a good time, and Sleeping looks excellent. She is not one of those people who got the pretty sucked out of her by pregnancy. This is important, because I try to have pretty friends.