June’s personal life revealed

So, two weeks ago I went on Match. com. You have no idea the hell I have been through. Unless you, too, have been on Match.com.

I mean, I'm reasonably presentable, right? I am no raving beauty at this stage, but I'm not a crone yet, and I've got quite the personality on me, which may in fact be to my detriment. Funny has never equaled sexy. Do you know what equals sexy? Sexy.

I hate it when women like Halle Berry say, "What's sexy is how you feel about yourself." Oh, shut up. What's sexy is THE WAY YOU LOOK and no wonder you feel just fine about yourself, heifer.

But I digress.

When you go on this dating site–which in the commercials they always show two incredibly attractive people (Halle Berry) meeting at some chic restaurant (Halle Berry's Bistro) and having the time of their lives–you put up your photo and write a little about yourself. Then people can look at you and decide of you're worth it. Not demeaning at all.

Moi Here's the picture I used of me, manically smiling. I also used one of me on my porch, holding a leash, with Henry in the background. Look, they might as well know about the 800 pets from the get-go. Or the gecko, as Faithful Reader Paula H&B's coworker would say, and now I can't help saying it and I can't decide whom I hate more: the stupid coworker or Paula H&B for teaching it to me.

Boobs
You can say the age range of men you like, and I said 35-55, I think. Let's face it. What I really want is 17 and supple. But who am I kidding?

Apparently who I was kidding was myself. Because in my mind I pretty much look my age, which is 45. And I figured there'd be, you know, other 45-year-olds writing me, at least I hoped so. What if no one took the bait? What if I was an untouchable? I have been gone from this market for years; I have no idea what kind of a sea hag the world sees me as anymore. Marvin was always good at telling me I was cute, whether that's true or not to the rest of society.

Well. I got some replies.

Turns out? I am Old Man River's dream girl.

"Hellooooooo, Jooooooon. I'm Father Time. Let me get m'cane and tell you 'bout m'rheumatiz."

"Joooooon, yer picccter is so fancy. When did they invent that kind of a thingamabob? Do it steel yer soul?"

"Am replying to thou ad. I fought in the Spanish-American War…"

"THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!"

"I make fire."

Seriously. You guys. Everyone who was replying to me was 189. And the few people who were, you know, hovering near my age?

"Your boobs look really good in that shirt."

The picture with me and the leash? Shows a little boobage. I hadn't even noticed. I was too worried did my hair look crazy, do I look like a datable person. I need to think more like a man.

One guy wrote me last night. He was young, a professor, pretty cute. "I can't believe you're 49," he said. "You look much younger."

I hope he isn't a math professor. FORTY-NINE.

So last weekend I was seriously contemplating writing back to the guy with one leg. He was funny, and used good grammar on his profile, and he couldn't help it he had the one leg. That was when I got the email from the cute boy.

"Oh, hell, another email," I thought. "Let's go look at THIS loser." I clicked over to his picture, and I was all, oh! He's handsome! Then I looked at his other pictures, and I was all, he's REALLY handsome. It turned me into someone who says, "I was all…"

So that is how I started emailing and talking with the cute boy, and we are going to meet in real life this week, and yes of COURSE I will meet him in public, because Ted Bundy was cute too. But he uses good grammar (I realize this is the second time I have mentioned this about a potential suitor like other women mention, you know, six-pack abs. Have you met me?) and he's funny and we have 8 million things on common and oh!

He's a photographer! Maybe he could teach me photo things for my blog. Much as my father has. And yes, I realize the Freudian implications of this.

So there it is. There is some German man who wants to meet me too, who seems normal, and there was another man who seemed okay until he emailed me four times in one hour. It was grammatically correct email, but still.

I am not expecting anything serious to come from any of this. I am just trying to get back in the habit of dating, you know? I used to do it all the time back when I was a whippersnapper. It might be kind of fun to do it now that I'm a grownup.

So that's what's going on with me and my computer dating world. You might want to tell your grandpa that I'm online.

137 thoughts on “June’s personal life revealed

  1. Oh. Oh. Oh. I so thought you should do this. I joined match.com for the 3 day free trial. I couldn’t get off fast enough. Crazy land. But, I thought it would be perfect fodder for your blog posts. And hopefully, some good dates also. Can’t wait to hear how it goes.

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  2. I LOVE saying winders, although I do think it’s a bit over-dramatic. Wait, maybe I am over-exaggerating.

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  3. June, I met my wonderful husband online. I’m so glad you’re getting out there and dating cute guys.
    However, I’ve got to tell this Match.com story. I’ve just got to. It’s totally bizaree and THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN TO YOU!!
    One time, my friend was contacted by a really cute guy on Match.com. They stayed up all night talking and set up to meet at a mall near her house. He never showed. He called her and gave her a reasonable excuse. They set up to meet again. He never showed. Her feelings were really hurt, so she called his work to give him a piece of her mind.
    He’d never worked there. So she (crazily) drove to the apartment building where he told her he lived. She knocked on the door of his apartment and no one answered. She looked down and noticed a little row of tiny shoes on the welcome mat. *Remember this.
    Then she went home and heard a knock on her door. She looked out the peephole and didn’t see anyone. *Remember this.
    Later that night, the guy called and told her he had a secret. He was a little person who was only 4 feet tall. He’d sent fake pictures of his cousin and made up his entire life story. He saw her come to his door and was ashamed so HE FOLLOWED HER HOME AND KNOCKED ON HER DOOR. She didn’t see him because he was too short for the peephole, but he thought she’d seen him and rejected him.
    Turns out he was a crazy stalker little person who had been FOLLOWING HER FOR DAYS! Long story short, she now has a restraining order against him.
    Be very careful, June!!

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  4. These online dating stories are fascinating!!
    Replying to thou ad, frog eating dog, a little stalker!
    Dying!!

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  5. Thanks for allowing me to vicariously experience match.com, June and all you other brave people. I met my men the old fashioned way, at work. And boy can that make for some miserable times.
    Sandra, some people are just jerks. He doesn’t deserve you. I hope things get better soon for you.

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  6. Nothing wrong with online dating. IMHO, it’s the only way to meet guys other than hanging out in bars. If you meet a guy hanging out in a bar, he’s the kind of guy who hangs out in bars, and do you really want that?
    I met my husband on Yahoo Personals about five years ago. 🙂 Good luck with the handsome one.

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  7. Didn’t notice the rack ‘cuz I was too busy looking at the beastie and the leash. When I went back, tho’, it was “wow”. Good job!

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  8. Sandra, you are so much better than that jerk. Kelly nailed it perfectly. (hugs)
    Match.com sounds like a lot of fun for me. Hubster might not like it though. Joooone, remember you first have to meet your transitional guy. At least that is what Sally said. Oh, and nice boobage. My cleavage is in the knee region. Hulk, does that mean I can’t come to Hulkapalooza? After all, I really have ample samples.

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  9. **the story from Joy creeped me out. Good story Joy! I will worry about trolls now instead of ex-altar boys.
    ***Junie? I had to scroll past your ample sample photo yet again, just to get to the Additional Comment section …and I noticed that picture really shows off your eyes. A fact that is almost camouflaged by the plunging pink bodice effect .. so confidence builder #2 – you have great eyes too – work it girl!

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  10. A. HOW DID YOU NOT NOTICE THE BOOBAGE IN THAT SHOT?!?!? It is ALL I see!
    2. I know a male nurse(who is just awesome) that met his (also awesome) dentist wife on-line. They are perfect for each other!

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