June's stupid life · My pets · Photo essays

SCRAM! And I am not a Vermicious Knid.

CouchI have never wanted the dogs to be on the couch, if you want to know the truth. It was always Marvin who allowed it, and who wanted the dogs in the bed, too. There is a tacky joke here about Marvin's new single life, but I will remain the Grace Kelly I always am on this topic. Mostly because I can't think of a good one.

Once he left, I thought maybe I could get the dogs to get off the damn couch once and for all. I have to vacuum and/or Scotch Guard that couch daily. Scotch-fur-fighterjpg-fb
I mean, I do not spray Scotch Guard; they have this fur-getter-offer plastic thingie that works really well, but you have to buy new pads for it which I am certain is good for the environment. Yellow plastic toothy grabby hairy flaps will be here in 5,000 years and we will not.

It's an inconvenient truth.

At any rate, the part where I yell at the dogs, "Off the couch!" 95 times a day has not been that fruitful. They get off the couch, sure, but then they get right back on.

But yesterday? My Sofa Scram came. I know!

Scram
It's this pad you lay across your couch, and when a Schnauzer goes to jump up there, it goes BEEP! and it's supposed to disturb the SHIT out of your pet. In fact, that's its slogan. Guaranteed to disturb the SHIT out of your beloved pet! Buy one today!

I was so excited to get out the Sofa Scram and watch it in action.

Nobatt Yeah. Why must EVERYTHING come without a battery? It's just rude. Did they TELL me it needed a battery when I was online purchasing this terrorizing item? No. The other day I got a Swiffer Wetjet (WHAT ABOUT LOVE! Every time I see a stupid Swiffer Wetjet I sing that song. Good advertising, people of Swiffer) (even though, really, what does a mop have to do with love?) and after I pushed the squirty knob–which I know sounded dirty–850 times, it finally dawned on me that it, too, needed stupid batteries.

I hate everything.

Nowhattime

So even though it was early evening and Edsel knew PERFECTLY WELL it was walk time, I headed out to the Office Depot, there, for a stupid 9-volt battery.

Perhaps when you think, "I need batteries" you do not immediately head to Office Depot. But I have incenative, as my grandmother would pronounce it, to go there.

Feedkitties What could my incenative be? Could it be…OFFICE DEPOT KITTIES?

I didn't, you know, shake this bag or anything, or call, "Kittykittykittykittykittykitty…" 900 times, hoping anyone would show up.

As an aside? When I got Anderson Cooper? Marvin went with me. It was just a fluke; he was obsessed with that Greensboro bear that was loose, and he called me in a growly voice, "Hullo. I'm the BEAARRRRR. In your YARRRRRD." Who continues to adore himself? So I said, "You know, I'm headed to a perfect stranger's house to get a kitten off Craigslist. You wanna go with me?" And he stopped being a bear and came along.

The point is, when the lady handed over Anderson, and Marvin had to pay the $30 "rehoming fee" (whatever) because I had no cash on me, she said, "I am so glad a normal person is taking this cat. You have no idea how many cat ladies called about him."

Fortunately we got out to the car before Marvin let loose about that one. "Oh yes! Thank God no CAT LADIES got this cat!"

Also too, Marvin is in love with Anderson Cooper and keeps insisting that because he paid for him the cat is technically his. He steals another cat from me he'll be pulling back a stump.

Back to Office Depot–where I was NOT BEING A CAT LADY AT ALL–in the distance?

Hellokitty
Okay. Now, a normal person might not have seen Ink Jet over there. But with June's super-looky cat vision? Here is how cats appear:

Whenjuneseeskitties
I can spot 'em anywhere.

Eventually he made his way to the dish, as did Sharpie.

Mousepad Cats fed, I bought my stupid 9-V battery and came home to scare the bejeezus out the dogs.

BatteryNormally? All these dogs want to do is be on the couch with me, so I kind of thought I'd see the result of this exciting purchase tout suite.

Play
But no. Suddenly it was crucial that everyone wrestle among the stuffing.

Nosersly
And then Talu SAT ON THE FLOOR.

Srsly
Oh for the love of–Edsel put his head WHERE THE SCRAM THING WASN'T. Then?

Newbed
Edsul try nu bed.

Why was NO ONE going on the ding-dang couch!?!

Rogerher
Shelv good enuf for rodgddur.

I mean, did they just KNOW something bad was on the couch?

Finally…?

Andersonhangs
Yeah. So there must be a weight limit. Do not purchase this item for your pocket pooch, is what I am advising.

So everyone's effing with me. I KNOW the thing beeps, though. Because I sat on it without remembering it was there.

…Did I mention I hate everything?

(P.S. Happy birthday, dad!)

133 thoughts on “SCRAM! And I am not a Vermicious Knid.

  1. GardenGirl! I have a gold card, too! Starbucks is my one ridiculous, outrageously expensive “who loves herself A LOT!?” splurge. So the hubs put me on the gold card, which made me realize how much moola I was wasting, so I’m now down to one latte per week. I think that was his diabolical plan.
    And, methinks our Junie was on a Dick date last night. Why else no new post for me to read at 7:26 on a Saturday morning??

    Like

  2. *Get a big old kingsize sheet, put it on the sofa tucked nicely, it is washable, and snuggle with Lu, Ed, Andy and Rogie…*
    By Cosmo’s Dad, I think he’s got it!

    Like

  3. Barb…I’m another success story with root-canal’s. The pain of *needing* the root canal is torture. The root canal is NOT. You will be so relieved. Glad insurance is covering it, though.
    and JUNE…my dog doesn’t shed (much) so I haven’t tried it, but wouldn’t one of those microfiber cloths work to pick up dog hair, then just drop it in the wash? It works great for dust, so I don’t know why it wouldn’t work for dog/cat hair, too. I’m with you – I don’t like things I have to buy refills for…goes against my frugal side. I need to save my $$ for my chai latte at Starbucks.

    Like

  4. Barb…I’m another success story with root-canal’s. The pain of *needing* the root canal is torture. The root canal is NOT. You will be so relieved. Glad insurance is covering it, though.
    and JUNE…my dog doesn’t shed (much) so I haven’t tried it, but wouldn’t one of those microfiber cloths work to pick up dog hair, then just drop it in the wash? It works great for dust, so I don’t know why it wouldn’t work for dog/cat hair, too. I’m with you – I don’t like things I have to buy refills for…goes against my frugal side. I need to save my $$ for my chai latte at Starbucks.

    Like

  5. Barb…I’m another success story with root-canal’s. The pain of *needing* the root canal is torture. The root canal is NOT. You will be so relieved. Glad insurance is covering it, though.
    and JUNE…my dog doesn’t shed (much) so I haven’t tried it, but wouldn’t one of those microfiber cloths work to pick up dog hair, then just drop it in the wash? It works great for dust, so I don’t know why it wouldn’t work for dog/cat hair, too. I’m with you – I don’t like things I have to buy refills for…goes against my frugal side. I need to save my $$ for my chai latte at Starbucks.

    Like

  6. Dear June,
    I missed you last weekend. When will I see you again? I like khaki, and pet fur is part of the deal. Grrrr… like your menagerie. Two thumbs up for Edsel. I would like to take some pictures of him. Let’s talk soon, can’t wait to see you.
    Fondly, and firmly pointed,
    Dick

    Like

  7. GardenGirl who is brave to ask about Dick when I'm not standing in front of June but but just typing into my computer says:

    Sadie, thank you for the bear link..adorable!

    Like

  8. Cosmo's Dad fuck the furniture... lets tickle the pups... laugh and laugh and laugh... no offlimits here says:

    Tonight when you settle down and want some cuddle time with all of the kids… they will look at you and cough and say “bah, fuzzy head ladee”…no cuddles tonight.
    Get a big old kingsize sheet, put it on the sofa tucked nicely, it is washable, and snuggle with Lu, Ed, Andy and Rogie… thats it, thats all… they are already trained to party on the sofa. Or as you become closer to you 50th year you will be an old, tired, lonely, and sad ladee…..

    Like

  9. Cosmo's Dad fuck the furniture... lets tickle the pups... laugh and laugh and laugh... no offlimits here says:

    Tonight when you settle down and want some cuddle time with all of the kids… they will look at you and cough and say “bah, fuzzy head ladee”…no cuddles tonight.
    Get a big old kingsize sheet, put it on the sofa tucked nicely, it is washable, and snuggle with Lu, Ed, Andy and Rogie… thats it, thats all… they are already trained to party on the sofa. Or as you become closer to you 50th year you will be an old, tired, lonely, and sad ladee…..

    Like

  10. Cosmo's Dad fuck the furniture... lets tickle the pups... laugh and laugh and laugh... no offlimits here says:

    Tonight when you settle down and want some cuddle time with all of the kids… they will look at you and cough and say “bah, fuzzy head ladee”…no cuddles tonight.
    Get a big old kingsize sheet, put it on the sofa tucked nicely, it is washable, and snuggle with Lu, Ed, Andy and Rogie… thats it, thats all… they are already trained to party on the sofa. Or as you become closer to you 50th year you will be an old, tired, lonely, and sad ladee…..

    Like

  11. GardenGirl who is brave to ask about Dick when I'm not standing in front of June but but just typing into my computer says:

    When I read that you were going to office depot for *batteries*, for pete’s sake, I knew we were in trouble.
    Thanks for trying out that sofa-dog-jumping-thingy for us. I’m always wary of those *as seen on tv things*. Wish I had all the money back I’ve spent on things I hoped would be the answer to my problems! But since the kid’s are avoiding it, I guess you could say it’s working. :0)
    Have a good weekend June. Will you be entertaining Dick? Yes, I went there.

    Like

  12. Lisa Pie, thanks bunches for the WFTV information. Sounds like the ideal way to view.
    Love how the DA chewed up & spit out Huntington. Some are saying they thought Ashton was a bully. Not me. I was ready to get my pom-poms out and start cheering!

    Like

  13. Amanda, (she came with that name) my Old English Sheepdog never, ever got on the furniture while I WAS home. She was 4 yrs old when I got her and I’m guessing the assho*le previous abuser owner taught her to stay off the furniture. When I would arrive home she would be on the couch to greet me at the window.
    She would though go around the house and collect all the bathroom rugs and pile them up and lay (lie) next to them. I think she thought they were her long lost relatives.
    Best dog ever!! Provided me with 10 years of fun antics, love and joy!

    Like

  14. Before I left for work every day I laid a big piece of bubble wrap on the couch. Popped a few at the dog and left. She never got on that couch.

    Like

  15. “it’s supposed to disturb the SHIT out of your pet. In fact, that’s its slogan. Guaranteed to disturb the SHIT out of your beloved pet!” — methinks this might be more of an issue that the dog hair?

    Like

  16. Awwww… I couldn’t get past Edsel’s sad face standing by his leash….’Walk Edz pleese, big hair ladee’

    Like

  17. Awwww… I couldn’t get past Edsel’s sad face standing by his leash….’Walk Edz pleese, big hair ladee’

    Like

  18. Awwww… I couldn’t get past Edsel’s sad face standing by his leash….’Walk Edz pleese, big hair ladee’

    Like

  19. June,
    I think you should email a photo of Anderson Cooper to the real Anderson Cooper via his tv show website. You might get a response!

    Like

  20. June, a little anecdote while you troll for eye candy.
    Two weeks ago my daughter and I went out for the evening as we are wont to do occasionally. We needed to move somewhere a little less rowdy, so we went to her previous place of employment. A very hunky, late 30s early 40s guy strolls in alone. He told the barmaid he wanted to get his drink on. At this time I was prepared to move on, so I said hey no time like the present. I sent him a drink. My daughter asked me a question and we started talking. He did thank me for his shot. Nothing else.
    Barmaid came back. Asshat asked if my 21 year old daughter sent him the drink.
    Happy hunting, June!!

    Like

  21. De-lurking to say that the Sofa Scram worked with our big cat, who was 15-18 lbs.

    Like

  22. My Corgi Molly was getting on the couch when we were gone (I found the pile of hair every day) so my husband put 2 strips of upside down duct tape the length of the couch. The first day, we came home and she had tape all wrapped around her self but she has never done it again.

    Like

  23. Jan~I was the supervisor for a group home for almost 10 years. I've seen plenty of members. Big ones, small ones, strange ones. Seen one, ya seen them all! says:

    BAH!!!!!!!!

    Like

Comments are closed.