June's stupid life, Money

In which June buys her own house and it is annoying

Could I be any crankier right now? I am typing this on Monday night, because I plan to overdose on decaf green tea tonight and sleep in tomorrow. I KNOW how to relax and have a good time when I'm stressed.

As you may know, if you salivate over my every move, and why don't you, I am putting this house in my own name. Now, why you can't call the mortgage company and say, "Hi! This is June's house now!" and be done with it is beyond me. I have to BUY it all over again, because interest rates are lower or the tide is rising or I'm wearing highwaters or the tide is high but I'm holding on. I DON'T KNOW. For some reason I have to go through the same paperwork hell I had to go through in April of 2008 when I bought this house in the FIRST place.

Two months ago I met with this real estate woman with unkempt hair, and I know I'm one to talk, but you have never seen hair this ludicrous.

Dude. I KNOW.

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You don't have to tell ME that's saying a lot. But seriously. I wish I could include her business card photo on here. It makes my locks look silky and manageable.

And why do Realtors think they need to show us their picture, anyway? Is this gonna make us trust them more? Because once I got a load of old whirlwind hair, there, I was not so sure.

Honestly, WHAT was going on with my hair in that last photo? Did someone squeeze me like a pecan?

So I met with old unseen-wind hair, and I filled out 83848593945923.3 forms on the first day, and I swear to you I have filled out 87,000 more in the weeks that have passed. I ALREADY BOUGHT THIS HOUSE. How much paperwork could there BE?

Today I got a huge packet in the mail from the bank, and then this woman called me and went over the FIFTY PAGES I needed to sign and return to her. Also, I had to write a letter explaining why I was laid off (Dear Bank, The economy sucks. You started it. Love, June), and the VARIATIONS IN MY NAME.

They want to know why I have a maiden name, a married name, and why I sometimes use my middle initial. I am not making that up. Woooo! With the aliases!

So after work, I sat here and wrote my letters and explained that wild middle inital use…

…then I tried to fax all the pages to New York.

Oh, for the love of all that is holy.

Have you ever tried to fax 50 different-sized pages from your 1902 fax machine? I have to tie the power cord to a dinosaur, who dances a sugaring-off dance playing on a Victrola to get it started. Oh, I tried 87 times.

Finally, even though I was wearing my work pants, my Burbank Tshirt and my silver Dr. Scholl sandals that some odd person keeps writing and asking me for more photos of (Dear Foot Fetish Reader, No. Love, June), I went to Office Depot, where I was so annoyed I did not even LOOK for my kitties.

And do you know they wanted to charge me (sit down) FIFTY DOLLARS to fax those effing pages? It's a ONE EIGHT HUNDRED number! Oh, I was mad! Fifty dollars! Like it really cost them that much to send. Peckerfuckerheads.

I am sorry. That was my favorite swear in junior high. It still works.

So I gathered my fine outfit and went back home. I STOOD HERE, OVER THE FAX MACHINE, and fed each page in one at a time.

In the meantime? Everybody in the world tried to call me. My neighbor Peg came over on Saturday, as I was just getting home and had both kittens in a carrier and groceries in my other hand, to tell me she was having a deck party on the 30th. "Okay!" I said, as I headed in the house. I mean, I had a lot going on, there.

She called the next night when I was out to say the party started at 6:30 and to call her back. Now, this is something that irks me. Why do people want you to call back when you have gotten all the pertinent info? What more could there be to say? The party is NEXT DOOR. In my BACK YARD. I'll SEE it when it's happening. I won't be ABLE to forget it.

So tonight? In the middle of all this hell? RING! RING!

"Hi, June, it's Peg! Did you get my message about the party?!"

No. No, I did not. I cannot figure out this newfangled contraption called the tellyfowne, and why does it beep at me when I pick it up? What do it mean? I got a PERSON in there who will give me MESSAGES? Well, I'll be!

"Yes, Peg," I said briskly, "but I'm in the middle of buying-my-house papework right now. Can I talk to you later?"

"Wait," she said. Peg is a dear friend and a lovely neighbor and I am glad she lives next door, but she is lucky I did not have a fire bomb at that moment, and also that I really don't technically know what a fire bomb is.

"My friend wants your blog address! What is it, again?"

Peg has looked at my blog 82942949 times, and of course if she reads THIS post she will hate me. Hi, Peg!

"Byebyepie," I shot out crankily.

"Bye!?" she asked.

"YES."

"B-y-e?"

"YESSSSS!"

"And then pie, like p-i-e?"

Ohforgodssake YES.

"Dot com?"

And that is why I am writing you from Folsom Prison. I shot a neighbor in Greensboro, just to watch her die.

Anyway, all those effing effing effing DING effing DANG pages have been sent, and now guess who is looking at me with his underbite, wondering where his walk is? Dogs are so %#$#%&*# SELFISH.

This had better be the nicest house I've ever moved into, is all I can say.

…Oh, wait.

284 thoughts on “In which June buys her own house and it is annoying”

  1. “(Dear Bank, The economy sucks. You started it. Love, June)”
    ^^DYING. Laughed so hard things came out of my nose.

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  2. Have never seen Gone With the Wind nor It’s a Wonderful Life. I think it might be a Jewish thing, to not see those. On the other hand, I love Charlie Brown.
    Capitalizing the word “realtor” seems absurd to me. Shall we capitalize all professions? I’m a TEACHER. Are you a WRITER? Soon our language will resemble German again.
    I too have a new kitten! He’s orange with a little white, his name’s Fennec, and he has waaaaay too much energy.

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  3. Actually, REALTOR is supposed to be completely capitalized. Something to do with trademarking, I think, but a member of the National Association of Realtors is a REALTOR, not Realtor. I am a REALTOR. And also a tool for lecturing everyone on capitalization. Hey, June Gardens, we’re getting a new horse in July and he’s a real steady-Eddie-type, so I was going to see if you wanted to come take a ride sometime? Also, I laughed and laughed at the dinosaur doing a sugaring-off dance. I bet he had on a dress with buttons shaped like blackberries.

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  4. Kitty Kim Jong Il.
    Kitty kahdaffi
    Kitty kardashian
    Khloe, Kourtney, Kim, Kylie, Kendall. Or Rob if it’s a boy.

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  5. A sugaring off dance? Please explain…unless it has a sexual connotation then…..well, then explain it to me anyway.
    Wish I could wave a magic wand and make the mortgage paperwork go away for you. It’s very grown-up, isn’t it. Blech!

    Like

  6. I’m with Furry. As much I hate cutesy names on cats, “Duffylou & The Dude” is too good to pass up.

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  7. Duffylou, please ‘splain the secret of your weight loss success!!!!! Thank you.

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  8. The Artist Formerly Known As Cat! Ha!
    Hulk, Bruce is not a boy’s name. I want military names for my next cats. Maybe Sergeant Whiskers or Captain Meow.

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  9. Salvatore Romano
    Pete Campbell
    Burt Cooper
    Denny Crane
    PEOPLE!! The Realtor is also a mortgage broker. She is wearing the mortgage broker hat for this transaction, not the Realtor hat. Now MY ass is chapped over it!

    Like

  10. Salvatore Romano
    Pete Campbell
    Burt Cooper
    Denny Crane
    PEOPLE!! The Realtor is also a mortgage broker. She is wearing the mortgage broker hat for this transaction, not the Realtor hat. Now MY ass is chapped over it!

    Like

  11. Salvatore Romano
    Pete Campbell
    Burt Cooper
    Denny Crane
    PEOPLE!! The Realtor is also a mortgage broker. She is wearing the mortgage broker hat for this transaction, not the Realtor hat. Now MY ass is chapped over it!

    Like

  12. Anyone seen the Alan Rickman movie “Closet Land.” It was bizarre…only cast members were AR and Madeline Stowe.

    Like

  13. I envy you jolly Christmasy isn’t this fun people. I try to keep my eyes squinched shut from T-giving to New Year’s Day. Hate It’s a Wonderful Life. Love Christmas Vaca.
    Oh, and June? Pecan hair! Bhah! I have had pecan hair and now I have a word for it!

    Like

  14. I envy you jolly Christmasy isn’t this fun people. I try to keep my eyes squinched shut from T-giving to New Year’s Day. Hate It’s a Wonderful Life. Love Christmas Vaca.
    Oh, and June? Pecan hair! Bhah! I have had pecan hair and now I have a word for it!

    Like

  15. I envy you jolly Christmasy isn’t this fun people. I try to keep my eyes squinched shut from T-giving to New Year’s Day. Hate It’s a Wonderful Life. Love Christmas Vaca.
    Oh, and June? Pecan hair! Bhah! I have had pecan hair and now I have a word for it!

    Like

  16. LauraL, local news just reported four kittens abandoned near local university, and guess who promised her eldest child a kitten for child's birthday next month? says:

    Matze – Official Slayer of Pie commentors. Oh my god…

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  17. Hulk (The Ex just got Hulkette another kitten...sucking dick leisurely since 2008, collecting cats since 2011.) says:

    For Siren…
    How about Bruce?

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  18. And the downtown scene during the opening of the movie is actually Tower City in Cleveland…

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  19. Duffylou, if your skinny self revives, please tell us what your kitty looks like for those of us who do not use the Face.

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  20. Amish Annie and we still haven't told the kids santa is not real. And I put up the most amazing Christmas tree with hundreds of all vintage ornaments, tinsely 20's to tacky 60's. Never got pregnant on xmas though. | says:

    Unabashed Christmas geek here. I am partial to Christmas in Connecticut, a 1990’s tv remake starring Dyan Cannon. Have never seen the orignal 40’s version though with Barbara Stanwyk. Also, I dare someone to one-up me on the geekiness…I watch Perry Como Christmas Around The World…on a VHS tape. Every year.

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  21. Oh damn, I forgot. The real Christmas story house is not condemned any longer. Someone purchased it a few years back restored it to look like the house from the movie and now they give tours. So come to Cleveland and take a tour through the “real” Christmas Story house.

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  22. Letha, Anita, June really believes that she explained the Realtor thing, so let's just let her believe that, as her ass is being ground and she is cranky. says:

    Two more for the Alan Rickman club:
    Sense and Sensibility (the one with Emma Thompson)
    Something the Lord Made (HBO movie)

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  23. Thanks Paula! I need a name for said kitty as they call him, “Dude.” I guess when he first came off the streets he was so malnourished he looked like a she.
    I am so psyched about hitting my goal. (60+) Now if I could get the flab to hit the bricks I might really celebrate!

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  24. I have seen ‘Gone With The Wind’ twice, beginning to ending. But it is a history-type movie, so that is why I like it.

    Like

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