I am berserk, June can't keep a man, June's stupid life

June prepares

That dreadful bug came back yesterday. It is occurring to me that maybe there is more than one. To which I say,

ACK!

like that Cathy in that funny funny comic strip.

I was perhaps emailing 75 times back and forth with a cute boy, and no it was NOT Dick Whitman. Girl, I am a dating FOOL lately. Anyway, the dogs started acting all twitterpated, and THERE IT WAS. The BUG. In all its disgusting glory.

But listen to THIS.

Tallulah started chawing on it! Chaw chaw chaw, said Talu. "GET IT, GIRL" I screeched, from behind the safety of the wall. She took that disgusting thing, which was half the size of her and her swoop, to her dog bed and would chew it and drop it, chew and drop. Stop drop and roll.

Finally it was dead enough that I vacuumed it, screeching on my insides.

Tallulah is my hero.

LaurelluThat is supposed to be Lu with a laurel wreath on her head. Instead it looks like she's wearing corn nuts.

I know you wish you were born with my natural artistic abilities.

But speaking of Dick Whitman, which I did 87 paragraphs ago, he is coming over for the first time tonight. I have known him a month and have decided he has gone to enough trouble to try to kill me and now he can have success.

We are going to a movie, and the movie is five minutes from my house, and I said oh for heaven's sake. Come get me at my house.

Dick Whitman is allergic to pet dander. I KNOW. So he won't be staying long. But because he hates himself he does want to meet my pets. I guess I have made them sound fascinating. We'll see whose team he's on.

Oh, and I won. More people were on Team June than anyone else! Yay me! Team Edsel was a close second, because you all enjoy you a goofy dog, and then the other three kept sort of tying for third place. The three of them say piss on all of you. Literally.

Anyway, I must go try to make myself and this house presentable. You always think your dwelling is fine until a new person is coming over. Then all of a sudden it looks like the house on Sanford & Son. Is that just me?

Comment of the week goes to both Hulk and Matze. It was boy week here at Bye Bye Pie.

Talk to you tomorrow, unless Dick Whitman is Ted Bundy or something! It's always funny till I end up in a field.

 

94 thoughts on “June prepares”

  1. O. M. G.!!! You work fast girl! Of course, at our age, who’s got time to waste?
    We will all now look forward to some vicarious tongue!

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  2. Yes, LisaPie, last thing I did before bed was to check to see if June would say anthing. Spill, June – is he a good kisser? Did he hold your hand in the movie?
    I’m glad you had a good time. I’m sort of envious and sort of flutterby stomach for you at the same time.

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  3. She kissed Dick! And she’s still alive. Yipee!

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  4. I’m still proud of you L…er Pal and I am so happy you and June are still friends. I remember you two as cute little 3-year-old girls in your fluffy snowsuits meeting each other on the sidewalk and just hugging each other in greeting even though you didn’t know each other. June has since decided she doesn’t like hugs, but back then she did. It was the start of something big.

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  5. everywhere i look around
    love is in the air,
    every sight and every sound
    and I don’t know if i’m being foolish,
    don’t know if i’m being wise,
    but it’s something that i must believe in
    and it’s there when i look in your eyes….

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  6. blah blah furry…. i had written 4 paragraphs to reply to you when i realized that is exactly what you want…attention. is june’s blog your private messenger board? keep that stuff where it started and where it belongs!

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  7. Dick Whitman is so not Ted Bundy. Ted never dated a girl more than once. Fact. But if he IS Ted Bundy-like, I hope Ann Rule will write a book about your untimely death. And someone fabulously talented and enormously gorgeous with tremendous star power could play you in the movie. I would say you should play yourself, except you would be, well, dead.
    Good luck June. I hope you have a wonderful time. You should see “Super 8”. It was super fun!

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  8. Garden Girl, I used to do the same thing and feel kind of stupid but then I figured if I got home okay I was the only one to see the note and if I didn’t they’d know which highway to comb.
    I’m more afraid of con men these days than killer dates. You know what I mean.
    If the soapy water doesn’t take care of them they are probably drain flies.
    Scorproach–Hah! But I think there is horned beetle in there, too. And Bhah to the friendship shoes, too.
    Kisses to brave Talu.

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  9. Matzo made me look.
    It also helps to get rid of fruit flies if you clean up the slushy spilled behind the machine.
    June, I thought you messed up both words and your hair looked just liKe a raK.

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  10. Why not see if you can find a nice documentary to go to?
    All pie-people are hilarious. I get
    sore from laughter every time I read
    BBP.

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  11. Marzipants – I, too, thank you for being in charge of June’s friendship shoe! Heaven knows JUNE is still making us wait for pictures of those cute, cute shoes I sent.
    Ding and DANG!
    And, My Mom and June’s Mother – thank goodness she has us, right? (She’s gonna love that comment, I’m certain!)
    That’s funny, June’s Mother, that you remember that show my Dad hosted lo sooooo many years ago! Funny the things that stick with you over time…
    Like, for instance, the first time I ever was able to tie my own shoes was when I was sitting on the floor in your living room and you were very, very proud of me! : )

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  12. Pal, Pal’s Mom and Mother are hysterical today.
    Funny, very sorry about your MIL. Stupid cancer is not funny at all.
    Amish Annie, Happy Anniversary. Mr. Sadie and I celebrated ours this month, too.
    Matze, thank goodness you are in charge of Pal’s friendship shoe and June’s social calendar should she need one after tonight.

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  13. That recipe for fruit flies works beautifully without using harmfull chemicals. You empty the dish each day and refill it with water a a drop of detergent for three days. Given the life cycle of fruitflies, this takes care of them. If it doesn’t work, you don’t have fruitflies, it’s something else. This recipe came from a local radio show here in June’s hometown that ran for years and interestingly, Pal from Ma.s father was the host of said show. I still miss that show.

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  14. happy anniversary amish annie! i hope you get some sugar on your strawberry.
    barb from m.,pat’s party , p-a-r-t-y,is on the 30th, next thursday, check out http://www.stalkingjune.com/dates-and-events.html for details, peg is invited too!
    june, have fun tonight! chose something special for your last meal,something with msg, cheese or chinese food.
    i knew the scorproach had children, at least your house won’t be empty after dick has taken care of you.
    yay! comment of the week,thank you! congrats to hulk!
    beth, for fruit flies, a small bowl with water and some dish detergent, they smell it, drink it,die!
    pal from malawi, good that you have his address, then he can send back the friendship shoe.

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  15. GardenGirl...when I lived alone I used to jot down where I was going on the weekends so *someone* would have a clue to go on if I came up missing. Me, paranoid? I like to think of it as practical.. says:

    Dear Pal,
    Just read your comment…whew! Glad you got his bio. I’ll sleep better tonight.

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  16. GardenGirl...when I lived alone I used to jot down where I was going on the weekends so *someone* would have a clue to go on if I came up missing. Me, paranoid? I like to think of it as practical.. says:

    Dear Pal,
    Just read your comment…whew! Glad you got his bio. I’ll sleep better tonight.

    Like

  17. GardenGirl...when I lived alone I used to jot down where I was going on the weekends so *someone* would have a clue to go on if I came up missing. Me, paranoid? I like to think of it as practical.. says:

    Dear Pal,
    Just read your comment…whew! Glad you got his bio. I’ll sleep better tonight.

    Like

  18. GardenGirl...when I lived alone I used to jot down where I was going on the weekends so *someone* would have a clue to go on if I came up missing. Me, paranoid? I like to think of it as practical.. says:

    Wait….you’re conversing with more Match.com people but not telling us anything about it? How is that any fun for us?
    No, it’s not just you….it must be in the female DNA or something. I can live in what I think is “normal” clutter and general disarray until I know someone is coming over and then everything has to be detailed. Silly, is what that is, but all that *judgement* stuff and all, you know. That goes DOUBLE if this is the first time said person is visiting.
    Don’t worry….you can trust Dick Whitman. I just have a feeling. But just in case, leave your itinerary with Pat/Peg so the cops can retrace your steps. And does Peg have binoculars? ‘Cause maybe she should jot down Dick’s license plate number, along with make/model. Oh what the heck….you don’t live in L.A. anymore. You’re safe. Enjoy yourself. What movie are you seeing?

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  19. GardenGirl...when I lived alone I used to jot down where I was going on the weekends so *someone* would have a clue to go on if I came up missing. Me, paranoid? I like to think of it as practical.. says:

    Wait….you’re conversing with more Match.com people but not telling us anything about it? How is that any fun for us?
    No, it’s not just you….it must be in the female DNA or something. I can live in what I think is “normal” clutter and general disarray until I know someone is coming over and then everything has to be detailed. Silly, is what that is, but all that *judgement* stuff and all, you know. That goes DOUBLE if this is the first time said person is visiting.
    Don’t worry….you can trust Dick Whitman. I just have a feeling. But just in case, leave your itinerary with Pat/Peg so the cops can retrace your steps. And does Peg have binoculars? ‘Cause maybe she should jot down Dick’s license plate number, along with make/model. Oh what the heck….you don’t live in L.A. anymore. You’re safe. Enjoy yourself. What movie are you seeing?

    Like

  20. GardenGirl...when I lived alone I used to jot down where I was going on the weekends so *someone* would have a clue to go on if I came up missing. Me, paranoid? I like to think of it as practical.. says:

    Wait….you’re conversing with more Match.com people but not telling us anything about it? How is that any fun for us?
    No, it’s not just you….it must be in the female DNA or something. I can live in what I think is “normal” clutter and general disarray until I know someone is coming over and then everything has to be detailed. Silly, is what that is, but all that *judgement* stuff and all, you know. That goes DOUBLE if this is the first time said person is visiting.
    Don’t worry….you can trust Dick Whitman. I just have a feeling. But just in case, leave your itinerary with Pat/Peg so the cops can retrace your steps. And does Peg have binoculars? ‘Cause maybe she should jot down Dick’s license plate number, along with make/model. Oh what the heck….you don’t live in L.A. anymore. You’re safe. Enjoy yourself. What movie are you seeing?

    Like

  21. Speaking of Corn Nuts, I would strongly recommend you obstain from eating barbeque flavored ones before any dates. I remember many years ago , Donna was on a kick of eating them and her breath smelled ….PRETTY!!

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  22. I can’t believe I missed boy week. Drat!
    As for your bug issue and the possibility there may be more than one, I had a similar conversation about fruit flies this week.
    We had them at our Target Cafe and I put in a call to have them exterminated (which was completed). We get inspections for our food safety and if they see 5 or more flies, it is a critical violation. I told this to my Food Manager and he assured me that there were only 4 and that I must have been counting the same one twice.

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  23. Pal and Pal’s mom, I’ve got all the data on this dude too. With the three of us on his tale it feels like our June is pretty safe. Still, I wish we could all follow along at a respectful distance, of course, like in the Godfather.

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  24. You are NOT a worry-wart. You are smart, savvy and sophisticated. Or as I like to say…the nut doesn’t fall far from the tree!

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  25. Happy Anniversary, Amish Annie!
    And, sorry about your MIL, FIMM…
    Annnnnd, just to put all of your minds at ease about June’s safety, I made June give me the low-down on Dick – his real name, where he works, etc…She told me I could arrest him if any harm comes to her during the date, so I’m all over that sh*t! I’m a big worry-wart despite my cool exterior!!

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  26. Funny In Your Own Mind,
    You are also hilarious on the outside of your mind too! Nice comments. Sorry about the MIL’s stupid ass cancer. Cancer bites the big one.
    Have fun on the date June! I hope Dick is not a cheap-skate and springs for popcorn AND Milk Duds. It’s just not a movie without Milk Duds sprinkled throughout the popcorn. It gives the perfect ratio of crunch/chew/salty/sweet.
    If he does not spring for good snacks, kick him to the curb.

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  27. Funny In Your Own Mind,
    You are also hilarious on the outside of your mind too! Nice comments. Sorry about the MIL’s stupid ass cancer. Cancer bites the big one.
    Have fun on the date June! I hope Dick is not a cheap-skate and springs for popcorn AND Milk Duds. It’s just not a movie without Milk Duds sprinkled throughout the popcorn. It gives the perfect ratio of crunch/chew/salty/sweet.
    If he does not spring for good snacks, kick him to the curb.

    Like

  28. Funny In Your Own Mind,
    You are also hilarious on the outside of your mind too! Nice comments. Sorry about the MIL’s stupid ass cancer. Cancer bites the big one.
    Have fun on the date June! I hope Dick is not a cheap-skate and springs for popcorn AND Milk Duds. It’s just not a movie without Milk Duds sprinkled throughout the popcorn. It gives the perfect ratio of crunch/chew/salty/sweet.
    If he does not spring for good snacks, kick him to the curb.

    Like

  29. I suppose Lu felt like a LOSER in 3rd place with the pussies so she thought she would SHOW US ALL WHAT SHE IS MADE OF! (corn nuts? I see lemon drops)
    Have fun on the Dick date. Hope you see Dick. Hope Dick doesn’t get all swollen.
    Oh Lord, I am here all day.
    Here’s to dead mutant bugs and clean houses and seeing Dick.
    Happy anniversary Amish Annie- hope nobody is allergic to strawberries!

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  30. Yay for Team June (although I am on Team Edsel). I am getting new team buttons ready for everyone and will get them to June tomorrow. I know y’all all can’t wait!

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  31. Sadie hopes it all goes well anyway and you don't end up in a field. I just want you to know we're all depending on you...to come back alive. says:

    Your date night might be cut short when Dick’s throat closes from the pet dander. Benedryl will make him drowsy and he will sleep through the movie. What’s a date to do when he is allergic to pets?

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  32. This is going to be awesome! Just like a Judd Apatow movie! Dick Whitman’s eyeballs are going to blow up like puffer fish and then he’ll gulp down 2 bottle of Benadryl at which point hilarity will ensue!
    I hope Dick Whitman will have a rebuttal soon!

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  33. I was suggesting mace/pepper spray for security/self-defense, not the spice mace, although that might be the same thing. Are you taking Lu to the movie with you? I’m just saying. HA!

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  34. Yay! Date night. Aren’t you and Dick going to swing by Peg’s deck party?

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  35. Yay for Talu! Bug breath and all.
    Which movie?
    Funny until you end up in a field…ha!
    Sorry so disjointed…too much caffiene.

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  36. Amish Annie 28 years of wedded bliss and celebrating at a Strawberry Festival, shout out to Barb from Milwaukee says:

    I sound like a broken record, but I laughed all the way through this post. You are responsible for all my new “smile lines” aka wrinkles on my face. Thanks a bunch.
    Have a great time with Dick. Poor guy, that’s a hard name to live up to.

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