Burning down the workplace

Yesterday at work, somebody walked down my aisle and said, "What's that smell?"

I don't know about you, but I always panic when someone says that. Am I wearing another kitten-pee shirt? Did I accidentally bring a bag of dog poo in with me? These things are entirely possible when you're me.

Fortunately, the building was burning down and the smell was not mine.

I work in a cool old building that used to be a textile mill, and just so you know, everything in North Carolina used to be a textile mill. This house was probably a textile mill. I don't know what happened, except probably in 50 years everyone in China will be working in a cubicle that used to be a textile mill.

The point of my story is, it was some kind of electrical fire and although I never got to see flames–other than one questionable fireman–we all got to go home for the day. Supposedly today everything will be fine, but I am bringing s'more items just in case.

Now, some people might take an unforseen day off and head to the park with their dogs. Some might get their credit card and go shopping. Me?


Oh, I had a good nap. I kicked Edsel out of the room, because even though his entire goal in life is to be sleeping right next to me, all he does is FIDGET during our naps. Fidget fidget fidget. Oh, my foot needs biting. Hey, is someone walking by outside? I gots a itch. Let me sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff snifff SNURF in your ear.

So he was out of there. It breaks his heart. But screw him. I was gettin' unplanned nap time.

Also too, I have freelance work to do from the statistics company. And a mature person might have said, Oh wow. Now I have all day to tackle this work so I don't have to struggle with it in the evenings!

Yeah. Who picked up that work at 8:30 last night, finally?

And did you see Tom Hanks and that phony Julia Roberts on Oprah yesterday?

So it was an exciting day off. A lot was accomplished.

Roger and Anderson did a lot, too. Maybe I'm part cat.

I guess I was tired from fornicating with everyone in North Carolina all weekend.

(To be clear, I fornicated with absolutely no one this weekend. I was on the phone with my friend Paula earlier, and I mentioned I had two dates over the weekend, and by the end of the conversation I had exaggerated it from "I had two dates" to "I performed acts of bestiality on every creature in the Western hemisphere." Which makes no sense. You can only perform acts of bestiality on beasts, right?

Also, Paula kept drinking out of a glass of something, and as she talked she would sound like she was speaking from a long ice-filled tunnel. "What are you drinking?" I asked, annoyed that anyone would drink things while talking to me, and not giving me their undivided attention.

"Lemonade and iced tea," she told me.

"Oh, yeah," I said. "Isn't that called something? A Jack Horner or something?"

Paula brought her Jack Horner up through her nose holes, she was laughing at me so hard. "An Arnold Palmer, but Jack Horner was really close."

Arnold Palmer, Jack Horner. What's the diff? This is the longest parenthetical comment in the history of time.)

This Jack Whore better get in the shower so I can see what's left of the charred remains of my workplace. Maybe the building caught on fire because I'm so damn hot.

P.S. I just got on Facebook and saw this poem Miss Doxie wrote in the words of Edsel. I am sorry; she kills me, Miss Doxie does. And she might be a titch hotter than me.

Roses r red
Viletz r blu
Edsel is hugries
Where is ham?

209 thoughts on “Burning down the workplace

  1. LisaPie, Greenling does not deliver in my zip. So I guess I will continue to get produce that has been harvested with medical waste. I blame Sue.


  2. Flo’s hot but the mayhem dude is a little scary. I like the All-State insurance guy; handsome, great voice, stable, yet you just know there’s a quirky sense of humor in there. I’ll bet he cooks too.
    Sadie, continued prayers and thoughts for your SIL. Glad she’s doing better!


  3. June, did you drive your fire truck to work today? I’m so glad it was a fire and not your cat pee shirt. Whee. Maybe the questionable fireman can be your new BFF.
    Pal, do you want to swap mid-80s for mid 90s and humidity?
    Anita, I’m living in the dark ages, we don’t have tvio or cable. I refuse to pay to watch TV.
    My husband saw James Brown live in Atlanta. He said it was a wild concert. We saw Ray Charles the year before he died, but you don’t have a Ray Charles statue, do you?
    I almost forgot, Mrs. Oh and Hulk I’ll enter my mom in your contest. Her leg is black down the back from her mid thigh to her ankle as a result of a hip replacement two weeks ago.
    Sadie, great news! Okay, I’ll shut up.


  4. Tee and Pal, I’ll trade with either of you for my low 60s and rain. This California girl needs to get herself out of the Pacific Northwest. No wonder everyone up here smokes so much pot, it’s probably the only way to keep from being depressed and cold in the middle of summer.


  5. Pamela…I’m going to start that book, too. A friend gave me her copy and insisted that I read it.
    Unruly Hair…thanks for your comment about my cat.
    Sadie…that’s really good news. In January 2011, Joanne Heim, who blogs at http://thesimplewife.typepad.com, had a major stroke. She is in her mid 30s and has made remarkable progress since January. She is now at home and continuing her rehab. Although every case is different, you might like to read some of the updates her husband Toben has posted to her blog. He chronicles the set backs, successes, and the stress he has felt watching their life unwind. Some of the entries might be intense for someone watching a loved one struggle with the damage caused by a stroke, but overall the entries are so uplifting. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.


  6. Thank you. I’m going to call my SIL now to find out first hand how her daughter is doing.
    Duffylou and Kathy, so sorry to both of you about your kitten and cat. Kathy, enjoy the time you have left. Duffylou, I’m not sure how my dog would react to a cat in the house, but I have a feeling it would not be good. She would probably think it was a squirrel and chase it.


  7. I tried to read BBP today from work but it got blocked due to ‘adult content’. After reading the comments I can understand. Dang, I was missing out on some good stuff! Oh and I second (or third) “The Help” as being wonderful. And I grew up in Mississippi in the 60’s so it really rings true to me. And I’ll trade weather with Tammie VV in a heartbeat. Try mid to upper 90’s with humidity in the 70-80 percent range. And after a rain, the streets just steam and you feel like someone has wrapped a wet wool throw around you. Fun! Summer in the South.


  8. Any of you ever heard of the book Room? It’s told from the viewpoint of a five-year-old kid who has spent his entire life locked in an eleven-foot-by-eleven-foot shed with his mother.
    You guys should read it. Then I could go eavesdrop on book club while you talked about it and that would be cool.


  9. Siren, maybe June would consider Room if you would be willing to provide your perspective. Would you be up for that? I think it would be really interesting.


  10. YIKES no! That’s not how it’s supposed to go! Seriously that is not where I was trying to go with that. I like my eavesdropping idea better, really I do, that is scary Letha, panic panic panic no way never mind ACK! I take it back Room is a dumb stupid moron book that book is totally for babies only losers and sissies would read that book you all should read The Vampire Diaries or a Jodi Picoult book or Roget’s Thesaurus or something, anything.


  11. Yeah okay but I suggested it in an explicitly non-participatory way, not in a way like oh I have such a total perspective to offer, jeez. And stop winking respectfully at me. That is completely confusing, dammit.
    Scowl. I’m going to bed now.
    Your cranky friend Siren


  12. Paula: Hookers & Blow. That thunder and lightning is CLOSE and it scared me awake and I think I pooped my pjs.\\\\ says:

    What Letha said. And no scooting on your speedership, either.


  13. Paula: Hookers & Blow. That thunder and lightning is CLOSE and it scared me awake and I think I pooped my pjs.\\\\ says:

    What Letha said. And no scooting on your speedership, either.


  14. Paula: Hookers & Blow. That thunder and lightning is CLOSE and it scared me awake and I think I pooped my pjs.\\\\ says:

    What Letha said. And no scooting on your speedership, either.


  15. Tee,
    Since I had a hip replacement last December and another coming up this December, please tell me why your mom’s leg has turned black??


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