Uncle Lilly and Aunt Chris

Tonight my friends Chris and Lilly came to visit, and do not be confused, please. I am writing this on Saturday night because I am all hepped up on the decaf and am not tired yet. Anyway, when they came to the door, Tallulah ran over, because as aloof of a dog as she is, for some reason she takes a big shine to Chris.

"Are Aunt Chris and Uncle Lilly here?" I asked her. Aunt Chris and Uncle Lilly. What in the Sam Holy Hill has happened to my brain parts?

Anyway, yes. They were here. And they brought me hydrangeas!

Flowers
How pretty! They also brought the meat, cheese, an onion, cooking implements and anything else they could think of because they assumed I would have nothing. Which, you know, I didn't for the most part.

Aunt Chris and Uncle Lilly are 17 years younger than I am. Are they incredibly mature or am I a dolt?

Don't answer, please.

Dogluv
The dogs were delighted to have people over, as they are a sociable group. Winston and Henry sat in the lawn outside and glared at us, and the kittens were hither and yon, mostly getting their necks chewed by the dogs. My dogs have this awful habit of being nice to cats unless the cats are in the back yard, then suddenly they are prey and must be chawed.

Basically dogs are idiots. Chawing idiots.

Lilly and I sat and enjoyed our own selves while Chris got out the charcoal, lit it on fire, scrubbed my dusty sitting-in-the-shed-all-winter grill, then made the hangabers. My friend Renee's kid said hangabers but she is now, like, six and probably does not say that anymore. Nevertheless the three of us said "hangabers" all night even though Chris and Lilly would not know Renee if they peed on her. Why they would pee on Renee is beyond me.

Coincidentally, whenever I had parties in LA, Renee would come over with all her cooking implements and end up making all the food. You see. People enable me.

Anyway, we had fun and ended up talking about times we've pooped ourselves, which for the record only happened to me when I was, like, four. So thank you. Of course now I've cursed myself and will probably bring the poop fest as I type.

When Marvin met my family for the first time, not one but TWO family members told him about times they pooped themselves as adults. I have no idea why this marriage did not work out.

Okay, now I am tired. I am pooped. BAH! I wanted to tell you why I like Daniel Boone but that will have to wait for another day. I have come up with a profound idea about how men and women differ, and what men need to figure out about us and what Daniel Boone seems to either already know or is just intrinsically good at. About two straight single men read this blog, so I don't know why I'm trotting out this info. Maybe one day a straight boy will find this blog and my theory will help him. Because I am the Ann Landers of my time.

Oh, I almost forgot. I served coffee tonight and my milk expired May 13. Why did Chris and Lilly think they had to bring all the groceries, again? And why the hell didn't they bring milk? GOD. Rude.

Okay goodnight. Try not to poop yourself.

Maturely,

June

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

77 thoughts on “Uncle Lilly and Aunt Chris”

  1. June, you were an excellent hostess! And, I want to point out to all the faithful readers that I have never….ever…pooped myself! We’ll have you over soon for skeet shooting and horseback riding!

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  2. Your metal lawn furniture is super cute and grandma-ish. I love it!!

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  3. “Try not to poop yourself” is basically the first thing I tell myself every morning. So far, so good.
    Dinner sounds delightful, and look at Chris all sending his thank you note bright and early this am! Lilly is one of my favorite names btw. My very best first friend was named Lilly. She was a redheaded spitfire who would do ANYTHING at least once. The last time I saw her she was a single mom looking all haggard and rundown working as a waittress at a Big Boy. How does that happen? Well that was a cheery ending to that paragraph!
    Talu sounds like she’s wishing there was a man in the house. Maybe she thought Chris was yet another man you were test driving so she was being a charmer to try to get a new dad. But don’t date Chris. Lilliy probably wouldn’t be ok with that. She might even poop herself over the whole situation.

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  4. Oh! And I think chris just invited us all over for skeets and horseback riding!
    And yes Siren. I would include the shart. Let your “friend” know.

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  5. Oh I see, it was a mistake. That you have now repeated so many times it’s totally etched into my brain. I would be the world’s easiest brainwash victim.

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  6. Times we’ve pooped ourselves? TimeS? Plural? That we’ve pooped ourselves? I assume you are speaking past diaper age (infancy) and again before diaper age (elderly/infirm). I’m in shock. People do this? And talk about it?
    On purpose? Or by accident (inferred from the shart clarification)?
    Speechless. And poop-on-selfless.

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  7. Times we’ve pooped ourselves? TimeS? Plural? That we’ve pooped ourselves? I assume you are speaking past diaper age (infancy) and again before diaper age (elderly/infirm). I’m in shock. People do this? And talk about it?
    On purpose? Or by accident (inferred from the shart clarification)?
    Speechless. And poop-on-selfless.

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  8. Times we’ve pooped ourselves? TimeS? Plural? That we’ve pooped ourselves? I assume you are speaking past diaper age (infancy) and again before diaper age (elderly/infirm). I’m in shock. People do this? And talk about it?
    On purpose? Or by accident (inferred from the shart clarification)?
    Speechless. And poop-on-selfless.

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  9. Paula, remember your research on marathon running!
    Oh, sure, Dawn!
    The purple hydrangeas are SO pretty. Don’t forget to pick up milk today.
    No spoons? Hmm.

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  10. I pooped myself out of fear one time when I was ten and my friend (No one should assume I’m referring to my housemate and/or person of undefinable relationship.) had the flu last winter and made a tiny shart. I know this because we share these sorts of things because we’re classy that way.
    Other than that our garments around here have remained relatively defecation-free.

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  11. I first have to say Chris startled me because I thought he said keets shooting. Very disturbing.
    It sounds like y’all had a great time last night.
    Did you have to search high and low for that glider or is it a reproduction? It is awesome. My grandma had something similar in photos from the late ’50s early ’60s.

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  12. Sadie - Did you actual learn to use your grill by watching Chris or were you too busy talking about soiled pants? says:

    You are the hostess with the most-est. Next time check the milk to make sure it is fresh.
    Lilly and Chris have to get an award for being the perfect guests. Not only cooking all of the food, but bringing the groceries and their entire kitchen with them ranks right at the top. Then to bring flowers, too? I’d have thought I had died and gone to heaven.

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  13. When I have a really bad, BAD day, I try to remember, “At least I didn’t sh*t down my leg.” That actually happened to someone at work. Years ago. And they still talk about it.

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  14. Okay wait, Siren was ten last winter? Or am I having that lack of coffee problem again? That’s how I read that. OR the cuz the headach is back. It must have rained during the night or it’s on it’s way again because my head is telling me so. That and the water on my chairs outside. Which, I love your glider June. See how that all related to each other?
    Lily can come visit me anytime if she brings me hydrangeas. Yes, Chris can come too. Since he’s such a polite boy that sends thank yous.

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  15. Okay wait, Siren was ten last winter? Or am I having that lack of coffee problem again? That’s how I read that. OR the cuz the headach is back. It must have rained during the night or it’s on it’s way again because my head is telling me so. That and the water on my chairs outside. Which, I love your glider June. See how that all related to each other?
    Lily can come visit me anytime if she brings me hydrangeas. Yes, Chris can come too. Since he’s such a polite boy that sends thank yous.

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  16. Okay wait, Siren was ten last winter? Or am I having that lack of coffee problem again? That’s how I read that. OR the cuz the headach is back. It must have rained during the night or it’s on it’s way again because my head is telling me so. That and the water on my chairs outside. Which, I love your glider June. See how that all related to each other?
    Lily can come visit me anytime if she brings me hydrangeas. Yes, Chris can come too. Since he’s such a polite boy that sends thank yous.

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  17. Sadie thinks we were all warned when Pal told us that she and June discuss this topic at every opportunity. says:

    Bye Bye, Pie…where you go to discuss the finer things in life.

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  18. Well, I figured as much. Can you imagine a ten year old reading this blog? Oh the life lessons she would learn.
    And I’m not going to attempt to correct all the errors in that last comment. It is what it is.
    Lisa, how did the hair come out? I noticed a ton of red in mine last night. Like a glowing beacon. I did not have the stigmata issues but ding dang the humidity is high today.

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  19. Weren’t those the hydrageas by the barn in the picture where June was standing by, but not touching, the horse? So Pretty.
    I have a big vintage glider that I painted red, yellow and white, these gliders have designs on them and you can paint in a way that makes one design stand out over another. Gawd, I think I just bored myself to death with that. Anyway, my glider always got hot in the heat and when people came over they would not sit on it. So I moved it in front of the barn and the birds poop all over it and no one ever sits on it. Shocking.
    See, I found a way to incorporated poop into the story.
    Interested to hear about Daniel Boone’s insights.

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  20. I pooped myself once. I was out for an early morning jog, still dark out, only person on a lonely country road, until a big truck came up behind me and stayed there, putting along to my speed, wouldn’t pass. I ran like the wind, scared for my life and when I got home I pooped my pants standing right there in my driveway. I guess you could say I had the shit scared out of me?

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  21. Love your pretty table setting & the super cute retro patio furniture. Talu reminds me of our dogs. They are irked at most of our guests except for a chosen few. Chris & Lilly are perfect guests! The kind who cook! I’m glad to see that Mr. Munroe & I aren’t the only ones who hang out with youngsters.
    Two of our greatest friends are 16 years younger than us. I like to think it’s because we are so hip & young acting & all. After learning that Mr. Munroe & I started dating 28 years ago, my young friend commented that we have been together as long as she has been alive. So technically, I guess I could be her mother. Hmmm.

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  22. Wow! What nice friends! I was trying to imagine how you and Lilly got on that particular subject and then I remembered that Dick’s Mother reads your blog. Hi Dick’s Mom!
    BTW, your table looked so pretty!

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  23. Also? We planted a row of hydrangeas and my rotten, no-good husband INSISTS on calling them anything BUT hydrangeas. “Honey, did you see the azaleas bloomed?” “Hey, look, there’s a squirrel over in the hibiscus.” “I think we should put the firepit in front of the rhododendrons.”
    It drives me crazy and makes me want to kill him and bury him in those damn hydrangeas.

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  24. Also? We planted a row of hydrangeas and my rotten, no-good husband INSISTS on calling them anything BUT hydrangeas. “Honey, did you see the azaleas bloomed?” “Hey, look, there’s a squirrel over in the hibiscus.” “I think we should put the firepit in front of the rhododendrons.”
    It drives me crazy and makes me want to kill him and bury him in those damn hydrangeas.

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  25. Also? We planted a row of hydrangeas and my rotten, no-good husband INSISTS on calling them anything BUT hydrangeas. “Honey, did you see the azaleas bloomed?” “Hey, look, there’s a squirrel over in the hibiscus.” “I think we should put the firepit in front of the rhododendrons.”
    It drives me crazy and makes me want to kill him and bury him in those damn hydrangeas.

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  26. In all fairness Paula, all those flower names do kind of sound the same. I make the same mistake all the time and sometimes even, I ask someone if their rhododenwhatever is a butterfly bush and I get the stare.

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  27. A pooping oneself story — someone I know very well-ahem- was out for a early morning run and 4 lonnngg miles from home. Guess what…had to go and had to go NOW. Came down to the cornfield or come back from the run with lumpy shorts& earthy aroma. Thank the good Lord it was high, corn that is; early enough for no traffic and that napkin ‘she’ carried for nose-blowing…that’s all I’m gonna say about that

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  28. June is going to tell me what I need to know about women. Ok. This oughta be good.
    1. Like cats
    2. Buy my groceries
    3. Don’t shit yourself

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  29. I think my hair looks awesome. So I’m sure it does!
    And if you’d ever worked in retail you would not be one bit surprised at how many poop accidents folks have. And I mean full grown adult type people. And the many ways they find to deal with it once it happens.
    Personally I make sure I am always within walking distance of a toilet so the bad stuff doesn’t happen.

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  30. I cannot add much to the embarrassing accidental poop predicaments, as I am happy to say that that is not within my realm of personal experiences. Lot’s of other embarrassing stuff. But no poop. However, having raised two children, I *have* been pooped *upon*. But I’m not sure if that counts.
    I love your darling table set all vintage-like with a tablecloth and hydrangea and all. I want to come over sometime….wait, you don’t cook, and I don’t feel like cooking, so never mind. Are those cloth napkins? Perfect. I use cloth napkins. It’s what separates us from the beasts.
    I’m glad you’re learning more about Daniel Boone and his ways. Knowing/possessing something intrinsically is the best….it’s who we are naturally. Like the “but how do they treat the dog when NO ONE’S LOOKING?” kind of assurance. Sounds to me like Daniel Boone is worth more dates!
    Your yard is cute and your chairs have a vintage feel to them, too. Maybe you could make mason jar candle holders to hang here and there among the trees for your answer to Peg’s bottles-in-the-trees for your next nighttime entertaining. That sounded suggestive. I mean your next evening party. Just a thought.
    I’m off to read the comments now and see how much I’ve babbled about that’s already been discussed. Carry on June.

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  31. You know, I can BAN you both! BAN! Banned from Junes blog! Is there anything worse?? Other than famine and disease and resembling Margaret Thatcher??
    Sent from my me phone

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  32. Well, she left the previous ones from us, so I think maybe she likes to tease her Faithful Readers?
    How do you get into the mind of a dictator, a tyrant like our dear June?
    Ima go call her right now and get the skinny on the date with Dick. (That didn’t sound so good!) I’m not implying anything about he size of his…ummm…feet.
    HI Dick Whitman’s Mom!

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  33. June- other worse things: war, pestilence, and Kathy Timberlake. Sorry- I just couldn’t resist.

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  34. Anita, if I embalm him in vinegar, will that do it?
    Also, clearly I missed something this afternoon. DAMMIT.

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  35. Anita, if I embalm him in vinegar, will that do it?
    Also, clearly I missed something this afternoon. DAMMIT.

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  36. Anita, if I embalm him in vinegar, will that do it?
    Also, clearly I missed something this afternoon. DAMMIT.

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  37. I missed something, too, but I think I’m glad.
    I have not been following the trial at ALL. In fact I’ve tried to know as little as possible because stories like that get me a little too worked up and contribute to my insomnia. It MUST be almost over.

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