Daniel Boone…

Stilllifewithonionis a very nice boy.

But I am not gonna blog about either boy very much anymore, because it’s gettin’ weird, over here. I guess it’s one thing to know the person you’re seeing is seeing other people, and quite another to READ all about it.

June. Having to tell everyone about her blog since 2007. Because she can never shut up about anything. Since 1965. Well. Maybe 1966. Cannot remember when I began to speak.

Oh! But I did want to tell you what I did to scare the crap out of myself yesterday.

I had my biannual teeth cleaning, and this was the one where they search all over your mouth for mouth cancer. Does your dentist do this or is it just mine?

You know how I am. Of course I’m convinced every time I go in there that they’re gonna wrap the gauze around my tongue and say, “Oh, you poor woman! Get your affairs in order!!” Because have you met me??

So the hygienist, who by the way talks more than any other human being on the face of planet Earth, and if you are interested in what kind of kitchen counters she’s getting, I can certainly fill you in (NOT GRANITE) (she DOESN’T WANT GRANITE), was in there looking away and she stopped telling me about ecologically correct counters to say, “You have a bump on the roof of your mouth.”

Oh, my blood went cold. I saw myself feeling the silk, if you know what I mean. There was my whole family talking about how lifelike I look, and what a shame she went so early. The only time 46 is young is when you drop dead from mouth-bump cancer.

So all that is coursing through my mind when she says, “About 45% of people have mouths shaped like that. It’s unusual.”

Okay. How is FORTY-FIVE PERCENT really unusual? And doesn’t she KNOW by now to not SAY things like that to me? I can see the computer screen with my chart, and it reads, “Patient EXTREMELY knowledgeable about medical issues.” Which is a polite way of saying hypochondriacal freak.

A bump in my mouth. I’ll give HER a bump in the mouth. MAN.

So that’s all my news that is fit to print. Literally.

Advertisements

Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

195 thoughts on “Daniel Boone…”

  1. My dental hygienist is a friend of mine and it’s crazy hard to gossip when she’s got her hands in my mouth. She always books extra time for me so we can get out all the gossip.
    I get the mouth cancer screening, too, because if there’s a test for a disease, sign me up! My hypochondria is so bad, I was watching some reality show on John Hopkins hospital last night on Oprah’s channel. Some poor man had advanced liver disease and didn’t know it, because liver disease has FEW SYMPTOMS. I made my daughter get off the laptop so I could Web MD liver disease, convinced I was, that I had it.
    I don’t have any bumps, but my dentist tells me every time that I have more saliva than any of his patients. Apparently, this is a good thing. Hulk, don’t say it.
    Your flowers are beautiful. Men who give flowers just because definitely are keepers.

    Like

  2. If anyone needs a liver donor let me know. I think I have one about the size of a ’78 Buick.

    Like

  3. If anyone needs a liver donor let me know. I think I have one about the size of a ’78 Buick.

    Like

  4. If anyone needs a liver donor let me know. I think I have one about the size of a ’78 Buick.

    Like

  5. Wouldn’t that suck if OJ’s tests all came back negative, then she got ran over by a bus on the way back to her car?

    Like

  6. Wouldn’t that suck if OJ’s tests all came back negative, then she got ran over by a bus on the way back to her car?

    Like

  7. Wouldn’t that suck if OJ’s tests all came back negative, then she got ran over by a bus on the way back to her car?

    Like

  8. OJ – did you see the clip of Bono bringing the blind guitar player onto the stage in Nashville? OH what a fine man he is! Just more proof in my book.

    Like

  9. Was gonna google that liver disease thing because it scares the crap out of me, but then OJ said it was *not* caused from drinking.
    Whew.

    Like

  10. Oh my god – y’all have me dying over here! La Ural (which I’m totally stealing for my signature now, thanks Hulk) and then pink ponies, slapdogs and Godspeedial, sex toys on the second date, and liver diseases … I love this blog and the comments. And I so needed a laugh this afternoon. Thanks BBPville!

    Like

  11. *No AA, you don’t get it from drinking.*
    HEE!

    Like

  12. Sorry to put the brakes on girls but flowers are not the end all be all. I dated a guy for 4 years who sent me flowers, roses, ALL the TIME. Everyone thought I had snagged a royal for cryin out loud. Then I figured out he was seeing 2 other women, and me, all at the same time.
    Bet his yearly floral budget would have paid my yearly mortgage.
    “God, did she owe me money?” (Dying over here)

    Like

  13. Beth- you are amazing! Thank you.
    Hulkie- I don’t know why the women aren’t knockin’, every girl loves a funny guy.
    Paula H & B- that’s my motto (Coach girls unite)
    I do miss getting flowers, though I have some lovely bags
    June- Since both men and one mom possibly read this blog, better to keep your dates a secret. I am wondering if Dick’ mom was calling him this morning saying “FLOWERS!! He sent her FLOWERS! Get her some Godiva chocolates and a new pair of pink sparkly flats and hurry!”
    As I was cruisin through Oct/Nov looking for that book review, I saw so many pics of baby Edsel and his teefs.

    Like

  14. So Hulk is giving your eulogy, beginning with, “F*uck, did she owe me money,” and you’ve already asked me to put those springy snakey things in your urn in case there are any Nosey Parkers. Is there anything else planned for your wake that we should know about?

    Like

  15. So Hulk is giving your eulogy, beginning with, “F*uck, did she owe me money,” and you’ve already asked me to put those springy snakey things in your urn in case there are any Nosey Parkers. Is there anything else planned for your wake that we should know about?

    Like

  16. So Hulk is giving your eulogy, beginning with, “F*uck, did she owe me money,” and you’ve already asked me to put those springy snakey things in your urn in case there are any Nosey Parkers. Is there anything else planned for your wake that we should know about?

    Like

  17. Oh dear. Last year the dentist finally noticed I have a mouth bump thing which I think I have had all my life. He started crying because I already have a weird cancer or he just hates cancer I guess but dude was crying as well as the hygienist.
    You know it’s a bad day when you make the dentist cry. He didn’t even charge me for that visit he was so upset. After he calmed down he got me an appointment with the oral surgeon the next day for a totally expensive but necessary mouth bump biopsy which was negative for actual cancer but had suspicious cells so I went back for more of a mouth excavation a week later.So I guess…take the mouth bumps seriously folks.
    I love the flowers. Boys who send flowers have really got the power….or at least that’s what my ex BF told me.

    Like

  18. I think I kind of want to be propped up in an apron, like a happy hostess, holding a cup of coffee. Will that be weird? Then you can cremate me. In fact, cremate me and bring your smores.

    Like

  19. My mother in law has bile duct cancer.
    Symptoms: pain in side, dark urine, light poo, jaundice. Sadly the symptoms only arrive when the cancer is at stage 4.
    Effing cancer.
    You gotta be buried in a BBP tee shirt.
    Should we see if Ed will dig up Francis again? The Egyptians went to the nether pastures with their pets. Cept I think the pets went with them even if they weren’t dead yet.
    Every time I am sad, I am going back to October 2010. Edsel’s upper days.
    Also?? Glass Castle was in 2009!!! I was looking at last fall.

    Like

  20. You should write your name and date of death on your dry erase board and hold it while you’re in the coffin.

    Like

  21. You should write your name and date of death on your dry erase board and hold it while you’re in the coffin.

    Like

  22. You should write your name and date of death on your dry erase board and hold it while you’re in the coffin.

    Like

  23. June, would anyone believe it was you if you were wearing an apron and serving something edible/drinkable?

    Like

  24. There’s not going to be admission charged for this, is there? If so, it could be like a fundraiser for the society of people with unfortunately big hair.

    Like

  25. The dentist started CRYING? Jesus. How freaky is that?! Wait–was this dentist a woman? Maybe it was just PMS. Still, a bad thing to do to a patient just sitting there, mouth-bump all exposed and vulnerable.
    I have pretty good teeth (though they’ve sort of moved back into their original bad positions over the years since I had braces at, you know, age 11 or something. So even though I’ve rarely had cavities and no crowns or root canals or anything, I cannot STAND getting my teeth cleaned. I get unbelievably freaked out and my nervous system goes into full panic when I feel and hear dental tools touching my teeth. I pay (something like $20 or $40) for the nitrous every teeth cleaning, but even with the nitrous, it’s pretty much unbearable for me. I don’t know why I’m so weird.
    On a weirder note, I just found out my dentist died in June. I mean, in the month of June, not while, you know, having intercourse with our favorite blogger. He was a really cool guy, in a wheelchair since the age of 18 from a motorcycle accident. A very nice guy and good dentist. He will be missed.

    Like

  26. June we hardly knew ye
    That’s a lie
    We knew all your poop
    Courtesy of Bye Bye Pie

    Like

  27. Oh my gosh, y’all are so funny today. I think Letha got a little somethin’ somethin’ last night the way she’s torpedoing out these zingers.
    I will have to go on The Google to find out details, but a few years back there was a gent in the Cleveland area who arranged a rather unconventional showing. The funeral home set up a room with his furniture and stood him up like he was greeting visitors.
    Think about the mechanics of the whole thing. Plus, I think it’s kind of creepy, but they used to show people in their own homes. Rules are getting looser.

    Like

  28. Oh, the dry erase board! How I miss the dry erase board.
    Also. You are going to BOTH stop writing about your various dates AND stop telling them you have a blog? That makes no sense. You only need to stop telling them about your blog if you’re going to write about them.

    Like

  29. Oooo, I made a mistake. This was a 24 year old in Puerto Rico. This is the only link I could find that didn’t have music or jokes, etc.


    While I was looking for that one, I found this more interesting one.

    Like

  30. That’s a little too freaky for me. But to each its own. I heard a little kid in the background on the second one. Wonder how they explained that to him/her?

    Like

  31. I know there’s a Drew Barrymore quote about how if she dies before her cat she wants him to be fed her ashes so she’ll live on inside him. Do you think if you were fed to Roger Sterling he’d start a Match.com profile and blog his woman-trapped-in-a-neutered-male-cat’s-body adventures?

    Like

  32. Dear Pie People,
    I do not want to hear about any more weird diseases, PARTICULARLY ones with FEW SYMPTOMS! I have enough hypochondria for ALL OF US!! WebMD is my bff, and I have particular fondness for the symptom checker feature.
    Pleadingly,
    Texas Kari

    Like

  33. Still dying over here.
    Letha is HOT!
    June will need a large-ish coffin for all the stuff she is going to have to take with her. The glasses with the big nose though, that just seems screaming hysterical to me.
    Gosh what a party this will be. I hope we all still have most of our teeth when this goes down. And maybe by then, Hulk will be able to get a date.

    Like

  34. Is that an onion in the picture with the flowers?! To whom does that belong? We know you don’t cook.

    Like

  35. It’s not an onion. It’s a sex toy. From their second date. Right? First date: flowers. Second date: Sex toy.

    Like

  36. It’s not an onion. It’s a sex toy. From their second date. Right? First date: flowers. Second date: Sex toy.

    Like

  37. It’s not an onion. It’s a sex toy. From their second date. Right? First date: flowers. Second date: Sex toy.

    Like

  38. That “girlfriend” is enjoying herself a bit too much, Hulk.
    But Anita is right, once the barrier’s broken…
    HEY! Remember the episode of SATC when Carrie farted at Big’s place, and he razzed her for days about it? That was awesome.

    Like

  39. That “girlfriend” is enjoying herself a bit too much, Hulk.
    But Anita is right, once the barrier’s broken…
    HEY! Remember the episode of SATC when Carrie farted at Big’s place, and he razzed her for days about it? That was awesome.

    Like

  40. That “girlfriend” is enjoying herself a bit too much, Hulk.
    But Anita is right, once the barrier’s broken…
    HEY! Remember the episode of SATC when Carrie farted at Big’s place, and he razzed her for days about it? That was awesome.

    Like

  41. So it’s decided then? Hulk is getting us all flowers. I’ll pass around a sign up sheet, just write your name and address, thanks.

    Like

  42. I’ve heard of love DARTS, but love FARTS are something new, Siren, is the new plumbing acting up?

    Like

  43. I’ve heard of love DARTS, but love FARTS are something new, Siren, is the new plumbing acting up?

    Like

  44. I’ve heard of love DARTS, but love FARTS are something new, Siren, is the new plumbing acting up?

    Like

  45. Hooked up………….is that what the kids are calling it these days? We old folks call it ‘marriage maintenance’. Just kidding. I may have just turned 50 but I’m not DEAD. *snort*
    I knew it was only a matter of time, June. Marvin was still reading BBP……then Dick…….then Daniel…….then one of the guys MOTHERS, for pete’s sake! And if one of your beau’s MOTHERS is reading your blog then you can bet it wouldn’t be long before her whole Mahjong group was reading your blog. Bad idea. Good decision making, June. Here’s to a l-i-t-t-l-e bit of privacy for you and your new men friends. (I sound like The Church Lady, don’t I. uhuh.

    Like

  46. Great I have my cleaning next week and now I am all looking forward to the annual ‘swish and tongue pull’.
    The flowers are lovely thankfully they didn’t come with a card attached saying ‘in memory of’.
    I’m in a mood because I have woken up for the 6th year in a row at the exact moment I found that my mother passed. You think God would let me sleep through this crap. But no.

    Like

  47. whoa, wait a minute…I stop reading for like 15 minutes (okay it was more like 200 posts – hey you’re prolific, and I didn’t have a lot of time, and once I got behind it was too daunting to catch up so I just didn’t…oh whatever) and you’re divorced? I’m skimming, but did I get that right? WTF?

    Like

Comments are closed.