May/December

On Monday night, I was on the horn with an old friend; we've known each other since seventh grade. So you know how that is. By the time we hung up, it was 20 after 11:00.

I hate to tell you this because you already think I am boring for wanting white towels and stripey bathmats for my birthday. But I like to go to bed between 10:00 and 10:30.

Livin' it up. Is what I do. Hey, I need my rest. I have a very concentrate-y job.

So I was a little worried that I'd be all tired Tuesday morning but actually I woke up before the alarm went off. And I was fine all day. But when I got home? I thought, gee, I feel a little sleepy. Maybe I'll just lie–

Two hours. TWO HOURS went by and I was dead as a doornail. I slept like…I don't know. What's something that sleeps hard? I slept like my kittens, those slugs.

Resent Roger resent. Will further shed on cowch.

Andersonresenttoo Anderson also reszzzzzzzzzzz….

You guys. I vacuum that couch every day. It is a fur couch. Dick Whitman, who is allergic to pet dander and should never have said one word of introduction to me because he is doomed to die at my house, looked at that couch and said, "I will never sit on that thing."

The point is, I woke up and was all, Oh! I guess I fell asleep! Where am I? What day is this? And the dogs were lording over me wag-wag-wagging their annoying tails because they KNEW walk time had come and gone and why was mom Rip Van Winkle, back there, in the bedroom, with her unmoving body and closed eyelids?

So I slapped on their complex harnesses and out the door we went.

I should mention that I had glanced at myself before we left, and I had mascara streaming down one side of my face where I had slept, and also the side of my hair where I had not slept was smooth and lovely, for once, and the side where I had slept looked like Bozo.

The half-Bozo look is very in for fall. If you were remotely sophisticated you would know this.

So my lovely self and my calm, well-behaved dogs headed down the road, and two blocks later, there was my cute cute cute neighbor Paul.

Paul is 96 and in way better shape than me. He has one of those four-pronged canes, but it hardly even seems like he needs it. If it is remotely a nice day out, he'll be on his glider on the side of his house.

We have always exchanged pleasantries, "Those dogs sure are special" or "Hot day, innn't it?" but lately we talk for longer and longer amounts. The other day he leaned on that cane, got right up and came over to us.

"I been meaning to tell you something," said Paul, from under his straw hat. "I remember the first day I been seeing you walk your dog past here. You been reminding me of a girl I loved in 1936."

Nineteen thirty-SIX? Good lord. Who was it, Shirley Temple?

Her name was Anna Mae, and she lived in Detroit, and she almost got him to marry her. "I'm from Michigan!" I told him.

"That so? You from Deee-troit? You know any of Anna Mae Dobson's people?"

I love it when people think you're gonna know somebody from somewhere that big. "I lived in LA." "My cousin lived in LA. Did you know Andhoodle Henrickson?"

The name Andhoodle is very big for fall. Plebeian.

My point is, my neighbor Paul had invited me to sit on the glider and talk one day, and you know I was dying to because you know I love me the old people, and yesterday when I had the Bozo asymmetric look? And the Alice Cooper mascara going on?

"Say! There she is! Why don't you sit a spell today?"

So I did. Screw it. He was sitting on my good side, anyway, so I was careful not to expose Bozo Cooper to him much while we talked.

Oh, did we have the fun. Turns out his 97th birthday is next Wednesday, and I told him my birthday was right near his. "Quite a few years apart, though, darling," he said, eyeing my hair quizzically.

We talked about where we grew up and he said, "You probably never heard of where I'm from. I grew up in TinyTown County." He lived right outside of TinyTown! MY TinyTown! Can you imagine?

If you are just getting to this blog–and go read the archives, will you?–when we first left LA we moved to a town of 3,000 people at the bottom of North Carolina. I was miserable the whole time we were there, like Ava Gabor on Green Acres, but now I miss it.

We talked about my neighborhood and what it was like FIFTY YEARS AGO when he moved in, his career as a sheriff, his take on Pit Bulls (doesn't like 'em, he told me, while he petted Talu's big wrinkly head, oblivious), guns (doesn't like those either), telephones, longevity, girls who got away, people in TinyTown, old buildings, and oh! We had a high time.

Of course the whole time I was gliding and talking, Edsel kept trying to put the leash in his mouth and walk himself. "Whine! Whinewhinewhinewhinewhine!" said Edsel, who by the way is annoying.

"Why's he carryin' on like that?" Paul wanted to know. So eventually I had to get up and take the dogs on a better walk than two blocks to a glider.

"Don't go!" he implored.

"I don't even want to," I said. "I could sit here all night talking to you." And I totally could have. The jeww-lie flies were chirping (he taught me to call them that), the moon was pink, a little breeze was blowing. You couldn't have asked for a better thing to do than sit on a glider with an almost 97-year-old-man who was as sharp as anything.

He waved to us as we lurched down the street, the dogs eager to get going. And I was so delighted to have spent time with my neighbor that you could have slapped my face and called me Andhoodle.

236 thoughts on “May/December

  1. Fashion Square Blvd. is right off TITTabawassee, so you’ll do well Duffylou. I look forward to meeting you. I’ll be the one surrounded by Witnesses. Add more water to the pink lemonade, Hulk, we are going to partay (after knocking on a few doors in you neighborhood). No offense to anyone, my dear cousin is a witness and was just visiting me today.

    Like

  2. June, if there was ever any question about where you get your funny from, we have Witnessed the answer today. (Oh yes I did!) “We are going to partay (after knocking on a few doors…)” HA!
    Hulk, you better warn the Po-Po that there’s a party at Hulk Manor. Sometimes if you “invite” them they’ll leave y’all alone.

    Like

  3. Mother is a HOOT!
    Still waiting for word on that video stream so it can be Festivus for THE REST OF US! I mean, Hulkapalooza…

    Like

  4. Mother is a HOOT!
    Still waiting for word on that video stream so it can be Festivus for THE REST OF US! I mean, Hulkapalooza…

    Like

  5. Mother is a HOOT!
    Still waiting for word on that video stream so it can be Festivus for THE REST OF US! I mean, Hulkapalooza…

    Like

  6. Once upon a time Joann from Laundry Hurts My Feelings sent us this way. I’ve been hooked ever since and I just wanted to tell you, along with the other million people, that I absolutely love your blog. It’s the first one I read every single day.

    Like

  7. Neighbor Paul... I knew the dead one across the street.... not Anna Mae, but I did know Woodrow Wilson says:

    Dear June,
    I’m on the Greyhound bus heading for the bustling City of Saginaw… 17 hours I should be there. Reservations set for the Curry Inn. I’m soooo happy, can’t wait to see everyone… I read your everyday blog every day, just after my Metamucil. I’ve got my 4 legged cane, please wear that shirt I like.
    Love, Paul

    Like

  8. Neighbor Paul... I knew the dead one across the street.... not Anna Mae, but I did know Woodrow Wilson says:

    Dear June,
    I’m on the Greyhound bus heading for the bustling City of Saginaw… 17 hours I should be there. Reservations set for the Curry Inn. I’m soooo happy, can’t wait to see everyone… I read your everyday blog every day, just after my Metamucil. I’ve got my 4 legged cane, please wear that shirt I like.
    Love, Paul

    Like

  9. Neighbor Paul... I knew the dead one across the street.... not Anna Mae, but I did know Woodrow Wilson says:

    Dear June,
    I’m on the Greyhound bus heading for the bustling City of Saginaw… 17 hours I should be there. Reservations set for the Curry Inn. I’m soooo happy, can’t wait to see everyone… I read your everyday blog every day, just after my Metamucil. I’ve got my 4 legged cane, please wear that shirt I like.
    Love, Paul

    Like

  10. Sadie is happy to hear that Paul is on his way to Hulkapalooza. With all of the Witnesses there, he will have plenty of people to talk to. says:

    Cosmo’s Dad and Matze both crack me up.

    Like

  11. Sadie is happy to hear that Paul is on his way to Hulkapalooza. With all of the Witnesses there, he will have plenty of people to talk to. says:

    Cosmo’s Dad and Matze both crack me up.

    Like

  12. Sadie is happy to hear that Paul is on his way to Hulkapalooza. With all of the Witnesses there, he will have plenty of people to talk to. says:

    Cosmo’s Dad and Matze both crack me up.

    Like

  13. Amish Annie, can militant feminists who like to drink barrels of wine be Amish? Probably not, ya caught me! Just havin' fun on a Wednesday night while hiding out from some annoying customers who won't leave. says:

    Neighbor Paul is really Dad of Cosmo?!? And Mozza masqueraded as Buddy the elf?!? Can anyone be trusted here as who they are?
    Is “Anita” really a 12 year old skater boy and not a woman with a sharp wit.
    Is “Just Paula” really Paula H&B’s boss trying to get a little fun time in every day?
    Is “Sadie” really a mean beyotch MIL instead of the sweet lady she portrays?
    “Letha”, really? Animal welfare lover? Really? Like Mozz, you can be pretty convincing.
    Siren, well Siren has a blog, so I guess we do know she is who she says she is. She seems awfully mature thinking for such a youngish, scowlish person though.
    AND I’ll bet June’s name is really not “June”. And Hulk probably has a different name I’m fairly certain and..and…and…

    Like

  14. Amish Annie, can militant feminists who like to drink barrels of wine be Amish? Probably not, ya caught me! Just havin' fun on a Wednesday night while hiding out from some annoying customers who won't leave. says:

    Hulk, I have the ESPY’s on right now. My 27 year old sports nut, pregnant daughter called and said if I wanted to see hot guys, turn on the ESPY’s.
    Who’s your sister???!! What is she wearing? Is she easy to spot?

    Like

  15. She works for the network. In advertising. Out of Detroit. But she gets to go out to all these events, hosts clients, etc. I doubt she is on TV. Probably in the audience somewhere tho…

    Like

  16. Sadie will have to change her identity now that AA anounced it to the world. Also, did you realize that jean-jacques is Austrian? says:

    You guys are killing me. Letha, please eat a vegetarian taco and leave the kittens alone! I hope they do a kitten head count at the animal shelter tomorrow.
    Amish Annie, if you stomp the grapes to make your wine, does it meet the Amish requirements?

    Like

  17. Sadie will have to change her identity now that AA anounced it to the world. Also, did you realize that jean-jacques is Austrian? says:

    You guys are killing me. Letha, please eat a vegetarian taco and leave the kittens alone! I hope they do a kitten head count at the animal shelter tomorrow.
    Amish Annie, if you stomp the grapes to make your wine, does it meet the Amish requirements?

    Like

  18. Sadie will have to change her identity now that AA anounced it to the world. Also, did you realize that jean-jacques is Austrian? says:

    You guys are killing me. Letha, please eat a vegetarian taco and leave the kittens alone! I hope they do a kitten head count at the animal shelter tomorrow.
    Amish Annie, if you stomp the grapes to make your wine, does it meet the Amish requirements?

    Like

  19. I love Seth Meyers, hate Lebron James and am pretty neutral about the rest of it.
    If Hulk has wifi, I will bring my laptop.
    My daughter’s phone takes great video. My camera too, just no sound.

    Like

  20. GardenGirl .......I'm prolly the last to check-in today....no internet connection for most of the day. Ugh.. says:

    “Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by doing so we sometimes entertain angels unawares.”
    Sounds like an awesome evening, June.

    Like

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