Wherein there is no mason jar, but there are pickles

Last night, Laurie and I went out to celebrate (are you ready?) MY BIRTHDAY.

Have you ever known anyone, other than, say, the Queen of England, who can stretch her birthday into a longer period?

Laurie said she'd take me anywhere I wanted to go for dinner, and it took me eight seconds to say, "The Mason Jar!"

"…Okay," she said, putting away her American Express black card. I have no idea if there is really an American Express black card. Isn't there some color card for rich people where you can spend a lot?

The Mason Jar has Southern Food, and they serve their drinks in Mason jars, and it's cute cute cute! I was so excited to go to The Mason Jar.

So off we went, and we pulled up?

Nomason
Crap.

Why does there have to be a stupid economy?

Whyyyyyy
I'm peering into the empty Mason Jar, not trying to break in.

So we went to the restaurant next door and I had fried green tomatoes and Laurie had friend pickles and no we DON'T know why our cholesterol continues to skyrocket.

Laurie Here is Laurie, in a post-pickle moment of joy.

So we soldiered on. Because we're tough that way. And Laurie says I can't have my birthday gift till I get back home, which made me think, Oh! She got me a bulldog puppy! But I don't think anyone thinks I really need another pet. Chaos? As I write this, Edsel is eating the throw rug in the back room.

I am leaving tonight to head for my hometown, so I decided to open the presents that were here last night, because otherwise I'd open them AFTER my birthday and that is not acceptable.

006
Faithful Reader Mrs. Oh sent me dinner. Who loves herself? So bad?

Foodfoodfoodfud
My best pal, Pal From MA, always includes dog treats when she sends me something, and Tallulah was HIGHLY aware of this from the moment that package got in the house and alerted her half-Beagle nose.

I would show you pictures of what happened after I opened the box, but all the photos are blurs of dog maws.

Crack
For some reason they went for these sticks of cow like they were…sticks of cow.

Anyway, Pal from MA got me one exciting thing after another, as did my friend Dottie, and my Aunt Mary, and my mother, but I am late late late and must wrap this post up. Here are a few shots of my loot thus far:

Adorable
Pal got me an ADORABLE purse, and I have already put all my stuff in it. All my baggage. We need a  bigger purse, stat!

Who wants to bitch slap me for saying stat? Raise your hands, stat.

Necklace
Mom got me this beautiful blurry necklace, and yes I AM one of the founding fathers with that collar. Where's my quill pen?

Napkins
Both Pal and my Aunt Mary sent me napkins, in the hopes I would eat at the table like a civilized person, and not in my car driving home from Chik-Fil-A.

Aaaccccksopretty
I screamed. AAAAACCCCKKK! I said. When I opened these beautiful earrings, which Ima wear today if I ever stop talking and actually get ready for work.

Almond
Aunt Mary got me lotion that I am not allergic to, which is a find. I love almond-scented things. I also wear vanilla perfume. I must smell like dessert.

Todaysyourto
Remember when Tallulah was a puppy and she ate my beloved childhood book, Sugarplum? My friend Dottie got it for me AGAIN (Edsel's excited) and she managed to find a card with a huge mistake in it. How does she manage these things?

I really must get in the shower, as today's my to get to work late.

Next time I talk to you, I'll be on the road to Saginaw! I know. The glamor never stops over here in world of June.

 

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

354 thoughts on “Wherein there is no mason jar, but there are pickles”

  1. Hulk, really?? I am a whore for incriminating photos! (Other people’s, that is.) I will FB my cell number to you tonight!

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  2. come on people…
    ö) i said it is a cat picture and it IS a cat picture, honi soit qui mal y pense!
    ä) a penis! JUST a penis! guess what! about 51% of the people have one (i have one too shhhh, and your dads have one…i guess). cover your eyes with your pilgrim hats if necessary 😛
    ü) pj,yes,i think it is real, and i think it’s funny, how did he upload the picture and not notice? maybe he thought if the cat is naked he has to be naked too?
    ß)i could have posted links that would REALLY make you puke but one link was just from borat, a movie you all should see, very socio-critical, and the other one is a half naked guy, one could think you all have seen one before, not? what happens if you google penis and look at the pictures? would you die? faint? pray?
    ú) god save my not puritan soul!
    µ) girden garl,come to austria! all of you! and bring your gold!

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  3. Hulkie pooo! Thank you for responding. My question is how many toilets do you HAVE? Wow!
    Ima go email you my cell number PRONTO!! (Even though I have the world’s most ancient phone and will have to get on my computer to see the photos but don’t tell anyone!)
    Thanks for the well wishes. Things are fine. I just need to get me a taser on the days when my husband acts like a complete idiot. Even his best friend told him that he does not appreciate me enough for all that I do.
    As one of our best friends always tells him, “You need to just calm the F*UCK down!”
    Jeez. Men. (BBP men-folk are exceptions to that rule, of course.)

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  4. Cleaning two toilets…dealing with a lot of shit.
    GET IT??
    GOD I’m hilarious…

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  5. Hulk, wish I was there, too.
    And Matz, speaking of penis, a woman in California this week, drugged her husband, amputated his penis while he was passed out and then ground it up in the GARBAGE DISPOSAL. I don’t have a penis, but I just about died at the thought. And you’re right the US was founded by Puritans and it’s never left our collective mentality.
    Pal, that’s what I tell my girls pretty much all the time. Don’t worry they’re not toddlers or anything. And you’re right, all men need to appreciate their wives more.

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  6. PJ, I’m sorry we won’t be sitting in the car at the curbless curb at Hulkapalooza, but you are welcome to sit in the car at the Atlanta Junefest.

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  7. Matze — YOU crack me up! I was wondering what’s with the big ewwwwwww at the kitty picture. I just thought it was an ugly cat….
    until I revisited the photo.

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  8. Okay, first off, I didn’t notice the man in the background and had to go revisit the photo to check it out (and Matze, I think it’s half a naked man, not a half-naked man). Second, am I the only one who thought it was a dog and not a cat?
    Third and fourth, happy birthday to June and Pamela SS, who I just figured out is not MissPam and is not married to a preacher. It’s so hard for me to keep all the players straight.

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  9. Linda in CO, you are not the only one! It looks like a dog crossed with a cat crossed with a conch.

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  10. Linda in CO, you are not the only one! It looks like a dog crossed with a cat crossed with a conch.

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  11. Linda in CO, you are not the only one! It looks like a dog crossed with a cat crossed with a conch.

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  12. Letha, FB posts of Hulkapalooza? Or Junefests? Who do I need to friend? Or who can friend me? Ima have my own little Junefest, just me, myself and I, so I’m anxious to see everyone else’s fun!!

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  13. Happy Birthday June! I hope you, Hulk, and everyone have a great time at Hulkapalooza!
    I heard there is a whole culture (is that the right word?) of people who take pictures of random things with themselves naked in the background (like as a reflection in a mirror or something). Like if they are posting something on craigslist, the put it on their dining room table, and there is a mirror on the wall, and there they are!!) I couldn’t open the link but I wonder if that pic is one of those?
    Also–I know this was WAY back in the comments, but I am unpacking and didn’t get to read yesterday! Anita–I have ridiculous curly hair–it can’t decide if it wants to be curly or wavy or straight in some places…or all of those. Anyway–my favorite thing is Biosilk Beach Texture spray. It is awesome. It feels like nothing is in your hair, but give it perfect wavy curls!

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  14. GirdenGarl..........I WISH!....I did, however, just inherit service for 12 of some loverly china from my elderly MIL. Oh joy. says:

    Now see that’s how innocent I am……..I, of course looked ONLY at the ugly cat. But not knowing what is good for me after reading the later comments I foolishly went back to look again and was assaulted by the dangly. *wince*
    I’m off now to research airfare to Austria, and start collecting my gold bullion and any other precious metals I may have forgotten I have. I’ve got it hidden ALL over the house, similar to how one would hide loose diamonds in an old thermos.

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  15. GirdenGarl..........I WISH!....I did, however, just inherit service for 12 of some loverly china from my elderly MIL. Oh joy. says:

    Now see that’s how innocent I am……..I, of course looked ONLY at the ugly cat. But not knowing what is good for me after reading the later comments I foolishly went back to look again and was assaulted by the dangly. *wince*
    I’m off now to research airfare to Austria, and start collecting my gold bullion and any other precious metals I may have forgotten I have. I’ve got it hidden ALL over the house, similar to how one would hide loose diamonds in an old thermos.

    Like

  16. GirdenGarl..........I WISH!....I did, however, just inherit service for 12 of some loverly china from my elderly MIL. Oh joy. says:

    Now see that’s how innocent I am……..I, of course looked ONLY at the ugly cat. But not knowing what is good for me after reading the later comments I foolishly went back to look again and was assaulted by the dangly. *wince*
    I’m off now to research airfare to Austria, and start collecting my gold bullion and any other precious metals I may have forgotten I have. I’ve got it hidden ALL over the house, similar to how one would hide loose diamonds in an old thermos.

    Like

  17. NEWS FLASH: STOP THE PARTY:
    SNORTING COFFEE THROUGH YOUR NOSE DECREASES BAD BAD BACTERIAL GUYS. I’m sure that’s what this means:
    From Medscape Medical News
    Hot Tea and Coffee May Lower MRSA Risk
    Pauline Anderson
    “July 12, 2011 — New research shows that people who drink hot tea or coffee are about half as likely to have methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) in their nasal passages as those who abstain, raising the prospect of a safe, inexpensive, and easily accessible way to decrease MRSA.”
    Seriously!

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  18. Wait! Kitty picture? When I clicked on Matze-pie’s link it was a hairy guy in a florescent green mankini. I’m not talking about that kitty with the interesting foreground. The interesting foreground was funny. The mankini may give me nightmares.

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  19. Thanks, PJ. I’ll be snorting the hot tea or coffee pronto.

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  20. Pamela, I am sorry. I wish you and your son well.
    Pal, I hate fights and people who don’t appreciate how wonderful I am. I feel for you.
    Sadie, Can’t be in Atlanta, either, so I guess I’ll just go sit in my car in the garage this evening. Sigh. It did cool off a lot, though. It feels like Michigan out there so I’ll just pretend.
    And so many more people and comments to acknowledge but I’d be a blog hog if I did.
    Conch! ha ha ha ha ha

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  21. Paula, you already have friends in high places, at least you will once the partays are under way.
    Hopefully, Hulk will take Anita’s suggestion and give us some Palooza on the face. I will try to do the same, but my photo skills make June look like Andrew Wyeth. Maybe Sadie or Beverly can do better…OR THE BARTENDER!

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  22. Paula, you already have friends in high places, at least you will once the partays are under way.
    Hopefully, Hulk will take Anita’s suggestion and give us some Palooza on the face. I will try to do the same, but my photo skills make June look like Andrew Wyeth. Maybe Sadie or Beverly can do better…OR THE BARTENDER!

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  23. Paula, you already have friends in high places, at least you will once the partays are under way.
    Hopefully, Hulk will take Anita’s suggestion and give us some Palooza on the face. I will try to do the same, but my photo skills make June look like Andrew Wyeth. Maybe Sadie or Beverly can do better…OR THE BARTENDER!

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  24. Pamela, SS#@, happy belated birthday- if the Cheesecake Factory that you went to is in Cherry Hill, we must meet sometime.
    Happy birthday, June! Hope you all enjoy Hulkapalooza- sounds like fun! I frequent a knitting site that has buttons for the comments and one of the buttons is labeled “funny”; I often wish for that button here because sometimes I just laugh so hard at a comment.
    Matze- if you’re ever near Philadelphia, you can party with me- we could talk about food all night!

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  25. pal from ma and linda and all the others who didn’t see the teenis in the picture crack me up because it is exactly what happened to me when someone showed me the picture.
    oj, terrible! ouch! but…should we tell this story to pal from ma who just had a fight with mr.pal? hmmm
    susie b, glad you found it 😛
    girl of the garden,other precious metals? like…uranium? not sure if you can fly with that. china is good, just difficult to wear as a necklace but i like nice china,pictures? 😛
    hulk’s vacuum puked? did it click one of my links?
    angie,more people do that? oy…here is another link to the same picture,maybe that’ll work, no idea why it says big in the link…
    http://www.huntic.de/relaunch/images/cat_dick_big.jpg
    suzanne, food party! yay! sounds good :)also, i love NJ since the sopranos are one of my favourite series cannoli,manicotti…mmmh
    going to take some more pictures of my conch cat now and then to bed, see ya all on june’s birthday, get your party thongs out!

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  26. sorry,the puking vacuum thing is still on my mind.
    hulk,you used the vacuum only for cleaning,right? i mean,you didn’t use it in an act of self pleasure? there’s nothing wrong with that i guess,as long as the vacuum is not underage. ohhh, and take off the flowbee first!
    maybe take the vacuum out for dinner some time?what’s her name? suckerella?

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  27. Carp and that damned commment verification thing that I didn’t notice pop up, so my comment has been sitting in outer space all day long. And why is it sometimes I get that dang verification thing and sometimes I don’t!? If someone can answer me that I will send you a box of Mac N Cheese too and maybe you will open yours 😉
    Marzipants you are slaying me today.
    Hugs to Pamela and Pal.
    Hulk cleaning two toilets just might make him the perfect man after all.
    OJ a bookmark thong is a long skinny bookmark made with tiny beads and you lay it in the spine or crack of your open page. Kinda like a thong lays…anyways…you get the picture. I have a picture of one I made on my blog – link below.

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  28. Mrs. Oh, the comment verification thing only shows up on days when you are extra hilarious.
    I have not seen it in a while.
    MATZE! That conch cat-essa reminded me of something else wacko.

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  29. Mrs. Oh, the comment verification thing only shows up on days when you are extra hilarious.
    I have not seen it in a while.
    MATZE! That conch cat-essa reminded me of something else wacko.

    Like

  30. Mrs. Oh, the comment verification thing only shows up on days when you are extra hilarious.
    I have not seen it in a while.
    MATZE! That conch cat-essa reminded me of something else wacko.

    Like

  31. Pie on the Face
    Pie on the Face
    Lookin’ like a fool with you Pie on the Face
    Gold in your mouth
    Hat turned sideways, Pie on the Face
    Call yourself a cool cat looking like mace
    Walking down town with Pie on the Face
    get it up!!
    HEY! got your Pie on the Face
    lookin like mace, walkin talking
    with you Pie on the Face!!!

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  32. Oh gosh, I just got home from grocery shopping. Why do people insist on making this a family event?? Screaming kids were everywhere!
    Okay, So are we having Pie on the Face for real? Should I send Hulk my cell? I will check back in a few. I’ve got to get back to watching Scarface.

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  33. I could not “Like” the Face page, but was able to send a request to join. On pins and needles that I get accepted. And also hoping there’s no hazing.

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  34. Paula, you are one witty lady.
    What does one pack for a Palooza?
    THE CAMERA IS IN MY PURSE WITH A FULLY CHARGED BATTERY.

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  35. Omg Duffylou! Before you leave, join the new page!

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  36. I just got to my mothers house, as I stopped in Ann Arbor to see an ex, which I will blog at you about tomorrow, and I love the pie face site. I had to leave the group cause I am being anonymous but tomorrow Talu will join. God I am exhausted.
    Sent from my i hate everything phone

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  37. An ex BOYFRIEND. geez. And will someone invite Tallulah to join pie face pie pie whatev? She cannot find it with her iPhone.
    Sent from my i hate everything phone

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  38. Ms. June, Happy Birthday and please have a wonderful time at home at the Hulkabration…or whatever it is Hulk is hosting. Visiting exs is always fun cause recycling is in right now. Safe travels back cause I hate 12 hour car trips but they are necessary now that airplane tickets are so expensive!
    Pamela and Pal, I hope both of you have a better day tomorrow. You both deserve it.
    Also, thank you to whomever added me to the Pie in the Face group. I love looking at everyone’s pets. It makes me smile.
    Amish Annie, can Nebraska people come to the June type gathering? I haven’t lurked for long but you all seem so lovely, funny, and smart.

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  39. Ohemgee. This Friends of the Pie thing is addicting. Who knew anyone would ever be interested in seeing pictures of my pets? Usually when I mention them people get this vague look in their eye…

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