Blogger with Benefits

I am sorry to tell you that I will not be addressing the topic of glasses frames today, and I know you are sad. But I heard you and LEOPARD IT IS!

Okay. Kidding. I just heard 4027838492 people go, "NOOOOOOO!"

Last night I went with my friend Laura and Mary-Tyler-Moore date Dick Whitman to see Friends with Benefits.

Remember on Mary Tyler Moore? How she'd go on dates with good-looking men and they'd drop her off at the door and you never really got to know them? That is kind of all y'all and Dick Whitman. I just throw his name out there and show you an elusive picture and that's all you get.

Dw Lest you think D. Whitman is whipping something up at the stove, you should know he is as into cooking as I am. I was basically forcing him to make hummingbird food because his feeder was empty.

Dick Whitman has a really cool house and I have informed him I am moving in. I think when you have known someone seven weeks, and you are married to someone else, and when that someone you are moving in with is deathly allergic to pets, that there is no other next right step than to gather your things and your 60 pets and move right in. But if you saw that cool house you would make no sense, either.

Porch
Here is a blurry shot of Dick Whitman's porch. Note the spilled hummingbird food.

Anyway, Friends with Benefits was funny, of course, and for those of you who have seen it, my friend Dave says "Strictly dickly" all the time, so I know for sure that is his line. Also, is there any way I could get Mila Kunis' body yet continue my torrid affair with Chik-Fil-A? Please advise.

That is all I have to tell you, except that Tallulah has not had a bath since January because Marvin used to lift her into the tub, and I know I could probably do it if I had to, but I have had this fear I would drop her and break all of her legs. However, she is sitting next to me right now:

Luis
And decaying bodies in rainforests smell better. I really need to address this issue today. Look at her giant ET back foot. I love Talu. {News flash.}

Don't forget that a week from today we will be meeting here for book clurb. Clurb. What the hell is wrong with me. We will be discussing Three Dog Life. Click Mince Words with June for the deets. Who is annoying? Deets.

Clurb.

Carp.

 

 

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

96 thoughts on “Blogger with Benefits”

  1. ***Unsolicited advice warning***
    It is 110 degrees outside. Take some warm water from the house, mix it with some cold water from the hose in a bucket. Start to lather her up. Gradually work to colder water until you’re just working with hose water. Ta da! Bath is over. It would be different if it was only 70, but it’s 98 in the shade.
    Oh, glad you had fun on your date. Score! for vagina goalie Laura.

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  2. Can I be the first to notice Dick Whitman wears glasses? At least, while making hummingbird food. Maybe that’s the only time he wears them, because you know, hummingbirds are small, and so must their food be. (Bah!)
    I was going to suggest that you teach Talu and Edsel how to jump into the bathtub (like I did with mine, thank gawd) but then I remembered…it’s Talu and Edsel. Never mind. Good luck on the bath thing!

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  3. I like me a man who does mysterious things at the stove. Very nice back. And we know his arms are wonderful.
    Can we see his legs next time?
    This is like connect-the-Dick.

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  4. I second Duffylou’s advice. But don’t let Lu run in the dirt while she’s still wet or you will have to do over. Just bathed two puppies (4 lbs and 8 lbs) in a deep sink, it almost felt like a luxury. 50 lbs warrants a driveway bath. I need to do that, ACK.
    Dick’s house does look cool, and his back is hot.
    Strickly Dickly. Sounds like a good time.
    Wait. He eats hummingbird food?

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  5. He does have a nice back. And house.
    And now I must go find my glasses, which I placed somewhere yesterday after I put on my contacts and now I can’t find them. And I’m blind. And I don’t want to wear my contacts today. It’s hard to look for your glasses when you’re blind. This is making me crabby.

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  6. From the back, Dick looks very young. Is June a cougar?
    And I bathed my dog once in the tub, but one $150 plumber bill later, unclogging the drain of all the hair, it is now the hose in the backyard.

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  7. Dick Whitman is five years older than me. But he looks really good. He looks better than most of the people I dated in my 20s.
    Sent from my i hate everything phone

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  8. Did you use Instagram on the photo of Mr. Whitman? If so, I am impressed with your skills!
    And thank you, Target Steve, for the definition of net minder but some of us girls on here know what that means already.

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  9. Good Lord, June…bathe Talu outside with a water hose. A little cold water never hurt anybody. Trust me. I’m a retired professional veterinary technician. I know things.
    ps…that Dick Whitman is H.O.T. from the back. Hello Dick Whitman’s mom!

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  10. I could never lift my dog into the tub. I tried a couple of times and she stuck her legs out and braced them on.. SOMETHING. I don’t know. But I couldn’t get her in the tub. Now if she needs a bath (actually that particular dog is dead but I’m not repeating the experiment because my back hates me. However current dog still needs occasional bathing) I take her to the vet and I pick her up later in the day. Totally worth it.
    The washed my cat for me on Friday and when I see my skin, mostly intact, I think that is one of the best $40 I’ve spent.
    I’m going to go watch Friends With Benefits now. Wish me luck that I don’t fall asleep in the theater.

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  11. Backyard bath. The water in the hose will still be warm for a bit, which will ease her into it. No, you don’t need a container, just have her stand in one place, preferably on the grass. Like washing a car. Hummingbirds in the ‘hood thank you. Did you note any of YOUR jokes in the movie? Is there pending litigation?

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  12. I choose my dogs with convenience in mind. Never had a dog over 12 lbs. But my friends with big dogs use the hose method all the time.
    Can you tell us random facts about Dick?

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  13. I choose my dogs with convenience in mind. Never had a dog over 12 lbs. But my friends with big dogs use the hose method all the time.
    Can you tell us random facts about Dick?

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  14. I choose my dogs with convenience in mind. Never had a dog over 12 lbs. But my friends with big dogs use the hose method all the time.
    Can you tell us random facts about Dick?

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  15. Yes, hose and warm water in a dishpan is our solution, as well. I put a choke-style collar on Polly and a leash so I can stand on the leash. Polly is actually quite infatuated with the hose, which makes it easier. This bat method is used when she rolls in something. She gets a bath at the kennel if she has been there for a stay.

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  16. Dog groomers are da bomb in my book…
    DW’s kitchen is nice – I bet he did all the work himself…
    I would just love to kiss your Talu right on the top of the head – she looks so stinkin’ (no pun intended) cute. Her expression says to me that think she is totally aware of her lovely (?) distinctive odors and that said odoriferous-ness is quite endearing to her alpha…

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  17. The larger table on the cool porch looks like it could be set up for a nice cozy, candlelit take-out dinner.
    I don’t see the spilled hummingbird feed, is that the stuff in the white bowls? Because that looks like fruit to me.

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  18. I took my husband on a date to see FWB yesterday and sprung for good food at the fabulous movie theater, because I had received a gift card from a client of mine. Woot!
    The movie was really good. And didn’t you think the chemistry between MK and JT was real?
    You are right June. Her body was so smoking hot and they had her in the cutest outfits that really played to her strengths. Especially that one criss-crossy looking skirt. Wasn’t it gorgeous?

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  19. I am so behind in bye bye land. Work work work and partying with said work people. I need to go to work just to get some work.

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  20. I’m baaaack! I had taken a BBP hiatus while I switched careers and traveled, etc. But Juice re-sparked my interest in all things June, so I pulled one of those stunts you mentioned–wherein I back-read until I was all caught up. The point of this story is just to tell you that other than reading David Sedaris, no one makes me laugh out loud like you do! I didn’t realize how much I had missed you. xx p.s. Blue. Duh. And now, every time I see Anderson Cooper or watch an episode of Mad Men, I’ll be reminded of you and the wee felines! >^..^<

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  21. If Hubby and I can take a shower on a dock at Lake Burton with freezing cold water, Tulu will do fine with the water hose, after all she does have on a fur coat. It’s almost 100 degrees I think she will enjoy the cool water. Have you considered asking Marvin to bath her for you?

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  22. Hi June,
    I am your loyal lurker friend Cathy from Colorado. K um I never comment on your blog cause I have 75 children and I never have a spare brain cell to write a coherant comment. Need a favor if you are in good with the FB people who approve friends, put in a good word for me as they have not friended me and I am getting desperate.
    Thanks —love this blog Cathy K from Colorado

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  23. 1. Talu is a gorgeous girl.
    C. DW’s back is smexy. (Smokin hot and sexy = smexy).
    ii. Leash her. Wet her with the hose. Run a line of shampoo down her back. Lather. Rinse. Then she will run around like a crazy person and undo all of your hard work. Done.

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  24. One of our neighbors has a mobile groomer who comes to the house to bathe her dogs right in the van 🙂

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  25. I missed me BBP the last few days while out of town…with no internet or smarty phone. Like the olden days. Glad to be back and a little caught up – and seeing not only DW’s back but also the lovely Talu. Now to try and get caught up at Pie on the Face – god help me.

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  26. Yes, what Cathy from Colorado said. I’ve requested 3 times now to join FB PIE and nada. I know I don’t comment but heck guys, I KNOW you. I’ve been reading FORever. I will take a BBP trivia quiz if that will get me in the FB Pie!! Also, on the hose bath thingy…make sure the hose doesnt have water in it that has been lying in the sun, cause that will seriously burn poor Talu. Yeeouch! Know from experience.

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  27. Oh, YAY Letha! Just saw my approval on the FB PIE! You are the bomb! (next to June!) I didn’t even have to take a quiz!

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  28. I want to take a BBP trivia quiz, too! I’ve been busy reading OLD OLD archives (finally) and I am just FULL OF IT.
    Of BBP trivia, I mean, dammit.

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  29. I am sad that I didn’t get to comment on Dick’s back first but I think I asked for a backSIDE photo. The lower part.
    I haven’t read that book yet but has anyone here read Hunger Games?
    I thought it was a diet book. I was wrong.
    Anyway.
    We went to see FWB last night but it was sold out so we saw Horrible Bosses which was fantastic.
    Made me nervous since I am certain some of my employees dream of offing me.
    We have one of those big, round plastic tubs with the rope handles to bathe the hounds. And a hose. We also fill a kiddie pool every morning so they can frolic in it.

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  30. Siren, I nominate you to CREATE the trivia quiz…I’m sure Beth would be glad to collaborate.
    Because you are FULLOFIT.

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  31. Siren, I could probably do a trivia quiz on your blog too. Not to be creepystalkerton or anything but I totally read thru your archives a couple months ago. What can I say, I have a fulltime job, I’m on call a lot and I am taking classes online. I have a few months of no classes and I surf the net with my free time. Sue me! My free time will come to an end in just a few short weeks when classes start up again.

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  32. I read the Hunger Games series and really liked it, first book was the best though. Read it, you will enjoy!

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  33. I was just rereading 2007, but I haven’t gotten that far yet. You were just describing your deodorant as smelling like a baby doll- Baby Alive. I snorted my tea.

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  34. June, you named them before they had even hatched. One was Omelet and one was Benedict and one was Shelly and I forget if there was another one. Because I’m past that point in the archives. Right now in my reading you’re living in the middle of nowhere, North Carolina, walking up hills full of snakes.

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  35. I think the baby birds were named Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, and Bruce. No?
    I also asked for a butt shot of Dick Whitman (hi, D.W.’s mom!). However, I must say he has a hot back.
    Around here there are a lot of dog washing places that are not too expensive. One of them, you take your dog there, they will lift your dog into the tub for you, you wash and rinse, and they lift the dog back out of the tub. You no have places like dis?
    Talu is also “smexy.” (In this case, smelly + sexy.)

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  36. June, when was the last time you made a tinkle?
    What? That was less personal a question than why you need a vagina goalie.

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  37. Dear June,
    You make my humingbird necter boil. I’m thinking we should get sudsy together. Whip up some foamy goodness. Lather us together, silly. Gracious sakes… then dry off with fluffy towels….
    Lovingly,
    Dick

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  38. Dear June,
    You make my humingbird necter boil. I’m thinking we should get sudsy together. Whip up some foamy goodness. Lather us together, silly. Gracious sakes… then dry off with fluffy towels….
    Lovingly,
    Dick

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  39. Dear June,
    You make my humingbird necter boil. I’m thinking we should get sudsy together. Whip up some foamy goodness. Lather us together, silly. Gracious sakes… then dry off with fluffy towels….
    Lovingly,
    Dick

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  40. Amish Annie, the last question reminded me of a 1970's short lived drama called James At 15, starring Lance Kerwin. You do allow dorks on the bus, don't you? says:

    Okay, I have been Facebook phobic. But I didn’t want to be left off the Cooter bus. So after thinking about it and wringing my hands and driving my kids crazy with questions about it, I jumped in and got The Face. Just so I could hop on the bus. But then I got all excited and did The Face for my work. And then I got even more excited and started a blog on my work website. All within the last few days. All because I didn’t want to be left off that damn Cooter bus. What am I? 13 again?

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  41. Thanks for clarifying, Letha. Because I was worried maybe you were alluding to some really awkward vehicular climax or something.

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  42. Cathy from Colorado here,
    Hi Anita (((waving))) still not in?????? I really think I requested correctly twice????? I feel like I am a teenager waiting for the phone to ring,,,,,,
    HELP need my BYE BYE PIE FB FIX!

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  43. Did you have any luck with bathing Talu? If she’s tall enough, you can just lift her front legs in first then maneuver her back ones in. No lifting. I have to do my sharpei that way. Or you can pick her up, get in the tub with her, and set her down gently. I’ve had to do both with my stubborn hidey dogs.

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  44. Not to bust Dick Whitman or anything but does he have saggy elbow skin? Cause it totally looks like it in that pic.

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  45. Cathy from CO here,,,,,,,,thanks I sent another request and I had my 19 year old FB literate daughter witness this LOL! Fingers crossed 🙂

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