From the Queen of England to the recluse of hell.

The other day at work a brown recluse crawled into my coworker Vilhelm Oyster's cubicle. We work on the ground floor of a very old warehouse building. I shudder to think of what else is lurking down there.

Vilhelm murdered said spider, because he is manly that way, and then put it under a jeweler's loop he just happened to have, because apparently Vilhelm is busy splitting diamonds on his down time or something. At any rate, then he Googled the spider and convinced us all it was a brown recluse.

Marvin used to always insist that any spider that wasn't black was a brown recluse, causing me to point out that they certainly weren't very reclusive considering how often they showed up in our lives.

Anyway, Vilhelm kept talking about the recluses who are brown, and talking about them, and how if they bite you your skin falls clean off, until someone said:

"LOOK AT JUNE!"

I was totally curled up in my chair, editing something in a fetal position. No way was I touching that spider-ridden floor.

Anyway, the fumigator came yesterday and told us we were all berserk and it was just a regular spider.

This has not stopped Vilhelm from sneaking up behind me like a JERK and TICKLING me just a little so I think there are spiders all over me. And guess what. Guess who reacts EXACTLY as he wants me to, which is to SCREECH and JUMP UP and BRUSH OFF MY SKIN, which is about to fall clean off.

Stupid Vilhelm. I'll tell you who'll be reclusive. Vilhelm Oyster after I pound the pee out of him.

I really have no other news except that my iPod played good songs while I was walking the dogs today and Ima share them all with you. So you can jam out at work and get fired.

WalkyThe dogs, our field, my iPod cord and their poop bag holder.

That picture caption made me think of The Cook The Thief His Wife and Her Lover. If you haven't seen that movie, don't. Trust me.

Okay, here's what I got to hear today.

 

My song!!! Hi, mom. Hi, Gloria Steinem. Can't help it. Love this song. Also? This video is kind of upsetting. FYI.

If that weren't enough, I got to hear Chaka. Love her. Love Prince, who wrote this.

 

Then The Cure came on, and I love this song. I feel all emo and meaningful when I listen to the Cure. And no, I could NOT find a video to go with this. It made me emo.

 

Ever since I read Keith Richards' autobiography I have put more Rolling Stones on my iPod:

 

As if my iPod day could get better. And yet it did! IT DID!

 

Coolest song ever. Coolest band ever. And I adore this video. It's like having a fever.

Everyone knows about it. From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell. I LOVE HIM. Why doesn't he call me? Because I need to date another person who's in a band. Do you think he'd keep guitars under the bed?

So that was pretty much the highlight of my day. Good iPod songs. I mean, it could have been worse. The highlight could have been "I finally stopped barfing" or "The train only ran over part of my leg."  Or I could have been Sting.

Don't forget to finish A Three Dog Life, as we are meeting for book club on Sunday night. The first person who leaves a comment saying, "I'm here but I didn't read the book" gets a brown recluse from me.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

136 thoughts on “From the Queen of England to the recluse of hell.”

  1. Anita finds all the exciting stuff lately! The Bieber perfume/secretion yesterday and today the baby fetish…
    Anita, i think they get a kick when someone else changes their diapers. And the worst Bieber product? Girl’s underwear!!
    Duffy, I was into many Punk bands when i was in school, a short list:
    Lagwagon,Die Ärzte,MxPx,Good Riddance, The Ataris,NOFX,Rancid,Dead Kennedys, Bad Religion,Pennywise, Dropkick Murphys,Misfits, Green Day,Mad Caddies,Propagandhi,Millencolin, No Use for a Name,Pixies, The Ramones,The Donots
    I still listen to some punk (not all really clean punk) bands like:
    The Clash,The Libertines!!,The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Pixies and Me First ( because they are funny party music) , and because you said ska, I love Cat Empire. My taste has changed a little though, now i like mostly indie and alternative stuff…
    For example two completely different songs i love:


    and


    (mgmt is more electropop/rock)

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  2. Only two bands not on my rotation list. Frankly never heard of so I will be doing that. Also, MGMT is too pop-ish for my taste but you are young. But I also have Kesha and flavor name of the week Diddy Dirty Money. (I did find ballads and that was one of them.)
    Ok, I’m done now. Thanks for the tip on the two unknowns to me.

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  3. Any spider big enough to see is a spider that should be killed. Or that should just fall over dead so I don’t have to go near it. I don’t care if it can write love letters.
    We have Hobo spiders here, which are about the size of a half dollar and poisonous like the Recluse (flesh-eating venom) except they are AGGRESSIVE. Like, they will go AFTER you. We have to have our house and yard sprayed four times a year or they will INFEST THE PLACE. Ugh.

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  4. I guess I’m odd in that I don’t care for blood, guts, monsters or violence. Plenty of such in the real world. Certainly don’t need to make that my source of entertainment.

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  5. She even wore diapers? Like as in no physical reason to have to wear them other than FREAK? Um…yuck?
    I know people have fetishes. Like silver Dr. Scholl sandals and such. But can you say, eeewww?
    Good luck on that home run record, Hulkie!

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  6. Boy my iPod is boring next to yours – it’s all Glee and some Donny Osmond thrown in for a twist. No I actually do have some other stuff but nothing far ranging from the aforementioned.
    And Hulk, I giggled at the joke, even though it was politically incorrect.
    PS – trying to post again as the first time the webpage gave me an error that said “We cannot accept this data” – WTF?

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  7. If you cross the x’s and spread the y’s, she not only loves living as a baby, but is in the process of transgendering from a male. I know he has started the drug treatment, but don’t know if he has had or plans on any surgeries. Wears the diapers not just at home.

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  8. Ooooohhhhh! I wanna writing spider!!! I love them now!
    I’ve never seen one…Do they live in MA???
    I read a bunch of stuff about them already and it appears that the younger spiders are more meticulous with the web, making an “X” in the middle and then the zig zags out from that (fascinating to me!). The older they get, the less they care about it being perfect!
    This is the best thing I’ve learned in a long time!
    Thanks, Furry!
    I actually have a baby spider of some sort that built a pretty web right next to our back door (it’s inside the house). I fed it a squished fly yesterday.
    I’m whack. What can I say? I love the little natures in all forms except the bitey, flesh-dissolving ones and fleas and ticks. I don’t get the purpose of fleas and ticks.

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  9. Was that the show “My Strange Addiction”? I have seen a grown man who thinks he is married to one of those lifesized, anatomically correct dolls and a woman who ate what looked like Ajax cleanser, as if it were the powder in a Pixi-Stik.
    Sometimes I feel awkwardly normal.

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  10. Well, Anita, they didn’t SHOW it, but I had a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and that doll looked none too happy.

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  11. I watched part of that movie and was very sorry to have done so.
    God, do I hate spiders and all creepy-crawlies. I found a black widow in my art studio a few years ago. Major freak-out. OK, MUST stop thinking about bugs now.
    I was going to correct “loupe” but someone else here beat me to it. I’m pedantic that way, too.
    In Costa Rica, such a lovely place to vacation, they have the hugest f-ing spiders everywhere. Lovely flowers in the gardens, lovely trees in the gardens…INFESTED with these shiny, enormous, horrifying spiders. OK, apparently I am unable to stop thinking about f-ing bugs after all.
    I made what is probably a prudent decision for myself: not to listen to any of the songs in this post.

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  12. *I guess I’m odd in that I don’t care for blood, guts, monsters or violence. Plenty of such in the real world. Certainly don’t need to make that my source of entertainment.*
    Laurie, if you’re odd, then I’m right there with you because that is NOT my idea of entertainment. And, Unruly, I didn’t listen to any of the songs either. Sorry, June.

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  13. You know what you all should do with the biting spiders? Bite them back!
    Not sure what to do with Unruly’s fucking spiders…you’ll figure something out.
    Anita, what do you think the guy has this doll for? I’m pretty sure he does not play tea party with it…
    The diaper fetish is by far not the worst one

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  14. We get those cool handwriting spiders here, too. I had no idea that’s what they were called. Spiders don’t freak me out. I’ve even been bitten by one before – it made me verrrryyy sleepy, but my skin remained intact. Yay.
    Not to be a Debbie Downer about the shingles vaccine, but please be aware, it is a live virus vaccine. If you have a compromised immune system especially from chemo, check with your doctor first!! Don’t just show up at the pharmacy and roll up your sleeve.
    I have not seen the movie y’all are talking about, not have I heard most of the music. One commenter up there mentioned she walked out of the theater. THAT would be an awesome Pieces of Wednesday: What movie(s) have you walked out on? Let’s give it a go next week, shall we?

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  15. Count me in with Unruly & Sadie. The rest of the videos after the first one may not be as violent, but based on the title I didn’t want to watch it and never gave the rest a chance. I didn’t recognize any of the songs June or anyone else in the comments mentioned, so call me old and fuddy-duddy-ish.
    I’ma also with Unruly in wanting kitten pictures, they grow so quickly I probably won’t recognize either of them now.

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  16. I was just hoping he was pretending and not actually doing. Did he say why? Was he hideous? What was his reason? Ick, creeps me out. He is right along the women who pretend their dolls are real babies. Double ick.

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  17. I love Jack White. He’s single now and lives just up the road in Nashville. Hmmmm.
    And I remember when that Prodigy song first came out, all of the parent groups were all in an uproar. I don’t get too upset by songs and things like that, but I understand if others do. It seems like the BBP’ers are all pretty healthy with their I don’t like it so I don’t listen selves. I like the folks here. They’re an open minded bunch. I’m not sure if I’ve seen that movie. I have the attention span of a gnat, so probably not.

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  18. I, too, have to count myself among those who do not enjoy the music that includes profanity, violence and the like. I’m very naive in my musical tastes – very show tuney and Elvis and even a bit of Barry Manilow now and then. I just don’t get the rest. At all. And it disturbs me that kids listen to this stuff. I really do think they’ve crossed every single line of decency and now they’re just going for pure shock value. Call me a old.

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  19. Just FYI, Google and Wikipedia don’t know a HANDwriting spider, I think the are just writing spiders.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Argiope_%28spider%29
    Maybe spiders are so politically correct that they don’t want to differntiate between handwriting, typewriting and faxing spiders or maybe their hands are just full with egg sacs and they let the ladybug secretaries do the writing, who knows.

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  20. And I see Anita shut down the comments with scab picker chick.
    If y’all really want to get creeped out, Discovery Fit and Health has Hump Night on Wednesdays. They have the freakiest sex stuff on for regular cable. There was a show on about men and their life size doll mates. There is a man working from a garage in the country, on a prototype movable partner. When “she” is perfected it is hoped she will be able to mimic the movements of a real woman during intercourse.
    Good lord. The comments do snake around don’t they?

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  21. We do our best to you make you proud June.
    But I guess I did zip up everyone Duffy. Not a peep for 2 hours. That must be a record.

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  22. Oh, I forgot. Hi Dick Whitman’s mom!

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  23. Ok, so I sort of felt up-to-date. I just watched the HBO documentary on Diane Schuler. (Bloop do bloo bloo boop bah.)
    Now I have to find these shows with adults wearing baby diapers and/or having sex with balloon people? Gah.

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  24. Hi SADIE : ) We’re visiting my parents in western new york. Little town, but luckily they do have wireless internet so I can keep up with the Pie. : ) I need the break from the deafening roar of *absolutely nothing happening here*…it’s like Groundhog Day. Every day is just like the one before it. But my parents are sweet.
    I was happy to see that other pie people didn’t click on the music either. I have to be careful of what I let into my brain. Tomorrow let’s talk about unicorns, rainbows and skittles, okay?

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  25. Hulk did NOT hit his history-making HR tonight, but he did go 4-4 in a 17-7 win. And he re-injured his calf…
    But it’s all about the team…

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  26. Hulk did NOT hit his history-making HR tonight, but he did go 4-4 in a 17-7 win. And he re-injured his calf…
    But it’s all about the team…

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  27. Hulk did NOT hit his history-making HR tonight, but he did go 4-4 in a 17-7 win. And he re-injured his calf…
    But it’s all about the team…

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  28. Oh sorry about your calf Hulk. And woo! for the numbers. I think. I’m not sure what they mean but you seem pleased.
    Also I heard in Australia that people haven’t died of spider bites there for a couple of decades but a lot of car crashes are caused by people flailing as they drive. I can so imagine that happening to me.
    Also the dolls are called real dolls. There’s a documentary about them here:

    but it’s actually really sad. They’re all isolated men that have proper relationships with them (as well as sex) and have properly bonded with their dolls.

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