Flambe

My mother gave me a new coffee pot and it beeps when the coffee is ready and now every morning I panic, thinking something's about to blow up. "What IS that?" I scream inwardly.

Won't you join me in my brain? It's relaxing.

In other less explosive news, Marvin came over yesterday to get the mortgage check, and it occurs to me as I write this that we have an incredibly inefficient manner of paying the mortgage. For some reason I write a check to him and then he sends the payment in with his OWN check, and I cannot even remember why it's this way and anyway we've now done this five months in a row and I like how it is just now occurring to me that this is stupid.

Won't you join me in my brain? It's organized.

The point is, when he came over he had one of those kind of paper bands around his wrist. "Were you in the hospital this weekend?" I queried. Who knows? Maybe the bomb in my house had gone over to his apartment or something.

"No, I was at an outdoor concert all weekend!" he said, like it was fun. You've no idea how much I do not miss being pressured to do things like stand outside all weekend with vomiting LSD-laden people listening to bands I've never heard of like My Dead Unicorn or Feel My Boil or whatever.

Marvin told me that he was standing there enjoying his blueberry hard cider–and let's talk. If Marvin is gonna be single he really has to up his game, here. It was bad enough when he drank these feminine drinks around me. Remember when we went out with that other couple to a tavern, and the other husband ordered a dark beer and Marvin got a cosmopolitan and a rice pudding?

Who's gonna hump a man who drinks blueberry hard cider? And Marvin, please do not answer that. I do not want to know.

At any rate, there he was, drinking from a teacup and saucer, with his quill pen and neckerchief, when some young kid came up to him.

"DUDE! I sure am hungry! You got any blasagna?" he pronounced it blaze-onya.

"Um," said Marvin.

"Or cherries FLAMBE? How 'bout cherries FLAMBE?"

It finally dawned on cool, street Marvin that this kid was trying to buy drugs, and I can see why you'd walk over to the middle-aged guy with rosy cheeks and a drink umbrella.

"You wanna know where to get set up with the blueberry hard cider? I'm your man. Otherwise, you are out of luck," said Marv.

Blasagna. Now I need to know what that is. Are there any drug addicts reading who can tell me?

I guess that is all I have to tell you, other than I found this photo yesterday and I continue to heart me.

Lifeodepartay
You know what I don't miss? Other than wearing white bras under black sweaters? Are the stripes in that dining room. Thank heavens I painted it. And when I say "I" I mean mostly Peg.

Okay, going to work. Talk amongst yourselves.

231 thoughts on “Flambe

  1. Amish Annie, it sounds worse than it was really, so much of it is comical but I had reached the end of my rope that day with her says:

    Oh my gosh Sadie, EXACTLY Marie Barone, exactly! Just last week she was folding the clothes out of the dryer, came to my *ahem* panties and asked if they were mine because they looked awfully small. Now she KNOWS those are mine; she’s folded them a hundred times! Then she told me my dog has fleas. I said “THE DOG DOES NOT HAVE FLEAS, she was just at the vet yesterday.” Marie Barone responds, “Oh. Well, I thought I saw one.” Then as she’s leaving, she said she was going to give our daughter, who is leaving for grad school on the east coast, some cash for a trip there this weekend but maybe she doesn’t need money. Maybe her boyfriend’s parents gave her some money, more than enough to get her by. WTF??? My kid hardly knows her boyfriend’s parents! Why would strange people give my kid money for a freaking trip to a grad school?? It was at that time that I went out to Stud Muffin and said your mom is fucking crazy and needs to leave.
    BTW, after she said that about the boyfriend’s parents, I responded, “Why the hell would they give her money?” Marie Barone shrugged her shoulders and said, “Well, I didn’t know.”

    Like

  2. You were close Dad of Cosmo. It’s called a MANGLE. During the years we did Estate sales we came across two mangles.
    One of them was still being used! Well, before Granny was sent to the Home.

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  3. When we packed up to move a month ago I took the ironing board out of the laundry room. My son, who is EIGHT YEARS OLD, said “Oh! What is that? Can I use it as a desk?”
    His wife will someday love me. It’s pretty much guaranteed that she will outshine me in every way.

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  4. In the movie Mr Roberts… Jack Lemmon starched James Cargney’s underwear… he very stiff as a character….

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  5. In the movie Mr Roberts… Jack Lemmon starched James Cargney’s underwear… he very stiff as a character….

    Like

  6. In the movie Mr Roberts… Jack Lemmon starched James Cargney’s underwear… he very stiff as a character….

    Like

  7. Sadie wonders if unironed sheets is what caused her wrinkles. You mean I have to iron my pillowcases now? says:

    AA, you are a saint to put up with Marie Barone every day. A saint, I say. Shall I call you Debra now?

    Like

  8. Sadie wonders if unironed sheets is what caused her wrinkles. You mean I have to iron my pillowcases now? says:

    AA, you are a saint to put up with Marie Barone every day. A saint, I say. Shall I call you Debra now?

    Like

  9. Sadie wonders if unironed sheets is what caused her wrinkles. You mean I have to iron my pillowcases now? says:

    AA, you are a saint to put up with Marie Barone every day. A saint, I say. Shall I call you Debra now?

    Like

  10. Yes, Sadie please, please iron the pillow cases… I have not alwayws ironed the sheets and I have wrinkles in places to show for it….

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  11. Yes, Sadie please, please iron the pillow cases… I have not alwayws ironed the sheets and I have wrinkles in places to show for it….

    Like

  12. Yes, Sadie please, please iron the pillow cases… I have not alwayws ironed the sheets and I have wrinkles in places to show for it….

    Like

  13. Wait. “Vomiting” in his cubicle? As in vomited MORE THAN ONE TIME? What is wrong with people? Vomiting is an activity that should only take place in the privacy of your own home. Once every sixteen or twenty two years. Or, preferably, never.

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  14. 1. My steamer is a Rowenta.
    2. I got suddenly sick at work one day and had to use my trash bin. I immediately felt better but I wasn’t going to spend the day with that trash bin under my desk. So I crumpled up a couple of pieces of paper and tossed them on top and then switched bins with one of the lawyers I hated when he stepped out of his office. That was the best time I was ever sick.

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  15. AA your MIL cracks me up,love the stories,please share more or write everything down and write a book some day,I would buy it! Is she the one from this story about hair and your SIL the other day or was that the grandma?
    I destroyed my iron 2 years ago by forgetting to turn it off and leaving to work, I was just glad my appartment was not burned down when I came home, I never bought a new one.I just hang up the shirts when they are wet,pull here a little, there a little and they are ok, and I use a lot of conditioner 😛
    My father’s mom, the bad grandma, used the starch stuff and she had ironed my white shirt for first communion when I was 10. The collar was so stiff and hard that by the end of the ceremony the skin on my neck was all sore and red, bad grandma…

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  16. It’s quarter to horse, sherlock 🙂
    or just 4:05 in the morning….and to leave no questions unanswered: I am still up because I worked until 1.5 hours ago….
    Are you in the BBP facebook group Sadie?

    Like

  17. JUST PAULA and LAURIE thanks for the steamer recommendations. I’ll let you know if it changes my life.
    Amish Annie…..your MIL must be a long lost twin to my MIL. I often describe her as Marie Barone to people when I have stories to share about her. Let’s see….top 3..hmmmm…when we were newly married she seated us at the kids table at thanksgiving dinner. Nice. When our daughter was 5 yrs. old she wanted her to wear one of HER DEPENDS so we wouldn’t have to worry about finding a public restroom for her. That one still bothers me. She brings leftovers home from restaurants, incorporates them into another meal then serves them to people for dinner the next night. Ickkkk. *grabbing throat and fainting away*. She laments that she regrets not giving my husband growth hormones when he was a boy. (What?????) And those aren’t even the controlling ones, just some of the crazy-beyotch ones. *sigh*

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  18. Anita-is she hot and single?
    I don’t iron because I put my shirts in the dryer for about 15 minutes, then hang them up. No wrinkles.

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  19. Anita-is she hot and single?
    I don’t iron because I put my shirts in the dryer for about 15 minutes, then hang them up. No wrinkles.

    Like

  20. Anita-is she hot and single?
    I don’t iron because I put my shirts in the dryer for about 15 minutes, then hang them up. No wrinkles.

    Like

  21. Anita-tastes just like the store-bought stuff. Except better. And warmer…

    Like

  22. Anita-tastes just like the store-bought stuff. Except better. And warmer…

    Like

  23. Anita-tastes just like the store-bought stuff. Except better. And warmer…

    Like

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