One of those annoying posts where many topics are discussed

1. Last night I was chatting with The Fireman, and I said, "I have to go. I have to pull weeds before it gets dark" and he said, "Again? You seem to…do that a lot."

I have only known the fireman a short time, and already he has noted my yard obsession. But DUDE, you go out there and get eaten to bits by mosquitoes and then you have to run inside screaming as dramatically as you can.

Being my neighbor is fun. And yes, I DO use Off. On me it doesn't work. Anyway, I was pull-pull-pulling when I looked at the front of my house and saw this:

Howmucharethosepetsinthewindow Can you see everyone? Tallulah is on the left, Edsel on our right, and Roger Dodgerhead is in front of him. I've no idea where Anderson Cooper was. Perhaps he had news to cover. BAH.

I am just saying. Am I that exciting? "let watch mom pull weedz." I mean, really? You can't hump each other or eat some kibble or chew the couch? That wouldn't be more rewarding?

2. I have spoken about my Uncle Leo many times. He married into our family in 1971, but when he and my Aunt Kathy divorced in the mid-80s, we liked him so we kept him. My Uncle Leo is ridiculous. He is the HAPPIEST person you have ever met. Nothing fazes him. In fact, he has had three brain operations in his life and says, "This is great! I get to retire! I get to see the world! Everyone should get to have three brain operations!"

He is the pinnacle of optimism.

So he, along with everyone else I am related to, went to India for that wedding I have now mentioned 994934 times, and I know you wish I'd bring it up MORE OFTEN. The point is, everyone else was back WEEKS ago, but not Uncle Leo. No. He was gonna spend a MONTH in India.

Yesterday I got an email from Aunt Kathy: "I don't know if anyone's told you that Leo is in Mt. Sinai in NYC."

That was it! That was ALL she told me! Why was Uncle Leo in the hospital? Why the hell was he in New York when he lives in Saginaw? Was it his brain? Is it something so serious he had to be, I don't know, TRANSPORTED to New York?

Seriously. What the frosting? (A commentor taught me that phrase.)

I desperately tried to get ahold of everyone on planet Earth through email, because guess who hadn't brought her iPhone with her to work? And was NO ONE online?

You know who would have been online because he is all the time? Uncle Leo.

Crap.

Turns out? He was coming back from India and decided to go to New York for a spell, because his head is a bowling ball with the three brain operations and he can do what he likes. Except, apparently, keep anything in his body, because he just started getting VIOLENTLY ill and he got so sick and so weak that he called an ambulance for himself.

Now, if I had called an ambulance it'd be no big deal. Daniel Boone said the ambulance just stops at my house several times a day on its way back from calls to see if it's needed. (Yes, I did just mention D. Boone. Hang on.) But for my UNCLE to call an ambulance, he must have been near death. And in fact he was. His potassium level was 2. Which I guess is, you know, not good.

So he's weak and feels dreadful and just wants to sleep, but they have managed to unnauseate him for the most part. They do not know precisely what is wrong yet but hello India. Hello Indian parasite.

One of my friends said, "They should check his wrists. Maybe he got an Indian burn." Everyone's a comedian.

3. I am going to Raleigh this weekend to see Daniel Boone. Oh, get your knickers out their twist.

In case you are just tuning in, Daniel Boone is someone I like like liked for three weeks, and we broke up and it got ugly.

When we broke up, I deleted all of our emails, and in three weeks' time we had emailed each other over 200 times. What Daniel Boone and I did? Was talk. Talk talk talk. We are the same PERSON, including the verbal part. And the part where we think we're hilarious. Sometimes his emails make me have to lay my head on the desk, I am laughing so hard.

After our hideous breakup, we went two days without talking and on the third day he emailed me to kind of scold me. I scolded back. We talked. And talked. And apologized. He apologized many times. And the other day I deleted our emails again because I can never FIND anything on my email, and I realized that since we broke up last month we have exchanged 500 additional emails.

Did I mention we talk?

And I am over him. I do not have a romantic interest in D. Boone. I just really dig the guy. We have fun. And because we talk everything TO DEATH, we know this is gonna be a platonic visit. Which will be, you know, interesting. See him in a new light and so forth.

And that is all I have to tell you about that.

4. The Real Housewives reunion. Riveting AS ALWAYS.

5. Maybe I'll go pull some weeds…

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

276 thoughts on “One of those annoying posts where many topics are discussed”

  1. This comment section has gone from bad to worse.
    I can’t wait for tomorrow to get away from the colon cleanse-tapeworm-sound-effects thread.
    Ack. With a side of EEEEEWWWWW!
    Y’all are grossing me out!
    (Furry’s song up there was a funny one though!)

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  2. I think linguine with clam sauce would be more tapewormy.
    Rice is definitely maggots.
    Anyone remember Maggot Brain?

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  3. Oh, look at Cosmo’s Dad, acting all on-topic and everything, trying to pretend he’s not the one who dragged out the 18-foot tapeworm to begin with.

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  4. Gross Duffylou, so the white wiggly things Linda in Co asked about are maggots?? In human POOP coming out of a human body??

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  5. OH MY GOD. You don’t think Uncle Leo got an INDIAN TAPEWORM, do you? Because the thought of some beturbaned guy tootling away on that snake charmer horn trying to get the Indian tapeworm out of Uncle Leo’s butt, like the cobra out of the basket, is going to kill me dead.

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  6. Nice try Dad of Cosmo, there’s people here with long memories going all the way back to this morning. When you brought up the tapeworm.

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  7. omygodno! I thought we were talking about accompaniment side dishes for our parasites.
    Rice certainly wouldn’t represent worms…in my eyes it would represent maggots.
    I don’t think I would ever be having this conversation.

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  8. Yeah, what Amish Annie said. Only without the sissy fainting bit.
    Duffylou, you don’t want maggots in your eyes. That’s river blindness, I think.

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  9. See, I don’t want parasites at all.
    When my youngest Dan was two, he and Andy were dropped off at the same place. A bus took Andy to preschool. Dan brought home Giardia for us all to share. The department of health kept coming back until we all tested clean.
    When I was pregnant with my daughter I had Shigella. I was in the hospital for a couple of weeks because I was losing weight. Couldn’t keep anything in or down. Fortunately, I was the only one in the family that caught this. It was determined to come from the water supply at the barn where my horse was boarded.

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  10. Oh god, I’m making vegetarian lasagna tonight.

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  11. Lasagna noodles are kind of like tapeworms that have been totally flattened, like if they’d been run over by a truck or something.
    Helpfully,
    Siren

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  12. SHUT UP Cosmo’s Dad, you started it!!!

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  13. All right, thanks for that visual SIREN.
    I am now looking away from the train wreck and going to pretend that I never read any of this.

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  14. Ever since you told us about your latest beau, The Fireman, I keep thinking about the George Strait song with the same name. Here’s a link if you want to check it out:


    The next time you in the yard pulling weeds, he may be out putting out old flames. Ha!

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  15. Well I go back to work tomorrow and so will be tardy to the BBP party from now on, but after all of this talk today I am not that sad…
    From now on when I sign on there will be 287,809 comments for me to wade through and I do have a life (not really, but gah ya’ll are gross today, funny, but gross).

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  16. guilty….. but not alone…. y’all helped, like that little girl from the Shake n Bake commercial…
    “and I helped”…
    I thought she was such a twit!

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  17. guilty….. but not alone…. y’all helped, like that little girl from the Shake n Bake commercial…
    “and I helped”…
    I thought she was such a twit!

    Like

  18. guilty….. but not alone…. y’all helped, like that little girl from the Shake n Bake commercial…
    “and I helped”…
    I thought she was such a twit!

    Like

  19. “I don’t think Uncle Leo has a tapeworm. He’s throwing up, right? That’s totally at the other end.”
    Dying. Oh, I scared the daylights out of my children while laughing at this.

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  20. Since Cosmo’s Dad is ignoring the question of how she measured her tape worm, I am assuming the story is a farce.
    And even with Siren’s gross depiction of what a lasagna noodle is, lasagna sounds delicious.

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  21. I’m so glad this isn’t one of the days that someone classy like the Nester linked to this here blog. Her readers would be super-FREAKED!

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  22. For such a gross topic, I have been laughing myself silly. Furry’s song and Paula’s tapeworm/snake charmer both killed me dead. Glad I’ve already had dinner and no noodles, rice or english muffins were on the menu.

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  23. : : GardenGirl :: :: 10 days of New York State humidity is enough for me. I'm heading back to Cali bright and early tomorrow to our scorching 100 degree temperatures and ferocious freeways. says:

    Anxious Garden Girl checking in here…..ummm..June, don’t you ever get freaked out about the whole tarot card thing? Or is it like the Ouija Board(totally had to google that to see how to spell it) when we were kids, just fun sleepover entertainment?
    And I sure am glad you (and your blog by extension) are not predictable, June. That would be MY life and blog, which is WHY I don’t have a blog. It would be a blorg. (boring blog)

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  24. : : GardenGirl :: :: 10 days of New York State humidity is enough for me. I'm heading back to Cali bright and early tomorrow to our scorching 100 degree temperatures and ferocious freeways. says:

    Anxious Garden Girl checking in here…..ummm..June, don’t you ever get freaked out about the whole tarot card thing? Or is it like the Ouija Board(totally had to google that to see how to spell it) when we were kids, just fun sleepover entertainment?
    And I sure am glad you (and your blog by extension) are not predictable, June. That would be MY life and blog, which is WHY I don’t have a blog. It would be a blorg. (boring blog)

    Like

  25. : : GardenGirl :: :: 10 days of New York State humidity is enough for me. I'm heading back to Cali bright and early tomorrow to our scorching 100 degree temperatures and ferocious freeways. says:

    Anxious Garden Girl checking in here…..ummm..June, don’t you ever get freaked out about the whole tarot card thing? Or is it like the Ouija Board(totally had to google that to see how to spell it) when we were kids, just fun sleepover entertainment?
    And I sure am glad you (and your blog by extension) are not predictable, June. That would be MY life and blog, which is WHY I don’t have a blog. It would be a blorg. (boring blog)

    Like

  26. Texas Kari, WE are classy! It’s just a different kind of classy. Maybe biological fascination classy. Or something.

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  27. You bunch of sissies. I had little shells and cheddar cheese with my brats tonight. Just a little scoop next to my big pile of green beans.

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  28. This friend of CD must be the same person who mixed Pop Rocks and coke, and who had this huge bump on her forehead,was brushing her hair, and accidentally knocks the top off of the bump and hundreds of tiny spiders crawled out,the next day she found a killer in her backseat and saw the Bloody Mary.
    Laurie, no bidet, folded, scented toiletpaper 😉 Bidets are more common in Italy and France.

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  29. Dear Duffylou Who,
    I, too, once had The Shigella. Seven days and nights of shitting my insides out. It was the single most impressive case if diarrhea that I have ever had. One swallow of water and I would expel a gallon 30 seconds later. And what didn’t come out of the downspout flew out of the intake valve. I vowed that if I were to get it again I would just kill myself. It was that bad. Unlike uncle Leo, I managed to gain 1 1/2 lbs. It’s my super power. In a concentration camp, I would gain weight.
    Oh, and three weeks later the county health department traced it to a Mexican restaurant where three employees knew they had it but came to work anyway. I almost died again when the man told us “what happens, see, is they get their feces on their hands. And then they handle the food. And the infected feces gets on the food. And then you eat it.” That’s right! We had enchiladas with a side of infected feces! It was four years before I could eat lettuce again. And to this day, only in my own home.

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  30. : : GardenGirl :: :: 10 days of New York State humidity is enough for me. I'm heading back to Cali bright and early tomorrow to our scorching 100 degree temperatures and ferocious freeways. says:

    That’s it. I can’t read any more comments or I’ll never have an appetite again. *shudder*

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  31. : : GardenGirl :: :: 10 days of New York State humidity is enough for me. I'm heading back to Cali bright and early tomorrow to our scorching 100 degree temperatures and ferocious freeways. says:

    That’s it. I can’t read any more comments or I’ll never have an appetite again. *shudder*

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  32. : : GardenGirl :: :: 10 days of New York State humidity is enough for me. I'm heading back to Cali bright and early tomorrow to our scorching 100 degree temperatures and ferocious freeways. says:

    That’s it. I can’t read any more comments or I’ll never have an appetite again. *shudder*

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  33. Poor Uncle Leo! My three-year-old has been suffering from a similar fate, although he caught his in the third-world jungle that is preschool. Preschool is like throwing your kid in a cage of carrier monkeys. We’ve been forcing coconut water on him to keep his potassium up.
    Cosmo’s Dad, WHY did you start on tapeworms. Those segment things are larvae or something, and when they dry out they look exactly like dehydrated onion flakes, which is what my brothers shook all over my room to convince me that I was expelling them like fairy dust everywhere I walked, and was positively teeming with tapeworms. Holy Mother of Meat. I am pretty sure that is where my heart problems started.
    Also, I totally credit Siren with luring me over here.

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