1. Last night I was chatting with The Fireman, and I said, "I have to go. I have to pull weeds before it gets dark" and he said, "Again? You seem to…do that a lot."
I have only known the fireman a short time, and already he has noted my yard obsession. But DUDE, you go out there and get eaten to bits by mosquitoes and then you have to run inside screaming as dramatically as you can.
Being my neighbor is fun. And yes, I DO use Off. On me it doesn't work. Anyway, I was pull-pull-pulling when I looked at the front of my house and saw this:
I am just saying. Am I that exciting? "let watch mom pull weedz." I mean, really? You can't hump each other or eat some kibble or chew the couch? That wouldn't be more rewarding?
2. I have spoken about my Uncle Leo many times. He married into our family in 1971, but when he and my Aunt Kathy divorced in the mid-80s, we liked him so we kept him. My Uncle Leo is ridiculous. He is the HAPPIEST person you have ever met. Nothing fazes him. In fact, he has had three brain operations in his life and says, "This is great! I get to retire! I get to see the world! Everyone should get to have three brain operations!"
He is the pinnacle of optimism.
So he, along with everyone else I am related to, went to India for that wedding I have now mentioned 994934 times, and I know you wish I'd bring it up MORE OFTEN. The point is, everyone else was back WEEKS ago, but not Uncle Leo. No. He was gonna spend a MONTH in India.
Yesterday I got an email from Aunt Kathy: "I don't know if anyone's told you that Leo is in Mt. Sinai in NYC."
That was it! That was ALL she told me! Why was Uncle Leo in the hospital? Why the hell was he in New York when he lives in Saginaw? Was it his brain? Is it something so serious he had to be, I don't know, TRANSPORTED to New York?
Seriously. What the frosting? (A commentor taught me that phrase.)
I desperately tried to get ahold of everyone on planet Earth through email, because guess who hadn't brought her iPhone with her to work? And was NO ONE online?
You know who would have been online because he is all the time? Uncle Leo.
Turns out? He was coming back from India and decided to go to New York for a spell, because his head is a bowling ball with the three brain operations and he can do what he likes. Except, apparently, keep anything in his body, because he just started getting VIOLENTLY ill and he got so sick and so weak that he called an ambulance for himself.
Now, if I had called an ambulance it'd be no big deal. Daniel Boone said the ambulance just stops at my house several times a day on its way back from calls to see if it's needed. (Yes, I did just mention D. Boone. Hang on.) But for my UNCLE to call an ambulance, he must have been near death. And in fact he was. His potassium level was 2. Which I guess is, you know, not good.
So he's weak and feels dreadful and just wants to sleep, but they have managed to unnauseate him for the most part. They do not know precisely what is wrong yet but hello India. Hello Indian parasite.
One of my friends said, "They should check his wrists. Maybe he got an Indian burn." Everyone's a comedian.
3. I am going to Raleigh this weekend to see Daniel Boone. Oh, get your knickers out their twist.
In case you are just tuning in, Daniel Boone is someone I like like liked for three weeks, and we broke up and it got ugly.
When we broke up, I deleted all of our emails, and in three weeks' time we had emailed each other over 200 times. What Daniel Boone and I did? Was talk. Talk talk talk. We are the same PERSON, including the verbal part. And the part where we think we're hilarious. Sometimes his emails make me have to lay my head on the desk, I am laughing so hard.
After our hideous breakup, we went two days without talking and on the third day he emailed me to kind of scold me. I scolded back. We talked. And talked. And apologized. He apologized many times. And the other day I deleted our emails again because I can never FIND anything on my email, and I realized that since we broke up last month we have exchanged 500 additional emails.
Did I mention we talk?
And I am over him. I do not have a romantic interest in D. Boone. I just really dig the guy. We have fun. And because we talk everything TO DEATH, we know this is gonna be a platonic visit. Which will be, you know, interesting. See him in a new light and so forth.
And that is all I have to tell you about that.
4. The Real Housewives reunion. Riveting AS ALWAYS.
5. Maybe I'll go pull some weeds…