Sometimes I abhor Edsel.
He ate a hole in the fitted sheet that eventually tore so much I had to throw it away. No, I did not get out my needle and thread and darn it or whatever. With my fine sewing abilities.
When Marvin and I were first married, he had a hole in his sock and I pointed it out. "Aren't you going to darn it?" he asked. "F**k your sock," I said. Whenever he had a hole in any sock from then on, he would ask me to darn it so that I'd say "f**k your sock." What I was? Was a domestic wife. I wonder why I can't keep a man? I wonder why God has seen fit to punish me with this ludicrous dog?
Last night I got into bed, and generally Edsel is .0004 centimeters away from me, so I was surprised he didn't leap in right after me. He soon came in, though, making that horrid "I am chewing something that isn't one of my prescribed toys" sound.
IT WAS MY GLASSES. THAT IDIOT HAD MY GLASSES.
Finally this morning I got up and, you know, tottered over to the Oval Office, as it were, and he had REMOVED THE ENTIRE ROLL OF TOILET PAPER from the thing.
June's blog. Where you come for the good writing. "…from the thing." Nice.
Marvin and his effed socks used to load us with toilet paper so we could have 70 poopapaloozas a month with the entire neighborhood, but part of my "I'm single and throwing my beret in the air" rebellion is I am not doing that. It's less an act of rebellion, really, and more it never occurs to me. So I was horrified wondering if I had any toilet paper that was not in Edsel's gullet.
I did. Because I know you want to be kept abreast of my toilet paper usage.
lu tole you edsul suk.
That crucifix, in case you wondered if I were performing exorcisms or something all of a sudden, belonged to my grandfather. It has the last rites junk inside and it's cool.
June's blog. Where you stay for the eloquent writing. "Last rites junk." Wasn't I a church secretary?
Anyway. In sari-er news, my sari came!
June's blog. Where you come for the lack of repeated stories.
–all of us aunts and cousins and moms and so forth made her schlep out and get us all saris. Because when she gets married here in, you know, America, we are all wearing saris to the wedding, with our white Midwestern selves.
June's relatives. Pretending we aren't boring white people since 2011.
Anyway it's all very exciting. I originally had a pale green one picked out for me, and my cousin Katie got the one above, but then I was all "I WANT THE BLUE ONE!" because one thing I am is mature. And not at all an only child.
So somehow now I get the blue one and Katie is wearing a peach one. I hope it doesn't rot during the ceremony.
I do not know what is happening with the green one.
It feels like I had other things to tell you but I want to get into work early today because I have a ton of work to do. OH! I remember. Remind me to tell you how I am doing freelance work on caring for newborns and won't you leave your newborn with me soon? Because so far everything I've read is totally news to me.
You have to FEED IT? All the TIME? It can't just order Chinese while you sleep? Selfish.