Family, June can't keep a man, June's stupid life, My pets

In which Lu wears an Indian bra. As you do.

Sometimes I abhor Edsel.

He ate a hole in the fitted sheet that eventually tore so much I had to throw it away. No, I did not get out my needle and thread and darn it or whatever. With my fine sewing abilities.

When Marvin and I were first married, he had a hole in his sock and I pointed it out. "Aren't you going to darn it?" he asked. "F**k your sock," I said. Whenever he had a hole in any sock from then on, he would ask me to darn it so that I'd say "f**k your sock." What I was? Was a domestic wife. I wonder why I can't keep a man? I wonder why God has seen fit to punish me with this ludicrous dog?

Last night I got into bed, and generally Edsel is .0004 centimeters away from me, so I was surprised he didn't leap in right after me. He soon came in, though, making that horrid "I am chewing something that isn't one of my prescribed toys" sound.

IT WAS MY GLASSES. THAT IDIOT HAD MY GLASSES.

Finally this morning I got up and, you know, tottered over to the Oval Office, as it were, and he had REMOVED THE ENTIRE ROLL OF TOILET PAPER from the thing.

June's blog. Where you come for the good writing. "…from the thing." Nice.

Marvin and his effed socks used to load us with toilet paper so we could have 70 poopapaloozas a month with the entire neighborhood, but part of my "I'm single and throwing my beret in the air" rebellion is I am not doing that. It's less an act of rebellion, really, and more it never occurs to me. So I was horrified wondering if I had any toilet paper that was not in Edsel's gullet.

I did. Because I know you want to be kept abreast of my toilet paper usage.

Lu

lu tole you edsul suk.

That crucifix, in case you wondered if I were performing exorcisms or something all of a sudden, belonged to my grandfather. It has the last rites junk inside and it's cool.

June's blog. Where you stay for the eloquent writing. "Last rites junk." Wasn't I a church secretary?

Anyway. In sari-er news, my sari came!

Sari
When my cousin Maria was in (wait for it…) INDIA, getting MARRIED–

June's blog. Where you come for the lack of repeated stories.

–all of us aunts and cousins and moms and so forth made her schlep out and get us all saris. Because when she gets married here in, you know, America, we are all wearing saris to the wedding, with our white Midwestern selves.

June's relatives. Pretending we aren't boring white people since 2011.

Anyway it's all very exciting. I originally had a pale green one picked out for me, and my cousin Katie got the one above, but then I was all "I WANT THE BLUE ONE!" because one thing I am is mature. And not at all an only child.

So somehow now I get the blue one and Katie is wearing a peach one. I hope it doesn't rot during the ceremony.

BAH!

I do not know what is happening with the green one.

Bralu
It comes with an undergarment, too, so you don't show off your bits.

It feels like I had other things to tell you but I want to get into work early today because I have a ton of work to do. OH! I remember. Remind me to tell you how I am doing freelance work on caring for newborns and won't you leave your newborn with me soon? Because so far everything I've read is totally news to me.

You have to FEED IT? All the TIME? It can't just order Chinese while you sleep? Selfish.

139 thoughts on “In which Lu wears an Indian bra. As you do.”

  1. : : GardenGirl :: ::. Matze, gone? I don't understand. BBP comments are a delicate balance.....like an ecosystem. says:

    We’ll miss you Matze. Just drop by when you can, k? I don’t really *know* you, but I enjoy your funny stuff and lovely birthday tribute work to June.

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  2. : : GardenGirl :: ::. Matze, gone? I don't understand. BBP comments are a delicate balance.....like an ecosystem. says:

    We’ll miss you Matze. Just drop by when you can, k? I don’t really *know* you, but I enjoy your funny stuff and lovely birthday tribute work to June.

    Like

  3. : : GardenGirl :: ::. Matze, gone? I don't understand. BBP comments are a delicate balance.....like an ecosystem. says:

    We’ll miss you Matze. Just drop by when you can, k? I don’t really *know* you, but I enjoy your funny stuff and lovely birthday tribute work to June.

    Like

  4. That’s seems odd that he would take the time to write but not say why he wasn’t going to comment anymore. In the words of Linda Ellerbee…”and so it goes.”

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  5. Matze wrote me to say he was not gonna comment any more. No explanation as to why; I heart Matze. But I enjoyed the 485838959303 emails asking me what was going on. Really.

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  6. Or perhaps you mean “You guys worry about shit a lot”.
    Sari to hear about Mozza… God I hope there’s not something really wrong. I would look like a total schmuck. Matzo – don’t be dead! But dead people don’t delete automatically do they? Do you ever wonder if people would guess you were dead if you only know them on the inter web and you suddenly disappeared? How would they know? Have you assigned a family member to the task of informing the internet if you croak?
    I would more likely assume you all went on vacation. Or to prison.

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  7. I know I’m late to the party – work has blocked ALL “personal web pages” YUCK. But I had to add something, I might be a little like Marvin, I have two rules – never run out of TP or gas… (for the car that is).

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  8. Seriously leaving Edsel in a crate will not kill him, give him a kong chewie filled with peanut butter or some other high value(for him) treat. He will chew awhile and then go to sleep. Dogs are very pack oriented animals and they view the crate as their den-it’s a primal thing that we can’t understand. It may look cruel to you but trust me it isn’t. He will be fine.
    Oh and here’s a funny one for ya, whoever mentioned that a dog ate their dentures, our Miss Maizie did that to my mom’s dentures. My mom had an awful habit of putting her upper plate in her pocket. Well one day she laid down on the couch to take a nap and the dentures fell out of her pocket on to the floor after she was asleep. Now Miss Maizie was a good girl and never chewed anything, we crated when she was a pup(and she was about eight when this happened), so she wandered in saw the dentures on the floor and decided that they were a chew toy. She chewed them up, and then punished herself by hiding in the bedroom for the rest of the day. Our dentist and family and friends got the biggest laugh out of that! I’m so glad to hear that someone else has had the same experience.

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  9. My mother-in-law had a similar crucifix in her bedroom. The top slid open to reveal a couple of candles and a bottle for holy water.
    Here’s a description from the internet, “A Sick Call Cross Set should be in every Catholic home to be used by a visiting Priest to give the Last Rites blessing. This blessing cross includes candles and bottle for Holy Water. Each Catholic cross comes apart to make a standing cross with built in holders for the candles.”
    My sarcastic college age son calls the “stand up, sit down, kneel, stand up, sit down, kneel” of the Mass…CATHOLIC AEROBICS! Yes, I keep waiting for the lighting to strike him during the service. Ka-Boom!! I make my husband sit next to him in the pew. Heh, heh, heh.

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  10. Who is commenting under the name “Account Deleted?” I think it is him.
    And I am not so excited about getting my kids their first puppy, when my son turns 8, anymore. That sh*t is ridiculous.

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  11. : : GardenGirl :: ::. Matze, gone? I don't understand. BBP comments are a delicate balance.....like an ecosystem. says:

    I thought so Paula, so a northeast Junefest would not be in the cards. Do you know anything about Matze?

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  12. : : GardenGirl :: ::. Matze, gone? I don't understand. BBP comments are a delicate balance.....like an ecosystem. says:

    I thought so Paula, so a northeast Junefest would not be in the cards. Do you know anything about Matze?

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  13. : : GardenGirl :: ::. Matze, gone? I don't understand. BBP comments are a delicate balance.....like an ecosystem. says:

    I thought so Paula, so a northeast Junefest would not be in the cards. Do you know anything about Matze?

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  14. OK, I will never try and read the comments at the end of the day again!!
    This is like an ADHD convention here!

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  15. : : GardenGirl :: ::. Matze, gone? I don't understand. BBP comments are a delicate balance.....like an ecosystem. says:

    SADIE – you are correct. I was visiting NY and have returned to Cali as of today.
    But WHERE in NY do you live, JUST PAULA? I got the feeling you were in/near NYC. I visited WNY and Upstate New York. (Hence the Groudhog Day reference, Sadie. : ( )
    And ANITA….what???? Matze deleted his typepad and FB, why? What is going on? Well, tons of people here have his email…so who’s got the dirt on what’s going on? June? Are you there? June? Anybody?

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  16. : : GardenGirl :: ::. Matze, gone? I don't understand. BBP comments are a delicate balance.....like an ecosystem. says:

    SADIE – you are correct. I was visiting NY and have returned to Cali as of today.
    But WHERE in NY do you live, JUST PAULA? I got the feeling you were in/near NYC. I visited WNY and Upstate New York. (Hence the Groudhog Day reference, Sadie. : ( )
    And ANITA….what???? Matze deleted his typepad and FB, why? What is going on? Well, tons of people here have his email…so who’s got the dirt on what’s going on? June? Are you there? June? Anybody?

    Like

  17. : : GardenGirl :: ::. Matze, gone? I don't understand. BBP comments are a delicate balance.....like an ecosystem. says:

    SADIE – you are correct. I was visiting NY and have returned to Cali as of today.
    But WHERE in NY do you live, JUST PAULA? I got the feeling you were in/near NYC. I visited WNY and Upstate New York. (Hence the Groudhog Day reference, Sadie. : ( )
    And ANITA….what???? Matze deleted his typepad and FB, why? What is going on? Well, tons of people here have his email…so who’s got the dirt on what’s going on? June? Are you there? June? Anybody?

    Like

  18. Garden Girl, I forgot to mention that your Groundhog Day reference concerning your visit killed me.

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  19. Christians, start your engines!!
    One of our priests called those people that left after Communion the Faithful Departed.
    Sadie, yes, I live in NY. Does Garden Girl?

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  20. The fact that hulk offered parenting advice (and it was real…not sarcastic or a joke) and it was actually good advice may make him the greatest man in the world.

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  21. I need a freaking road trip!
    Let me rephrase that please. I have an urgent desire to be on the road again. Sort of like Willie Nelson. My motto of late has been A rolling stone gathers no moss.
    My need for a road trip exceeds my nearly empty wallet. I’ve made it work before and it shall work again.

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  22. Garden Girl, are you home again? Too bad you didn’t arrange a New York Junefest with Just Paula while you were there.

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  23. Garden Girl, are you home again? Too bad you didn’t arrange a New York Junefest with Just Paula while you were there.

    Like

  24. Garden Girl, are you home again? Too bad you didn’t arrange a New York Junefest with Just Paula while you were there.

    Like

  25. : : GardenGirl :: :: Too bad Matze has to earn a living like the rest of us. It just gets in the way of his entertaining us. Hmmpf. says:

    Where is Matze today? I always miss him. Not that all y’all aren’t hilarious yourselves.

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