In which June blows off the South to be the bland Midwesterner she’s always been

I'm getting ready to get in the car to leave for Saginaw, and by "getting ready" I mean I'm sitting here blogging.

Somebody just pulled into my driveway to turn around, and I don't know about you, but if we were all in the car in high school? And we pulled into someone's driveway to do that? We'd all shout, "GET OUT THE BEER AND PRETZELS!"

Because, you know. We might be unexpected company. See.

No, I didn't grow up in a totally blue-collar town, with the beer and the pretzels. Why do you ask?

Also? A thing that makes me shudder and wonder why I am here talking to you about all the pressing details of the day? Is the memory of me in the car with my high school friends. Holy cats. We were one of those "Don't Drink and Drive" videos in the making. Sometimes the whole point of the evening was, "Let's drive around and drink!"

Horrifying.

So on that note, I'm about to get on the road for 13 hours to be home in time for my cousin's wedding. Yes, I know she already got married in India. We don't believe her and we're making her do it in front of our own eyes here in America where it counts. We all have shotguns and torches.

I have packed nothing and you know that means I will do it hurriedly and get there and realize I forgot my arms.

One thing I did manage to do was ask Marvin if he could come stay with the dogs rather than me taking them to daycare, so I don't have to endure Vomitfest Deux when I get back. He is annoyed with me because today is the first day of school, but I hardly see what one thing has to do with the other. Just show a film strip. Geez.

Oh!

Junetouchesbull When I went to the movies with Dick and his Whitman the other night, we stopped off and looked at this inexplicable bull. I liked him because he has a barrel chest like Tallulah.

Lu dere statoo of talu somewheres?

Do you like how she was RIGHT NEXT to me and still I could not take an unblurry picture of her?

Anyway. I had better pack. Last time I forgot to bring my migraine meds and I had to seduce the woman at Target pharmacy to give me pills and then I never got a migraine. Annoying.

Okay, I'm off. Carry on.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

85 thoughts on “In which June blows off the South to be the bland Midwesterner she’s always been”

  1. I can’t believe I’m first! Woo Hoo! Have a great time, June and take lots of pictures! Blurry or not, I love to live your life vicariously…. Oh, and take some photos of Hulk and Not Chloe, too.

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  2. Marvin’s going to have a blast enjoying the pets and their hurricane preparedness. Everyone know how much dogs LOVE severe storms with the high winds, lightning, incessant THUNDER and never-ending pounding rain. Fun times!
    I know from hurricanes. Good luck with that, Marv!

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  3. We used to do the whole drive so we could drink too. I’m surprised any of us lived to tell about it (well outside of a jail cell anyway). Good grief.
    AAHAH show a film strip or something. Hilarious.

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  4. Does the sari have ruffles? because then we could sing that song that Harry sings with Sally in front of Ira:
    “Sari With The Fringe On Top”

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  5. Zadge beat me to a sari joke! I couldn’t think of a good one anyway. That sure is a lotta bull up there, although I can’t see any horns or boy parts to verify that it is a bull. I like your top, the same one DW liked yesterday. I wish I didn’t have old lady arms and could wear sleeveless things like that.
    Have a great time this weekend, take many pics of you and Hulk, both in and out of your cool clothes. Better yet, videotape the whole encounter for your legion of fans.

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  6. Why is it every time I see a picture of Talu, my head automatically tilts to a 45 degree angle and an involuntary “awwwwwww” escapes my pouty lips?

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  7. Sadie - Have a safe trip and don't forget to pack your sari. When you return from your weekend with Hulk, are we going to hear you say, "I'm sari, so sari?" says:

    Just try to figure out how to take the dogs out in driving rain. There may be more than one accident in the house while you’re gone.

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  8. Sadie - Have a safe trip and don't forget to pack your sari. When you return from your weekend with Hulk, are we going to hear you say, "I'm sari, so sari?" says:

    Just try to figure out how to take the dogs out in driving rain. There may be more than one accident in the house while you’re gone.

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  9. Sadie - Have a safe trip and don't forget to pack your sari. When you return from your weekend with Hulk, are we going to hear you say, "I'm sari, so sari?" says:

    Just try to figure out how to take the dogs out in driving rain. There may be more than one accident in the house while you’re gone.

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  10. Miss Ann With The Prose Life Who Is Apparently SOOOO Sophisticated…
    Saginaw weddings will NOT have shotguns. Glocks probably…shootings most likely. Let’s see your Socialite candy-ass rabble top THAT!

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  11. First of all, I believe you mean, la fête de vomie deuxième….
    Secondly, heading for Sagadrag–seriously? Give my regards to Tittabawasse!
    Finally, drive safely and without ‘influence’! Oh and take some
    ‘influence’ with you…you’re bound to need it.

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  12. I know that bull!! Although I didn’t realize it was that big, because I’ve never gotten out of the car and stood next to it. Must remedy that.

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  13. I remember driving home because I was too drunk to walk. (Don’t judge me! It was a long time ago!) And when I got pulled over, the cop just told me to take it easy. It was ALLOWED back then!

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  14. Happy and safe travels, Junie! Can’t wait to hear all about the wedding!
    Oh…and you mentioned one of my pet peeves: when people who are too lazy to make a proper K-turn, pull into a stranger’s driveway instead. I HATE this move with a passion. It is illegal in NJ, as it should be everywhere!

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  15. Oh. Films! Those bring back such great memories. Every Friday afternoon in 4th grade we were allowed to watch a movie on film if we had good conduct all week. (Obviously, I saw every single film they ever played that year.) And we didn’t even get annoyed when it would start skipping and jumping and the voices would get all gargled sounding. Yet now I get extremely irritated when a You Tube video buffers for a couple of seconds. What has happened to me?

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  16. Oh. Films! Those bring back such great memories. Every Friday afternoon in 4th grade we were allowed to watch a movie on film if we had good conduct all week. (Obviously, I saw every single film they ever played that year.) And we didn’t even get annoyed when it would start skipping and jumping and the voices would get all gargled sounding. Yet now I get extremely irritated when a You Tube video buffers for a couple of seconds. What has happened to me?

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  17. Oh. Films! Those bring back such great memories. Every Friday afternoon in 4th grade we were allowed to watch a movie on film if we had good conduct all week. (Obviously, I saw every single film they ever played that year.) And we didn’t even get annoyed when it would start skipping and jumping and the voices would get all gargled sounding. Yet now I get extremely irritated when a You Tube video buffers for a couple of seconds. What has happened to me?

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  18. Let me guess…they are registered at Meijer Thrifty Acres? A Michigan specialty. When I was a kid the one in Jackson had a kid corral called “The Oasis” where kids would go climb on a big turtle statue and watch tv while moms shopped. Oh how the times have changed. Today it would be called “The Pedophile Magnet”.

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  19. Oh no, gone again for a few days and we’re left to our own devices. Last time, a Facebook group was established. What do you think we’re capable of this time around? I shudder to think. Can we just have access to your blog and do our own guest posts all weekend?
    Have a good time and don’t worry about a thing back here…

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  20. Mary Ellen, did you get up at o’dark thirty to be the first commenter? You’re on the opposite coast for heaven’s sake!
    I am appalled when I think of all the times we drank or smoked our entertainment and then drove. We would always pick the “soberest” one to be the driver (like there are levels of sobriety) and it didn’t matter if that person had a license or not. Ack!
    And Hulk, it’s fitting that you mentioned When Harry met Sally, because that could be Hulk and June in the sequel!
    Marvin doing the pet-sitting is going a long way to redeeming him in my eyes. Just don’t f*uck it up, Marv.

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  21. Pamela SS, I can’t for the life of me figure out what a K-turn is. If I have to turn around in suburban streets, I always do as much of a U-turn as I can without going on someone’s lawn, back up a bit, then complete the turn. Is it something like that?

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  22. Furiously trying to imagine a Saginaw wedding with an Indian influence…what do you put in the self-serve beverage coolers?
    What kind of shots as you enter?

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  23. Hulk (I am getting the feeling there are going to be a lot of disappointed Pie-ers if they are really looking for a "Harry-Met-Sally" thing...) says:

    What kind of shots? Hopefully diphtheria, black plague, typhoid, tetanus…I hope ALL that shit is covered.
    Dang Pamela…I turn around in people’s driveway all the time if I need to. And people use mine as well. I hope I never miss a turn in YOUR neighborhood…

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  24. Yes Linda…that is exactly what is called a “K-turn.”
    Hah! Lisa Pie…I thought my bestie was the only person to say “o’dark thirty!”

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  25. Oh my God, can some of you folks move to LA already and raise the humor quotient??? We seriously need some funny people, the more sarcastic the better. Really, I feel like I’m the only one here and tired of having to explain sarcasm, kind of takes the zing out of it, ya know?

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  26. Oops. And maybe you are to young? I was remembering your mom asking if The Fireman had a helmet that would fit your hair. Did you ever have to wear those godawful bathing caps when swimming? How did you get all of your hair in there? Your hair was long! Probably you are too young to have had to wear them.

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  27. Oops. And maybe you are to young? I was remembering your mom asking if The Fireman had a helmet that would fit your hair. Did you ever have to wear those godawful bathing caps when swimming? How did you get all of your hair in there? Your hair was long! Probably you are too young to have had to wear them.

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  28. Oops. And maybe you are to young? I was remembering your mom asking if The Fireman had a helmet that would fit your hair. Did you ever have to wear those godawful bathing caps when swimming? How did you get all of your hair in there? Your hair was long! Probably you are too young to have had to wear them.

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  29. Those bathing caps! Trying to push all of your hair under them and your forehead looked so funny. They were so tight, they made your head hurt, but your hair stayed dry. What lovely photographs our family has with us all wearing bathing caps. Thanks for the laugh.

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  30. Sadie - Trying to clear it up for all of you youngsters. Bathing (swimming) caps were mandatory when swimming in pools. says:

    The bathing caps were for keeping your hair dry when swimming. They are not to be confused with shower caps.

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  31. Sadie - Trying to clear it up for all of you youngsters. Bathing (swimming) caps were mandatory when swimming in pools. says:

    The bathing caps were for keeping your hair dry when swimming. They are not to be confused with shower caps.

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  32. Sadie - Trying to clear it up for all of you youngsters. Bathing (swimming) caps were mandatory when swimming in pools. says:

    The bathing caps were for keeping your hair dry when swimming. They are not to be confused with shower caps.

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  33. Jan is very stressed out today because of nonsense with her job and the union and BS and I needed a break! Thanks everyone. says:

    Have a great time at the Indian Saginaw wedding. Lots of pictures, please. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, have a REALLY great time at the after-party with Hulk. Please NO pictures.
    We used to scream “Don’t put the coffee on, we ain’t stayin'” when we turned around in driveways. I enjoy the maturity of teenagers. I’m sure we weren’t annoying or obnoxious at all.
    Will your family be taking time out to celebrate your civil union with Hulk during this weekend of family celebrations?

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  34. *too
    Aha! I’m not the only one who remembers/hates them!! Which were worse, the cheapo squarish ones with corners that the pools would “lend” you, or the hideous flowered/starfished/beaded ones your mom picked out to coordinate with your suit?

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  35. *too
    Aha! I’m not the only one who remembers/hates them!! Which were worse, the cheapo squarish ones with corners that the pools would “lend” you, or the hideous flowered/starfished/beaded ones your mom picked out to coordinate with your suit?

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  36. *too
    Aha! I’m not the only one who remembers/hates them!! Which were worse, the cheapo squarish ones with corners that the pools would “lend” you, or the hideous flowered/starfished/beaded ones your mom picked out to coordinate with your suit?

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  37. Hulk, I think you’re right about OJ.
    I still wonder how June got her miles of thick hair jammed into those. I have sort of a Marge Simpson image in my head …

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  38. Alright…so I was only partly right.
    In my municipality, drivers have a 6 foot right-of-way onto private driveways in order to turn. Unless you post a “no trespassing” sign, then you can keep people off entirely.
    I don’t care if it is discourteous or humorless…I have young children who play, albeit supervised, in our driveway and I don’t like it and I don’t do it to others.
    But Hulk…if you miss a turn in my neighborhood you better come in and have a drink! How will I recognize your vehicle? Will it be emblazoned with Cleveland’s mascot? What?

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  39. It will have Buckeye helmet stickers on the back windows!
    No, as a matter of fact I do NOT have a girlfriend…

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  40. I remember those ding dang caps as a kid. Didn’t they have chin straps too? Like they’d ever come off, once you finally sqeezed your head in. And the afterhair? Yikes.
    Yes, Hulk, June has a dowry. Two dogs, two cats and a hutch.

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  41. “…it’s the first day of school…” What’s his point? It’s only fair that he help with the fur babies. After all you DID babysit Henry and Winston for him when he went away. But I’m sure you keeping Hen and Win is like Brer Rabbit and the briar patch, “Pllleeeeaase don’t throw me in that briar patch,” right?
    You look so trim and tan in the photo with the bull.

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  42. My daughter, with small hair, has caps for swim team. It’s a two person job to get those things on. Her bff has HUGE hair and absolutely refused. Could. not. get. it. on.
    I will say one of my favorite pictures of my daughter is a close up of her at a swim meet in her super cute blue swim team suit, her blue cap and her big blue eyes.

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  43. It’s called a 3 point turn around these parts. Not sure what the K is all about. But dang, I’d be scared use someones driveway in NJ. Maybe the K should be a C for cap in your ass.
    Joann has the prize for most redunkulous swim cap. She looked like one of those synchronized swimmers.

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  44. K-turn and 3 Point turn are interchangeable terms.
    And I am WAY too law-abiding to drop a C for cap in anyone’s ass…but I can provide an earful when provoked.

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  45. I had never heard of a K-turn. Though, 3-point turns, definitely. Illegal to turn around in someone’s driveway? Holy crap. That sounds kind of hostile. I don’t LIKE doing it, but I do it if I have to occasionally. I had no idea there were LAWS about it.
    Bathing caps: aw, you all just brought back very sweet memories to me, of my dear grandmother swimming with one of those on, the rubbery “flowers” on top trembling slightly as she did a slow [Hulk, don’t get too excited here] breaststroke. I had very long hair as a kid and it was literally torture when I had to wear one of those. Not to mention long hair (or big hair) made all these weird-looking lumps on top of your head under the caps. We all looked like deformed unicorns. Except for my grandmother, who somehow just looked cute.

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  46. In Ohio we said, “Don’t make coffee, can’t stay.”

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  47. Lisa 2.0 – I grew up in Jackson!!!! But I am way older than you as there was no Meijer store in Jackson in my day.
    I did rent a home in Grand Rapids that was built by Mr. and Mrs. Meijer in their later years. Very modest 50s ranch.

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  48. Hi June! Every time I come here I laugh til I cry. And I need to laugh that hard more often. Thanks for being so hilarious. The post about you and Sandy at the beach killed me. Have a great trip!

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  49. Lisa Pie, yes, I was up at o’dark thirty today. I always am on Thursdays as i see two clients. But I always check the “Pie” before I get on the Freeway. Need me some June to start the day!
    BTW, heard a story on NPR about your unrelenting heat. Some long-time resident of Austin was giving up and moving to Portland. Thought of you guys suffering deep in the heart of Texas!

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  50. Unrelenting heat and drought in Texas and more rain, wind and floods than the east coast wants. Hope everyone stays safe this weekend.

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  51. I know Lisa Pie is hot and I can adequately whine for both of us. I have lived in Texas my whole life except for graduate school years. I am a fifth generation Texas. NO ONE can recall a summer as hot as this. It’s brutal with no end in sight. Sunday should be 105 in my city with about 85% humidity. Most mornings, our LOW temperature is 87 degrees or greater.
    To sum up: Y’all, it’s HOT!

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