Mr. Blue Pants

Happy Barry Gibb's birthday! I am taking time out of this day of festivities to write you.

I told Daniel Boone it's Barry Gibb's birthday, and I said, "I gotta get home and put up my tree."

"Really?" he said. "I was thinking more a fur-covered pole."

Everyone's mean to my Barry.

In the meantime, my coworker Vilhelm Oyster tried to kill me last night. You know how a bunch of us at work have been doing this workout DVD? It's called Insanity and it lives up to its effing name. Last night I finally Googled it, and its claim to fame? "The hardest workout DVD you'll ever do." Oh! Sign me up!

And the worst part is Vilhelm, who is extra fit, popped in level effing TWO last night. It was just the two of us. "Did you set it to a hard level?" I trepidated. "No!" he smiled.

Vilhelm is evil.

Then the FREAK who is the instructor–wait. Let me see if there are photos of this drill sargent torturer sadist…

Shaun_t
There he is. And it's like looking in a mirror, seeing those abs.

Also? While I was looking for this ding-dang image? I saw a disclaimer: Remember, the Insanity workout is not for the beginner!

Yeah. Really?

Anyway, there we were. Supposedly doing pushups with one leg in the air, or doing a pushup then leaping right up after, and EVEN VILHELM eventually collapsed on the floor, dead.

So that was a good time. And my hair? Small.

Then after I got home and ATE THE WORLD, Marvin came over for the mortgage check and yes we ARE switching it this month so it comes right out of my account. The first person to give me advice on that has to do the Insanity workout twice. I will come to your house and lord over you with a pick axe and make you do one-legged pushups.

The POINT is, after Edsel lept in the air for 45 minutes, then humped Marvin, then wept and wrote a poem about the whole experience, I said, "Unfortunately I have to walk them now." Because could I have been more dead tired? So Marvin went with me, when what I was really hoping was that he'd say, "I'll walk them. You rest. You want Steak and Shake while I'm up?"

That did not happen.

Anyway, walk the dogs we did and we saw Paul, my 96-year-old neighbor. We chatted awhile and he invited us to sit down, but we demurred. It occurs to me Paul must think I am the biggest slut, as I have walked past there with Dick Whitman and Daniel Boone and now Marvin in the past few weeks. Or maybe he just sees some dark-haired middle-aged man with me and assumes it's the same person. We can hope.

If that weren't enough activity, and trust me, that workout and then that walk with 100 pounds of pulling dog was enough, Marvin said, "Let's go to Target! I need new headphones and blue pants."

So off we went, in his giant pink 1966 car that every time I am in it I think of how we have no airbags. I reassure myself with the thought that the car is the size of Judy Garland's medicine cabinet and persevere.

The first thing that happened was Marvin took an hour and 45 minutes to back out the driveway. I do not know if he was trying not to scrape his ridiculous car, or he was avoiding running over ants, or just trying to drive me berserk with his trademark slowness, but eventually I said, "Take your time backing out."

"You know who I miss? You." said Marvin, as he continued to back out an inch per hour like he was at driver's training.

Then we got there and I am happy to report Marvin bought me some new earbuds as mine only played out one ear and I might as well have lugged a Victrola with me instead of an iPod, with that fine stereo sound. I got Paul Frank earbuds!

Skullcandy_paulfrank
I will let you guess which color I selected. I heart Paul Frank stuff. I remember when it wasn't that famous and I thought I had made a teensy discovery. Am glad it hit the big time.

At any rate, here is what I forgot about Marvin.

He meanders.

I mean, there are no words to explain to you how TIRED my body was from Vilhelm's murder attempt. My COLLARBONE hurt. My HAIR was sleepy. I was exhausted. And the thing is? When I trained for that marathon way before you knew me? My long runs were on Saturday mornings, and Marvin would do this same thing to me later in the day. He'd drag an errand out 47 years.

Oh, he paused at the groceries. "You don't need groceries. You're leaving in two days," I groused. Marvin's niece is being bat mitzvhaed. She was born a month after we were married and we stayed at the hospital all night waiting for her to be born at 5:00 the next day. Why do babies always wait till weird times to be born? Marvin videotaped the entire night, and I should really get him to let me show it here, because it is funny, us stuck in a hospital all night.

Anyway, because I complained? Guess who SLOWED HIS PACE EVEN MORE? Oh, he paused over the milk, like he'd never seen such a newfangled idea as milk in a jug. He ruminated over the cereals. He considered the candy.

"CAN WE GO GET YOUR BLUE PANTS NOW?!" I scowled.

I hear we have a new black president. And that there is some weird woman named Lady Gaga now? I missed all this while we MADE OUR WAY TO THE BLUE PANTS SECTION.

We had a cart, because as bitchy as I'm being Marvin also got me big bags of food for my pets, so I had to stand in the aisle, across from the Kim Kardashian-looking heels, waiting for Mr. Blue Pants. After awhile, I started wondering if I would ever wear those heels. They were kind of sexy. I should really be a person who wears heels more, now that I am out trolling again.

"Girl, I like her. She is straight up. I like a straight-up person. Umm-hmmm! That's what I said! She tell it like it is!"

Either an insane person or a person wearing one of those awful BlueTooth things walked by me while I waited. The last time I had been outside of Target, people were sending smoke signals to communicate.

I could see Marvin thinking about blue pants as though he were deciding on a condo, so I glared at him as hard as I could, hoping he'd feel my annoyance and move faster. This worked so well in 13 years of marriage. He already had blue pants thrown jauntily over his shoulder and was observing khaki.

"You said blue! You HAVE blue! Can we go?"

Finally, FINALLY, we left Target. Women outside were wearing short hair! I never. Did they have the scarlett fever? Where were everyone's togas? And someone must have stolen our team of horses.

"You wanna get frozen custard?" asked Marvin, putting his blue pants in the 39494939-foot-wide trunk of his 1966 car, which was new when the evening began.

"Of course," I said. "We don't have to walk over there, do we?"

You guys. I had to walk, like, six stores down to the frozen yogurt. Will the torment never end? I told Marvin it reminded me of the time after my marathon in Chicago, when he made me walk back to the hotel after.

"It was just a mile," he said.

And that is when I shoved Marvin in the frozen custard twisty machine, and now you can get chocolate/Marvin swirl at your local Ruth's Custard.

 

 

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

164 thoughts on “Mr. Blue Pants”

  1. Lacrema, you only need an aorta and an IQ of 12 to undergo this torture. AND HE DOES NOT HAVE CHEST PLUGS! Someday Barry will guest post on here and all he will say is, Go to hell. All of you. Im Barry Effin Gibb.

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  2. I guess that’s so, I have no tw–
    But at least I’m sure about the thing I got…

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  3. I guess that’s so, I have no tw–
    But at least I’m sure about the thing I got…

    Like

  4. I guess that’s so, I have no tw–
    But at least I’m sure about the thing I got…

    Like

  5. And if you do get to get your own ‘dawg’ – do they come with a size choice? Can you imagine them showing pictures….Here ya go Mr. Bono: would you like our slim line ‘pencil’ model or is something a bit beefier in our Armour Hot Dog line more of your choosing. And what guy would go for the pencil d*ck model any how?!

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  6. June, I bow at your brilliance and am honored to be a faithful reader.

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  7. June, I bow at your brilliance and am honored to be a faithful reader.

    Like

  8. June, I bow at your brilliance and am honored to be a faithful reader.

    Like

  9. I was going to complain how my boyfriend won’t let me LOOK at anything -we’re in out and out of any given store in no-time flat- when it occured to me that I am the Marvin to his June.

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  10. There’s got to be a joke in here somewhere about you can call it anything you want, but it still won’t come, but for the life of me I can’t cum up with one.

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  11. I remember Chaz being pretty big back when he was still Chastity. I don’t think the weight has changed much.
    Why did I also picture bright blue pants?
    I had an Andy Gibb poster in my room in jr high. Him and Shaun Cassidy. Sigh.

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  12. Do you think Chaz considered Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves to be career choices? What else can you do when your mother is a gay icon? You’re either Liza or Chaz.

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  13. I saw Chaz on Letterman a week or so ago. He has had “upper” surgery…as in, mastectomy and rebuild male chest.
    However, I guess the “lower” surgery is a bit more complicated. I was dying when he was trying to explain to Dave that he could either have something functional, but small…or larger, but it wouldn’t work. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Dave turn that shade of red before.
    So no…Chaz has no Bone-o. Not yet, anyway.

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  14. Didn’t Cher also have a son with whatever Allman Brother she briefly married? Is he mincing around in Jimmy Choos and feather boas?

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  15. Functional, but small. Not too be nasty, but wouldn’t that just be a waist? I mean waste?

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  16. I think everyone was picturing royal blue or bright blue for Marvin’s pants because of the picture June posted of her drill sergeant wearing bright blue pants.

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  17. Just Paula, Cher’s son is Elijah Blue Allmon, and I think it was with Greg Allmon. Don’t know how he turned out.

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  18. For Hulk, cause he likes the details
    I was born in the body of the wrong sex
    I don’t think my momma did know
    Papa would do whatever he could
    but he didn’t do a lot cause he skied into the wood
    Gays, lezzies, and trannies
    We’d hear it from the people of the town
    They’d call us gays, lezzies and trannies
    But every night all the men would come around
    just to beat us down
    Decided I was a boy just south of Mobile
    Gave the idea a ride, filled me with new zeal
    I was a girl, now I’ll never be one
    Decided in Memphis
    And my papa woulda shot me if he knew what I’d done
    I never had testerone but doc taught me well
    With his chemical cocktails
    Three years later I’m a gal in transition
    And I haven’t seen a period for a while, uh-huh I haven’t one for a while, uh-huh
    I was born in the body of the wrong sex
    I don’t think my momma did know
    Papa would do whatever he could
    but he didn’t do a lot cause he skied into the wood

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  19. Hulk (Still, if I'm going through all that surgery, I better come out looking like Barry Effing Gibb. Not John Candy...) says:

    That’s a game on me, yeah
    (Jane, Jane, Jane)
    That’s so plain to see
    (Jane, Jane, Jane)
    Janie, Janie, Janie, Janie, Janie
    (Jane, Jane, Jane)
    Why you foolin’ with me
    (Jane, Jane, Jane)
    I just watched the Chaz Bono/Letterman interview. He’s actually pretty cool…

    Like

  20. Hulk (Still, if I'm going through all that surgery, I better come out looking like Barry Effing Gibb. Not John Candy...) says:

    That’s a game on me, yeah
    (Jane, Jane, Jane)
    That’s so plain to see
    (Jane, Jane, Jane)
    Janie, Janie, Janie, Janie, Janie
    (Jane, Jane, Jane)
    Why you foolin’ with me
    (Jane, Jane, Jane)
    I just watched the Chaz Bono/Letterman interview. He’s actually pretty cool…

    Like

  21. Hulk (Still, if I'm going through all that surgery, I better come out looking like Barry Effing Gibb. Not John Candy...) says:

    That’s a game on me, yeah
    (Jane, Jane, Jane)
    That’s so plain to see
    (Jane, Jane, Jane)
    Janie, Janie, Janie, Janie, Janie
    (Jane, Jane, Jane)
    Why you foolin’ with me
    (Jane, Jane, Jane)
    I just watched the Chaz Bono/Letterman interview. He’s actually pretty cool…

    Like

  22. “Skied into the wood…”
    That and “Just Chaz-No Titty” will have me giggling to myself the rest of the night…

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  23. I just read this:
    Posted by: Hulk (Still, if I’m going through all that surgery, I better come out looking like Barry Effing Gibb. Not John Candy…)
    and I’m sitting in my chair at work, trying to wait until my break to pee. And I just nearly wet my chair. Barry Effing Gibb. John Candy. Hulk just killed me. Dead. Ow, my bladder!

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  24. I can’t read all the ding dang comments because of my JOB, but June you are on FIRE! Funny stuff!
    I will attempt to read the comments later this evening… gah ya’ll were busy!

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  25. Love Edsel’s poem!!
    As for the Marvin-flavored ice cream… You know there are now exclusive “gourmet” establishments that serve frozen dairy desserts made with HUMAN dairy… so I’ll also pass on the “male-flavored” ice creams, thank you anyway.
    Hulk – No offense, but it’s possible that as a 10-yr. old girl, Not-Chloe just didn’t want to clothes-shop with her dad.

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  26. Maybe Marvin is so slow because he wants to spend more time with you 🙂 He kept thinking of more things to do together . . .
    On an unrelated topic . . . have you seen the Hello Kitty jewelry by Swarovski? Just saw it yesterday — so cute!! Bought a pair of earrings — only one pair left at that store, and they were out of the matching necklaces last week-end! I think you’d like it 🙂

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  27. Y’all, I was reading the comments while eating a super casual dinner of Papa Murphy’s bake it yourself pizza with my husband and son. Husband has nooo understanding of blogs, Facebook, etc. so I tried mightily to muffle my laughter as the “I’ve Got You Babe” lyrics were wittily done. He sighed. Then rolled his eyes when I laughed until I cried over “Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves” . . . the last line killed!
    I saw Chaz on Bill Maher this summer and I was impressed with his maturity and intelligence.
    My neighbor-to-be, Barry Gibb, has done nothing with the rubble that was once his home to be and Johnny Cash’s former home. Not sure if he still owns it or not. Johnny’s brother has been at our Mexican restaurant a couple times lately, but I don’t have the courage to ask him about it.

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  28. I thought that the Gawker boards were the funniest thing I’d ever read until I came here. I wish I was super eloquent and had fancy words to adequately describe how much I love all of you. I come here and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. What a fantastic little community this is. Love you all. Thank you for making my very shitty day better. mwah.

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  29. *Le sob*
    June, I TOTALLY get you. Hell, I want to BE you. I’m a jock-type, but I can’t throw a ball.
    And if you haven’t notice, this blog is just a form of trash-talking.

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  30. You know that 6 pack abs guy who is your video instructor? I used to take a dance class that he was in, too. I was really awful and he was always the best dancer. He’s also very, very nice — even to the nerdy, white, very-unhip girls like me.

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