Could you please arrange to let me keep the change

This is the first Labor Day of my entire lifetime, my 87 years, that Jerry Lewis is not hosting the insanely terrible muscular dystrophy telethon. I refuse to watch if Jerry is not on. Even if they ARE gonna feature Andrea McArdle and also Tony Orlando and Dawn. Yes! I will forgo all that mesmerizing talent in support of Jerry.

When I was a kid I was obsessed with staying up all night to watch it, a thing I never managed. Someone should have introduced me to alcohol and/or men, as I later discovered those were lovely impetuses for staying up till dawn. But not Tony Orlando.

Bah!

Okay, anyway. So, in case you were worried sick, Dick Whitman and Daniel Boone did not hiss at each other and puff up like Anderson did the other day when I had that puppy over. First of all, neither of them like me in THAT way, because I repel men like the fine sheen on a duck, and secondly, once the Whitman pulled into my driveway, I leaped into the car like a banshee, which makes no sense because banshees are not famous for leaping, really.

"Your slutty date is ready!" I announced, at Dick Whitman looked curiously at the car in my driveway that was identical to his. Did I mention they drive the same car? They do. Maybe all men who drive that type of car find me physically repulsive, but a hoot to hang out with.

The point is, Dick Whitman and I drove to the Ava Gardner museum yesterday. As you do.

AvaG
I took pictures with my iPhone, then also Dick and his Whitman dragged out his gigantic horse-member camera and I will just let you guess which photos were taken by him and which were taken by me. Hint: If you can see the subject being photographed, it was totally a photo taken by me. How does DW not get fired?

Oh! Before we went to see Ava and her gardening equipment (hey, I wonder if we are related. Ava Gardner/June Gardens. Heaven knows we are identical-looking), we went to Starbucks.

Look, I'm being one of those annoying "let me back up" storytellers.

Jams We saw these really adorable children with their dad, totally rocking their jams at the Starbucks. Had I known that was allowed I'd have stayed in my cowboy ensemble and blogged more yesterday.

Anyway, after I watched Dick Whitman order decaf (!!) and two cake pops but then only allow himself to eat one (Dick Whitman is fascinating. In every way that I am a crazed berserk uncontrolled banshee, Dick Whitman is a Swiss watch), we went to the art museum in Raleigh…

Isocurious …where I was mature. Then after we were cultured and such, we screamed on over to see Ava's museum.

Pickledava
Ava Gardner was born in a small town in North Carolina, and the town has not capitalized on this in the slightest. No, I did not buy Ava asparagus.

Moonshineava Although it was hard to resist her famous moonshine jelly.

Ava Gardner was so gorgeous that all she had to do was have a photo taken by her brother-in-law, who stuck the photo in his store window, and some agent walked by and whisked her to Hollywood and got her a movie contract.

I think my senior picture may have been up at the studio in Saginaw, Michigan in 1983 for a few months, and didn't no agent whisk ME off. What the heck?

Anyway, she went on to marry Mickey Rooney, which makes perfect sense because he was so hot.

Ava. Honey. What were you doing, there? Do you have a troll fetish? What gives?

Anyway, once they both stood up at the same time she realized she had to divorce him, or maybe the roofies wore off, I don't know, but she went on to marry Artie Shaw, who was sexy, and also Frank Sinatra. All of her marriages lasted a year, so now I don't feel so bad.

The best part of her story is in her 40s she got sick and tired of everyone and moved to Spain and slept with bullfighters and had Corgis till she died. You go, Ava!

I like Corgis.

As for me, I got sick of everything and ate barbecue. Whycantilosetheweigh
Which could explain why I'm not lying here under a bullfighter as we speak.

In case you are burning with curiosity, Dick Whitman did eat barbecue like a banshee. From now on, I am just going to assign personality traits to banshees that were never there.

He explained how he eats good things all week then bad things on the weekend. In case you didn't know this, Dick Whitman has the smoking body. This is why I was curious about his eating habits. And he works out every single day and has done so since college.

People who have discipline, like banshees, intrigue me.

In the meantime, Daniel Boone was here doing something to my screen door and assessing that my computer is dusted off. It crashes every 14 seconds and it is annoying. I do not know if you've noticed the part where I am filthy rich now that I live on just my income and have a house payment. So getting a new computer should be NO PROBLEM!

Crap.

I am just saying. If I stop blogging I am probably not dead. I mean, I may be dead from eating barbecue, but probably not. I am from hearty stock. Other than the part where everyone gets cancer. Cancer schmanser.

Puffwitheiffel
So my puffy hair and I had fun. Other than the part where Dick Whitman likes to read directions, look at things at the side of the road, split diamonds, write novels and conduct an orchestra while he drives. Good gravy.

Well. Good gravy only on weekends.

Koozie
Koozie up to your loved ones on this holiday!

109 thoughts on “Could you please arrange to let me keep the change

  1. I was a big June and Dick fan two months ago. Still am. Especially now after knowing hot Dick works out everyday.

    Like

  2. (writing this before reading the other comments that probably are about how great you look in that photo)
    …now I understand why Dick the Photographer was saying that your other photos do not do you justice. Though you usually look very pretty in them…wow.. that last photo where you are waving with your puffy hair? He caught your Milk Maid skin and sky blue eyes. You too have a natural “old Hollywood” glamorous look too..just like Ava.

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  3. I’m the iced tea maker around here. I make it the old fashioned way. Boil water in a pan, remove pan from heat, put in tea bags, set timer, then pour water sans tea bags into pitcher filled half way with water and ice.

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  4. I’m the iced tea maker around here. I make it the old fashioned way. Boil water in a pan, remove pan from heat, put in tea bags, set timer, then pour water sans tea bags into pitcher filled half way with water and ice.

    Like

  5. I’m the iced tea maker around here. I make it the old fashioned way. Boil water in a pan, remove pan from heat, put in tea bags, set timer, then pour water sans tea bags into pitcher filled half way with water and ice.

    Like

  6. From what I can tell, it spills water all over your counter is what it does.
    I don’t personally drink iced tea or use the iced tea maker, but I think what happens is it brews tea similar to how a coffee maker brews coffee, then it flows out a spout into a big jug that you have filled with ice. Or, in our case, some of it goes in the jug and the rest of it goes on the counter.
    Not that I’m bitter.
    As a cultural northerner, if I want iced tea I brew “tea” (actually probably red zinger) in a teapot, and then I either pour it over ice or I stick the pot in the fridge. Personally I don’t see the necessity of a machine. But then I also use Folger’s singles instead of a coffee maker.

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  7. Sadie - I don't know how to answer "how dilute is your tea?" because it is personal taste. I make the tea more concentrated when I make iced tea, but it is not really strong. Since I don't sweeten it, I guess I like it a little milder. says:

    Amy, I use a 2 qt pitcher that I probably actually fill 1/3 with ice and water before adding the hot tea. When I want to drink hot tea, I make it in a teapot using loose tea and don’t dilute it.

    Like

  8. Sadie - I don't know how to answer "how dilute is your tea?" because it is personal taste. I make the tea more concentrated when I make iced tea, but it is not really strong. Since I don't sweeten it, I guess I like it a little milder. says:

    Amy, I use a 2 qt pitcher that I probably actually fill 1/3 with ice and water before adding the hot tea. When I want to drink hot tea, I make it in a teapot using loose tea and don’t dilute it.

    Like

  9. Sadie - I don't know how to answer "how dilute is your tea?" because it is personal taste. I make the tea more concentrated when I make iced tea, but it is not really strong. Since I don't sweeten it, I guess I like it a little milder. says:

    Amy, I use a 2 qt pitcher that I probably actually fill 1/3 with ice and water before adding the hot tea. When I want to drink hot tea, I make it in a teapot using loose tea and don’t dilute it.

    Like

  10. lol, thanks June! XO back at ya.
    Hey Sadie, I make my iced tea that way too except I put the ice in the glass. Maybe I’ll try it your way, that sounds fancy!

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  11. May I ring in with a vote for iced coffee? Creamy iced coffee, with a dash of Starbuck’s Double Shot.
    Sorry, carry on, Southerners.

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  12. Are those Ava Gardener Drink Koozies? Are they pickled? (Hulk, isn’t pickled okra more gross than pickled asparagus?) Or are they Alice in Wonderland koozies and you’re supposed to drink them?

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  13. Texas Kari - how is it possible that there are mosquitos when we've had NO RAIN for months and months? We're in a drought with water restrictions, FTLOG! says:

    Lisa Pie
    We’ve got fires north of us by about an hour. It’s piney woods up there. I’m in the big city. It is quite smokey though outside. Smells like a campfire. You are much closer to those big Bastrop fires, right? Hope you are ok, too!
    Additionally, I have an ice tea pot and I use it all the time. I heart it so bad probably because it never spills on the counter.

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  14. Texas Kari - how is it possible that there are mosquitos when we've had NO RAIN for months and months? We're in a drought with water restrictions, FTLOG! says:

    Lisa Pie
    We’ve got fires north of us by about an hour. It’s piney woods up there. I’m in the big city. It is quite smokey though outside. Smells like a campfire. You are much closer to those big Bastrop fires, right? Hope you are ok, too!
    Additionally, I have an ice tea pot and I use it all the time. I heart it so bad probably because it never spills on the counter.

    Like

  15. Texas Kari - how is it possible that there are mosquitos when we've had NO RAIN for months and months? We're in a drought with water restrictions, FTLOG! says:

    Lisa Pie
    We’ve got fires north of us by about an hour. It’s piney woods up there. I’m in the big city. It is quite smokey though outside. Smells like a campfire. You are much closer to those big Bastrop fires, right? Hope you are ok, too!
    Additionally, I have an ice tea pot and I use it all the time. I heart it so bad probably because it never spills on the counter.

    Like

  16. Iced tea makers, cake pops, how am I supposed to keep up?
    Sadie, I brew mine the old way, too.
    Leaving on a jet plane in the morning for Rocky Mtn. National Park. I am going to wear my baseball cap with bear prints all over it because if a bear eats me people will say it was so ironic.

    Like

  17. Oh! Oh! I have a Dancing with Bears shirt! I could make national news if I got mauled to death by a bear while wearing that! Fun, huh?

    Like

  18. Does anyone drink regular (sweet) tea? Mind you, I don’t like tea so sweet it’s like syrup, but I like just a hint of sweet with lots of ice and with fresh lemon. I’m the tea maker that spills the tea on the counter.
    TX Kari I just read there were over 400 homes that burned as a result of the fires in TX. I hope TX gets some rain soon.

    Like

  19. Oooh, Rockies, very exciting PJ!
    I love iced coffee but I am terrible at making it. Apparently you can’t just make a cup of Folger’s and pour it over ice.
    Thai iced coffee, that’s a thing to swoon over.

    Like

  20. Texas Kari - how is it possible that there are mosquitos when we've had NO RAIN for months and months? We're in a drought with water restrictions, FTLOG! says:

    Tee,
    I think the really big fires are up by Lisa Pie near Austin. I’m not sure where the other Texas Pie People are. Thanks for your concern and YES we could use some rain. In an unusual move, people around here were HOPING for the storm that went to Louisiana. No such luck. Finally this weekend the temperature held below 100 degrees in the afternoon. First time in over a month.
    When I want sweet tea, I buy Diet Arizona Green Tea. It is sweetened with honey and it is divine! When I make tea at home, I use flavored tea like blueberry or raspberry and it already tastes kinda sweet. No sugar needed.
    I could never imagine there was this much to discuss about TEA!

    Like

  21. Texas Kari - how is it possible that there are mosquitos when we've had NO RAIN for months and months? We're in a drought with water restrictions, FTLOG! says:

    Tee,
    I think the really big fires are up by Lisa Pie near Austin. I’m not sure where the other Texas Pie People are. Thanks for your concern and YES we could use some rain. In an unusual move, people around here were HOPING for the storm that went to Louisiana. No such luck. Finally this weekend the temperature held below 100 degrees in the afternoon. First time in over a month.
    When I want sweet tea, I buy Diet Arizona Green Tea. It is sweetened with honey and it is divine! When I make tea at home, I use flavored tea like blueberry or raspberry and it already tastes kinda sweet. No sugar needed.
    I could never imagine there was this much to discuss about TEA!

    Like

  22. Texas Kari - how is it possible that there are mosquitos when we've had NO RAIN for months and months? We're in a drought with water restrictions, FTLOG! says:

    Tee,
    I think the really big fires are up by Lisa Pie near Austin. I’m not sure where the other Texas Pie People are. Thanks for your concern and YES we could use some rain. In an unusual move, people around here were HOPING for the storm that went to Louisiana. No such luck. Finally this weekend the temperature held below 100 degrees in the afternoon. First time in over a month.
    When I want sweet tea, I buy Diet Arizona Green Tea. It is sweetened with honey and it is divine! When I make tea at home, I use flavored tea like blueberry or raspberry and it already tastes kinda sweet. No sugar needed.
    I could never imagine there was this much to discuss about TEA!

    Like

  23. $1.50 at my Starbucks Anita. (No I don’t own it. I just possess it in a satanic way.) But I’m sure the price varies by location. They are a delicious little treat. I first learned of the cake pop from bakerella. She blogs. I read. That’s the extent of our relationship.
    Iced coffee is my obsession. Cold brewed iced coffee with a splash of cream. It’s my life blood.

    Like

  24. Cake pops always kind of disgusted me because I somehow associated them with those nasty cupcake-in-a-cake-cone abominations that mothers used to send their kids to school with on birthdays. I HATED THOSE. WHO thought it was a good idea to put dry cake into a dry cone and send it to elementary schools? I am shocked that we did not all choke to death on the crumbly aridness of it all.
    Um. And before that rant I was just going to say that those non-blurry photos up there are something, and I would like to try straight up moonshine. Anybody had it?

    Like

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