In which June stays on one topic, as per usual

I did my usual routine this a.m.–

1. Edsel bounded up to show his teeth to the alarm,

2. everyone got in my effing way while I tried to get out of bed,

3. everyone continued in my way as I ambled down the hall,

4. I made coffee and was alarmed by the machine's alarm

–and as usual thought, "What Ima blog about today?"

You know those scary movies where they have many voices whispering at the same time? That is what went on in my head, including a maniacal laughter in the background.

So this will be one of those many, many topics kind of posts.

Topic the first

Lutheperv I am used to Edsel chewing my underwear, but Tallulah? Although it appears she is merely cuddling with them. Also, am depressed as this underwear looks huge.

Topic the deux

When I was in my home town for that (wait for it) Indian wedding (yes! She mentioned it again. Hand five bucks over to your friend), my mother and stepfather and I went to an estate sale. All I bought was a copy of Chelsea Handler's Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. Because I am deep.

My point is, I have to put the book down after about 15 minutes of reading, because I always end up laughing so hard I burst something. Last night she was complaining about a friend building the anticipation about a birthday gift she had bought for Chelsea. She went on and on. "It was like she had found me a vibrator that also makes tacos," Chelsea wrote.

Seriously, I thought I would never draw breath again.

Topic twaaaa. I am annoying with "twaaaa." I am like people who think it's "waaa laaa" and not voila.

I really wish I could tell you how much it annoys me when people write "waa laa." Anyway, I just got a new topic based on something I said above. Happily for us all, I will not be mentioning vibrators and tacos again. Except I just did. My POINT is they ("they") should come up with a word that means "my regularly scheduled parent and my stepparent" that is like saying "parents" but is a different word.

I'm a busy executive. I have no time to say "my mother and stepfather" all day.

Fourth topic. Same as first. A little bit louder a little bit worse.

Anon Daniel Boone and I drove past this church the other day with this subtle sign. Keeping the anonymous in al-anon.

Five! Topic five!

Beeeater Those of you who are Facebook friends with Tallulah (she is Tallulah Gardens if you want to try to friend her. She is super persnickety about who she allows in her highfalutin' lair) already saw this photo of my insane girl eating bees. She would not stop trying. Clearly the thought of making me rush her to the emergency vet with anaphylactic shock was her Labor Day goal.

Topic of Cancer

Also? You know how I detest it when people say, "He THINKS he's a lapdog" or "He THINKS he's a person!" about their pets?

I think Roger might think he's a dog.

Get in line to bitch slap me.

But really. When we go on our dog walks? Every day he tries to walk with us. He just starts trotting down the road. And yesterday? I was playing fetch with that in-need-of-Ritalin Edsel? And every time I tossed the spitty plastic toy, Roger would run alongside Edsel to get the toy. It was the cutest thing.

Topic 7.

Be sure to say to me, "Why didn't you get a picture of that, June?" Because I love it when you expect me to live MY WHOLE LIFE thinking about this blog.

I eight the topic.

Happyeds That climb up Mt. Christ When Will This End or wherever we were the other day? Was exhausting. Do not know if I mentioned that. However, Edsel tore up that entire mountain, then tore back down, then Daniel Boone played with him in the yard when we got home.

And he still had energy.

Someone please take me back in time to last year, when I said, "Oh, I need a puppy!"

Ismakingmewaititskeepingmewaiting Here are the dogs seconds before we were leaving. Portrait of dog smiles.

Whatever number topic we're on.

Squint Just so I don't have to hear it from the cat people–and how DO you fit your tail in your cubicles at work?–here are R and A reacting to my new camera with flash. Pleased with me, is what they are. And yes, that IS Pantene conditioner on the kitchen counter. I like my dishes to be silky.

Note that my clock still reads 7:26.

I would like to remind the crowd, which I just accidentally wrote as "crows" and am cracking self up, that Roger is YOUNGER than Anderson. And yet? He is still a puma. His bigness is almost scary.

Topic 929490202

I watched two pertinent shows yesterday: the all-day-long episodes of the Kardashians and also that hard-hitting, touching-on-all-the-issues-of-our-time Real Housewivs of Beverly Hills. Both were enormously satisfying.

I like the guy Kim Kardashian is going to marry. I guess she did marry him. Whatever. Anyway, all of those women seem to marry decent men. Well. That Kourtney knows how to pick 'em with that sleazy Scott. But otherwise.

And you know what depresses me? Is that I know all this about the Kardashians.

Moving on to my deep Housewives show, I really do not get the whole little-dog-wearing-clothes thing. Do you know why I like dogs? Because they are dogs. Not mute teeny hairy humans.

Topic .0008

Speaking of which, I should go groom for work. Get my underthings from my dogs and get dressed. Maybe I should get bigger dogs so my underthings look smaller…

 

148 thoughts on “In which June stays on one topic, as per usual

  1. No wonder you can climb straight up the side of a mountain or a rock blowing in the wind.

    Like

  2. No wonder you can climb straight up the side of a mountain or a rock blowing in the wind.

    Like

  3. No wonder you can climb straight up the side of a mountain or a rock blowing in the wind.

    Like

  4. Texas Kari who is not all that excited about Hello Kitty, but IS excited about frozen yogurt right near my daughter's school. Convenient! says:

    JUUUUUNE!
    Today I found a Hello Kitty yogurt shop and thought of you immediately! It’s called Yogurtland. You get a cup with HK scenes all around it and a special pink character shaped spoon!! And. And. And it’s not a little kid place. It’s a totally respectable yogurt shop with lots of yummy choices, some healthy, some notsomuch. Today I had Red Velvet Cake Batter flavor.
    Hope you have one nearby.

    Like

  5. Texas Kari who is not all that excited about Hello Kitty, but IS excited about frozen yogurt right near my daughter's school. Convenient! says:

    JUUUUUNE!
    Today I found a Hello Kitty yogurt shop and thought of you immediately! It’s called Yogurtland. You get a cup with HK scenes all around it and a special pink character shaped spoon!! And. And. And it’s not a little kid place. It’s a totally respectable yogurt shop with lots of yummy choices, some healthy, some notsomuch. Today I had Red Velvet Cake Batter flavor.
    Hope you have one nearby.

    Like

  6. Texas Kari who is not all that excited about Hello Kitty, but IS excited about frozen yogurt right near my daughter's school. Convenient! says:

    JUUUUUNE!
    Today I found a Hello Kitty yogurt shop and thought of you immediately! It’s called Yogurtland. You get a cup with HK scenes all around it and a special pink character shaped spoon!! And. And. And it’s not a little kid place. It’s a totally respectable yogurt shop with lots of yummy choices, some healthy, some notsomuch. Today I had Red Velvet Cake Batter flavor.
    Hope you have one nearby.

    Like

  7. Oh c’mon…
    We’re just razzing each other.
    Besides, one of my best friends in high school was named Jane…

    Like

  8. Oh c’mon…
    We’re just razzing each other.
    Besides, one of my best friends in high school was named Jane…

    Like

  9. Oh c’mon…
    We’re just razzing each other.
    Besides, one of my best friends in high school was named Jane…

    Like

  10. Sorry, radio is full of Freddie today and couldn’t resist:
    June you’re a girl make a big noise
    Playin’ on the internet gonna be a big girl some day
    You got a smile on yo’ face
    You win first place
    Kickin’ your Edsul all over the place
    We will we will Pie you
    We will we will Pie you
    Junie you’re a young girl
    Doin’ the insane workout gonna take on the world some day
    You got a smile on yo’ face
    You win first place
    Wavin’ your buttons all over the place
    We will we will Pie you
    We will we will Pie you
    Hulk you’re an old man poor man
    Pleadin’ with your eyes gonna get you a piece some day
    You got mud on your face
    You big disgrace
    Somebody better put you back in your place
    Jane will Jane will rock you
    Jane will Jane will rock you

    Like

  11. I had a cat that played fetch with mini Troll Dolls. You would launch the doll and she’d come trotting back with just the hair from the Troll in her teeth.

    Like

  12. We always whistled for my cats. We never had a cat that would fetch, but we did have one that would play catch with pine cones.
    Loved the dogs smiling and the sweet kitty faces.
    The wall phone doesn’t work?!

    Like

  13. Kathy Griffin’s, “Official Book Club Selection” her memoir, is also very entertaining.

    Like

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