Because of Edsel (aka Bless Your Heart)

Last night I got up with Dick Whitman and his friends, and we went to some kind of extravaganza. They closed off the street, and had fire dancers (I am not even making that up) and servers walking around with trays of food, and there were 839400202 people there, because?

A bakery opened.

No, really. It was the most fuss for a bakery you have ever seen. It was a cool bakery, though, and they serve wine. So you can get you a piece of cake and also wine and be on a sugar high for 14 hours.

And by the way, who wants to be a fire dancer now? This woman with the best body possible, I mean other than mine, was parading around with a lit bullwhip, as you do, and then this thing that looked like she had eight burning marshmallows. She'd, you know, lie back on the street and wave the bullwhip around, and swing her marshmallows to and fro.

I can't even get Shrinky-Dinks out the oven without burning the crap out of my hand. Part of the reason is that I own no potholders. Edsel ate them all. Mom, next time you're at TJ Maxx, which will probably be in the next 45 seconds, will you swing over to the potholder section? See if they have Edselproof ones.

At any rate, I was so mesmorized and kind of crushing on fire-dancer-with-good-body that I didn't think to take a picture. You know when I finally thought to take one? When we were getting ready to leave.

Hateclowns
I wonder if there's anything more annoying than a clown.

Although when the man fire dancer (who I barely noticed because you totally should have seen this chick, and how irked are you getting that I took no photo?) put on some kind of white mask? Dick Whitman said, "Let's hope there's no mime-ing that's going to happen."

And he raises a good point. Mimes. More annoying than clowns. Can you put that on my tombstone, along with, "She had no potholders because of Edsel"? Actually, just put "Because of Edsel" on my tombstone. I guarantee you it will somehow be his fault that I am feeling the silk.

I liked Dick Whitman's friends. They were complaining about somebody or other, and every time Dick W gave an example of this person's annoyingness, he'd say, "Bless her heart." He didn't even notice he'd done it, and since everyone at the table was Southern but me, we talked about what a phony-ass, Southern thing that is to do.

In LA we'd have said, "Her energy was negative."

In Seattle we'd have said, "Whatever. Is there any dark beer?"

In Michigan we'd have said, "She's differnt."

That's what people do in Michigan when they don't like something. And they pronounce it like that–diff-ernt. People in Michigan don't dare show a lot of emotion, so you can't rage on or burst into tears or flail your arms around about something you don't like.

You can see why I never fit in there.

So you have to kind of shrug and say, "Well, that's differnt."

I wonder if there's anything that bugs me more. Other than clowns and mimes. And those Bluetooth headsets. And people who have kids over a year old who tell you their age in months. "He's 142 months."

At any rate, I have to go to work and then catch my mime school class after. Tomorrow I go to a VERY SPECIAL PLACE for the weekend. Which I will tell you about before I leave. As a hint, I will tell you I am a REAL WIENER for getting to go to this VERY SPECIAL PLACE.

Now you think I am going to Sonic headquarters. Would that I were…

P.S. I just went on Pie on the Face, the Facebook page where y'all all talk about me, and Faithful Reader Anita just made this photo of Hulk and me, being rich.

Hulknjune Hulk rocks the Thurston Howell look, doesn't he? It is a shame about my neck. (In case you don't read the comments, Hulk has been offered a fancy job, and gold-digger June, here, offered to be his new wife. WHICH HE HAS IGNORED. I won't be IGNORED, Hulk.)

140 thoughts on “Because of Edsel (aka Bless Your Heart)

  1. LISA, LISA, LISA!
    Comments are fleeting! Branded? June called me a NUMBSKULL not long ago, and I’m still here. I did not intend to create drama. Based on the comments above by June and Mother’s friend (or Mother herself), everyone is fine.
    Get that tail waggin’, gal. And call me a name or something.

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  2. Ugh. I guess I don’t get it. You thought someone else’s feelings would be hurt (sorry Mother if they were. I really, really meant it in a good way. I’m not sure how to interpret my comment any other way, but maybe in addition to tacky, rude and bitchy, I am also dense.) so you called me, well you know. Which is so opposite of who and what I am. Well, I am occasionally tacky, but not on purpose. But bitchy and rude – definitely not me and guaranteed hurtful, right there.
    Now I am left to ponder my very existence. And since this is at the end of yesterday’s comments, I will forever be branded thusly for all catching up readers to see. Sigh.
    More slinking. More tail.

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  3. If you think June is dramatic, you should travel
    with Mother. She is crushed, sulking in
    the corner and seeking out food. NOT

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  4. If you think June is dramatic, you should travel
    with Mother. She is crushed, sulking in
    the corner and seeking out food. NOT

    Like

  5. If you think June is dramatic, you should travel
    with Mother. She is crushed, sulking in
    the corner and seeking out food. NOT

    Like

  6. Lisa, I did get in a huff, just thinking that Mother’s feelings would be hurt reading your comment, but we are all fair game here, so I guess she is too. I think of her as the Queen Mother. Is all.
    Cyber-shake?

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  7. Letha… Did you mean me? Because I was totally serious. If it sounded tacky, bitchy and rude then I missed the mark.
    Slinking off, tail between my legs…

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  8. I love how Mother knows to tell us she’s on her friend’s computer…so savvy!
    My mom used to ask me “how did you know where to call me?” when she first got a cell phone.

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  9. I looked “The Princess Bride” up on the movie listing on my tv. It is on one of the HBO channels every day for the next week. I WILL watch this movie all the way through.

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  10. This is Mother speaking on my friend’s computer. We are in Northern Michigan. The people up here are really differnt.

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  11. So June’s riding the weiner this weekend? Is that what ya’ll are saying? I am so confused. I hate work and missing the party at the Pie. Why can’t I land the richie rich job?

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  12. Ok, y’all are cracking me up today. I live in “bless her heart, she just wasn’t raised better” territory. It’s annoying!
    The “casterbating” talk is reminding me of a psychology professor I had in college who told our class that her nine year old son liked to sleep naked with cat. Bizarre-o!

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  13. I’m so glad you were able to get it worked out. Family gatherings are so important. Especially as we get older. The last few months of my mom’s life she could not negotiate our front steps, we didn’t have a ramp, so I know what you are going through.

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  14. Okay, June.
    Three things:
    We don’t say ‘differnt’ in the big mitten. I don’t know anyone who does. NOBODY.
    And we’re certainly not all stoics here, either.
    And you fit in beautifully everywhere you go.

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  15. “June’s caturbating readers’ wieners.” Love it, Jan.
    I lived in MI for 9 yrs. and got the “diffrent” comments aimed at me many times.
    I’ve never lived in the south but when I have heard the “Well, bless your heart”-type comment, I find it somehow particularly insulting. I think I’d prefer “You’re a crazy fucking bitch” to “Well, bless yer little heart!”
    The photo as the Gilligan’s Island peeps is too funny. Hulk looks SO right like that, it’s frightening.
    When I read June*’s first line, I thought she meant she WOKE up with the men…

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  16. Heather, bless her heart, is a life saver. No not the fruity kind. The kind that makes excellent suggestions. Dad agreed to go and now we’re cooking with gas.
    The bride’s mother is not as frazzled as I am due to the fact her parent are in their late 60s. The kicker is bride’s mommy is older than me.
    Now back to June’s regularly scheduled blog programming.

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  17. My plan for Sunday afternoon is to go read the past three weeks worth of the fan page on the face. Things go on there and then are discussed here and then I’m all WTF?
    I’m hungry for cheesecake now. And could not stop thinking about June caturbating reader’s weiners and was feeling a bit uncomfortable but oddly intrigued when Jane came in with her Fuzzy Grandma! Thank you Jane. I was starting to feel a little, um, anxious. Psst… I think Siren’s talking to Fuzzy and Hulk. Watch your back.

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  18. June,
    Are you going to DisneyWorld? It’s a VERY special place. Just ask Original Joann.

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  19. Duffylou, I hope your dad feels well enough tomorrow to attend the wedding. Is the bride’s mother stressing as much as you?
    Furry, aren’t you and Terra the photographers for a wedding tomorrow? Good luck and hope all goes well for you, too.

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  20. Maybe I work too hard trying to ‘get’ your titles and therefore make huuuuggggeee leaps that just aren’t there, but is your title in reference to the book Because of Winn Dixie?
    Also too, I am envious of those of you who have figured out where Wienerland is this weekend. I am clueless. Have a special time.

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