Old and bling

This computer has crashed already this morning, and I hadn't even officially STARTED blogging yet.

I hate hate hate this computer. I wonder if I have mentioned that?

The good news is, I'm getting another one. There is this fabulous thing called credit? And I applied for some? And I'm getting this:

Oh, forget it. Trying to show you made the computer crash AGAIN.


Trust me. Am getting another computer. Enough said.

I went with Marvin to computer shop, as you do. It's traditional to shop for computers with the man who left you. On the day you had surgery. While you were unemployed. And did I mention he went on a DATE the day he left me? While I was having surgery? Go, Marvin.

Nevertheless, this weekend when I went to see the Doxie, he had told me he was going to a (stupid) car show and could not dogsit, so I got my friend Hibiscus Wilson to do it. You can imagine Hibiscus' surprise, then, when she got to my house and there was Marvin.

"Marvin is here," she emailed me.

"What gives?" I asked Marv, because it's 1959 in my head. "I felt bad about the dogs, so I decided to dogsit." I have no idea how Marvin's mind works.

The POINT is, he was stuck here all weekend with this effing effing assy effing computer that is effing, and he felt my pain. This thing is officially ludicrous.

"Let's go to Office Depot first," he said, even though I wanted to go to the Apple store. But you know how I am. The OFFICE DEPOT KITTIES are there.

Look! There's Inkjet, and Mousepad, and Sharpie! There were many others around, too, because as you can kind of see, a woman was there feeding them. Naturally she and I got into a 20-minute talk about the kitties, who I recently called "cattens" when I was telling their story to Daniel Boone, and he said, "I'm going to pretend you didn't just say 'cattens.' "

Whatever. Anyway, you can imagine Marvin's patience while we droned on about the kitties. Who by the way have already been captured, neutered, and released. By other insane people such as myself.

The computer part of Office Depot was boring.

Then finally we went to the Apple store where absolutely no apples were sold, not even a green one. Not even Gwynneth Paltrow's  daughter. And anyway Ima try again and you know Ima get mad.

Yay, look what I did! I was able to go to another page, click on an image, save it to my desktop and put it here WITHOUT CRASHING THIS #$#&#&@&@# computer. This computer of many ampersands.

Anyway yes. This is what I'm getting. I wanted fast and I wanted big. Because I am old and blind. I just wrote "old and bling" and I love my own self.

After Marvin played at the Apple store for 43889492020234 minutes and I looked at covers for my iPhone because that is the only interesting thing to do at an Apple store other than go to each computer and call up my blog and leave it there in order to drive business to this fascinating tome, we went to dinner.

Behold the artist formerly known as Muffin, eating a muffin. And also bread. Have a carb, Marv. They're very slimming, carbs.

So that was my evening. I wait impatiently for my new credit card so that I may purchase my new computer and have a new experience with writing an entire post without having to scream the F word.

Oh! I almost forgot. When I went up to the first computer at the Apple store and started playing with it, Marvin said, "Let me help you feel more at home. Rrrriowchhhhh chhhhhh! Ooooooo, rowrrrrrrrsccchhhhh!"

That is totally the sound this computer now makes when you type ONE LETTER. It PAINS this computer so that I want it to, you know, work.

Remember that scene in Office Space where they take the fax machine out to a field and just beat the crap out of it?

Get ready, stupid assy effing old computer. We're going for a drive to the country.

P.S. Oh my solid pudding, will I ever leave? I was thinking of revamping Pieces of Wisdom but I am out of questions to ask y'all. What kinds of things should I ask? Your thoughts, please.

231 thoughts on “Old and bling

  1. Pal from MA, I’m sorry to hear about Koty. I smiled while looking at all the photos you posted. He has lived a happy life and was loved by you. Wishing you peace.


  2. OMG! Mr. B goes to all of the local Best Buy stores and sets all of the computers and Ipads and etc. etc. to my blog! Who loves himself too much??
    You new besty friend,


  3. Thanks all of you for your kind words, thoughts and prayers. It means a lot. The BBP family is the best.
    I put a tribute on my blog this morning. It’s sad and funny and tells a good story about our beloved doggies.
    We’ve had Koty almost 13 years and he’s been the best dog anyone could ever ask for. He’s had a wonderful life and we want him to go be with his sister who died 4 years ago.
    It will either be today or tomorrow. We’re just waiting to see when he’s ready. We are prepared.
    Thank you all again.
    Lisa (Pal from MA)


  4. On getting the Mac..you deserve it, you need it, you want it. There..that’s enough reason for me to buy anything.


  5. Pal so sorry about your doggie!
    I actually feel schizophrenic after reading this blog today. Between David Thorne, Pal’s puppy, Marvin the dick muffin, and face tumors, I have been on the Bye Bye Pie roller coaster.
    I swear I would have shoved that muffin where the sun don’t shine, but June, you are a much better person than I could ever be.
    David Thorne rocks, wish I had the nerve!


  6. Siren! Why didn’t I think of the jar thing when I had the chance?! I could be charging, like, 25 cents a peek…..and then maybe I could be the one buying my own Mac right about now! Dammit! I could be profiting off the tumor!


  7. Hulk-
    This is what I heard when ISAIDITREALLYFAST-
    As in MILLER BEER-
    If not- You’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do, Lucy


  8. Ooh, you’re gonna love that computer! And you can take all sorts of random photos with the built-in camera, and it will be about 1,000,000,000,000 (approx.) times faster than your old one, most likely…just guessing from how you describe the pace and the complaints it makes. Bless its heart.
    I’m an Apple fan…you know, if you had any doubts about that…


  9. P.S. Pal from MA, I went to your blog to be all sensitive about your dog and what actually happened is I got TOTALLY DISTRACTED by making the little fish swim around in formation.


  10. That email about David Thorne is the most hilarious thing i’ve read in years!! LOVE!
    And thank you all for your sweet messages and support for me while our dog is going through hell.
    He is the best boy in the world. Go to my blog to see him if you like.


  11. OH MY GOD Amanda, that is a horrible story! Now I feel bad about making jokes about getting pictures. I’m so glad I didn’t make any jokes about how cool it would be to have a baseball-sized tumor in a jar on your desk. Not like any such jokes ever crossed my mind or anything. See? I’m super sensitive.
    Also, I’m never going to be nonchalant about having an achy tooth ever, ever again.


  12. I don’t know who “The 3-dimensional people” are, and what exactly that means, but I figured a sex joke might cheer Hulk up.
    A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
    After having great sex, she spent the next hour just
    rubbing his testicles — something she loved to do.
    As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, “Why do you love doing that?”
    Because, she replied, “I miss mine


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