This computer has crashed already this morning, and I hadn't even officially STARTED blogging yet.
I hate hate hate this computer. I wonder if I have mentioned that?
The good news is, I'm getting another one. There is this fabulous thing called credit? And I applied for some? And I'm getting this:
Oh, forget it. Trying to show you made the computer crash AGAIN.
I HATE THIS EFFING EFFING ASSY EFFING STUPID COMPUTER.
Trust me. Am getting another computer. Enough said.
I went with Marvin to computer shop, as you do. It's traditional to shop for computers with the man who left you. On the day you had surgery. While you were unemployed. And did I mention he went on a DATE the day he left me? While I was having surgery? Go, Marvin.
Nevertheless, this weekend when I went to see the Doxie, he had told me he was going to a (stupid) car show and could not dogsit, so I got my friend Hibiscus Wilson to do it. You can imagine Hibiscus' surprise, then, when she got to my house and there was Marvin.
"Marvin is here," she emailed me.
"What gives?" I asked Marv, because it's 1959 in my head. "I felt bad about the dogs, so I decided to dogsit." I have no idea how Marvin's mind works.
The POINT is, he was stuck here all weekend with this effing effing assy effing computer that is effing, and he felt my pain. This thing is officially ludicrous.
"Let's go to Office Depot first," he said, even though I wanted to go to the Apple store. But you know how I am. The OFFICE DEPOT KITTIES are there.
Look! There's Inkjet, and Mousepad, and Sharpie! There were many others around, too, because as you can kind of see, a woman was there feeding them. Naturally she and I got into a 20-minute talk about the kitties, who I recently called "cattens" when I was telling their story to Daniel Boone, and he said, "I'm going to pretend you didn't just say 'cattens.' "
Whatever. Anyway, you can imagine Marvin's patience while we droned on about the kitties. Who by the way have already been captured, neutered, and released. By other insane people such as myself.
The computer part of Office Depot was boring.
Then finally we went to the Apple store where absolutely no apples were sold, not even a green one. Not even Gwynneth Paltrow's daughter. And anyway Ima try again and you know Ima get mad.
Anyway yes. This is what I'm getting. I wanted fast and I wanted big. Because I am old and blind. I just wrote "old and bling" and I love my own self.
After Marvin played at the Apple store for 43889492020234 minutes and I looked at covers for my iPhone because that is the only interesting thing to do at an Apple store other than go to each computer and call up my blog and leave it there in order to drive business to this fascinating tome, we went to dinner.
So that was my evening. I wait impatiently for my new credit card so that I may purchase my new computer and have a new experience with writing an entire post without having to scream the F word.
Oh! I almost forgot. When I went up to the first computer at the Apple store and started playing with it, Marvin said, "Let me help you feel more at home. Rrrriowchhhhh chhhhhh! Ooooooo, rowrrrrrrrsccchhhhh!"
That is totally the sound this computer now makes when you type ONE LETTER. It PAINS this computer so that I want it to, you know, work.
Remember that scene in Office Space where they take the fax machine out to a field and just beat the crap out of it?
Get ready, stupid assy effing old computer. We're going for a drive to the country.
P.S. Oh my solid pudding, will I ever leave? I was thinking of revamping Pieces of Wisdom but I am out of questions to ask y'all. What kinds of things should I ask? Your thoughts, please.