Who needs to get past her webcam? Who needs to not show you her hair in the a.m.? It is bad enough in the p.m.
Since I have been unable to talk to you for reals, what with this lack of computer issue–did you know I was having computer issues?–there is now so much to tell. I hope you have nothing else to do today.
Okay, so REALLY. First of all, I went on a date with the Fireman the other night, and it turns out I had said something to make him think I was dating Dick Whitman, and that's why I hadn't heard from him in so long. Everybody thinks I'm dating Dick Whitman and I'm really not. I gotta stop having friends who are boys.
I let him pick from four restaurants in this cute neighborhood near me, and he chose the pizza place. "What could be better than pizza and beer?" he said. Sometimes Fireman reminds me of Hulk.
The thing was? It was totally pretentious pizza. The toppings were like goat cheese, cilantro, a beret and asparagus or pistachio, Proust, ennui and modern jazz.
"I was kind of hoping for, you know, sausage and pepperoni," said the Fireman. Did I mention the reminds-me-of-Hulk thing? "We wouldn't have shared a pizza, then," I told him, "as I would never get hooves and snouts on my pizza."
I'm a fun date.
Anyway, we got basil, pistachio, onion and Sylvia Plath on our pizza and the Fireman ordered sweet tea instead of beer. I guess he wanted to stay sober lest he start doing an interpretive dance or something.
Afterwards, we went back to my house to hang, which makes it sound like we went to my house to hump, but I assure you we did not. Mostly because Edsel has bought tickets to Connecticut so he can legally marry the Fireman.
That was not one of those if-gay-people-marry-what's-next-people-marrying-their-dogs jokes. I hate that argument. Because it's such a logical next step. Gee, if HUMANS love each other, surely they'll love animals next! Really, though, if I had my choice of marrying one of my pets or someone who thinks that's a logical argument, I would take my pet.
It was more an Edsel-is-a-total-homo-for-Fireman joke. I mean, that dog smiled, he wagged, he whined, he cajoled, and eventually he climbed up on Fireman's lap and went to sleep. I am not even making that up.
Hey. I may have a new computer but I do not have new photo skillz.
But you guys! I hook up my phone to the NEW COMPUTER? And it says oh, you wanna download these pictures? And then it goes floooooluuup! and there they all are!
So it was a fun date with Fireman, and he said we were not to speak of my hair all night, because he says I am obsessed with my hair–and who wouldn't be? Have you met this hair? But then I was complaining that my bathroom drain is clogged and he said, "Well it's all your HAIR" so HAH! He brought it up first.
Anyway, then yesterday I schlepped out in the rain to take Tallulah to the vet, where we learned she is a trifle—curvy. Rubenesque. Full-figured.
This irks me, because I have been giving her less food, and feeding her twice a day, and I think she is (a) sneaking into the closet and munching on dry kitten food whenever she can and (8) bursting into the back room and finishing Edsel's food. So now I have to put the kitten food in a container, and remember to ALWAYS close the gate while Edsel eats, and geez Louise. I have stuff to do.
Anyway. After finding out my dog was a fattie, I got my car inspected ("Yep. It's a car.") and finally screamed on over to the Apple store.
Could there have been more people there? Could they have been mostly teenagers playing on Facebook? Did that irk me at all, because I wanted to actually BUY an effing computer? And when did Topsiders become cool again?
I did get someone to help me, and they were so EFFICIENT! All the guy at the store does is tap something into a phone, then some other young boy brings my computer right to me from the back room. And I PAID for it using this guy's phone, too. For all I know he was a criminal and he just totally stole all my credit card information.
"Whatever" is a big word with me today.
So now Ima sign off, and go read all your comments, because I know there is a comment of the week I already called, and then I know there are honorable mentions, and can I remember any of them? Will come back and announce the coveted prize when I find said comments.
P.S. Okay. Just Paula–comment of the week (what else is new?). Hulk–signature line of the week. (I know! Now, what now? Is that even a category?)