The “giant slot” drinking game. Oh, snap!

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You see this picture? This fairly boring picture of my cats wrestling? Could you do me a favor and enjoy the CRAP out of it, please?

I came home for lunch yesterday, as I am wont to do, and when the kittens startled their shenanigans I took this picture and thought, This might be cute. Ima take the little memory card thingamabob out my camera and put it in the convenient slot on the side of my NEW COMPUTER.

On the right side of my NEW COMPUTER are two slots. One teensy one for the little square memory card and one giant slot right above it for DVDs or CDs or Sandra Dee or whatever.

Now, see. I could make so many friends-of-mine-who-are-slutty jokes about the giant slot, but you never know who reads this blog. Just recently I got an email from a woman who was the secretary at a place I worked in 1988. "I just love your blog!"

I'm all, "How the Sam Holy Hell did you FIND my blog?"

"I'd heard a rumor you were dead, so I Binged you. And there was your blog!"

Now, I am not in any way insinuating that this woman, who was lovely and not at all a slut as far as I could see, would be the brunt of my hilarious slutty-friends jokes. I am just saying. You never know.

Wait. Why was there a rumor I was dead?

So, there I am, not dead, putting my teensy memory card thingie on the side of my computer, and you know what I did? Do you? WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME, THEN?

I put the teensy square into the GIANT SLOT accidentally. Well. Obviously it was an accident. Because who wants to end up panicking and Googling (or Binging) "How to get teensy card out a giant slot" and reading "You EEEEEEDIOT! Were you DRUNK? How'd you do THAT?" on various sites and so forth? Who? No one.

Is there anything worse than those snooty I-know-everything-about-computers people? I mean, snooty I-know-all-about-grammar people are FINE. Perfectly acceptable. But COMPUTER know-it-alls? Insufferable.

I emailed Daniel Boone, who may or may not be one of those I-know-everything-about-computers people. "Your ineptness with computer things is really cute," he said, the novelty of my personality not yet worn off for him. Then I told him that I also had a dead iPhone, as I may have, you know, dropped it in the toilet this weekend.

I think that was the last I heard from Daniel Boone yesterday.

I went back to work and my boss, who is good with computers and would never stick a teensy card in a GIANT SLOT, said I should (a) try to shake the pee out my computer when I got home and (8) go to the Apple store and say my mom stuck the teensy card in the GIANT SLOT, so that the workers there would not laugh at me.

Shaking the pee out my BRAND-NEW COMPUTER did not work, so I went to the dang Apple store.

And? I also brought my toilet-y dead iPhone.

Why does everything happen to me? Am I JOB?

I looked cool walking in with my huge computer screen while everyone else had a sleek laptop. It was like I was lugging a Mastiff into a roomful of Schnoodles.

For the record, I don't actually know what a Schnoodle is. A poodle mixed with schnoo?

The entire Apple store was filled with 27-year-old sort of nerdy hep males. They all kind of look like they might write for The Simpsons. And I, too, am hep, with my reference to such a current show.

"What've we got here?" a sort of hot Asian guy with horn-rimmed glasses asked me.

"I stuck my teensy card in my GIANT SLOT," I said. "Oh, and here. I dropped my iPhone in the toilet." I slid my phone at him. It was less an iPhone and more of a pPhone at this point.

"Oh, snap," said the Asian, and I now wish to use "Oh, snap" all the time. "Let's set you up with one of our geniuses."

Well, that was nice. That they have geniuses, I mean. Do you have to take an IQ test when you apply there, or…?

So I waited till it was my turn with a genius. I watched a cute little toddler with a pink cast get a crush on this little boy who had a microphone that he kept tapping and saying "Test, test." I mean, he was three, tops. How did he know this move? Is his dad Lenny Kravitz? Also? Welcome to my 1990s references today.

The leg-girl/Kriss Kross romance ended in tragedy once the microphone kid was told he had to leave and he threw himself on the floor and test, tested his mother's patience. Finally the genius, who just looked like a chubby guy with a beard, came to help me.

He got the teensy card out my GIANT SLOT in .007 seconds. He used a piece of tape and went up in there. What a genius!

My phone?

Dead.

Morte.

The fat lady has peed. On her own phone.

So that sucks. They told me I could buy a whole 'nother iPhone or call AT&T and see if I could cancel my contract. Which is what I went home to do after I lugged my Mastiff/screen back to my car.

Oh, one good thing to come of all this is that they had tutorial hints on the wall? And I learned how to do this: a.

Crap!

Wait. aaaaaooooooooooooooo

Crap! According to what I learned last night, you just press down your "a" key and it gives you options of choosing an "a" with various accents over the top. Same with the "o." Why didn't it work? Maybe I'll stick a card in my GIANT SLOT and see if that helps.

Anyway. I called AT&T to cancel my contract and ended up getting a phone that is (a) not an iPhone but (7) is faster (4G instead of the lowly 3G I had) and does pretty much what my iPhone does. For some reason I got it free, AND my monthly payments are lower now, too. So really that did not work out to be so bad.

I was really tempted, when they led me to the website where I could pick out another phone, to get this one that had a gem on it? And when you get a phone call? Or a text? And the only person who ever texts me is Hulk, and usually that's a sext, but whatever. When you get some kind of incoming message? The gem lights up. And it's specifially made so the gem hangs out your purse.

Seeing as I am not 17 nor Pia Zadora (hello, again, '90s), I did not opt for this selection. I got the Intense or the Intrigue or the Interlude or maybe it was called the Fascinate. I don't even remember. All I know is I need a new phone cover because that is very important.

Oh, and if you know me in real life, I no longer know your phone number, as all your info is basically eau de toilette.

So that is the story of why I should not be given electronics. Or indoor plumbing.

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I thought we'd better enjoy this snapshot again. I WENT TO A LOT OF TROUBLE TO GET THIS TO YOU.

Love,

June

P.S. Giant slot

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

93 thoughts on “The “giant slot” drinking game. Oh, snap!”

  1. I too had a recent visit to the Apple genius bar. My iPhone charging connector was corroded, long story involving cat pee on how that happened. Anyhow, in about 15 second my boy genius determined a. I needed a new phone and b. I was not eligible for an upgrade yet so it would be $200. It took me about 5 seconds to say – Ok. I am such an iPhone addict…

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  2. I did the same “giant slot” thing! I emailed my husband in a panic after doing it and he told everyone at his work place. They proceeded to laugh their asses off at me. Glad I could lighten everyone’s day. We had to take the computer completely apart to get the memory card out. Apparently my giant slot is a little more complex than yours. Just saying…..

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  3. This post reminds me of one of the few funny things said at the Charlie Sheen roast.
    “Charlie Sheen is just like Bruce Willis. Had a couple of good movies 25 years ago and now his old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.”
    (Or however you spell his name.)

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  4. On the Comedy Central roast of Charlie Sheen, a young female comedian, who was HILARIOUS, told the following joke: ‘Charlie you’re like Bruce Willis. You were both big in the ’80’s and now you’re old slot is being filled with Ashton Kutcher.’ I may have died.
    The 3 year old at the Apple store made me laugh. I don’t like to brag (oh, wait. Never mind. You all saw my comments about everything I love about myself) but I have a newly turned 3 year old and he is a riot. I don’t want to turn the comment section into Kids Say the Darnest Things but he kills me every day. Monday night we were watching Dancing With the Stars (so kill me. It’s entertaining) and the hostess, Brooke Burke was on the screen. Cam says, “I like her hair. It’s pretty,” and then he said, “And I like her boobs.” He talks about boobs ALL. THE. TIME. And because I am mature and matronly and appropriate, I laugh every time. Apparently I am raising a future Hulk.
    Also his almost 13 year old sister was getting talked to last night because she had a bit of a cocky mouth. We went over some basic family rules and then I asked her who were the bosses in the house, she answered, dejectedly, “You and Dad.” No sooner than she said it, Cam, who was sitting quietly in my lap, said, quite seriously, “And me.” That was it. No more serious discussion about respect and priorities and cocky mouths.

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  5. We either need to bubble wrap all of your ‘electronical’ things or bubble wrap you when you are around them!
    And whilst I am neither 13…I just got my new Dr. Who cell phone charm of the Tardis that lights up and spins around when I get a sext from Hulk or a call from Tobey.

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  6. Ohh my husband has the inspire and he loves it. (I’m just assuming that’s it.) When you link your Facebook, and then someone calls you, it shows their Facebook profile pic and it scrolls their status at the bottom and tells you if it is their birthday. Pretty awesome.

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  7. First time commenting, long-time lurker. Just to say the “a with accents” thingy applies to the iPhone/iPod keyboard only, if you were wondering.
    I have to start reading you on typepad rather than Google Reader again, ‘cos I never get the comments, which are, it is true, so much of an enhancement of the reading experience here… Off to bookmark you!

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  8. Wow, really? That little slot is for camera card thingees? I just connect the cord between the computer and the camera and wait for the thingee to appear on the desktop. I would be nervous taking the card in and out all the time.
    I never noticed that little slot before. Huh.
    Super-observantly,
    Siren

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  9. Hee! Loved this post…test, tested his mother’s patience! Also, the secretary at the old place should e-mail Pia Zadora. I thought she was dead.

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  10. I’m with Siren. I was wondering why you even bother with the memory card, that’s what the little cord thing is for. Right? Or am I an idiot? It’s tough to tell on most days.
    That was a fabulous tale. I would have loved to have seen the Oh Snap guy’s face when you told him you stuck the wrong thing in the giant slot AND dropped your phone in the toilet.
    The last time I was at the Genius Bar, I learned from the tips screen how to regulate the volume on my ipod/computer, so that when I’m playing my ipod on my house’s sound system, all the songs will have the same volume. Although, by the time I got home, that little piece of knowledge had just flitted right out of my brain. Story of my life.

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  11. With the size difference, Roger looks like Anderson’s Pa. Does Roger cry a lot?

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  12. Huh, Googled. That’s what the rags are saying. Demi/ Ashton split in $290 million divorce.
    Does Rog just go around kicking booty all day? He looks like he’s going to be a giant like my Mr. Huang was. 18 elbees of pure muscle.

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  13. holy schlamoley! i knew about the hold-down-the-letter-to-get-the-accents thing on the iphone, but i didn’t know it worked on the computer too!
    i totally just tried it on my laptop (running Lion) and it worked in all the text fields in which i tried it. it’s possible that certain kind of text fields don’t allow it. for instance, if you are writing your posts in html view, it might not work. perhaps in wysiwyg view it would work? or maybe if you’re using a browser that doesn’t do it… anyway, try it in other kinds of text input fields.

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  14. Gawd, June- you are seriously the best part of my day!
    I can hardly wait to have my fix o’ June in the morning, to discover what new hijinks you’ve been up to- (yes, I am 185 with the “hijinks”)
    -pPhone
    -GIANT SLOT
    -and if that wasn’t enough, ridiculously cute kittehs-
    Google “how to accent letters on a mac” and choose Accent Codes-
    Pathetically yours-
    ML

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  15. Well, I can’t say that I’ve ever dropped a cell phone in a toilet, but my deodorant has ended up in there a few times. I feel your pain.
    Oh, the giant slots. You gotta watch out for those.

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  16. Our niece is going to Cornell to study forensic psychology. Every time she opened her mouth on Sunday, all I heard was bloop de bloo. I was better off talking to the cheese platter.

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  17. Jan started it.
    When my 17 year old son was 3 he was sitting in my lap and he told me this.
    “Mom, I don’t play with boobs anymore. But I touch them a lot! I pet them like they’re dogs.”
    I thought that was extremely insightful for one so young.
    OK I’m done.

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  18. A couple years ago, in Japan, the big thing among teenage girls was having jewels put on their finger nails that would light up when their cellphone rang.
    Should I book you a ticket to Japan?
    Don’t ask how I know this.

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  19. Dear June-
    If you won’t do a GD BOOK (again with the seriously-you’ve already done it with your Blog-” Vol.I, Bye Bye Buy”- I WOULD seriously BUY IT AND ALL ADDITIONAL BOOKS-
    Howsabout a COMIC STRIP- “JUNE’S HIJUNKS”
    You would make a baazillion dollaas-
    Yours truly,
    Totally off topic-Hyphen Queen-ML

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  20. John/Father please change your signature to Father John and then everyone will think a priest is reading June’s blog.

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  21. John/Father please change your signature to Father John and then everyone will think a priest is reading June’s blog.

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  22. John/Father please change your signature to Father John and then everyone will think a priest is reading June’s blog.

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  23. Letha, I have no friggin clue! Even if I had asked her, I doubt I would’ve understood the answer. Her father is scary smart with no social skills whatsoever. Her mother is very very smart and great with people. The niece is super scary smart and a total weirdo.

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  24. Heee, not you, Fr. John! My BIL. An engineer (enough said). Doesn’t know to come in from the rain. Uber literal, like talking to a robot. Me (dinner’s ready): “Come make your plates!” Him: “You have a potter’s wheel and a kiln?” Me (in my head): “Shut up, you asshole.”

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  25. Hilarious post!
    Then Just Paula’s BIL with the potter’s wheel! “Come make your plate.” BAAAAH! Too funny!
    My 6 year old son seems very attached to my “boobies.” Thinks they are his own personal pillows. I’m assuming he will outgrow this one day and be horrified by the notion of his mother’s rack.

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  26. Gah. Engineers. Family RIDDLED with them. Yet another reason not to go home on holidays.
    It’s not your family, Paula. All engineers seem to be like that. Because I have suffered their friends as well.
    My rocket scientist brother and his rocket scientist wife spawned a child so bright, that when he was TWO AND A HALF walked into my house and said (very matter-of-factly), “Tia? Your house is very eclectic.”
    *blink*

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  27. She’s only 16 or 17!! Cornell is next year!! There’s no question that she will be accepted so she’s only applying there. I KNOW!

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  28. Delurking to say that, while we’re on the subject of dropping things in the toilet, you’re not alone in dropping important/expensive things in the can. On my honeymoon, one of my birth control pills fell in the pot when I went to take it. For a split second, I considered fishing it out. (I didn’t.) Another time, my nightguard (I’m just as glamorous as you with the TMJ) took the plunge. Sigh.

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  29. Sorry to interrupt the toilet talk and the birth control talk and the talk of annoyingly smart children, but I have an important Mac tip for June that I just figured out my own self. If your wireless mouse starts acting funny, turn it over and look to see if there’s a cat hair sticking out of the little hole. I just pulled a cat hair out and WHAT A DIFFERENCE.
    Helpfully,
    Siren

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  30. My iPhone went for a swim in my son’s bath Monday night. Yes, I said the F word really loud in front of him. Luckily he hasn’t taken to repeating it. I turned off the phone right away and let it dry off overnight. Still going strong today! But for a while there I was envisioning a future where I had to go back to my old phone. Grim.

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  31. I haven’t read all the comments yet as I am at work so not sure someone hasn’t mentioned this – I’ve heard that you can put a cell phone that has gotten wet in a jar filled with rice and it will dry out.

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  32. “I got the Intense or the Intrigue or the Interlude or maybe it was called the Fascinate.” —- Your new phone sounds like lube to me. Or maybe it has an extra-strong vibe feature?

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  33. I have a Blackberry (you, collectively and impatiently: “WE KNOW”) and I have to finagle* the battery out, on average, once a day for a reboot or whatever.
    *Note to self: excellent cat/dog name

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  34. Oh good…I’m not the ONLY person left on the face of the earth that still uses a Blackberry.

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  35. Back to the slot topic – I’ve done the same thing TWICE (little card in big slot). You’d think I’d have learned my lesson the first time. What I DID learn was to hold the iMac sort of tilted over on it’s side and use tweezers to gently pull the card out. Whew! (Just in case you ever, you know, find the little card lodged in the big slot again even though you will be extra careful to take precautions in the future.) I like the slot, myself, since I can never find the camera cable when I need it.

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  36. My comment is not related to this post since I have neither a Mac nor an iPhone, but I’ve been reading Bye Bye Buy just because, and I loved your explanation of proofreading. I am also a proofreader and editor, and am therefore very familiar with EOD (or COB) as well as comments like the following after a particularly busy day: “Why are you so tired out? It’s only reading.” My two fave experiences this week: A request to format and brand a 221-page training manual by EOD (request made at 9 a.m.). When I balked, the requestor said, with all sound reason and complete ignorance, “You don’t have to proof anything. It just needs formatting.” The other was the heading for a corporate menu, which read “Pie’s … Pie’s … Pie’s.” Maybe the desserts belonged to BBP?

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  37. June, I forget to ask earlier, but from something you mentioned, it sounded to me as though you check your emails while on the can.

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  38. June, I forget to ask earlier, but from something you mentioned, it sounded to me as though you check your emails while on the can.

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  39. June, I forget to ask earlier, but from something you mentioned, it sounded to me as though you check your emails while on the can.

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  40. “One teensy one for the little square memory card and one giant slot right above it for DVDs or CDs or Sandra Dee or whatever.”
    June Gardens: Once and future queen of the surreal non-sequitar!

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  41. As a female engineer, I’ll admit to having a slightly offbeat sense of humor at times… but the majority of my friends love my sense of humor and I promise not one of them is an engineer! So not ALL engineers are nerds, geeks, dweebs, etc., or super-smart.

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  42. Loving John/Father! When he delights us with his comments, he always makes me smile.
    My hubby’s uncle is a physics professor. What an (yawn) intersting, (yawn, yawn, sigh) exciting man. When I first met him, two days before the wedding, he asked to see my ring by asking to see the allotrope of carbon. Then he asked me if I knew the temperature at which a diamond would melt, (I didn’t) so I was subjected to an hour long lecture on diamonds. The whole time I was thinking about all the things I needed to accomplish in the next two days and was rethinking marrying into this family and wondering how far into Mexico I could drive if I left right.then and headed south.
    My son asked me yesterday what emulate meant. I explained it to him as I was pulling him out of his car seat, in front of the neighbors who are a bit shiftless. I’m not judging, but I think they might have learned something, too.

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  43. There are exceptions to every rule Sarah. Wish my family were a bunch of rule breakers. But sadly, they are not.
    I know about fifteen to twenty (not all family members) who are like Paula’s BIL. A party full of them is one of my worst nightmares.

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  44. I work at NASA. I stopped going out with folks after work when they refused to stop talking about their experiments. I’d rather eat sushi by myself for the rest of my life than listen to somebody going on about their detector ever again.

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  45. Why would you go TO a lot of trouble? Why not run screaming away from a lot of trouble? I mean really. Or possibly you went THROUGH a lot of trouble, and emerged victorious and did in fact get us that picture of your cats wrestling. Or maybe it’s just that I am Canadian and these things are different up here? Like all the extra u’s in words and also the health care system.
    I am very sad that my non-fruit laptop has no slots of any kind, because my husband is cheap like that. 😦 My laptop is a Barbie doll.

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  46. I’ll take Bruce Willis sunny side up, please?
    Your cattens fur coats are absolutely luxurious.
    Do tell, did the Apple geek give you the Z move when said “Oh snap!” Maybe even a head bob?

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  47. 1. Who is Pia Zadora?
    2. How does anyone retain all of the cords that come with their cameras? Do they also keep the manuals and boxes? I am lucky to still have my camera card.
    3. RE: Boobs My 3-yo kid saw the news item about Nancy Grace’s boob debuting on Dancing with the Stars and asked, “Did she squirt that guy [her partner] with milk?”

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