In which June might bring up her vitamin D and iron levels once or twice

Am writing you on Thursday night. Edsel is outside barking endlessly at nothing, a thing which I am certain pleases the neighbors and endears us to them all. Usually when he does this I get up and make him come in, but I am so exhausted and spent and sad and OVER EVERYTHING that I am sitting here typing like I don't hear it.

I have just had the dumbest day. Some of it I can't even tell you about for various reasons, but some of it I can.

Remember last week? I went to the doctor in order to score Latisse? And they would not give me play? They did, however, take a blood test to see if I had low iron, still, and low vitamin D. Today they called to say BOTH were worse than LAST time they tested me.

Clearly I am dying. Of a vitamin-D-iron-deficiency disease. And if you think trolling around on the Internet and finding diseases that present by giving someone low D and iron, and then emailing me said diseases with, "June, you should know…" is a good idea, Ima come over to your house personally and slap you with my own liver.

So I have to go BACK on the vitamin D and iron pills, which means I will (a) never poop again and (2) be nauseated all the time.

Yay! Those are two of my favorite emotions! Stopped up and sickly!

So that was bad enough. Then we got our flu shots today at work, and of course who wore something stupid so that I could not just push up my sleeve or whatever? I had to practically show the nurse all my worldly goods, there, to get the shot.

Also, I walked in and she extended her hand, so I shook it. Then I said, "You didn't want to shake my hand, did you. You wanted the paperwork."

"True," said the nice nurse, who looked a lot like my Aunt MaryEllen, "but it's very nice to meet you." Then she jabbed me with a needle. After getting to second base with my obstacle clothing.

Probably I will have a reaction to the shot because I am so dangerously low in D and iron. That is probably the perfect storm of things that cause you to turn into a chicken egg or something from a flu shot.

Oh, and speaking of which, one of the Spanish editors told me I need to be cleared today. I work with many Spanish editors, and they all dress in pretty colors, and have good hair, and basically I feel like a white frump with low iron whenever they are around.

"When bad things happen, especially when you get three things in a row like you got," said the editor, "in my culture you go to the voodoo man and get your spirit cleansed."

My best friend Donna and I are going to New Orleans in a few weeks, and if you live there I love you very much but no. We cannot get together for a special moment brought to you by Taster's Choice. Donna has a fancy job and a husband and two kids and the last time we were alone together was senior skip day in 1983. Okay, it was probably two years ago but still.

My POINT is, who's gonna drag Donna to the voodoo shop for some cleansing and purifying? Also, I will have them turn ONE of you into a chicken. You'll just have to wait to see who.

And was that enough? The iron-pooooah-blaaaad and the lack of D and the needing cleared and the getting felt up by a nurse? No. Many more things happened, and as I said I cannot reveal them due to others' privacy and my job security and so forth, but suffice it to say I went to the kitchen? At work? And there was a new Anne Lamont book on the table. There's a table in the break room that means if it's there, anyone can have it. It's where you put your doughnuts, your casseroles, your kids' things he's selling for a ski trip, whatever. And there was the new Anne Lamont book.

"I LOVE ANNE LAMONT!" I thought, grabbing the book. And burst into tears.

Seriously. Am I going through the CHANGE? I mean, I CRIED over a BOOK. I had to run to my cubicle before anyone saw me. Happy I snagged the book, though.

Then after work I had to go to Target to pick up (wait for it) vitamin D and iron pills, and I was headed to the dog food aisle that they might as well just name aisle June, when indeed I heard, "June!"

And I mean I literally heard "June." It was Faithful Reader Jessica, and I don't even know if she faithfully reads anymore, because she hasn't commented in a long time. But she and I have gotten together before, and she has appeared on this blog before, I mean not literally, but her photo has.

I grabbed her and hugged her and (yes) got weepy. "I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU!" I wailed. Her daughter was with her. "HIIII!" I said to the small child. "ARE YOU GETTING HALLOWEEN STUFF?!?!?"

Jessica seemed to draw her kid a little closer.

"I'm sorry," I said, my voice catching. "I've had the WORST DAY. You wanna get together soon!?!??!"

"I hope your day gets better," she said, hurrying off. She practically shuttled that kid under her arm like a football.

So. Little emo lately. Is what I'm saying.

Maybe it's the lack of iron.

Oh! And thanks for delurking yesterday, y'all! Don't be afraid to comment. We are a nice bunch. Just ask Faithful Reader Jessica.

And here.

Photo on 10-20-11 at 8.30 PM #2"why we gotta do this all time?"

Photo on 10-19-11 at 9.57 PM"andersun get revengg. oh yes he do."

If I have a crappy day, the cats have to share in it with me.

Advertisements

Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

268 thoughts on “In which June might bring up her vitamin D and iron levels once or twice”

  1. Don’t Cry Outloud is now stuck in my head with my sinus headache(which I did not get from trying to contact Winnie). The sinus headache came from the craptastic weather we’ve had this week.
    Pamela SS#2-every single time I’ve had a reading of any kind, the reader always told me that I could do what they are doing. Only now at 40, has it come about being able to contact animals. And it doesn’t come about all the time.

    Like

  2. So they’ll never have that cake again.
    Also. Minnie.Ripperton. OooooooooooOoooooooOoooooooooooOoooooooooOooooooooooh.

    Like

  3. Mr. Oh…don’t you have tickets for some long awaited fabuloso concert coming up some month before long? Who was that?

    Like

  4. A quick PSA regarding cleaning your hoo-hah with sage. I used a “natural” deodorant today that has vanilla as an ingredient. I smell like I’m smuggling cupcakes. Odd, but not entirely unpleasant. But, I *think* sage is the main herb in stuffing/dressing, so you might want to consider if you want to smell like that. There.

    Like

  5. Remember sunshine can be found behind a cloudy sky.
    So let your hair down and go on and cry.

    Like

  6. Lurking and laughing out loud. Smuggling cupcakes, stuffin the bird. If this doesn’t cure the hormonal blues I don’t know what will. Except maybe the heroine….but June doesn’t like to puke so that’s not an option.

    Like

  7. You had deodorant that smelled like new doll? did it smell like new plastic shower curtains too? I am so jealous.. what was the name of it. new dolls and plastic shower curtains are among my favorite smells..I once emailed a perfume company [demeter] to ask them if they would consider making that scent, since they make scents like laundry and grass. Alas, they turned me down..
    My iron levels are fine, my vitamin d level is 8 I am barely breathing for cryin out loud AND sorry ladies. post menopause is NOTHING to write home about. like perimenopause, but a little less….
    ps JUNE? you’re a rock star. don’t let anyone let you think you are anything less.

    Like

  8. Suz, I want to say it was some kind of Secret deodorant, but you know how now they make 30404005 kinds. It did have that whole plastic smell. I cant believe Dememter turned you down. They have dirt and funeral home perfume and Play-Doh and they cant make new doll? Fuck them with Melissa Manchesters mom.

    Like

  9. ‘Smuggling cupcakes’! ‘Sage stuffed hoohah’!
    Just Paula, you are killing me!
    I had to scan the comments as I am at work, but this string is a doozy indeed. Full of ‘transvestite babies’ and Andersun getting slapped with June’s liver. This is not the time to stop on random comments. Now ima go back and try to read from the top down. It’s Friday. What else am I going to do? 😉

    Like

  10. Hi, Clever Erin. Welcome back.
    I once worked with a woman who wore a perfume that smelled just like Play Doh. I thought for weeks that she must be playing with her kid before coming to work and they were playing with Play Doh. Asked her about her kid one day. She didn’t have one.
    I hate the smell of Play Doh. Worked with her every day for over a year. All Play Doh all the time. She respritzed at lunch.

    Like

  11. And yes, read Bird by Bird even if you aren’t interested in writing. You will laugh and use what she (Anne L.) says in many other ways.

    Like

  12. OHEMGEE PJ!! I can not believe someone would wear the Play-doh cologne and reapply at lunch. She must be mental-why would anyone want to smell that on purpose! GROSS!

    Like

  13. I love it when chicks say “fuck”.
    Wasn’t Lisa Frank that diary chick?

    Like

  14. I love it when chicks say “fuck”.
    Wasn’t Lisa Frank that diary chick?

    Like

  15. I love it when chicks say “fuck”.
    Wasn’t Lisa Frank that diary chick?

    Like

  16. Sadie - Maybe that perfume reminded her of her childhood. Why else would you want to smell like Play Doh as an adult? says:

    PJ, you should have worn actual Play Doh stuck behind your ears to see if she noticed that you were both wearing the same perfume.

    Like

  17. Sadie - Maybe that perfume reminded her of her childhood. Why else would you want to smell like Play Doh as an adult? says:

    PJ, you should have worn actual Play Doh stuck behind your ears to see if she noticed that you were both wearing the same perfume.

    Like

  18. Sadie - Maybe that perfume reminded her of her childhood. Why else would you want to smell like Play Doh as an adult? says:

    PJ, you should have worn actual Play Doh stuck behind your ears to see if she noticed that you were both wearing the same perfume.

    Like

  19. Truly the worst song of all time is Signs, by 5 Man Electrical Band. “So I took off my hat and said Imagine that, me working for yoooouuuuuu.”
    Makes me puke a little in my mouth.
    And Play Doh smell, double puke.

    Like

  20. The Diary of Lisa Frank
    Takes place during a New Kids on the Block concert while wearing a neon pink sweatshirt with itty bitty unicorns and rhinestones. Talk about the
    Holocaust.

    Like

  21. I can smell Play Doh just talking about it. Ick. Hated the way that stuff got into the carpet. I’m sure she didn’t know she smelled like Play Doh. She must have thought it was lovely.
    Somebody gave me some wonderful perfume once. It was great until I put it on and then it smelled like insecticide.
    I can also smell the smell of a new doll at Christmas just by thinking about it.
    Diary of Lisa Frank.

    Like

  22. Wowzers. I sure have been missing some great stuff…comic gold.

    Like

  23. Wowzers. I sure have been missing some great stuff…comic gold.

    Like

  24. Wowzers. I sure have been missing some great stuff…comic gold.

    Like

  25. My guess is that it is his youth which is dissipated and he’ll never get it back, but who knows?

    Like

  26. I like red red wine…. Bob Marley awesome … I like that me and Marley book…not the awful movie… with that crooked nose guy and whats it Goldie’s daughter

    Like

  27. I like red red wine…. Bob Marley awesome … I like that me and Marley book…not the awful movie… with that crooked nose guy and whats it Goldie’s daughter

    Like

  28. I like red red wine…. Bob Marley awesome … I like that me and Marley book…not the awful movie… with that crooked nose guy and whats it Goldie’s daughter

    Like

  29. I’m 46 and a few years ago found out I have very low iron and very low Vit.D too. I can’t help but wonder if wearing sunscreen like we’re supposed to has fucked with our ability to get enough Vit.D.
    I had horrendous heavy and painful bleeding starting a few years ago, with good ol’ Perry Men O’Paws. I ended up deciding to try the Pill (the one with the lowest estrogen on the market, so as not to exacerbate my migraines with estrogen). I now have few or no periods and my mood is more stable too. All hail the Pill.

    Like

  30. Feck, I have got to get one of those newfangled Iphones or something so I can keep up with the comments through the day-I miss too much but it’s a hoot catching up at night!!
    June- do you remember Mike Reno’s( Loverboy) painted-on red leather pants?
    It’s been a looooong time since he squeezed his cheeks into those sausage casings but he’s been on the Dr.Bernstein diet and is almost ready to bring them out of retirement-
    Glad to see Hulk and Cosmo’s Dad hung in there-kinda like driving by an accident-just can’t look away,eh boys?

    Like

  31. Sadie - Thanks to Just Paula, I have The Lion Sleeps Tonight in my head. Kudos to PJ for explaining the cake in the rain song. I had no idea. says:

    Cosmo’s Dad, I never saw the Marley and Me movie, but I think it was Jennifer Aniston instead of Goldie’s daughter, Kate Hudson in the movie.

    Like

  32. Sadie - Thanks to Just Paula, I have The Lion Sleeps Tonight in my head. Kudos to PJ for explaining the cake in the rain song. I had no idea. says:

    Cosmo’s Dad, I never saw the Marley and Me movie, but I think it was Jennifer Aniston instead of Goldie’s daughter, Kate Hudson in the movie.

    Like

  33. Sadie - Thanks to Just Paula, I have The Lion Sleeps Tonight in my head. Kudos to PJ for explaining the cake in the rain song. I had no idea. says:

    Cosmo’s Dad, I never saw the Marley and Me movie, but I think it was Jennifer Aniston instead of Goldie’s daughter, Kate Hudson in the movie.

    Like

  34. Sadie, you’re right it was Jennifer A. and Owen Wilson in the movie. The movie did not compare to the book, as is so often the case.

    Like

  35. oh,,,ok,,, Kate or Jen… the book was great…movie, not so…
    and I think Kate did a movie with the crooked nose guy,,,(whats his name)

    Like

  36. oh,,,ok,,, Kate or Jen… the book was great…movie, not so…
    and I think Kate did a movie with the crooked nose guy,,,(whats his name)

    Like

  37. oh,,,ok,,, Kate or Jen… the book was great…movie, not so…
    and I think Kate did a movie with the crooked nose guy,,,(whats his name)

    Like

  38. Now that the comments have exceeded 200, I’ll say goodnight.

    Like

  39. Now that the comments have exceeded 200, I’ll say goodnight.

    Like

  40. Now that the comments have exceeded 200, I’ll say goodnight.

    Like

  41. Cosmo's Dad I saw a man who closed his head into the trunk of his car today.. there was blood... couldn't tell its Iron content says:

    Letha & Sadie I bow down (if you’re in do that kind of thing) to you’re awesomeness…

    Like

  42. Anita killed me dead with her cowbell reference! : )
    Also too? I’m shamelessly going to tell you all to go look at my blog to see where June and I spent the first years of our lives! We lived in these wee little houses! In my head my house was sooo big and June’s house was even BIGGER! But they are pocket-sized houses! Amazing!

    Like

Comments are closed.