Where everybody knows your name

Before I begin, I would just like to thank Tallulah for becoming a 6,000-pound LUMP once she gets into bed. A 6,000-pound lump that cannot be budged no matter what you do. Old Ton-ya Harding, over there, was on all the blankets last night and I slept under one-eighth of an inch of sheet in the freezing cold. Thanks, Talu. I enjoy your every fiber right now.

100_0723

Lu sleeped gud. {stretssh.}

Look at that damn floor. How that floor vexes me. I must fix it.

Oh, and also, it's my mother's birthday today.

Go, June's mom. It's your birthday. Gonna party like it's your birthday. Drink Bacardi like it's your birthday. Reference songs from 2000 like it's your birthday.

Later today, mom will be telling me precisely how many phone calls and cards and lunches and well-wishes she got. Yes, she counts. Yes, her best friend and I tell her this is annoying. She tells us annually anyway.

And speaking of Bacardi, I got something to tell you.

Some of you know I don't drink. I mean, you know this because I have said so on this blog. Or you know this because you know me in real life. I have been a not-drinker for a long time now, probably about as long as that stupid birthday song above has been in existence. Before that, I was, you know, quite the drinker. It was my area of expertise.

I do not talk about it a lot because the way I went about not drinking anymore is

ANONYMOUS

and you aren't supposed to go blabbing about it in public. Of course, I'd be more than willing to talk with anyone about it privately via email or whatever.

At any rate, things were going along nicely and I'd be all, "Oh cranberry juice for me, please!" it so on.

Then I don't know if you noticed this, but Marvin moved out and a few months later I started dating. Did you notice that? Did you pick up on that subtle change in my life?

Well. The very first date I went on, which was with Dick Whitman–he is the George Washington of my foray into dating. The Adam. The Kelly Clarkson–I was as nervous as a cat. I hadn't been on a date since Clinton was president. And he hadn't even dated Monica Lewinski yet. I mean, I was tense. So I ordered a Pinot Grigio. I'd never had a Pinot Grigio–that had been invented while I was sober. But Ramona on Real Housewives drinks them like water, so I wanted to try one.

And we were off and running. By the way, Dick Whitman feels personally responsible for me drinking again and that is ludicrous. It's no one's responsibility but mine, obviously. Oh, okay. Dick Whitman, you DROVE ME TO DRINK! It was the orange polka-dot shirt!

And for me, I'm not that dramatic of a drunk. I mean, when my friends got together with me and I–gasp!–ordered a drink, a few said, "Are you okay?" but most said, "I never really thought you were an alcoholic anyway."

Which by the way? If you have a friend who is in a recovery program? Do not say that. Please.

My point is, five months I've been drinking now, and the other night I was on a date. Shut up. I know I'm on a man break. I met a really nice boy, and no, I didn't meet him on Match.com, and I do not want to jinx it yet with details but so far it's like Central Casting has said, "Let's plop down a really excellent boy for June." Okay, he likes Rush. But in his spare time he works with an animal rescue organization. I think the latter cancels out the former.

MY POINT IS, which I know I already said, he and I went out Saturday night and I had one drink with him, and after he dropped me off I drove out in the middle of the night and bought wine at the grocery store. I had negative 16 dollars in checking so I used a credit card.

And it occurred to me. This is not normal behavior. A person does not need to go out late at night to get wine for herself and a person does not need to CHARGE WINE if she is a, you know, normal drinker.

So I called a friend and last night we might have gone somewhere

ANONYMOUS

and what I like about myself is how subtle I am.

Hey! Maybe I should do a corkscrew giveaway! I have a really good one.

So that is all my news that is fit to print.

Photo on 11-8-11 at 9.01 PM #2And by the way, the kittens are recovering just fine. Delighted to be able to be picked up and posing for the webcam again. "dis fun, mom. andersun having a ball."

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

177 thoughts on “Where everybody knows your name”

  1. Good catch, Linda in CO. I went back and read Amish Annie’s comment and died laughing. Buttecream, indeed!

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  2. My mom also counts her birthday cards and calls. But she has it under control. She doesn’t try to slip the marketing/political calls into the count.
    I am just hoping the refrigerators I gotta move have those slidey ball feet.

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  3. Happy birthday, June’s mom!!!
    June, you are awesome and courageous and funny, too. So glad to hear you are handling your issue sooner than later.

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  4. Now I have that song stuck in my head. I hate the Dire Straights or whatever they are called with a passion. I think they are the most useless band ever, just aggravates me everytime i hear that song. And of course that is all that is playing in my head. Sorry if anyone is a fan, but I just hate them !

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  5. so i’m at a math ed conference today & tomorrow (try to manage your jealousy) & so i haven’t had a chance to read comments, but june, i got choked up reading this. so proud of you. not to project or anything, but as an family member of a person who i wish was anonymous, this made my heart so very happy.
    more power to you, friend!!
    (also, you remain beyond hysterical with your post title. can i please be you when i grow up??)

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  6. I haven’t been commenting much these days but I wanted to give you an “Atta Girl” for recognizing that you need Bill W. and his Friends Of.
    Several years ago, I made the decision that being drunk is not something I want to be.
    As Dean Wormer said, “Fat, Drunk and Stupid is no way to go through life.”

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  7. Duffylou - my vices cycle. i only have so much willpower at a time. unfortunately, i've gained 9 pounds in 2 months. says:

    While out this morning I noticed all of the outdoor Christmas tree lots have their stands all set up. They’re just waiting for the tree delivery. Does this signal the beginning of Random Acts of Kindness for the Pie?

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  8. Duffylou, you have quite a bit on your plate right now. (no pun intended) Give yourself a break until you’re moved and settled. I think you’ll be in a better spot to start afresh with maintaining your new healthy lifestyle. No question you have stamina. Proved it with the significant weight loss of recent. Hang tough!

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  9. Amish Annie, yeah, and it's really new too, so you won't find it in any french translation dictionary until next year. says:

    Hey, that was not a mistake. I meant to write buttecream frosting. It’s french.

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  10. My right-side ad just now was for “Meet Real Guys.” And they were all Black guys! Made me snicker, June ’cause I know how you have any eye for the brothers, my brothers (yes…we are all related).
    I, too, also, am a birthday greeting counter. God help my brother (ok, my “for real” brother!) who sent me birthday greetings on HIS FB page. I can assure you, that shit did not count.

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  11. Hulk, keyboardists do it with fingerial dexterity. And the grrrls like that…

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  12. Wow, that is a lot of microwave oven installing going on there. I know June does need one though. I’ll do my best.
    Dammit Jim, I have no ad for hot men of any color. I have an ad for google ads.

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  13. Sandra, I know! That song gets stuck in my head and I hate it, that’s why I changed the words when I heard it today.
    I get one blasted radio station when I travel through a canyon on my way to work – this song was on and I was stuck with it.
    Hulkster – you are the first person I thought of so you got the first mention, shoulda known you’d want a guitar. What is with men always wanting something big in front of their crotch?

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  14. I logged back on to see my ad and it was the same one Pamela SS#2 mentioned. June, sorry you can’t see it.

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  15. I see Duffy’s Napa Valley Rehab, you know, for drug and alcohol rehab. Not one cute guy in sight.

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  16. Way to go, Joon, and so brave of you to put it out there for all of us to read about. I’m glad the babies are doing well after their surgery and that you found a rescue boy to date on Saturday. Will your next blog be Bye Bye, Guy? Happy Birthday to Mom. She’s gonna have so many well-wishers this year.

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  17. muslim ads. for heaven’s sake.
    bah.
    this has been one mess o’crap day today. and i still have 1 1/2 hours to go.

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  18. Now my ad is for alcohol treatment at the Betty Ford Center. She was another brave woman who helped many by her example.

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  19. Happy birthday to your mom! It’s my mom’s birthday today, too. Must be a mom thing.
    And June, I’d like to echo everyone else who’s telling you how awesome and courageous you are. (And I’m crossing my fingers that everything works out for you, guy-wise.)

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  20. june, june, june. when will you learn?
    stay away from those boys who listen to rush or yes.
    thank you for being ANONYMOUS.
    i’m not sure what i’m doing, but i think:
    Attic
    Atticted
    Atticting
    Attiction
    because i once accused my cousin of being a “drug attic” when i was 9 years old.

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  21. Now my Napa rehab is all about hope. Why would you have a rehab facility in Napa? The land of wine and roses? Just too tempting for the rehabbers, one would think.

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  22. Laurie, I am an enabler. Also too, I um, gained 9 pounds back of that 68. I know it’s stress, but I’m the one that pulled in to Burger King today. Then on the same drive home saw an Arby’s and thought, Jamocha shake!
    Next Monday, clean slate. At least I didn’t start smoking again. I’ve just been staring lovingly at them from afar.

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  23. Laurie, I don’t have the cougar in me either. I’ll leave the young men to the young ladies of BBP.
    Duffylou, we are all here for you, cheering!

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  24. Thanks. I quit smoking on St. Patrick’s Day 2006. For some reason the past few months has been the only time during this period I have craved cigarettes. I haven’t given in, though. Anyone want to go to Dairy Queen? Oh, what nine pounds.

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  25. Laurie, I’m in Reno. Snowed last week, mostly in the mountains. You’re in the South, right? I hear it’s “cold” down there.

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  26. Joan, yes in the same town June lives in. It’ll be in the low 30’s tomorrow morning. *shiver* We moved here from Reno. We still have our house on Hidden Valley Drive across from the golf course.
    Love Reno!!

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  27. Laurie, Hidden Valley is such a pretty area. The trees are lovely right now. Summer in Reno, winter in June-ville? When I said “south”, I thought you were the Laurie in southern Nevada. Oops!

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  28. OF COURSE, Anderson’s having a ball. Or not. Since he doesn’t have any now.

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  29. Happy Birthday, June’s Mother!
    We are all cheering you on for the decision you made to stop the not normal behavior. Being the child and grandchild of alcoholics I can attest first hand to the heartbreak and consequences of going down that dead end road. You go girl. Your Mom’s comments so touched my heart.
    Anderson is saying, “go ezy thre mum on squeezing my bak sid.”

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  30. Watching the CMAs, as my sitcoms are pre-empted. So far, looks like the Night of the Too Tight Black Britches.
    Except for Keith Urban’s.

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  31. The meetrealguys webpage didn’t do anything for me. They look like kids. WHERE’S LENNY?
    But I’m glad Sadie saw the ad too, also…or people might start to wonder about me…

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  32. Had to stop watching the CMA awards Letha after the first hour; too boring. And for some reason I can not stand Brad Paisley. He acts so smug all the time. I do think that skit Brad and Carrie Underwood did with the Faith Hill and Tim McGraw barbie dolls was hilarious though! And I kind of have a thing for that chick in Sugarland; she’s hot.
    I am however hooked on this Penn State debacle. One of the worst stories I’ve ever heard ever…and I’ve heard tons of unspeakable stories from my former life.

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  33. Thank you to all of you who sent me birthday greetings. I won’t include them in the official count, but they meant a lot to me throughout the day. THANK YOU again. My husband surprised me with a party tonight at one of our favorite restaurants. My group of friends had been together for three separate gatherings today, only one of which had to do with my birthday, and yet they all came to the dinner tonight as well. It was wonderful. I am a really lucky woman to have such a dear husband who acknowledges my need for attention and such a witty, intellegent, fascinatingly entertaining daughter who is appreciated by so many people, and who received 8 phone calls today for my birthday, 26 cards in the mail and innumerable greeting via my daughters very popular blog. You are a precious gift to me, June. I love you.

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  34. Awww Mother, what a good person you are. And you seem to have a very thoughtful husband as well. And that witty, fascinatingly intelligent daughter of yours is definitely fascinating and intelligent and has us in stitches most times with her wit.
    But really, what kind of cake did you have today? Did it have buttecream frosting?

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  35. Sounds like a lovely day, Mother. Thanks for letting us know, and for sharing that count. Many happy returns!

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  36. June
    Thanks for writing what I needed to read. It’s amazing what a glass or 4 of Pinot will do for you. No one is telling me I drink too much (no you’re not an alcoholic) but I know better. Kroger will miss me Buying 6 bottles at a time to get the 20% discount, because God forbid I get home and there is no cold bottle. I beat breast cancer. I can beat this. Happy birthday June’s mom. You raised a really good daughter.

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  37. June, you inspire me daily to laugh. Lu and Edsul inspire me minute to minute to keep on making up songs for my dog (I accidentally spelled ‘dog’ backward for a sec…freudian slip, perhaps?). Once again I feel very sympatico w/ you. They invented Zuma and all those yummy vodka drinks after I got anonymous. 20 years anonymous now and still…I really wanna try one of those flavored vodkas. haha.
    You go girl. Your blog is good therapy for both of us as well as (from the looks of it) all the other sweet and wonderful kooks out there!

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  38. Happy birthday Mother! Sorry I’m a day late!
    June, when you said the new boy liked Rush, I almost had a stroke. Then I realized you meant the band. Because honestly, the other one is a deal-breaker.

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  39. i come from a long line of anonymous people, and if there’s one thing i know, it’s that you never get over the need to be anonymous. my sister’s on her 4th round of anonymity, and it’s a struggle every day.
    have faith in a higher power if that helps you, but don’t forget to have faith in yourself too. after all, you’re the one doing the hard work here.

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