Happy Thanksgiving! Or for you international readers, have a lovely Thursday!

It's Thanksgiving! I'm up! I do not WISH to be up early on a holiday, and I realize those of you who are grownups have already BEEN up for 109 hours, gutting your turkey or whatever, and believe it or not I have to also too take the innards out my turkey. Can I feed the inside parts to the dogs?

I can Google this, but go ahead and send me hysterical "NO JUNE! YOU WILL POIIIIIISON YOUR DOGS!" comments. I like how dogs can eat strange poop (as opposed to normal poop) and Dortios bags and half-rotten Kongs they find under the shed in the spring but one single grape is gonna murder them dead.

I am going to celebrate this delightful day of giving smallpox to Native Americans with my friend Laurie, who is a faithful reader and also an overachiever. My father was going to come here for Thanksgiving, all the way from Albuquerque just like Bugs Bunny,

 

(I adore YouTube) (what made Bugs Bunny think that orange thing was a flattering ensemble? Also he has the same coloring as Roger. I never thought about that before. And they have the same-sized feets.)

but wouldn't you know I got a statistics textbook to proofread, and I really super extra cannot turn down the extra money at this juncture, so I was all, "Come for Thanksgiving! Right after dinner I have to completely ignore you!" So we decided he is going to come in the spring when his seasonal allergies should kill him, and we are having Thanksgiving in April.

Anyway, this lead to Laurie and me deciding to have Thanksgiving together, and 18 seconds later she emailed me an entire menu, in Thanksgiving-color font, with a turkey gleefully holding up the headline, as if a turkey would be gleefully having anything to do with a menu wherein he was the main course.

MenuI told Laurie I would make the turkey, which was generous of me, seeing as that leaves her with the other 10 items. Why does anyone like me? But since everyone has such low expectations of me, the paramedics had to be called that I even knew HOW to make a turkey.

"You WILL?" she asked.

Then a few days ago, she emailed me to remind me to get the turkey, and I emailed back, all incredulous. "Of COURSE I'll get the turkey. GOD."

I would have never remembered to get the turkey. I would have gotten there and been all, where's the turkey? Aren't we having turkey? Geez, Laurie. I thought you were an overachiever.

So I go to the store, where as you can imagine no people were milling about looking haggard and miserable, and I get to the turkey section and HOLY CRAP was that overwhelming.

They had fresh turkeys that yelled at you and pinched your hind parts, frozen turkeys that had had botox, Butterball turkeys that ate a lot of In-and-Out Burger, store-brand turkeys that were probably cheap for the bargain shopper but that is not me and see above re statistics book and now you know everything that is wrong with me, and Martha Stewart turkeys for $40.

And listen here, Martha damn Stewart. I don't know what kind of entitled rich lady world you live in, but here on planet AMERICA we do not have any FORTY DOLLARS to spend on your stupid turkey–who lived unmoving in a cage somewhere like all the other turkeys–just because you've wrapped it in pretty blue-and-white plastic. You snooty WASP.

So I was overwhelmed. And yelling at Martha Stewart in my mind. When this nice lesbian women came up. And I know it is not nice to stereotype, but, folks, girlfriend was a lesbian. And if she wasn't, she needs to have a good talk with herself about why she prefers a buzz cut and walks like John Wayne.

She stands over next to me, looking at Martha damn Stewart's pretentious turkeys, and I'd like to state for the record SHE DID NOT GET ONE, EITHER, MARTHA, so if you were trying for the gay demographic, good luck, there.

"Do you find this overwhelming?" I asked Buzz LikeGirls.

"I find it expensive," she said. "Normally this breast (stop with the obvious joke, you guys. Geez.) is bloop de bloo dollars, and just because it's Thanksgiving they want bleee dee dee blee."

I was totally bored by the how-much-groceries-cost talk, and also amazed that people make turkeys when it isn't Thanksgiving.

"So, if you make turkey when it isn't Thanksgiving, you can probably tell me. Can I buy a fresh turkey today and it'll be okay on Thursday?"

Christopher Walken-Like-John-Wayne paused, like that was the weirdest question she had ever heard, and I love to read what she is saying about me in her blog. "Well, yes, ma'am. ('Ma'am.' We were the same age if we were a day.) See, here? 'Best by 11/27.' You're fine to eat this on Thanksgiving."

"Well, that's what I thought, but I didn't get why, if you could buy fresh, you'd buy frozen."

I still don't get that. Groceries. They confuse me.

Anyway, I thanked that woman for her help and as I was leaving said, "If I die from eating this turkey, Ima come back and haunt you."

And with total seriousness, she said, "Oh, please don't do that. I have so many people who're already haunting me."

Who wanted to throw her fresh Butterball on the floor and sit right in the refrigerated aisle and hear all about THAT? WHOOOO is haunting this poor woman? Why do people have to say interesting things right when you're leaving?

So, anyway. That was my turkey debacle. And now he is sitting in there waiting for me to reach inside and yank his guts out.

Don't forget to take a photo today and send it to me for my photo project. You have till Sunday to get it to me, and I did that because if you are at your mom's house, she may have no way to email a photo. I mean, that may or may not be the case at my own mother's house, and I was picturing the part where you all go around the table and say what you are thankful for, and you are bursting into tears because you couldn't participate in June's photo project and therefore are thankful for nothing.

At any rate, my email address is on–I think–the right side of this blog. And if it's not it's on the left side, genius. Be sure to tell me what time of day it was for you and where in the world geographically you are.

I am thankful for all of you, my little blog family. Have a happy Thanksgiving. Or Thursday. You international readers are so cranky.

86 thoughts on “Happy Thanksgiving! Or for you international readers, have a lovely Thursday!

  1. Favorite holiday moment today: opening a container of oysters, bobbling the container and sending a goodly spray of raw oyster juice up the backsplash, through the pass-through window, into the sunroom, across the upholstered chair and tile floor where some of it settled into the grout.
    Anybody else have scalloped oysters? Anybody else shampoo upholstery at 11:30 this morning? Annoying is what it was.

    Like

  2. Favorite holiday moment today: opening a container of oysters, bobbling the container and sending a goodly spray of raw oyster juice up the backsplash, through the pass-through window, into the sunroom, across the upholstered chair and tile floor where some of it settled into the grout.
    Anybody else have scalloped oysters? Anybody else shampoo upholstery at 11:30 this morning? Annoying is what it was.

    Like

  3. Favorite holiday moment today: opening a container of oysters, bobbling the container and sending a goodly spray of raw oyster juice up the backsplash, through the pass-through window, into the sunroom, across the upholstered chair and tile floor where some of it settled into the grout.
    Anybody else have scalloped oysters? Anybody else shampoo upholstery at 11:30 this morning? Annoying is what it was.

    Like

  4. Dear June,
    I was happy to see you at the grocery, yes, you and those who comment on your blog haunt me. I do like John Wayne
    Love, Carin

    Like

  5. PJ: we had no oysters. But I tried making stuffed acorn squash, and bobbled the transfer from baking tray to bowl, so the filling went flying. (That one was mine.) And the squash didn’t even taste good.
    Also, I burned the szechuan green beans. And ran out of water in the pan I was using to steam carrots and developed what looked like lava in there. I made honey ginger carrots that just tasted like regular carrots. Hubby undercooked the steaks (a wee bit raw in the middle.) And the sweet potatoes of doom weren’t done in time so they’ll be served tomorrow.
    Not one of my most successful thanksgivings. But the company was good.

    Like

  6. Happy Thanksgiving to all! I finally had a chance to sit down and read and comment and I have my godawful photo montage emailed to June. It’s a good depiction of my day.
    I’m grateful for the chance to share a crappy picture with you all! Now off for a piece of pumpkin pie…..

    Like

  7. I am still full, my pants are unbuttoned and unzipped. And we jumped the holiday gun and watched Love, Actually tonight. I CAN NOT pick my favorite part of that movie, and it gets better every time we watch it. I know everyone has seen it, maybe we should have a discussion day of it here.
    Hope all of you enjoyed your Thanksgiving as much as we did.

    Like

  8. Letha, I LOVE Love Actually! We discussed watching it tonight instead of near Christmas but went with an action flick instead.
    Favorite Christmas movie though is Die Hard.

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  9. Amy, I’m sure I laughed harder at your dinner woes than you did. My sweet potato souffle never souffled. Had sweet potato sludge, instead. But the scalloped oysters were delish!

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  10. Amy, I’m sure I laughed harder at your dinner woes than you did. My sweet potato souffle never souffled. Had sweet potato sludge, instead. But the scalloped oysters were delish!

    Like

  11. Amy, I’m sure I laughed harder at your dinner woes than you did. My sweet potato souffle never souffled. Had sweet potato sludge, instead. But the scalloped oysters were delish!

    Like

  12. Well, by this time I imagine all you lucky Peeps are sacked out on the couch- floor-Lazy Boy- and the turkey farts are ripping the seams
    outa your sweatpants!!
    Sandra-hope you made it through the day without killing anyone and enjoyed that drink!!

    Like

  13. I never knew Love, Actually was a Christmas movie until it was discussed here in the comments earlier this year. I picked it up on sale after that, and tonight we watched it – my parents and I – and loved it! We usually watch Christmas Vacation, but my retail working spouse had to drive to Mississippi for the midnight opening of one of his company’s stores. We just couldn’t watch it without him.

    Like

  14. Sorry. I didn’t get a photo of the day’s festivities. I have a headache after putting up with all the men (including my husband and sons) at my Dad’s house. Do you want a photo of it? Errggghh.
    I did find a good instructional video of how to prepare a turkey. I think “Tante Marie”, the instructor is my kind of cook! It’s called, “Just Put the *%#@ing Turkey in the Oven!”
    http://youtu.be/FBOwG7j3qXk

    Like

  15. Martha damn Stewart, you snooty WASP…..who doesn’t enjoy making fun of Martha?
    I’m so glad you’re doing another Photo Project….enjoyed last years thoroughly.
    Happy Thanksgiving, June & Pie Friends!

    Like

  16. Pamela Soul Sister #2 and I also keep the holiday in perspective out of respect for all of my First Nation brothers and sisters...celebrating a massacre? I don't think so. says:

    I enjoyed this post…and the comments.
    Although there is so much to comment on, there’s no point in doing so because I am the only fool still awake, at least here in the U.S. And I actually have to be at work this A.M. (courthouse open for
    business…crime never sleeps).
    Speaking of “actually,” I’ve never seen “Love, Actually” but I’ve always felt like I was missing something. Gonna add it to my Netflix queue before I log off.
    I’m very grateful for this place, and the people in it. Thank you, June! The turkey story did not disappoint.!
    Happy Thanksgiving to all!

    Like

  17. Pamela Soul Sister #2 and I also keep the holiday in perspective out of respect for all of my First Nation brothers and sisters...celebrating a massacre? I don't think so. says:

    I enjoyed this post…and the comments.
    Although there is so much to comment on, there’s no point in doing so because I am the only fool still awake, at least here in the U.S. And I actually have to be at work this A.M. (courthouse open for
    business…crime never sleeps).
    Speaking of “actually,” I’ve never seen “Love, Actually” but I’ve always felt like I was missing something. Gonna add it to my Netflix queue before I log off.
    I’m very grateful for this place, and the people in it. Thank you, June! The turkey story did not disappoint.!
    Happy Thanksgiving to all!

    Like

  18. Pamela Soul Sister #2 and I also keep the holiday in perspective out of respect for all of my First Nation brothers and sisters...celebrating a massacre? I don't think so. says:

    I enjoyed this post…and the comments.
    Although there is so much to comment on, there’s no point in doing so because I am the only fool still awake, at least here in the U.S. And I actually have to be at work this A.M. (courthouse open for
    business…crime never sleeps).
    Speaking of “actually,” I’ve never seen “Love, Actually” but I’ve always felt like I was missing something. Gonna add it to my Netflix queue before I log off.
    I’m very grateful for this place, and the people in it. Thank you, June! The turkey story did not disappoint.!
    Happy Thanksgiving to all!

    Like

  19. Awww I love Love, Actually. It is reserved for Christmas Day though because with 6 girls and my dad in the house, he loses.
    The period between Halloween and Christmas is officially the Nightmare Before Christmas time 🙂

    Like

  20. I have been meaning to watch Love, actually since it was discussed last year. Completely forgot about it. I am at work today, the only one in the entire building, so I am going Black Friday shopping in a minute and checking back in later to see if I need to return phonecalls or emails. Because I slack like that, he he he!

    Like

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