Happy Thanksgiving! Or for you international readers, have a lovely Thursday!

It's Thanksgiving! I'm up! I do not WISH to be up early on a holiday, and I realize those of you who are grownups have already BEEN up for 109 hours, gutting your turkey or whatever, and believe it or not I have to also too take the innards out my turkey. Can I feed the inside parts to the dogs?

I can Google this, but go ahead and send me hysterical "NO JUNE! YOU WILL POIIIIIISON YOUR DOGS!" comments. I like how dogs can eat strange poop (as opposed to normal poop) and Dortios bags and half-rotten Kongs they find under the shed in the spring but one single grape is gonna murder them dead.

I am going to celebrate this delightful day of giving smallpox to Native Americans with my friend Laurie, who is a faithful reader and also an overachiever. My father was going to come here for Thanksgiving, all the way from Albuquerque just like Bugs Bunny,

 

(I adore YouTube) (what made Bugs Bunny think that orange thing was a flattering ensemble? Also he has the same coloring as Roger. I never thought about that before. And they have the same-sized feets.)

but wouldn't you know I got a statistics textbook to proofread, and I really super extra cannot turn down the extra money at this juncture, so I was all, "Come for Thanksgiving! Right after dinner I have to completely ignore you!" So we decided he is going to come in the spring when his seasonal allergies should kill him, and we are having Thanksgiving in April.

Anyway, this lead to Laurie and me deciding to have Thanksgiving together, and 18 seconds later she emailed me an entire menu, in Thanksgiving-color font, with a turkey gleefully holding up the headline, as if a turkey would be gleefully having anything to do with a menu wherein he was the main course.

MenuI told Laurie I would make the turkey, which was generous of me, seeing as that leaves her with the other 10 items. Why does anyone like me? But since everyone has such low expectations of me, the paramedics had to be called that I even knew HOW to make a turkey.

"You WILL?" she asked.

Then a few days ago, she emailed me to remind me to get the turkey, and I emailed back, all incredulous. "Of COURSE I'll get the turkey. GOD."

I would have never remembered to get the turkey. I would have gotten there and been all, where's the turkey? Aren't we having turkey? Geez, Laurie. I thought you were an overachiever.

So I go to the store, where as you can imagine no people were milling about looking haggard and miserable, and I get to the turkey section and HOLY CRAP was that overwhelming.

They had fresh turkeys that yelled at you and pinched your hind parts, frozen turkeys that had had botox, Butterball turkeys that ate a lot of In-and-Out Burger, store-brand turkeys that were probably cheap for the bargain shopper but that is not me and see above re statistics book and now you know everything that is wrong with me, and Martha Stewart turkeys for $40.

And listen here, Martha damn Stewart. I don't know what kind of entitled rich lady world you live in, but here on planet AMERICA we do not have any FORTY DOLLARS to spend on your stupid turkey–who lived unmoving in a cage somewhere like all the other turkeys–just because you've wrapped it in pretty blue-and-white plastic. You snooty WASP.

So I was overwhelmed. And yelling at Martha Stewart in my mind. When this nice lesbian women came up. And I know it is not nice to stereotype, but, folks, girlfriend was a lesbian. And if she wasn't, she needs to have a good talk with herself about why she prefers a buzz cut and walks like John Wayne.

She stands over next to me, looking at Martha damn Stewart's pretentious turkeys, and I'd like to state for the record SHE DID NOT GET ONE, EITHER, MARTHA, so if you were trying for the gay demographic, good luck, there.

"Do you find this overwhelming?" I asked Buzz LikeGirls.

"I find it expensive," she said. "Normally this breast (stop with the obvious joke, you guys. Geez.) is bloop de bloo dollars, and just because it's Thanksgiving they want bleee dee dee blee."

I was totally bored by the how-much-groceries-cost talk, and also amazed that people make turkeys when it isn't Thanksgiving.

"So, if you make turkey when it isn't Thanksgiving, you can probably tell me. Can I buy a fresh turkey today and it'll be okay on Thursday?"

Christopher Walken-Like-John-Wayne paused, like that was the weirdest question she had ever heard, and I love to read what she is saying about me in her blog. "Well, yes, ma'am. ('Ma'am.' We were the same age if we were a day.) See, here? 'Best by 11/27.' You're fine to eat this on Thanksgiving."

"Well, that's what I thought, but I didn't get why, if you could buy fresh, you'd buy frozen."

I still don't get that. Groceries. They confuse me.

Anyway, I thanked that woman for her help and as I was leaving said, "If I die from eating this turkey, Ima come back and haunt you."

And with total seriousness, she said, "Oh, please don't do that. I have so many people who're already haunting me."

Who wanted to throw her fresh Butterball on the floor and sit right in the refrigerated aisle and hear all about THAT? WHOOOO is haunting this poor woman? Why do people have to say interesting things right when you're leaving?

So, anyway. That was my turkey debacle. And now he is sitting in there waiting for me to reach inside and yank his guts out.

Don't forget to take a photo today and send it to me for my photo project. You have till Sunday to get it to me, and I did that because if you are at your mom's house, she may have no way to email a photo. I mean, that may or may not be the case at my own mother's house, and I was picturing the part where you all go around the table and say what you are thankful for, and you are bursting into tears because you couldn't participate in June's photo project and therefore are thankful for nothing.

At any rate, my email address is on–I think–the right side of this blog. And if it's not it's on the left side, genius. Be sure to tell me what time of day it was for you and where in the world geographically you are.

I am thankful for all of you, my little blog family. Have a happy Thanksgiving. Or Thursday. You international readers are so cranky.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

86 thoughts on “Happy Thanksgiving! Or for you international readers, have a lovely Thursday!”

  1. Happy Thanksgiving, June!
    Happy Thanksgiving, Pie People!
    I’m off to a beignet party, then to my mother’s where I will photograph her 70s wallpaper.

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  2. Happy Thanksgiving, June and all BBPers!
    I live in hick-town and WISH I had the option of a fresh turkey.
    Are you sure les-lady didn’t pick up on your bisexual aura?

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  3. Happy Thanksgiving! I’ll try to remember to snap a photo at the in-laws, but I’ll probably forget.
    And the part about her walking like John Wayne almost made me spit out my coffee. It was awesome.

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  4. June, your dad lives in ABQ? What is he doing for dinner? Does he want to come to our gang-thanksgiving dinner? I don’t know what the menu is since I am only responsible for dessert & cranberry sauces, but it’s bound to be good. And there will be a lot of, ahem, liquids.

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  5. Happy Thanksgiving to you, June and all the kids, too. Are you taking them to Laurie’s?
    Will they be alone? Is Marvin taking them??
    Seriously, We are all thankful for you, June.

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  6. I’m not sure if the dogs can eat the turkey parts, but I know for sure Roger and Anderson will LOVE the liver (the small reddish brown part). Cut if up in small pieces and they will gobble it up. No pun intended. I wouldn’t think the neck would NOT be good for the dogs because of the bones and I don’t have a clue about the gizzard. I think that’s all the parts that are usually inside the bird.

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  7. Ima going to the gas station for some turkey jerkey and a fill up.
    I will then be tankful.

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  8. Ima going to the gas station for some turkey jerkey and a fill up.
    I will then be tankful.

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  9. Ima going to the gas station for some turkey jerkey and a fill up.
    I will then be tankful.

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  10. Target Steve, no worries. Our gang initiation runs along the lines extreme silliness coupled with good eats and tequila.
    We may, however, break into a West Side Story number around the pool.

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  11. Happy Thanksgiving June, Roger, Anderson, Edsel, Talu & People of Pieland!!
    I am thankful for June, her fur-children & all of us crazy commenters who make me laugh out loud on a daily basis!!

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  12. Happy Thanksgiving – from CANADA! I love American Thanksgiving. June, turkey always gave my dogs diarrhea, which we discovered on a 6 hour road trip. You can imagine how much fun THAT was. Have a grand day one and all!

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  13. I forgot about Thanksgiving pictures! Good thing I checked the blog (like I do EVERY SINGLE MORNING) or I would have forgotten. Now I have to put a bra on for the picture. Dang.

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  14. The innards is what you make the giblet gravy rom.Boil those suckers! Happy Thanksgiving to you June and all your faithful readers.

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  15. Buzz LikeGirls. Oh dear God, I am DEAD. Dead, I tell you. Tears. Streaming down my cheeks. (Not THOSE cheeks, you ass. See what I did there?)
    I will try to take a picture at dinner, probably of Simon walking through the cranberries and then being all cross, and cross-eyed, about what the ding dang gooey glop is on his feets now.
    I am thankful for June and this blog. Oh. And my family. I GUESS. GOD.

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  16. Buzz LikeGirls. Oh dear God, I am DEAD. Dead, I tell you. Tears. Streaming down my cheeks. (Not THOSE cheeks, you ass. See what I did there?)
    I will try to take a picture at dinner, probably of Simon walking through the cranberries and then being all cross, and cross-eyed, about what the ding dang gooey glop is on his feets now.
    I am thankful for June and this blog. Oh. And my family. I GUESS. GOD.

    Like

  17. Buzz LikeGirls. Oh dear God, I am DEAD. Dead, I tell you. Tears. Streaming down my cheeks. (Not THOSE cheeks, you ass. See what I did there?)
    I will try to take a picture at dinner, probably of Simon walking through the cranberries and then being all cross, and cross-eyed, about what the ding dang gooey glop is on his feets now.
    I am thankful for June and this blog. Oh. And my family. I GUESS. GOD.

    Like

  18. Amy in MD, I’ll bet Hulk would say “Please don’t!”
    Count me as thankful for Pie – Juniepie, pumpkin pie, pretty much any pie but mincemeat. And all the Pie commenters who keep me chained to my computer so I don’t miss anything.

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  19. Happy Thanksgiving June Girl!
    I cried hysterically last night, trying to locate the bleeping GIZZARDS or whatever those parts are called. The neck did me in, it was a NECK for crying out loud. I cried and cried. My husband was slightly overwhelmed by it all, he ended up being the one to clean/find the parts of the turkey.
    And that’s my thanksgiving story.

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  20. Christoper Walken like John Wayne lez reminded me somehow of Nathan Lane in The Bird Cage (oh,did anyone say The Boob Cage yesterday?). God help your turkey. And mine.
    I am thankful for June and all things BBP.
    Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

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  21. Happy Thanksgiving Day to all in Pie-land! I am so thankful for each and every one of you.
    Enjoy your Thursday and remember, there are no calories on holidays!

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  22. Happy Thanksgiving!!! Gobble, gobble, gobble!
    I love you all and feel so blessed to have you all in my life… We are a little blog family.
    Target Steve… I love you and I will be thinking of you tonight when I storm the doors of my Target at midnight. You’ll be with me in my heart.
    Have any of you seen the Black Friday Target commercials with the woman working out and sobbing and generally freaking out over the Target sales? That is SO me!

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  23. Happy Thanksgiving, June! I’m thankful I’m not cooking this time around… just flitting from family (obligated to go) to friend’s (where I really want to be) house. My contribution:green bean casserole, which I think is disgusting but the hubby INSISTS on having. Plus, making a gluten free cake for those in my family who can’t have wheat. Now to decide where to take my photo for June….hmm – anyone interested in a shot of traffic?

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  24. I was already feeling grumpy this Thanksgiving but this post and your thankful thoughts have snapped me out of it! Now to just not snap anyone’s head off…
    I hope you all have a great day!

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  25. Happy Thanksgiving June and Pie-ers!!
    Yummy menu!
    I LOVE Ambrosia Salad-my sweet Mom made it every year for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner and served it in a lovely cut-glass dish. Now that she’s gone I carry on the tradition and remember our happy times together-
    How do you make Snowflake potatoes?
    Martha Stewart=pretentious Pope’s nose-
    In honour of YOUR special day I will have a turkey/cranberry sauce/havarti sub today!
    Thanks June-I’m with Heather P’s comment!

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  26. Newer JoAnn, I cry and shudder if I have to do a turkey. 3 years ago said No More, Ever.
    The (manageable) 6 lb roast chicken (we’re a small family) will be 1/2 hour late, however, because June posted a Bugs Bunny cartoon which of course linked to more Bugs Bunny cartoons. Because I have no self-discipline. Because I’m 11.

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  27. Newer JoAnn, I cry and shudder if I have to do a turkey. 3 years ago said No More, Ever.
    The (manageable) 6 lb roast chicken (we’re a small family) will be 1/2 hour late, however, because June posted a Bugs Bunny cartoon which of course linked to more Bugs Bunny cartoons. Because I have no self-discipline. Because I’m 11.

    Like

  28. Newer JoAnn, I cry and shudder if I have to do a turkey. 3 years ago said No More, Ever.
    The (manageable) 6 lb roast chicken (we’re a small family) will be 1/2 hour late, however, because June posted a Bugs Bunny cartoon which of course linked to more Bugs Bunny cartoons. Because I have no self-discipline. Because I’m 11.

    Like

  29. Happy Thanksgiving! I’m currently on my way from Albuquerque to Colorado Springs with my boyfriend and his dad, I’ll take a picture when we get there!
    About a month ago, I experienced tragedy for the first time in my life when a good friend of mine committed suicide extremely unexpectedly. Before that, I’d only ever experienced the somewhat expected deaths of grandparents or held my cousin’s hand when he lost a good friend I only knew as an acquaintance. This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. All this to say that this Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for the people I love, the chance to tell them I love them, and to be alive.

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  30. lauradammit-
    So sorry for your loss, hon-
    Lost a dear,close friend the same way, many years ago- you WILL get through this!
    As you said, you have so much to be thankful for-enjoy your holiday!

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  31. DORTIOS bags?! really. I am thankful for June making typos on Thanksgiving Day.

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  32. LauraD. I am so sorry. My sister committed suicide 22 years ago. You never forget. But you will survive and thrive. I send a load of love to you.

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  33. LauraD. I am so sorry. My sister committed suicide 22 years ago. You never forget. But you will survive and thrive. I send a load of love to you.

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  34. LauraD. I am so sorry. My sister committed suicide 22 years ago. You never forget. But you will survive and thrive. I send a load of love to you.

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  35. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! It’s been a tough year for me which included getting separated after 9 years of marriage. I am thankful for family and friends that helped me through it all and to find myself again.
    Laura…sorry for your loss.
    Donnafrombolder…..don’t eat the puppy!

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  36. Happy Thanksgiving American BBPers!
    Lauradammit, sorry you’re going through such a crap time. You’ve got an amazing spirit to still be so positive and appreciate time with family and friends.

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  37. We already did the turkey cooking and eating on sunday, so we are just sitting around reading the sales papers. My mother is law is reading EVERY DAMN THING to us in her annoying squeaky baby voice and I am about to lose my mind.
    I really need a drink. Too bad I still have to drive later.

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  38. Sandra-
    Hang on girl!!
    Have you seen Paula’s turkey on FB Pie?
    Imagine that’s your MIL-
    And also, how GOOD that drink will taste tonight!
    Feel better?!!

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  39. Happy Thanksgiving Pie People!
    You can feed them to the dogs, but Laurie will need them for her giblet gravy, won’t she?
    And lauriedammit, I am so sorry. My father committed suicide 14 years ago. You will get through it. Be gentle with yourself. (hugs) or (standing in your doorway) whichever you prefer.

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  40. Gack, sorry June, sent the pic but forget we were supposed to tell you what time it was, am in SoCal.
    Yes, grapes, raisins, and chocolate are big no-nos for dogs, just about everything else seems to be fair game though.
    Hope everyone enjoys their day. My boyfriend has never thought we should celebrate Thanksgiving. He’s part Native American and resents the hell out of the US being colonized.

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  41. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours, Joon, and all your wacky commenters. After boiling the giblets to make turkey broth for the gravy, I gave them to my dogs. I wasn’t about to mess with removing the meat from the neck, so that went in the garbage. (I cooked a turkey dinner yesterday. Today I’m going to my sister’s for some GOOD food.)

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  42. Happy Thanksgiving. I had a house full of people for dinner and didn’t take a photo because, well, because I forgot. But, let me recap – 4 year old running in and out the kitchen door, 1 year old crawling across the kitchen floor all while their mother sat reading the sale papers oblivious. Good times. Oh, my husband and sons fight over who gets the turkey heart and liver. Ugghhh.

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  43. Oh drat. So here is my tale of woe. Silly me didn’t think to investigate possibilities for American ex-pats living in the UK until it was too late. My husband and I finally made a break for a store that sells some imported American things… and there was a chalkboard display with the menu items they import. I thought about taking a picture but didn’t. Wish I had now. But we were rushed since we got caught in traffic on the way to the store and they were about to close.
    I feel a little homesick. 😦

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  44. “I am going to celebrate this delightful day of giving smallpox to Native Americans”
    This is so ironic. The hubs and I were talking today about this as we drove to the Native American owned grocery store, where there is also a huge casino and bowling alley on Indian land here in Oklahoma, to pick up our turkey dinner for the extended family.
    Power to my native american friends here in Okie Land.

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  45. So. I had a really good day! Our food was terrific, we had great conversations, AND I relayed the story of all of you being mystified by turtle soup. You’ll all be pleased to know we all had a great laughs at y’all’s expense because we’re polite like that. The annual family viewing of Christmas Vacation is behind us and we’re ready for Christmas!

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  46. Favorite holiday moment today: opening a container of oysters, bobbling the container and sending a goodly spray of raw oyster juice up the backsplash, through the pass-through window, into the sunroom, across the upholstered chair and tile floor where some of it settled into the grout.
    Anybody else have scalloped oysters? Anybody else shampoo upholstery at 11:30 this morning? Annoying is what it was.

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  47. Favorite holiday moment today: opening a container of oysters, bobbling the container and sending a goodly spray of raw oyster juice up the backsplash, through the pass-through window, into the sunroom, across the upholstered chair and tile floor where some of it settled into the grout.
    Anybody else have scalloped oysters? Anybody else shampoo upholstery at 11:30 this morning? Annoying is what it was.

    Like

  48. Favorite holiday moment today: opening a container of oysters, bobbling the container and sending a goodly spray of raw oyster juice up the backsplash, through the pass-through window, into the sunroom, across the upholstered chair and tile floor where some of it settled into the grout.
    Anybody else have scalloped oysters? Anybody else shampoo upholstery at 11:30 this morning? Annoying is what it was.

    Like

  49. Dear June,
    I was happy to see you at the grocery, yes, you and those who comment on your blog haunt me. I do like John Wayne
    Love, Carin

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  50. PJ: we had no oysters. But I tried making stuffed acorn squash, and bobbled the transfer from baking tray to bowl, so the filling went flying. (That one was mine.) And the squash didn’t even taste good.
    Also, I burned the szechuan green beans. And ran out of water in the pan I was using to steam carrots and developed what looked like lava in there. I made honey ginger carrots that just tasted like regular carrots. Hubby undercooked the steaks (a wee bit raw in the middle.) And the sweet potatoes of doom weren’t done in time so they’ll be served tomorrow.
    Not one of my most successful thanksgivings. But the company was good.

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  51. Happy Thanksgiving to all! I finally had a chance to sit down and read and comment and I have my godawful photo montage emailed to June. It’s a good depiction of my day.
    I’m grateful for the chance to share a crappy picture with you all! Now off for a piece of pumpkin pie…..

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  52. I am still full, my pants are unbuttoned and unzipped. And we jumped the holiday gun and watched Love, Actually tonight. I CAN NOT pick my favorite part of that movie, and it gets better every time we watch it. I know everyone has seen it, maybe we should have a discussion day of it here.
    Hope all of you enjoyed your Thanksgiving as much as we did.

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  53. Letha, I LOVE Love Actually! We discussed watching it tonight instead of near Christmas but went with an action flick instead.
    Favorite Christmas movie though is Die Hard.

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  54. Amy, I’m sure I laughed harder at your dinner woes than you did. My sweet potato souffle never souffled. Had sweet potato sludge, instead. But the scalloped oysters were delish!

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  55. Amy, I’m sure I laughed harder at your dinner woes than you did. My sweet potato souffle never souffled. Had sweet potato sludge, instead. But the scalloped oysters were delish!

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  56. Amy, I’m sure I laughed harder at your dinner woes than you did. My sweet potato souffle never souffled. Had sweet potato sludge, instead. But the scalloped oysters were delish!

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  57. Well, by this time I imagine all you lucky Peeps are sacked out on the couch- floor-Lazy Boy- and the turkey farts are ripping the seams
    outa your sweatpants!!
    Sandra-hope you made it through the day without killing anyone and enjoyed that drink!!

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  58. I never knew Love, Actually was a Christmas movie until it was discussed here in the comments earlier this year. I picked it up on sale after that, and tonight we watched it – my parents and I – and loved it! We usually watch Christmas Vacation, but my retail working spouse had to drive to Mississippi for the midnight opening of one of his company’s stores. We just couldn’t watch it without him.

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  59. Sorry. I didn’t get a photo of the day’s festivities. I have a headache after putting up with all the men (including my husband and sons) at my Dad’s house. Do you want a photo of it? Errggghh.
    I did find a good instructional video of how to prepare a turkey. I think “Tante Marie”, the instructor is my kind of cook! It’s called, “Just Put the *%#@ing Turkey in the Oven!”
    http://youtu.be/FBOwG7j3qXk

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  60. Martha damn Stewart, you snooty WASP…..who doesn’t enjoy making fun of Martha?
    I’m so glad you’re doing another Photo Project….enjoyed last years thoroughly.
    Happy Thanksgiving, June & Pie Friends!

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  61. Pamela Soul Sister #2 and I also keep the holiday in perspective out of respect for all of my First Nation brothers and sisters...celebrating a massacre? I don't think so. says:

    I enjoyed this post…and the comments.
    Although there is so much to comment on, there’s no point in doing so because I am the only fool still awake, at least here in the U.S. And I actually have to be at work this A.M. (courthouse open for
    business…crime never sleeps).
    Speaking of “actually,” I’ve never seen “Love, Actually” but I’ve always felt like I was missing something. Gonna add it to my Netflix queue before I log off.
    I’m very grateful for this place, and the people in it. Thank you, June! The turkey story did not disappoint.!
    Happy Thanksgiving to all!

    Like

  62. Pamela Soul Sister #2 and I also keep the holiday in perspective out of respect for all of my First Nation brothers and sisters...celebrating a massacre? I don't think so. says:

    I enjoyed this post…and the comments.
    Although there is so much to comment on, there’s no point in doing so because I am the only fool still awake, at least here in the U.S. And I actually have to be at work this A.M. (courthouse open for
    business…crime never sleeps).
    Speaking of “actually,” I’ve never seen “Love, Actually” but I’ve always felt like I was missing something. Gonna add it to my Netflix queue before I log off.
    I’m very grateful for this place, and the people in it. Thank you, June! The turkey story did not disappoint.!
    Happy Thanksgiving to all!

    Like

  63. Pamela Soul Sister #2 and I also keep the holiday in perspective out of respect for all of my First Nation brothers and sisters...celebrating a massacre? I don't think so. says:

    I enjoyed this post…and the comments.
    Although there is so much to comment on, there’s no point in doing so because I am the only fool still awake, at least here in the U.S. And I actually have to be at work this A.M. (courthouse open for
    business…crime never sleeps).
    Speaking of “actually,” I’ve never seen “Love, Actually” but I’ve always felt like I was missing something. Gonna add it to my Netflix queue before I log off.
    I’m very grateful for this place, and the people in it. Thank you, June! The turkey story did not disappoint.!
    Happy Thanksgiving to all!

    Like

  64. Awww I love Love, Actually. It is reserved for Christmas Day though because with 6 girls and my dad in the house, he loses.
    The period between Halloween and Christmas is officially the Nightmare Before Christmas time 🙂

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  65. I have been meaning to watch Love, actually since it was discussed last year. Completely forgot about it. I am at work today, the only one in the entire building, so I am going Black Friday shopping in a minute and checking back in later to see if I need to return phonecalls or emails. Because I slack like that, he he he!

    Like

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