JG + DWM = TLA

Yesterday I had brunch with Dick Whitman's mom. It was very pleasant to meet her.

Oh please. I LOVED HER!!! Wait. More exclamation points are needed! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I knew she'd be the bomb.

Mom and June2Every story Dick Whitman ever told me about his mom, I would listen and then say, "I love your mom." I think I said that from the first story. And we share a birthday. And she Facebook Likes all the pictures I have of cats. AND SHE READS MY BLOG.

What's not to like?

But then I got there and she was even better than I had imagined. Oh, she was charming, she was hilarious, she was thoughtful about the predicament Dick Whitman and I are in, with our new singlehood and all.

At one point, Dick Whitman mentioned my dogs for some reason. "She has one dog, Tallulah, who's a little wild."

I was about to yell at him when Dick Whitman's mom said, "No. Tallulah is the calm one. Edsel is crazy. I know more about her dogs than YOU do, and I've never been there."

Seriously. How could you get Tallulah and Edsel confused? I think Dick Whitman is indifferent to dogs. YOU'RE INDIFFERENT TO DOGS, DW!

She talked about how she tried not to interfere in her kids' lives, and how she was worried meeting me would count as interfering. How cool is she?

Anyway, I could have stayed there all day, talking about Dick Whitman's ear infections that he got as a kid, and which old movie stars we liked and who was stupid, and how chickens don't taste right now that they're pumped full of hormones and kept in a cage.

June BOCAnd there was an Art-O-Mat at the restaurant! Y'all know how I always have to put my $5 in there, and no I DON'T know why my savings account has $9.48 in it. What do you mean?

Art-O-Mats are old cigarette machines that some genius, meja, decided to turn into a vending machine for teensy works of art. So artists from all over, including my friend Charlie with the orange hair–who by the way now has a girlfriend with pink hair and thank heavens he went back to brown hair, because that combo makes me queasy just thinking about it–put their art in these machines.

Yesterday I got a teensy patron saint–It was St. Zzzzzz, for a good night's sleep. I need that. When you sleep with the entire animal kingdom, not to mention occasionally King Don, you don't always get your rest.

Don

As if meeting Dick Whitman's mom weren't good enough, I got home and decided to pay bills, because they'd all been languishing on my secretary gathering cobwebs. I don't know why King Don doesn't just pay my bills. Shouldn't he be wealthy?

Anyway, I decided to check my bank balance before I went around paying bills all willy-nilly, and I had a TON more in there than I thought. This is because Google Ads just deposits money right in there, and no one had said, "Hey, June, you got paid for your ads!"

I could not even stand the temptation. I sat here and debated for awhile and finally called the Tall Boy. "I have surprise money. Should I go stampeding to the Apple store and get another iPhone?" I think I have whined about having no iPhone a mere 49493002202 times to Tall Boy.

"Yes," he said, sounding weary. "If I found out I had extra money, that's certainly what I'd do." Tall Boy is not what you'd call up on technological advances. In order to email him, I have to send a Pterodactyl over there to crank up his internet. He's, like, the only boy I know who isn't into all that crap. It is kind of refreshing.

So who went over to the Apple store on African American Friday, as Hulk calls it? Who is an idiot? I mean, other than Hulk. Dudes, there was a LINE, with a ROPE, like we were all trying to get into Studio 54, and will somebody PLEASE give me a club that has happened since 1977 so I come up with a better example next time this comes up?

I was behind a very cranky techno nerd who kept glaring at me when my purse touched him, and I'm SORRY I am not a motionless blowup doll like you're used to, and I was in front of two Asian girls who had some sort of cultural idea of personal space that differed from mine. Can only hope I gave them my shingles.

The point is…

Photo on 11-26-11 at 8.29 AMyay!

And I got the cheap old 3G, and that's all I need. Girlfriend's ad revenue isn't DOOCE good. But oh! How I played with it and tormented Tall Boy with photos of my car and my pets Petzand more of my pets and who wishes he'd said I should invest that money in bonds or something?

Do you enjoy my gray robe and t-shirt from The Turkey Roost, which is only the best restaurant in Michigan? If you are in Michigan right now, get in the car and drive to Kawkawlin. You will not be sorry. Try not to picture my I-just-got-up hair when you are eating.

Oh! And Dick Whitman's mom said I have to stop complaining about my hair, as she thinks it's lovely. "You don't think it looks like George Washington?" I asked her. She paused, realizing it totally does. "Well. Now you're just looking for flaws."

June2 and Mom-1

So there it is. Would totally marry Dick Whitman to get to his mom. We could each date whomever we wanted, and he could continue to think Tallulah is Edsel. Sounds promising!

I'll email you the wedding photos from my iPhone.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

68 thoughts on “JG + DWM = TLA”

  1. Why is this categorized in Religion? What did I miss? Is King Don up for sainthood?
    I LOVE YOUR RED CAPE/PONCHO/FRINGY THING. And Dick Whitman’s mom. Let’s keep her.

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  2. She sounds wonderful! So jealous of your phone, I think I need an iphone urgently. Whenever I finally sell my car and this house that will be my reward. Speaking of rewards: THEY ARE GONE!! I have the house to myself again. Well, my son and the dog are still here, but I can tolerate them. Happy Happy Happy times!

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  3. I also love Dick Whitman’s mom!!!! And you totally should zip it about your hair.

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  4. Oh yay! DW’s mom makes me miss my mom, who was also good with the zingy responses. You are so cute, DW’s mom! So no details about what you ate for brunch?
    I love your hair and that poncho is quite fetching, as my mother would have said.

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  5. A new phone! LUCKY! I still have a dumb phone, but it does have a keyboard for texting. I don’t know how to do anything else on it, apparently I could use it for music, and I can take pictures, but I can’t get the pictures off the phone. I am saving for a laptop, and I think after Christmas I will be there! I can’t wait!
    DW’s mom sounds awesome, and I am so glad you got to meet her. And again, YAY for the new iphone!

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  6. You told a perfectly delightful story there, and all I can think about is the people in line touching you. I absolutely cannot stand for people in line to touch me. People I know? big hugs. Strangers? hives. Why, yes, I stayed home on Black Friday.

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  7. ok, someone read it as ‘Don King’ and I, in all my immature porny nature, read it as “King Dong”. What is wrong with me?

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  8. oh and…”Do you enjoy my gray robe and t-shirt from The Turkey Roost, which is only the best restaurant in Michigan? If you are in Michigan right now, get in the car and drive to Kawkawlin. You will not be sorry. Try not to picture my I-just-got-up hair when you are eating.” WHAT??? I don’t see that at all. Where is it?

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  9. Kristi, who cannot believe someone could mix up Talu and Edsel. Then remembers that someone might have a life outside this blog. says:

    Duffylou, I read it as Don King too and was all Whaaat?
    Anyway, I am jealous of your iPhone. I am due for an upgrade and want to get one but I am WAY too cheap to pay an extra $30 a month for a data package. Would it be super lame to get an iPhone that I could only use where there is free wireless like my house or Starbucks?
    DW’s mom is delightful and I’m so glad you all had a fabulous time!

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  10. Cosmo's Dad I think Don King was once King Dong but it sounded like Ding Dong made by another company and they shortened it to just King Don says:

    I like you in your purple coat, however your friend in red reminds me of someone….

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  11. Cosmo's Dad I think Don King was once King Dong but it sounded like Ding Dong made by another company and they shortened it to just King Don says:

    I like you in your purple coat, however your friend in red reminds me of someone….

    Like

  12. Cosmo's Dad I think Don King was once King Dong but it sounded like Ding Dong made by another company and they shortened it to just King Don says:

    I like you in your purple coat, however your friend in red reminds me of someone….

    Like

  13. I too have a 3G phone, it’s good enough for me…and it cost less. Mine’s an android and the screen is huge. And as I proved to my sister yesterday, the virtual keyboard “keys” are bigger than her Iphone..which is a feature that I need as I’m a clumsy, blind one finger poker/typer person.
    And thanks June, this part made my day, “I was behind a very cranky techno nerd who kept glaring at me when my purse touched him, and I’m SORRY I am not a motionless blowup doll like you’re used to, and I was in front of two Asian girls who had some sort of cultural idea of personal space that differed from mine. Can only hope I gave them my shingles.”
    If I had the energy to giggle, I would!!

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  14. iPhone’s are so entertaining. The next time you you have to stand in line next to the motionless nerd you’ll fit right in. You’ll be taking pictures and uploading them from your IPHONE!!!!! Can’t wait to see them

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  15. Glad you had a fun filled brunch with DW’s mom-he looks exactly like her!
    Agree with her on your hair-it looked lovely in the photos-
    Red is very becoming on you-
    Art-o-mat-what a great idea!
    Too bad the only one in Canada is clear across the country in Quebec-
    Did you buy a commuter case for your new iPhone?
    I think they are waterproof-

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  16. Happy belated birthday Nancy. If you’re asking about the t-shirt, we can’t see it under the robe in the picture where she is showing off her ipone. I think she should take off the robe and model the t-shirt now that she’s got our curiosity up.
    I lovwe that dwm knows more about your dogs than dw. She’s a keeper.

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  17. DW’s Mom sounds like she’s a hoot and a half.
    I’ve never heard of Art-O-Mat. I’ve also never seen one, either. Maybe I don’t get out enough.
    I love the photo of a contented (and massive) Rodger sandwiched between the snoozing dogs.

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  18. I had a sausage reuben (who knew such a thing existed?), my mom had a sausage omelet -yes our ancestors were hog farmers-, and June pigged out on a half a slice of toast! I mean she really stuffed her face… I was embarrassed for her.

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  19. Why did you eat Thanksgiving leftovers if you knew you were going to brunch?

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  20. Yay for the new iPhone! I {heart} mine so much I got the newest one…LOVE. Took pictures the other day with my honking big Canon camera and my iPhone and guess which were better? The ones on the iPhone!
    Hi DW’s Mom – glad you had a nice brunch with June.

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  21. “Well. Now you’re just looking for flaws” PROVES what a gem DWM is. I say we keep her forever.

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  22. I’m guessing TLA = Total Love Affair?
    DWM is certainly a keeper. Must agree with her about your hair. I would have freaked out in that line at the Apple store. I can’t stand for anyone to get into my space, that’s why I always keep the buggy between me and the person behind me when I check out at the grocery store. My husband thinks I’m crazy, but it’s crowd control people.

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  23. I know L. in CA already called this out but I think it deserves another, “I’m SORRY I am not a motionless blowup doll like you’re used to.” hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (takes deep breath) hahahahahahahahaha

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  24. DWM sounds delightful! Glad you had a good time in your lovely red poncho/shawl. You definitely look spiffy in it. I would love to have hair like yours, so knock it off already. Also too, I hate being crowded by people but did manage to enjoy shopping on Black Friday. Not bad at all early in the morning, surprisingly.

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  25. DWM is so cute and sweet! She is a keeper. And congrats on the ipone. I have an old ipone 2 and it works just fine for me plus I have the unlimited data plan for $30 a month and do not want to give that up.
    Hulk, sorry about the Bucks. But I have to say “Roll Tide” and hope that ‘Bama ends up winning the game against Auburn. Love all the college football this weekend.

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  26. What a lovely, funny post, June! The pictures are great. You and DWM are stunning in your red and purple in the dappled sunlight. Sounds like a really good time.
    Yay for the phone!

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  27. Thanks Carol…and I’m with you. Roll Tide!! By more than 21!!
    Then let’s meet and take a leak on those stupid trees…

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  28. I have a 3 G and I still don’t know all the things it does. My husband just bought the 4 and he has FaceTime and I don’t and is my voice not enough??? Now he has to see me while I complain to him.
    I love the red on you!

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  29. Back from our Thanksgiving travels to June’s neck of the woods and have been catching up on what I missed since Thursday. Sounds like everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving even though Sandra had to wait until today to be truly thankful.

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  30. Totally LOVE DWM-she’s a keeper!
    Congrats on the Iphone. All of you Iphone lovers need to invest in an OtterBox protector for it. It is fugly but dudes, when you drop the phone encased in the OtterBox-it bounces! My husband has dropped his phone, countless times and the OtterBox protects it.

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  31. driving home. well pretty much flying! saw a family of kitties in the macdonald parking lot munching on fries. their cholesterol must be sky high!

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  32. Sounds like a date, Hulk! 42-14 yea baby! Go Richardson! Sorry to talk sports on your blog June but that is what we live and breath here during football season!

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  33. Oh, Sadie, I’m in Charlotte. Did you come down dreadful 85? Hulk, sorry about the loss. Roll Tide, Carol!
    Yea, June, for supporting the arts. And those model hands! Is there no limit to your talents?

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  34. Oh, Sadie, I’m in Charlotte. Did you come down dreadful 85? Hulk, sorry about the loss. Roll Tide, Carol!
    Yea, June, for supporting the arts. And those model hands! Is there no limit to your talents?

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  35. Oh, Sadie, I’m in Charlotte. Did you come down dreadful 85? Hulk, sorry about the loss. Roll Tide, Carol!
    Yea, June, for supporting the arts. And those model hands! Is there no limit to your talents?

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  36. Thank you, Dick Whitman, for answering my question about the brunch menu! Your mom is adorable and I figured you were there to take those pictures of the two lovely ladies.

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  37. Welcome back Sadie! Hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. Yes, I had a very happy quiet day, just me and my son and of course our dog. Lovely!

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  38. What a beautiful picture of June and DWM. June, you two had to be the best looking ladies at the restaurant. I bet your waitress was thrilled with the tip she earned on your piece of toast.
    PJ, 85 to 49 to 64. Did you see me wave to you in Charlotte?

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  39. Hulk, I can control how close I get to the person in front of me in the checkout line, I just can’t control the person behind me, so I put the buggy between us, works every time.
    Also, too, you would be proud of me, I just repaired my dishwasher that was gushing water all over the floor. I just saved us $150 service call. I hate Ga Tech lost, but I was cheering for Alabama.

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  40. Tee, you are amazing! You have a future as both a squirrel exterminator and as an appliance repairwoman.

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  41. I Think we should call DW’s mother, Charming Charmin. I just want to squeeze her, she’s so darn cute. Purple is her color.
    Jules, I think in the first picture both ladies are taking an oath to let no Dick come between them.
    Hurray for the new phone!

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