Now that my life is back to normal, I mean, as normal as the life of someone with this hair and 34959502 pets can be, I can finally show all y'all the pictures you sent me on Thanksgiving day last week. Of course, it has not escaped my notice that I am finally showing these to you on Saturday, when the 16% read me, so pretty much the other 79% will be all, "You never showed our pictures from THANKSgiving. What gives, June?"
Yes, I DID get a C- in math. Why?
I would be super extra careful and show you these in chronological order but I do not feel like it.
Here is the first picture I got, from Hulk. It is his fireplace. I have not at all made fun of bachelor Hulk for decorating his fireplace with every season like a girly man. "My CHILD likes it," he claims. "Yes, years from now she'll be all 'My pansy-ass dad was so cute the way he decorated the fireplace,'" I said.
June's blog. Where you come to get accused of being all sorts of things you likely aren't. I like how all Thanksgiving-y pictures that are styled like that show a cornucopia, and yet have you ever in your life been near a cornucopia on Thanksgiving? My friend Donna had an empty cornucopia on her dining room table when we were in high school and inevitably any party she had some boy would hold it up on his man bits thinking that was hilarious.
For the record, any party Donna ever had was instigated by me. She spent the entire evening breaking into hives worrying her parents would come home, and prying the cornucopia out of drunk hands.
Faithful Reader Melanie in Oklahoma sent this photo of her pansy-ass, communist cat lounging on the table, which is the thing all non-cat people worry about when they come to our houses to eat. "I'll bet they let their cats on the counters when we're not there."
Dear non-cat people: We totally do.
Here is Faithful Reader Mary and her Impressionist dog Molly in Omaha, Nebraska. She told me the time, because she follows the rules. It was 12:30 p.m. She also mentioned that neither she nor Molly had eaten yet, which may be why Molly is beaming up.
In Southern California, Jane D's cute dogs waited for their morning carrot. I have never felt this anticipatory about a carrot. I wonder if you mooshed all those dogs together if they'd be as big as Roger.
Dudes. I don't know why I love this one of Amy in Maryland so much. I think it's that guy's shirt, and his indulgent grin. "No idea who June is, but okay. We will take this freaking picture if it means something to Amy."
Look! Faithful Reader Unruly Hair did it too, showing my blog! Oh, you are all BRILLIANT! She had a cold, see, and did not make a tofu pie, which was her plan, and here is her cat posing with the unused ingredients in Boulder, Colorado.
Here is my pal Sleeping Beauty's baby Josie, sleeping beautifully, at 11:11 a.m. in Washington, D.C. Sleeping Beauty also sent me a photo of her breast pump and all the pumped milk, which absolutely grossed me out. I realize breast milk is natural and beautiful and part of the circle of life, but if you ask me, most natural things are totally sick.
Perhaps Phyllis in Charlotte is trying to tell me something. This was at 9:30 a.m. I know linear people are getting hive-y like Donna during those high school parties that I am all over the place with the times, but I am downloading these as they came to me, folks. GET OVER IT. Put a cornucopia on your bits and get over it.
Faithful Reader Carpool Queen has become my friend in real life and I love this picture of her. She said she was ignoring her children so she could take her photo for my blog. You should all aspire to the same goal. Outer Banks, North Carolina, 4:30 p.m.
Speaking of friends in real life, here is Laurie, with whom I spent Thanksgiving. I took this picture. It was about 4 p.m. and we were waiting for the EFFING TURKEY to be done, which actually didn't take all that long because she has a convection oven, whatever that is, in that kitchen of hers that you all could not shut up about.
I LOVE BOB BARKER!
Behold my friend in real life, Laura, escaping from her husband's family in Duluth, Georgia. Sadly, she was not able to smuggle her bottle of Prosecco out on the roof with her. Ladders and sparking wine. An excellent combo.
Rebecca in Illinois sent me a few pictures, as did many people, and usually I narrowed it to one, but she purposely sent me uvula shots, knowing how often I like to show y'all my uvula. I could not help but share the uvulas of her people with all of you:
i has ooovulaa and keeyoot back feets!
These are Nancy in Austin, Texas' dogs. Also, I like her tile.
And here's Bonnie, in a suburb of Chicago, holding her first granddaughter, Hannah. Hannah was released from the hospital at 4:00, and they brought her straight over to her grandmother and the Thanksgiving celebration. Word has it that baby had thirds on stuffing.
Dudes! Were you worried I would leave this out? Faithful Reader Kari in Houston did NOT let us down. She took a picture of her mom's '70s wallpaper AND she threw in the nice Italian coastline painting. Kari, will your mom pleeeeeeeease let us have a giveaway of the Italian coastline painting? Pleeeeeese? It is awesome.
We all need it.
While we're up? At Kari's mom's house? She took a picture of the turkey butter and OHMYGOD I also need turkey butter! I realize I never actually, you know, HAVE butter, but if I did I'd want it turkey-shaped. ALL THE TIME.
And look! It's everyone's favorite esoteric commentor, Cosmo's Dad, with Cosmo himself and Lucy also too! Dad of Cosmo refused to say his locale but it's somewhere East Coast-y. Maryland? I forget. It's 949430244 miles from his new job, I know that.
Sheri is practically a hometown girl. She is my homie. Here she is in Midland, Michigan with her cat Charlie. She couldn't decide whether to photograph the cat or her autumn cheesecake. Then she remembered her audience.
And finally? Finally? My best friend, Pal from MA, emailed me. "Will you put up a video of me playing with my new dog for your Thanksgiving montage?"
"Oh come ON! I didn't take it on Thanksgiving but close enough!"
"I can't PUT videos on unless they're You Tube."
[Ten seconds later] "Okay! It's on You Tube!"
I just want y'all to know? My best friend is a PAIN IN MY ASS, and just because I sent her the WORLD'S MOST INCONVENIENT CHRISTMAS GIFT last year is no excuse.
(See, I sent her this friendship bird. But the thing was, there were two. And she had to MAIL BACK the other one to ME, so that every time she'd look at the effing bird she'd think of me and every time IIIII'd look at MYYYY effing bird I'd think of her, but now every time we look at those birds, all we think about is how much she hated my every gut for making her traipse out into the bitter Massachusetts winter to mail me a bird.)
Anyway, there were your Thanksgiving photos, and please let me know if I skipped yours. I sat here for THREE HOURS going through all the emails and I tried VERY HARD not to miss any and I PROMISE I will mail you the friendship bird VERY SOON.
Thanks for participating! And tomorrow? The good deeds list!