Cardinal

My high school boyfriend Cardinal got separated around the same time I did.

6a00e54f9367fb8834012876f566d8970c-800wi
I may have ruined all the pictures I have of us. I may have been bitter when we broke up. Nice fillings on my part, though. They look good with the paisley earrings. Paisley really needs to make a comeback.

Anyway, no, we are not getting back together. If that was your first thought, you aren't very original. If you were Kentucky Fried Chicken, you would not be Original Recipe. Everyone I tell "Cardinal and his wife split up" says, "Ooo! Maybe you two will get back together!"

Okay, really? Because that ship has been wrung out. And I realize that made a ton o' sense. We dated in 10th grade. It did not work out. He left me an Official Cardinal Pencil in my locker as a going-away gift. He had these pencils that were sort of his trademark. I broke it in half and put it back in his locker.

In 11th grade, we got back together. We dated all spring and the whole summer after 11th grade. I hope you are sitting down for the surprise ending, but it did not work out. You may have surmised that from the part where I have never referred to my husband Cardinal. He broke up with me right before senior year, because he "needed to be free."

Needed to be free. Fifty-three years later, that still pisses me off. Needed to be free. TO DO WHAT? You know what he needed to be free to do? Make out with me in closets, while my actually nice boyfriend held my beer and wondered where I was at parties.

Mr. Free to Be Me and Me and I got BACK TOGETHER ONCE AGAIN, in college, and we dated for a couple years.

Are you in suspense? Are you? Because I will cut to the chase. It did not work out. 

And we had PLENTY of opportunity in this lifetime to get back together since then. At some point in our 20s, I moved back home, and MY MOTHER INVITED HIM TO MOVE IN, TOO! He had had some awful romance and was devastated, and my mother always liked him, and I don't know. All I know is he had the better room. I was sleeping in the basement. But we never got romantic.

Then when we were older we both happened to be living in Seattle, where he still resides, and we were single single single. We'd go out and get all tanked and sleep at each other's apartments, and zilch. No romance. That fat lady has sailed or whatever.

The other day he emailed me. "I just got three emails in a row," he wrote. "One from a Jewish dating site (he's not Jewish), one from Christian Mingle (he's not Christian) and one from the AARP. This is not my beautiful life."

(I've been thinking I want to go on that Jewish dating site, which is called J Date. But are you allowed to just go on there and troll for Jews? Do you have to BE Jewish yourself? However, this post is not about me.)

Cardinal has three young daughters, so his dating life has been way less active than mine. He spends a lot of time with his kids. Attached please find a video of one of his daughters screaming about the other one being up in her grille.

 

See the part where he can be calm about children screeching? I could not. This is why I do not have kids. However, that little child wiggling around in the tutu? I have offered to take her off his hands several times. He does not seem amenable to this plan. Possibly because children are only charming to me when they are calm and wiggling about in tutus.

Anyway, the point is, he just joined Match in Seattle and naturally I made him send me all the women he is getting sent from the fine folks at Match. "Here they are," he wrote me. "I had no idea there were this many attractive women in their 40s. However, apparently I checked the box that said 'No limit to how many ax handles across the ass.'"

Nice.

"I like Claire!" I wrote him. Claire had long brown curly hair, but not bad hair like mine. Nice defined curls, and clear skin and she looked normal. "But I know you're gonna go for SouthernTransplant69. She looks like an obnoxious drunk slob." And before you get up in my grille (I WANT HER OUT OF MY GRILLE!), Cardinal picked ME, so what do you think I am?

"I WAS leaning toward her," said Cardinal. See? I know his type.

"TEAM CLAIRE!" I wrote back, being an annoying picking-teams person.

So I'm just saying. If you are on Match in Seattle, my friend Cardinal is out there, and I can write a letter of rec0mmendation for him if you want. Or maybe we could do kind of a Mystery Date here on this site!

 Get him now, before his senior year. He will want to be free then.

263 thoughts on “Cardinal

  1. Hulk ("Outkicked his coverage"???Yikes. That is the SECOND sports reference I have heard you use correctly? Why am I starting to sweat?) says:

    Who would have to live in constant fear of being accused of murdering countless dogs and cats? All you have to do is have sex and let me hang with my buddies once in a while…

    Like

  2. Hulk ("Outkicked his coverage"???Yikes. That is the SECOND sports reference I have heard you use correctly? Why am I starting to sweat?) says:

    Who would have to live in constant fear of being accused of murdering countless dogs and cats? All you have to do is have sex and let me hang with my buddies once in a while…

    Like

  3. Hulk ("Outkicked his coverage"???Yikes. That is the SECOND sports reference I have heard you use correctly? Why am I starting to sweat?) says:

    Who would have to live in constant fear of being accused of murdering countless dogs and cats? All you have to do is have sex and let me hang with my buddies once in a while…

    Like

  4. Sadie was one of the witnesses to both the proposal and the acceptance. Hulk, my advice is to start moving everyone thing up out of Edsel's reach. says:

    June, making Hulk sweat since December 8, 2011 at 9:09am when she accepted his heartfelt proposal in front of tens of readers.

    Like

  5. Sadie was one of the witnesses to both the proposal and the acceptance. Hulk, my advice is to start moving everyone thing up out of Edsel's reach. says:

    June, making Hulk sweat since December 8, 2011 at 9:09am when she accepted his heartfelt proposal in front of tens of readers.

    Like

  6. Sadie was one of the witnesses to both the proposal and the acceptance. Hulk, my advice is to start moving everyone thing up out of Edsel's reach. says:

    June, making Hulk sweat since December 8, 2011 at 9:09am when she accepted his heartfelt proposal in front of tens of readers.

    Like

  7. Sadie - Must be time to call it quits for tonight. Can't wait to read the next chapter in "Michigan to North Carolina: The Long Commute." says:

    I meant start moving everything not *everyone thing.*

    Like

  8. Sadie - Must be time to call it quits for tonight. Can't wait to read the next chapter in "Michigan to North Carolina: The Long Commute." says:

    I meant start moving everything not *everyone thing.*

    Like

  9. Sadie - Must be time to call it quits for tonight. Can't wait to read the next chapter in "Michigan to North Carolina: The Long Commute." says:

    I meant start moving everything not *everyone thing.*

    Like

  10. Dying at Mother.
    I think you have chosen wisely Hulk, of course, I have been picked to be in the wedding so I think it’s a DELIGHTFUL idea! Even if you are outkicking your coverage… or as I like to say, in over your skis.

    Like

  11. Damn! I always read the comments but the times I actually think of somewhat witty things to say I’ve waited until 10pm to read and everyone has already said way funnier things than I could ever think of! I’ll never make it to Faithful Reader status at this rate!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s