Cardinal

My high school boyfriend Cardinal got separated around the same time I did.

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I may have ruined all the pictures I have of us. I may have been bitter when we broke up. Nice fillings on my part, though. They look good with the paisley earrings. Paisley really needs to make a comeback.

Anyway, no, we are not getting back together. If that was your first thought, you aren't very original. If you were Kentucky Fried Chicken, you would not be Original Recipe. Everyone I tell "Cardinal and his wife split up" says, "Ooo! Maybe you two will get back together!"

Okay, really? Because that ship has been wrung out. And I realize that made a ton o' sense. We dated in 10th grade. It did not work out. He left me an Official Cardinal Pencil in my locker as a going-away gift. He had these pencils that were sort of his trademark. I broke it in half and put it back in his locker.

In 11th grade, we got back together. We dated all spring and the whole summer after 11th grade. I hope you are sitting down for the surprise ending, but it did not work out. You may have surmised that from the part where I have never referred to my husband Cardinal. He broke up with me right before senior year, because he "needed to be free."

Needed to be free. Fifty-three years later, that still pisses me off. Needed to be free. TO DO WHAT? You know what he needed to be free to do? Make out with me in closets, while my actually nice boyfriend held my beer and wondered where I was at parties.

Mr. Free to Be Me and Me and I got BACK TOGETHER ONCE AGAIN, in college, and we dated for a couple years.

Are you in suspense? Are you? Because I will cut to the chase. It did not work out. 

And we had PLENTY of opportunity in this lifetime to get back together since then. At some point in our 20s, I moved back home, and MY MOTHER INVITED HIM TO MOVE IN, TOO! He had had some awful romance and was devastated, and my mother always liked him, and I don't know. All I know is he had the better room. I was sleeping in the basement. But we never got romantic.

Then when we were older we both happened to be living in Seattle, where he still resides, and we were single single single. We'd go out and get all tanked and sleep at each other's apartments, and zilch. No romance. That fat lady has sailed or whatever.

The other day he emailed me. "I just got three emails in a row," he wrote. "One from a Jewish dating site (he's not Jewish), one from Christian Mingle (he's not Christian) and one from the AARP. This is not my beautiful life."

(I've been thinking I want to go on that Jewish dating site, which is called J Date. But are you allowed to just go on there and troll for Jews? Do you have to BE Jewish yourself? However, this post is not about me.)

Cardinal has three young daughters, so his dating life has been way less active than mine. He spends a lot of time with his kids. Attached please find a video of one of his daughters screaming about the other one being up in her grille.

 

See the part where he can be calm about children screeching? I could not. This is why I do not have kids. However, that little child wiggling around in the tutu? I have offered to take her off his hands several times. He does not seem amenable to this plan. Possibly because children are only charming to me when they are calm and wiggling about in tutus.

Anyway, the point is, he just joined Match in Seattle and naturally I made him send me all the women he is getting sent from the fine folks at Match. "Here they are," he wrote me. "I had no idea there were this many attractive women in their 40s. However, apparently I checked the box that said 'No limit to how many ax handles across the ass.'"

Nice.

"I like Claire!" I wrote him. Claire had long brown curly hair, but not bad hair like mine. Nice defined curls, and clear skin and she looked normal. "But I know you're gonna go for SouthernTransplant69. She looks like an obnoxious drunk slob." And before you get up in my grille (I WANT HER OUT OF MY GRILLE!), Cardinal picked ME, so what do you think I am?

"I WAS leaning toward her," said Cardinal. See? I know his type.

"TEAM CLAIRE!" I wrote back, being an annoying picking-teams person.

So I'm just saying. If you are on Match in Seattle, my friend Cardinal is out there, and I can write a letter of rec0mmendation for him if you want. Or maybe we could do kind of a Mystery Date here on this site!

 Get him now, before his senior year. He will want to be free then.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

263 thoughts on “Cardinal”

  1. I need that t-shirt!
    Dying. The most June will cook for dinner is popcorn or if he’s REALLY lucky, she’ll share her rice cakes and chocolate with him.If Hulk was up… er.. awake, I think he would say, “Screw the Thai… I’ll just take the blowie.” Hi, Mom.
    Zadge cracked me up! This certainly isn’t the first time the comments have gone berserk. I wonder how many novice readers we’ve collectively scared away?

    Like

  2. Cosmo’s dad does it again! LOL!
    kd–where in SoCal are you?
    furry–any news today, you probably would have told us but I remember you said you’d here on thursday….

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  3. Sort of related to the blowies…..you have never heard a group of people make more dirty jokes than when one of the printers in my office tells someone they have a rear door jam. One of our partners just had a rear door jam and it was immediately followed by an unexpected size message. I told him sometimes unexpected sizes do cause rear door jams. THEN my printer ran out of paper so I told the partner I’m just completely empty and therefore will not have a rear door jam anytime soon. Hey, you try to entertain yourselves in any possible way when you work in corporate law. We happen to do so by acting like we’re all 12 year olds.

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  4. I’m in the Pasadena “area” of SoCal, Mattie. Cosmo’s dad, you are baaaad. But very funny. Haven’t heard “der” either, but thanks for education me.

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  5. Jan, I understand your pain. It’s hard to see your idols grow old and retire. But you chose well, grasshoppper. I have a friend who lives near Greg Maddux in Vegas and thinks the world of him. A class act and first round Hall of Famer to be sure. There is still joy in Mudville. Theo Epstein is going to turn the downtrodden Cubs around, I guarantee it. (Sorry for the baseball digression June, but I thought Jan needed a positive boost.)

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  6. Jan, I used to work for a law firm that represented a fairly large number of pro athletes and, being in Atlanta, quite a few of them were Braves players. I can tell you that Tom Glavine is a cutie patootie hottie in person. And he’s super nice. One of my co-workers/friends poured coffee right in his lap one day and he just laughed and told her not to worry about it one bit.

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  7. Letha, he just had ANOTHER rear door jam caused by an unexpected size. Then he came over to use my printer and I told him he’d better not jam my rear door too. His rear door jams seem to be becoming a habit today and I want no part of it. Hee!

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  8. Cosmo’s Dad, you’re home early for a Thursday. I thought Friday was your day to comment before late night.

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  9. I miss working at a law firm. At the bank, we always have examiners all up in our grille, so we can’t be infantile. I really miss that.

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  10. Congrats Hulk!!
    I couldn’t watch the video at work. And when I played it at home poor One Balled Pete went nuts. Whining. On the bed. Off the bed. On the bed. Sniff the trash 8 million times. Heck – he is still whining trying to find the source of the grill.
    Cardy – both your younguns are adorable!!

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  11. I just got back from taking my kid to the doctor and going to the Hell that is Wal-Mart, but I did 2 RAoK’s while I was out.
    The first was leaving the doctor’s office and getting on the bypass the right lane was so crowded and no one would let a lady in an SUV in, but I did. I couldn’t believe the people in front of me wouldn’t let her in, she had her signal on and was slowing down, because they weren’t going any faster and we were all stopped at a red light, but there you go.
    The second was while in the hellish Wal-Mart I was in a small aisle with a lady in a wheelchair cart. She saw me looking at some potholders that were out of her reach and she asked if I would mind handing her one of them. So I did.
    Also I gave the Salvation Army bell ringer in front of the store a dollar.
    All this nice is wearing me out! 😉

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  12. You guys are on fire today,I’m sitting here at Starbucks just cracking up, along with a few tears. This wedding should be great!
    Cosmo’s Dad, how could you leave Hermosa Beach. I live in Manhattan Beach and it is nice and sunny today!

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  13. Novice readers Zadge? Heck, I’ve been around for well over a year and comments like today can still get away from me.
    By the way Dad of Cosmo, it goes both ways for that RAoK…uh huh. That’s all I gotta say. Yup.

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  14. Shat again, I meant Hi “Mother”.
    Sorry Mother, I know I don’t know you well enough to call you “Mom”. Now I’m all befuddled since June schooled Cardinal on his commas and parenthesis, I don’t know where the hell to put my commas.

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  15. RAoK reportage, MissusB, who may or may not exist. I scooped up a little black pekingese that was lost and drove around harassing strangers for an hour until I found somebody who knew somebody who knew how to contact somebody who would have a way of finding the owner. The little smashed-in-face cutie is back with her family this evening. And I met 9 neighbors in my greater neighborhood.
    My husband didn’t want to tell me that there was a lost dog in the street. But because he is a good guy he already had the leash and some doggie treats in hand in when told me . He is always afraid I won’t be able to find the doggie’s home and we’ll end up with another dog in the house.

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  16. I am totally getting that wedding-cake topper.
    I’ll buy June whatever ring she wants…
    IF she can name five players on the Cleveland Indians. NO LOOKING AT THE WEBSITE, JUNE!
    Oh, who are we kidding? Like June could find the Cleveland Indians website…

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  17. I am totally getting that wedding-cake topper.
    I’ll buy June whatever ring she wants…
    IF she can name five players on the Cleveland Indians. NO LOOKING AT THE WEBSITE, JUNE!
    Oh, who are we kidding? Like June could find the Cleveland Indians website…

    Like

  18. I am totally getting that wedding-cake topper.
    I’ll buy June whatever ring she wants…
    IF she can name five players on the Cleveland Indians. NO LOOKING AT THE WEBSITE, JUNE!
    Oh, who are we kidding? Like June could find the Cleveland Indians website…

    Like

  19. My December 12th RAoKs
    Filled the vending machines at work with some spare change.
    The Salvation Army had a family of ringers outside the grocery store. So I gave the little boy ringer a dollar going in and on the way out I told him he was doing such a good job that I gave them another dollar.
    Got to my car to put groceries away and a nice homeless older man came up and said he would put my cart away for me. So I gave him a few bucks too.

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  20. June-did you hear that? That was me with a big giant “WHEH-SHEEEEWWWWWWWW”…

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  21. Sadie - June, maybe you can study sports trivia in your spare time to, you know, get that large sparkly diamond. And Hulk can study the art of dog whispering to get...what was it he wanted? Oh, yeah, sex. says:

    I haven’t seen the movie Diner in quite a while, but didn’t the girlfriend/fiancee have to pass a sports quiz or something? Reminds me of Hulk and June.

    Like

  22. Sadie - June, maybe you can study sports trivia in your spare time to, you know, get that large sparkly diamond. And Hulk can study the art of dog whispering to get...what was it he wanted? Oh, yeah, sex. says:

    I haven’t seen the movie Diner in quite a while, but didn’t the girlfriend/fiancee have to pass a sports quiz or something? Reminds me of Hulk and June.

    Like

  23. Sadie - June, maybe you can study sports trivia in your spare time to, you know, get that large sparkly diamond. And Hulk can study the art of dog whispering to get...what was it he wanted? Oh, yeah, sex. says:

    I haven’t seen the movie Diner in quite a while, but didn’t the girlfriend/fiancee have to pass a sports quiz or something? Reminds me of Hulk and June.

    Like

  24. YES! The Baltimore Colts test!
    Sadie, that is BRILLIANT! I TOTALLY have to make that test up.

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  25. Hulk, one wonders why you think I have to pass some sort of test to get you. Shouldt YOU be jumping through hoops to get ME? I mean, who is outkicking his coverage, here?

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  26. Hulk ("Outkicked his coverage"???Yikes. That is the SECOND sports reference I have heard you use correctly? Why am I starting to sweat?) says:

    Who would have to live in constant fear of being accused of murdering countless dogs and cats? All you have to do is have sex and let me hang with my buddies once in a while…

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  27. Hulk ("Outkicked his coverage"???Yikes. That is the SECOND sports reference I have heard you use correctly? Why am I starting to sweat?) says:

    Who would have to live in constant fear of being accused of murdering countless dogs and cats? All you have to do is have sex and let me hang with my buddies once in a while…

    Like

  28. Hulk ("Outkicked his coverage"???Yikes. That is the SECOND sports reference I have heard you use correctly? Why am I starting to sweat?) says:

    Who would have to live in constant fear of being accused of murdering countless dogs and cats? All you have to do is have sex and let me hang with my buddies once in a while…

    Like

  29. Outkicking coverage… you’ve got a boner and it is peeking through your fly?

    Like

  30. Sadie was one of the witnesses to both the proposal and the acceptance. Hulk, my advice is to start moving everyone thing up out of Edsel's reach. says:

    June, making Hulk sweat since December 8, 2011 at 9:09am when she accepted his heartfelt proposal in front of tens of readers.

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  31. Sadie was one of the witnesses to both the proposal and the acceptance. Hulk, my advice is to start moving everyone thing up out of Edsel's reach. says:

    June, making Hulk sweat since December 8, 2011 at 9:09am when she accepted his heartfelt proposal in front of tens of readers.

    Like

  32. Sadie was one of the witnesses to both the proposal and the acceptance. Hulk, my advice is to start moving everyone thing up out of Edsel's reach. says:

    June, making Hulk sweat since December 8, 2011 at 9:09am when she accepted his heartfelt proposal in front of tens of readers.

    Like

  33. Sadie - Must be time to call it quits for tonight. Can't wait to read the next chapter in "Michigan to North Carolina: The Long Commute." says:

    I meant start moving everything not *everyone thing.*

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  34. Sadie - Must be time to call it quits for tonight. Can't wait to read the next chapter in "Michigan to North Carolina: The Long Commute." says:

    I meant start moving everything not *everyone thing.*

    Like

  35. Sadie - Must be time to call it quits for tonight. Can't wait to read the next chapter in "Michigan to North Carolina: The Long Commute." says:

    I meant start moving everything not *everyone thing.*

    Like

  36. And June-seriously?
    Apparently you are easier to get into than junior college…

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  37. Dying at Mother.
    I think you have chosen wisely Hulk, of course, I have been picked to be in the wedding so I think it’s a DELIGHTFUL idea! Even if you are outkicking your coverage… or as I like to say, in over your skis.

    Like

  38. Damn! I always read the comments but the times I actually think of somewhat witty things to say I’ve waited until 10pm to read and everyone has already said way funnier things than I could ever think of! I’ll never make it to Faithful Reader status at this rate!

    Like

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