In case you were thinking I was going to stampede to the topic of gifts I have received from people and am just forgetting to tell you that Roger came home, that is in fact not the case. As there is still no Roger. But thanks for bringing up that painful topic.
In fact, last night, Tallulah, Edsel and I were on the couch, catching up on another stunning episode of Real Housewives, and I had my cat trap set up on the porch with my dirty laundry on top of it.
Kick 'em when they're up, kick 'em when they're down.
You're welcome. I hate that song.
Anyway, I thought I heard a meow. I sat up. Then I thought I heard a second, insistent,"MEOW!" I TOSSED the ludicrous Christmas throw off of me–and really how could a Christmas throw be anything but ludicrous–sent my bowl of nutritious Tostitos flying, because when I watch Real Housewives I like to feed my body and soul, and flew to the door.
No cat. I'm telling you, I HEARD it. There was no cat howling at Kyle's white party on the show. It was not coming from my TV. So now I'm hallucinating on top of everything else.
Where is that cat? Why won't he come home? I just want him to come home. I mean, yes. I will beat him mercilessly, but after that I will be so glad to see him.
ANYWAY, today's topic is gifts. And how it is better to receive. Because friends and faithful readers alike have been sending me things for Christmas and then telling me, "You have to open it now. You can't wait till Christmas," which means on Christmas day Ima be sitting under an empty tree with crickets chirping. Because someone got me a cricket farm. Bah!
Mrs. Oh, who could not love herself more if she tried, made me a Barry Gibb ornament crafted from a starfish. I totally put it right in front on my tree, and when Barry Gibb comes over to propose to me he will be so happy to see it. Did I mention I am hallucinating?
My friend Melinda? Of the I-adopted-Ladybird Melindas? Made chocolates. And did I mention she's a chemistry professor, as I am? So there's a little image of the formula or whatever for serotonin on the package. Her Christmas card also had a chemical formula on it. Who sleighs me? See what I did, there?
Dear Guests, I have already eaten 47 pieces of Melinda's candy. Don't get your hopes up. But it was really good and you should be happy that I was happy. Merry Christmas. Love, June.
My best friend Pal from MA and I were on the phone last night. "Open two of your gifts," she commanded. "Open the two narrow boxes." "The ones that look like shoe boxes?" "They ARE shoe boxes." Look at those shoes. Are they screaming, "JUNE! JOOOOOOOON!" in giant silver letters? Who knows me? Who knows me too well?
Okay, you cannot tell, but these have GLITTER all over them! It's like Laura Petrie went all slutty all of a sudden! I am TOTALLY WEARING THEM to work today and I don't even care. Stripper Laura Petrie is STEPPING OUT. So excited about my new shoes.