I am berserk · June's stupid life

Do you know the way…

100_1082The St. Joseph candle TinaDoris got me yesterday. It's supposed to bring you employment. Or children's aspirin. I forget. You know, I never made the association between St. Joseph and San Jose before. Quick, is what I am.

I am blue. Blue blue blue. I am dark blue. I am azure. Is azure actually darker than regular blue? I never took art. Anyway, sad. Me=sad.

And don't even send me any "Cheer up, June. Things'll get better" comments. Because how many of those have you effing sent me this year? I'll tell you how many. Nine hundred thousand and fourteen, that's how many. And you know what? Every time you've told me things will get better? THEY GET WORSE. Is the thing.

My cousin called and said, "Job wonders what you did to piss God off." So do I. Seriously, am I that bad of a person?

I sat here last night and thought of all the people who have it worse than me. There are people who don't have their health, of course. And homeless people, which I will be in about a month. And there are the unattractive.

See. This is why God is annoyed with me.

Oh, but speaking of attractive, take a gander at what my Aunt Kathy put on Facebook yesterday:

422572_2559618598431_1493022808_31895182_1903873613_n
Octobr 16, 1979. My grandmother's 63rd birthday. Happy birthday, grandma! We are having a brown theme!

That's Aunt Sue looking all hot and about 15 years old, there, on the right. Truthfully she doesn't look that much different. She does not age. Then next to her in the sporty yellow stripes is my cousin Jimmy, who no longer calls himself Jimmy but James and you can imagine how those of us related to him have stuck right with that. Anyway, even though he's (OHMYGOD!) 35 now, he pretty much looks like that too, sans the bowl hair. Then my cousin Katie is hanging in her Holly Hobbie finest, there, on my lap.

Let's talk about my hair. I mean, I know we need to delve into the person who took this, who felt the need to cover the 15 feet of (brown) wallpaper rather than, you know, us, and the (brown) dishes that Katie and I TOTALLY REMEMBER, but that HAIR. Why did anyone let me go out like that? Why was some of it, you know, FLIPPING FORWARD in that fashion?

At least I had my Kraft Parmesan Cheese. Which I still love. See? Things could be worse. They could've discontinued Kraft Parmesan Cheese.

You know your life sucks when that's all you've got to cling to.

Anyway, TinaDoris and I went out yesterday to the nutty crunchy crystal store, and she got her fortune told, which she probably doesn't want me announcing the details of to tens of readers. But luckily for me it was free energy day, as opposed to Sheer Energy day–Sheer! Energeeeee!–and I got 15 minutes of reiki.

If you do not know what that is, I highly recommend it. If you feel ooky about getting your cards read or your fortune told, reiki is just someone who can tune into your body and provide healing energy.

SHEER! ENERGYYYY!

I have to stop thinking about that stupid commercial.

 

Did you really think I wouldn't find this commercial? How much coke had that stewardess DONE?

Anyway, my point is, the reiki was good. And I am throwing in her email and phone number if anyone local wants any energy healing, because she really was great. bjwike7@gmail.com 336.681.7038. She had sheer energy.

I will stop.

So after my day with TinaDoris I spent about three hours sobbing nonstop, and I even called Marvin's mother. Yes, I did. I was sad. Hi, Marvin's mom.

Finally, though, it was time to watch Tall Boy on VH-1 Classic. Did I fail to mention he was gonna be on VH-1 Classic? He was. He was on, ironically, a music documentary. Talking about Rush.

I know.

Tall Boy is kind of microcosmically famous for knowing about Rush and Tool and other bands I've never heard of, and he's written a book about all this and people are way up into him. And he is also a huge Rick James expert. Okay. I made that last part up. But that would be hilarious.

So I had to SIT there, and dry my EYES, and watch this WHOLE docuMENtary, just like the old days, about ohmygod, bands I had never heard of and never WANT to hear of, and also Rick James every once in awhile,

 

but it was so worth it because every five minutes or so, there'd be Tall Boy yammering on like he knew what he was talking about. In case you saw said documentary last night (really?), he was the only man (and yes, it was ALL MEN on this thing) who was remotely appealing on there. And I have just narrowed it down for you considerably. Because for some reason? Men who like that genre of music? Not pretty.

Maybe it's because Tall Boy wears glitter in his braids.

I need to get over stuff today.

I have to go get ready because Dick Whitman and I are going out. We are gonna take advantage of the fact that everyone else will be watching TV today so things'll be uncrowded. By the way, I talked to Hulk last night and asked him about the Super Bowl and who he wanted to win and things like that. I think he is still talking and has no idea I hung up 15 hours ago.

Okay, pulling on my Sheer Energy pantyhose and getting out of here.

198 thoughts on “Do you know the way…

  1. June, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about your situation, and since you’ve banned any reference to the many positives in your life, I won’t go there.
    Instead, I think you need something to channel your blues. My suggestion it that whenever something bad happens, throw your hands to the sky and say, “Hasa Diga Eebowai.”
    If it works for the poor African villagers in the Broadway hit, The Book of Mormon, it’ll sure as hell work for you.

    Like

  2. Hulk (Seriously! I mean, is that what plastic surgery and botox does to a person?? Who the HELL would WILLINGLY change their face to look like that?) says:

    Flipping through the channels during a commercial break from golf, and I ran across that Real Housewives nonsense. Aside from the fact that it is a mind-numbingly stupid show, I do have one question:
    What the F*UCK is wrong with their faces???

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  3. Hulk (Seriously! I mean, is that what plastic surgery and botox does to a person?? Who the HELL would WILLINGLY change their face to look like that?) says:

    Flipping through the channels during a commercial break from golf, and I ran across that Real Housewives nonsense. Aside from the fact that it is a mind-numbingly stupid show, I do have one question:
    What the F*UCK is wrong with their faces???

    Like

  4. Hulk (Seriously! I mean, is that what plastic surgery and botox does to a person?? Who the HELL would WILLINGLY change their face to look like that?) says:

    Flipping through the channels during a commercial break from golf, and I ran across that Real Housewives nonsense. Aside from the fact that it is a mind-numbingly stupid show, I do have one question:
    What the F*UCK is wrong with their faces???

    Like

  5. You’ve got my head spinning, Anita, and I haven’t had a thing to drink. Yet.

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  6. I am having Corona’s for the SB and PW’s Spicy Whiskey Sliders which have been making the house smell divine all day. June is quiet which means she got out of the robe and is out having fun with DW.

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  7. June–I have written a new life motto. You are welcome to share it with me if you’d like. It goes like this: “F*#k everybody and everything. Everything sucks. Get out of my face or I’ll punch you. Not a threat–it’s a promise.”
    I’ve kinda had a bad week.

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  8. Poor JPaula must really be sick-
    Get well soooon- we miss you!!

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  9. Is everyone drinking PBR for the SB, or will someone be splurging on that black alcoholic tar from the roads of a destroyed African village that June recommended?

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  10. Rick James in a speedo. You just never know what you will get at the Pie. Superbowl might be on but I’d rather watch the Puppy Bowl instead. If it was my beloved Packers playing, I’d be all about the Superbowl but with these two pretenders? Not so much.

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  11. Anita, you I can deny nothing. It’s yours for as long as you want it.
    Hulk, we agree. On that at least.

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  12. Would so like to go to Parma for some real cheese. That makes sense on why it up is capitalized. What sort of crappy Italian am I?

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  13. PJ and Amish-
    Correctomundo on the cheeses-
    “Cheese names are capitalized because they are named after regions of origin”-wikipoodia-
    Congratulations-you each win a giant wheel of cheese!

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  14. Terri, that and the fact that the Cowboys suck ass and will probably never make it to another Super Bowl again..... says:

    uh who cares about a football game when the RHOeverywhere are on all day??????

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  15. Rush and Tool envy…
    I don’t care really Peter. But I am sick to death of Tom Btady and his perfect life.
    So I bet the over.

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  16. Now I am going to have to google this reiki because I don’t know what it is nor do I know how to pronounce it.
    Peter, you are going to have to learn to share your avatar mister. I think this one shows up when I am on my iPad.

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  17. Amish-
    Let’s hope it isn’t the Hotel California-‘cuz you know, she could check in but she could never leave…

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  18. 1. Did you call Marvin and ask him to come over so the 2 of you could watch Tall Boy’s documentary together? Because it would be hilarious for Marvin to have Rush and Tool envy.
    2. Glad you had a good experience with reiki. Its a good way to take care of yourself.
    3. Also cats & dogs love reiki. Especially cats. Very relaxing.

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  19. What’s up with the avatar gods? Anita, that is NOT your avatar, it’s mine. And a couple of days ago, I wound up with Barb from Milwaukee’s. This has got to stop!
    Hulk, it’s good to see you back in top form and actually awake after those miserable weeks of graveyard shifts. But you’re dreaming if you think the Giants are going to beat Tom Brady. Go Pats!!!!

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  20. PJ, I think Gruyere cheese is capitalized too but I could be wrong.

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  21. Aw shucks Mary Lou, thanks!
    Wondering if June relocated, where would it be?

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  22. PJ I think Parmesan is capitalized because it comes from Parma or something like that. Too lazy to look it up. says:

    Oh that Sheer Energy dancing thing. And what’s with those two little backward kicks as she’s walking away? Looks like an angry horse or mule or something.
    Remember the anti-gravity high heels that were supposed to be so comfortable you’d want to play basketball in them? Sheesh.

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  23. PJ I think Parmesan is capitalized because it comes from Parma or something like that. Too lazy to look it up. says:

    Oh that Sheer Energy dancing thing. And what’s with those two little backward kicks as she’s walking away? Looks like an angry horse or mule or something.
    Remember the anti-gravity high heels that were supposed to be so comfortable you’d want to play basketball in them? Sheesh.

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  24. PJ I think Parmesan is capitalized because it comes from Parma or something like that. Too lazy to look it up. says:

    Oh that Sheer Energy dancing thing. And what’s with those two little backward kicks as she’s walking away? Looks like an angry horse or mule or something.
    Remember the anti-gravity high heels that were supposed to be so comfortable you’d want to play basketball in them? Sheesh.

    Like

  25. I’m reiki II certified & I can tell you reiki tends to kick up the emotional dust so to speak. I’d gladly send you long distance reiki (free!)if you think it might help push that mind junk thru. Going out & having a nice afternoon with DW will help too.

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  26. Big deja vu here with that Eagles song in comments. June, call us from your flatbed Ford when you get to that corner in Winslow, Arizona.
    Also, *tryin to loosen my load*. Worst Eagles’ lyrics ever.

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  27. A snit!! Sort of like a hissy fit but without the dramatics.

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  28. Just found four Mike’s Hard Lemonades left over from the summer in the garage fridge!
    I am yang to June’s yin…

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  29. Amish A/P-
    But if you WERE, you would be an adorkable dork-

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  30. Hulk (If I was there I'd slap you with your own liver...until the game came back on. Then if you were still crying I'd have to ask you to go into the other room...) says:

    DW is gonna be in an absolute SNIT when he finds you dressed like that…

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  31. Hulk (If I was there I'd slap you with your own liver...until the game came back on. Then if you were still crying I'd have to ask you to go into the other room...) says:

    DW is gonna be in an absolute SNIT when he finds you dressed like that…

    Like

  32. Hulk (If I was there I'd slap you with your own liver...until the game came back on. Then if you were still crying I'd have to ask you to go into the other room...) says:

    DW is gonna be in an absolute SNIT when he finds you dressed like that…

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  33. You are like my own reiki via internet. You make me laugh, even at the depressing crap. That’s a gift.
    Ima watch the Superbowl today. Don’t know who’s playing. Just want the snacks. And beverages.

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  34. Did you really call the assisted living place to volunteer? That’s awesome if you did!!
    Don’t even get me started on your Gramma’s kitchen. Vintage kitchens are my specialty. I had a huge room full of vintage kitchen stuff, tables and chairs, dishes, glassware, bakeware, cupboards, curtains and on and on back when my antique shop was open. That was MY THING, vintage kitchen. And I love your Gramma’s matching dishes including the covered butter dish and I love her wallpaper and I love her vintage salad bowl and I love that one glass with wheat on it and IS THAT A LITTLE MILK OR CREAM PITCHER IN THE TOP LEFT??!!! And the lace curtain at the door window and and and and…

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  35. Sadie is totally correct about the Reiki pushing the sadness out. Before you and DW leave take Lu & Eds on a long walk around the neighborhood. That will really help. If you lived closer I would tell you to come by and eat with us. We will have the game on, but we watch mainly for the commercials and to have an excuse to fix the velveeta, salsa & meat dip in the crock pot and other equally bad for you snack foods!

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  36. It could be worse – you could have an unattractive black man with a wig and a white leisure suit in your bedroom saying “give me that stuff.”
    Although I’m sure your stuff is sweet and funky.
    GO GIANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  37. Geez, June-LIGHTEN UP would ya? While you still can?
    Don’t even TRY to understand all the carp going on around you-
    Just find a place, other than your bed, to make a stand and take it easy, for the love-a-
    Just ‘cuz you’re spinnin’ your wheels right now isn’t going to drive you crazy, girl!

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  38. I agree with Sadie, no silent film either!!

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  39. Ok, if you are too sad to leave the house, have DW bring over The Birdcage and watch it while still wearing your pajamas and robe.

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  40. Ok, if you are too sad to leave the house, have DW bring over The Birdcage and watch it while still wearing your pajamas and robe.

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  41. Ok, if you are too sad to leave the house, have DW bring over The Birdcage and watch it while still wearing your pajamas and robe.

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  42. People do it, yes. Lazy ass people. Get up June and get your scrawny butt dressed and go have fun with your Dick!

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  43. *The knee-hi’s came in lots of awesome colors and would hold my ponytail high and tight. Maybe I should figure out a way to fashion a bra out of knee-hi’s.*
    Dying!
    *anyone local wants any energy healing, because she really was great.*
    June, I’m guessing the healing energy is pushing all of your sadness out today to make room for the positive.
    And, while you are counting your blessings, don’t forget to add at least you did not get butted in the kneecap by a goat horn.

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  44. *The knee-hi’s came in lots of awesome colors and would hold my ponytail high and tight. Maybe I should figure out a way to fashion a bra out of knee-hi’s.*
    Dying!
    *anyone local wants any energy healing, because she really was great.*
    June, I’m guessing the healing energy is pushing all of your sadness out today to make room for the positive.
    And, while you are counting your blessings, don’t forget to add at least you did not get butted in the kneecap by a goat horn.

    Like

  45. *The knee-hi’s came in lots of awesome colors and would hold my ponytail high and tight. Maybe I should figure out a way to fashion a bra out of knee-hi’s.*
    Dying!
    *anyone local wants any energy healing, because she really was great.*
    June, I’m guessing the healing energy is pushing all of your sadness out today to make room for the positive.
    And, while you are counting your blessings, don’t forget to add at least you did not get butted in the kneecap by a goat horn.

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  46. Do you have some pajama pants? People do it all the time.

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  47. Do you have some pajama pants? People do it all the time.

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  48. Do you have some pajama pants? People do it all the time.

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  49. Your cousin Jimmie looks like my cousin Jimmie’s twin, except for the 1957 haircut-he was a cutie with the biggest s**t eating grin-
    Jimbo’s put on a few pounds since then but the grin’s still the same-
    Have fun with DW and go see a comedy- you need a good popcorn and soda spewing afternoon!
    Karla- that WAS hilarious!
    Kelly Pie- went to a winter indoor beach party years ago and my girlfriend and I decided to wear pantyhose, so our legs wouldn’t look pasty white in our shorts. The hosts thought we were ridiculous-who wears pantyhose under shorts!
    Yeah, well who fills their entire basement with sand…it was desert storm when the dancing started.
    Think WE had the last laugh!

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  50. We used to decorate the Leggs eggs and then have a hunt around the house whether it was Easter or not. Ahhh the 70s.

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  51. We used to decorate the Leggs eggs and then have a hunt around the house whether it was Easter or not. Ahhh the 70s.

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  52. We used to decorate the Leggs eggs and then have a hunt around the house whether it was Easter or not. Ahhh the 70s.

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  53. Dear Protests-Too-Much Hulk,
    I like those sensitive artist types. You know what I wish I could do? Get in the fucking car and leave. Just move to a new town and never look at Greensboro again. If I were not responsible for this house and 48 animals I would so be driving down the road trying to loosen my load.

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  54. Tall Boy just called and said if I start crying again today, he is gonna come over and dance to Rick James. Now I have to go chop an onion or something, because I must see that. In other news, could Rick James be less appealing?

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  55. You know, there really aren’t enough plastic eggs anymore. I liked plastic eggs. I mean, I knew you can go to a craft store and buy them, but it’s really not the same.

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  56. Thanks June. So a new job and a new romance.
    well WHERE IN THE EFF IS IT?
    *sigh*
    when these things arrive we are going to party like rock stars and erase january from our brains.

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  57. Oh jeez, Sheer Energy. In “Suntan.” When I was a cheerleader in junior high, we wore Sheer Energy with our uniforms so that our legs would look all nice and tan while we cheered for our flag football team.
    Years ago, I was fired from a job and it was so traumatizing, especially the events leading up to it, that I had nightmares about it for about 6 months.
    But at least I was not of the Unattractive so there was that.

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  58. Oh June things will get better – just kidding – don’t hit me with your liver!! Besides – you know I am the room’s pessimist.
    I need me some Sheer Energy the bodysuit and vitamin. Cuz Mrs. Oh lacks the energy today – heck everyday.
    What ever happend to UnderAlls. Remember the commericial and the butt cheeks did this wink-wink thing.
    Yeah – I need me some winkin’ butt cheeks.

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  59. Go see “One For the Money”. Laugh out loud funny, explosions, hot guys (Hi DW!). Super Bowl, Schmuper Bowl. It’s all East Coast, so who cares. Oh wait, there’s ads!

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  60. I had Aunt Sue’s top! Ha! But I did not embellish the design as nicely as she.
    I will watch the Super Bowl, but only for the commercials and the half time show.
    I’m sorry you are sad, June, but TTFU.

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  61. That little boy was not Uncle Jim, but Uncle Jim’s son, Jimmy. Sue really looks like not Jennifer. You maybe haven’t seen her as often as I have in the last few years. I am confused as to the kitchen door in that picture. Was the dining room table in that corner of the room? It seems like it would have been in the way there. Oh well, these detail would only be important to our family and not your readers, and really, it’s probably not that important to our family either.

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  62. And all the crying. You and Pa Ingalls with the tears…
    Of course, I shudder to think of what Pa’s emotional state would have been if he had had YOUR luck…

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  63. Sheer Energy! I remember once when I was about 20 or so, I put on my Sheer Energy pantyhose and then acted like they had possessed my legs and started running around the house in my underwear yelling “Get these pantyhose off of me, they won’t let me stop! They have too much energy!” I thought I was hilarious! Sadly, I still think I am hilarious.
    Have a fun day with Dick!

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  64. was the Sheer Energy the one that would “lift and seperate”? Or is it tuck and roll…

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  65. was the Sheer Energy the one that would “lift and seperate”? Or is it tuck and roll…

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  66. was the Sheer Energy the one that would “lift and seperate”? Or is it tuck and roll…

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  67. All these years and the Parmesan can really hasn’t changed. That’s sort of comforting. And does anyone actually use cups with saucers anymore? Aunt Sue’s stripes seem strategically placed to not at all draw attention to the chestular area. Uncle Jimmy was a cutie.
    That is all for my analysis of your 1979 photo.

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  68. I just want to remind of the good things you do have… a great stereo, lenient rules and a nice class ring.
    I used to buy knee-hi’s, cut the toe off and use it as a ponytail holder. I had a LOT of hair and standard pony holders wouldn’t hold it. The knee-hi’s came in lots of awesome colors and would hold my ponytail high and tight. Maybe I should figure out a way to fashion a bra out of knee-hi’s.
    I am 100% sure the man I take care of saw said documentary featuring Tall Boy because he watched either VH-1, VH-1 Classics or MTV almost exclusively.

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  69. Pantyhose in a plastic egg. Yup, I wore them. And your picture was a blast from the past. Especially the parmesan cheese sitting on the table. We had very similar wallpaper in our dining room, too. Circa 1976. I remember how happy my mother was with it. My father did all the paperhanging in our house.
    I won’t tell you to cheer up, June. There’s an appropriate time for frustration and tears. But I will say you are right to appreciate your good health. Hey, let’s all share the crappiest aspect of our lives and then you’ll have a better perspective on *your* life!!!! Nah….that would be depressing…..or hilarious, depending on who you are.
    P.S. I’m not understanding a post without 3859281908 animal pictures. I’m also not understanding the candle to help you find a job. Good luck with that one….and I am a praying woman….but not Catholic. Oh well. Here’s to counting your blessings, June! Don’t you just hate that saying?

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  70. Pantyhose in a plastic egg. Yup, I wore them. And your picture was a blast from the past. Especially the parmesan cheese sitting on the table. We had very similar wallpaper in our dining room, too. Circa 1976. I remember how happy my mother was with it. My father did all the paperhanging in our house.
    I won’t tell you to cheer up, June. There’s an appropriate time for frustration and tears. But I will say you are right to appreciate your good health. Hey, let’s all share the crappiest aspect of our lives and then you’ll have a better perspective on *your* life!!!! Nah….that would be depressing…..or hilarious, depending on who you are.
    P.S. I’m not understanding a post without 3859281908 animal pictures. I’m also not understanding the candle to help you find a job. Good luck with that one….and I am a praying woman….but not Catholic. Oh well. Here’s to counting your blessings, June! Don’t you just hate that saying?

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  71. Pantyhose in a plastic egg. Yup, I wore them. And your picture was a blast from the past. Especially the parmesan cheese sitting on the table. We had very similar wallpaper in our dining room, too. Circa 1976. I remember how happy my mother was with it. My father did all the paperhanging in our house.
    I won’t tell you to cheer up, June. There’s an appropriate time for frustration and tears. But I will say you are right to appreciate your good health. Hey, let’s all share the crappiest aspect of our lives and then you’ll have a better perspective on *your* life!!!! Nah….that would be depressing…..or hilarious, depending on who you are.
    P.S. I’m not understanding a post without 3859281908 animal pictures. I’m also not understanding the candle to help you find a job. Good luck with that one….and I am a praying woman….but not Catholic. Oh well. Here’s to counting your blessings, June! Don’t you just hate that saying?

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  72. June…saw 4 movies this week as I am divorced, work late and see a movie before I come home…do not go see The Grey……too much wolves and killing and such….I saw Big Miracle with my 11 year old niece and she said it was the best movie she has ever seen and now wants her Jr.Girl Scout Troop to raise $$ for endangered animals all over the world…Also, it took place in 1988 and is worth it to see the hair and clothes from 20 years ago. Have fun at your movie and please review once you have viewed it.Hi to DW.

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  73. Dancer, she just kept saying, I see you in a new job, and I do not think I said it here on my blog because (a) I ignored it because I thought it could not be true, but I still have all her predictions written down and there should be a (b) here but eff it. She also said there would be a new romance in the first quarter of the year and that every time I got knocked down it would be okay. I still am at the point where I am like, REALLY? REALLY? Because I have HAD IT. I am Pa Ingalls shaking his fist at the long winter.

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  74. This didn’t post the other day, so here is my suggestion for the name of June’s book – “Shittin’ Glitter” – think of the sparkly cover art!

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  75. 1. I’ve been quiet these past days because I KNEW everyone would be posting the “awwws” and “June, what happened?” and you would either be completely overwhelmed or want to cut someone.
    F. Can anyone point me to the post where June wrote about her cards being read? Or, did you completely tell us what was going to happen?
    IV. Because getting a new job this way totally sucks.
    Qautro. But maybe she said something else that was really great and it would be nice to know.
    fiftymillioneith. Have a great time with DW. I’m going to file taxes. And watch the Superbowl.

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  76. You look so cute in that picture. It was the 70s. Everyone had big hair. Jimmy and Katie look cute too and Sue looks so much like her daughter, doesn’t she?

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  77. …and so, for all those reasons, I think the Giants will win today.
    Hello?

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  78. Rats! Would loved to have seen Tall Boy but I don’t think I could’ve sat through a documentary for it. Also had to watch Contagion, because I need to freak myself out about germs and illness and world destruction and doom. Also? I knew that Gwenyth was a skanky ho.
    Have fun with DW!

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