In which June whips out the Johnson

I gots no idea what Ima blog about today. Did you ever try to blog every single day of your life? Because sometimes it's hard. You got nuthin'.

Yesterday …friend and I went to a movie (we saw Chico and Rita. We totally got to see cartoon sex.) then we had brunch, and there was another Art-O-Mat at the restaurant and of course I bought another $5 piece of art.

TskwI've talked about these 68 times, but Art-O-Mats are old cigarette machines that now have teensy pieces of art in them, from artists from just everywhere. I was torn between getting Scrabble earrings or this wood block, and I went for the block. I would photograph it for you but I am extremely busy.

Should I drive back today and get the Scrabble earrings, too? Please note how extremely employed I am.

Hey, did I tell you I'm freelancing at my old workplace starting later this week? Not the LAST place that laid me off, the place that laid me off before that.

Sigh.

This was where I had to bring in a childhood photo of me, remember? And they put it up in the lobby with everyone else's childhood picture?

6a00e54f9367fb88340133f244bad8970b-800wiHey, will you remind me to pick up a greenish-brown chair?

Okay, I just went into my archives to find the childhood picture, and I found this passage from back in July 2010:

I could not wait to get home and fix my bra straps. All day my left strap kept visiting my elbow, like they were long-lost friends who couldn't wait for a coffee klatch. Like they were Celie and Nettie in The Color Purple. You and me, us never part. Makidada.

Stupid effing strap. I'm certain I looked professional dipping down my shirt all day.

Who cracked her own self up with that? Also?

 

Here is the thing. Marvin found a lot of funny crap on the Internet and it contributed maturely to my blog. Without Marvin, we'd have never shared the "Hide your wife, hide your kids" guy with each other. I wish I could afford to hire Marvin as a consultant to find me stupid things for all y'all.

…friend is not into the Internet at all. Yesterday he said he thinks the Internet is more a girl thing, which I heartily disagree with. "What about porn?" I pointed out. What do you think? Girl thing or boy thing?

Tallulah just came in here and will not stop obsessively sniffing the floor, and I realize she is a dog and that is her job but it makes me nervous that there is a vole in here or something. I tell you what. If Roger were still alive I'd have no concern that Talu was on vole patrol. You get a blind kitten and a fancy-pants lovely cat to replace Roger, and sure, it's cute and all, but you don't feel quite so…protected.

Remember in Little Town on the Prairie when Laura had a new kitten and it totally killed a mouse even though the cat itself was not much bigger than the mouse? What Laura had, there, was a Roger kitten. And what do you mean no, you don't remember that?

Okay I am off. I have to go to the doctor today for my annual RICOLAAAAAAA! exam. Every year I pull out the RICOLAAAA! joke, and it just gets funnier. Ooo, but before I go, who watched Mad Men last night? That grandma is the best.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

82 thoughts on “In which June whips out the Johnson”

  1. Cute picture! I have nothing funny to say, I am tired and I have to work. Blah. Good thing I have the Draw Something game to keep me entertained! You should get that game on your fancy pants iPhone.

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  2. Boy thing in our house. My husband would be LOST without his laptop and/or smart phone.
    Love the old picture. My parents didn’t carve cool pumpkins like that. I got your standard triangles for eyes and nose carving.
    Hate the annual things. Mine is tomorrow. Yippee.
    Enjoy the beautiful weather.
    And, Draw Something, it’s addictive.

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  3. How come you’re still funny even though you think you have nothing to say?
    Ricola exam? Huh? All I can think of is that long horn. Oh! Maybe you yodel with that speculum up your nethers? Is that what you meant by you and your Johnson?
    Okay, I’ll wait to be liver slapped now…

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  4. I’ll Riiiicccooollllllaaaa ya. Imagine that same exam sans uterus. You can get your molars checked at the same time.

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  5. JP, did you have your bladder tacked up/put in a hammock/somehow secured? I got rid of my uterus (agree, best thing ever!) BUT now my bladder is wanting to come out and say hello. WTH? Yep. My visit tomorrow should be fun. Hey doc – here’s my bladder just for you. At least now I will laugh while he is up to his armpit thinking …. Riiiiccccooooolllllaaaaa.

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  6. JP, did you have your bladder tacked up/put in a hammock/somehow secured? I got rid of my uterus (agree, best thing ever!) BUT now my bladder is wanting to come out and say hello. WTH? Yep. My visit tomorrow should be fun. Hey doc – here’s my bladder just for you. At least now I will laugh while he is up to his armpit thinking …. Riiiiccccooooolllllaaaaa.

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  7. JP, did you have your bladder tacked up/put in a hammock/somehow secured? I got rid of my uterus (agree, best thing ever!) BUT now my bladder is wanting to come out and say hello. WTH? Yep. My visit tomorrow should be fun. Hey doc – here’s my bladder just for you. At least now I will laugh while he is up to his armpit thinking …. Riiiiccccooooolllllaaaaa.

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  8. I saw an Art-O-Mat for the first time…in an art museum. Of course, I thought of you when I saw it.

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  9. Nope, Karen, my bladder was left alone. I still have my cervix and the twins (ovaries), too. Idk why. I guess just the uterus was making trouble at the time.

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  10. Love Mad Men but didn’t watch last night yet. I heard it was strange. I also LOVE Breakout Kings. And my bladder is falling out. I got it all!

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  11. But, I think OJ had some kind of bladder tuck and now she only has to pee on the 15th and the 30th of the month.

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  12. Oh Karen, I’m having the bladder issue too. Had the uterus removed in 1996 – now when I sneeze, cough or laugh the ole bladder has to drop it’s two cents worth in as well. I’m thinking when she puts that carjack thing in there this year, maybe she could leave it in to prop up the bladder?

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  13. I haven’t caught the bug over the Draw game either, but I do play Words.

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  14. Huh…..I had forgotten about that childhood picture. I had that greenish-brown chair/sofa/loveseat. Except ours had a patchwork design on the back. It was the “modern” piece of furniture in our house.
    I love the inverted bowl to raise your pumpkin up to the height it deserves. And…a peace sign! Your parents were so hip that it even extended to their pumpkin carving. Feeling envious, so maybe I’ll carve one of those this year.

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  15. You joked about ‘while you are down there could you check my sinuses’, but there was a doctor here in my town, that if you went in with a sinus issue or a sore throat, he immediately demanded you disrobe and he then did a pelvic exam! There were several patients who were getting weekly pelvic exams. He ended up being brought up on charges and losing his license for about six months.

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  16. But, Judge, I was only checking for sinus drip!

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  17. “Before my mom jumps on here and gets all informative on our asses…”

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  18. Pantyhose on the head! Checking for transparency. Bah! And that grandma, she is SCARY. Sally was just coming around, now Grammy’s about to turn her into the bad seed again.
    Also, I think Peggy may go down lesbian lane soon.
    Bra strap story is hilarious.

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  19. Good thing that doctor lost his license! Geesh. “Hey doc, my big toe hurts” “Well let’s take a look up your yeehaw”.
    Bra strap story = funny. And relatable. My shoulders must slope like a ski resort.
    And I’m glad my girl things are gone too. Don’t miss ’em. Haven’t had the bladder problem but peeing just on the 15th and 30th would be a nicety.

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  20. It’s pretty scary how far trust me, I’m a doctor seems to get people. Like the ‘doctor’ who was doing free door to door breast exams.
    In other news, how amazing was the The Hunger Games film? Lenny Kravitz is so unintentionally sexy it’s ridiculous. Even when being a designer with gold eyeliner being a friend, he was sexy. He just can’t turn it off.

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  21. His defense was that his mother had cervical cancer and that he was doing cancer checks on these women. And it was a patient that turned him in because she went in for a cold and he wanted to do a pelvic check. I believe that he was able to get away with it because so many women don’t go to the doctor very often, and when they do how long has it been since your last pelvic?, new patient, etc. and they just may not have gone back.

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  22. I thought Peggy already tried lesbianism. Which was also a topic on Breakout Kings. LURD. Lesbian Until Release Date.

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  23. Reading today, is it really any wonder your dot bud there thinks the internet is for chicks?

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  24. Reading today, is it really any wonder your dot bud there thinks the internet is for chicks?

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  25. Reading today, is it really any wonder your dot bud there thinks the internet is for chicks?

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  26. dot bud.
    I said I think Peggy MAY be headed for changing lanes, is all. Did she already try the gay thing? I don’t remember that. I just remember that she went out with her lesbian friends and met a cute guy. Somebody straighten me out.

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  27. Laurie, Peggy is one of the characters on Mad Men. I was not clear about that when I started blabbing.
    Oh, is Neighbor Peg a lesbian? Not that there’s…

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  28. No, Laurie! Peggy is a character on Mad Men. And right, Letha, she went out with her gay friend and kissed a cute guy when the party got raided. She hasn’t done the Isle of Sappho dance yet to my knowledge…

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  29. Re: porn. Girl thing in my house…possibly because it’s only me in my house and there’s no action happenin’. No one lined up to ride at the fair. There’s a vacancy at the kitten cafe. No reservations in my inbox.
    Nothing happening is what I’m saying. Thank goodness my mom doesn’t read this blog.

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  30. Hmmmmm. I was wondering if I could catch hulk’s attention. Ask June to ask her friend Kellie @la vida dulce about me….we are friends IRL. AND then tell me what time your plane gets in to DFW. 😉

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  31. I thought I remembered Peggy kissing a woman. Oh. Maybe it was Pete Campbell. He’s pretty.
    So, to speculate, SPOILER ALERT, now that Joanie has shown Dr Rape the door, do you think she will go back to (sad, sad) Roger OR take up with Layne?

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  32. We had that chair in brown AND the (supposed to be) coordinating green sofa. Please tell me your chair swiveled, too. As a child, I thought that was so wonderful. No, I did not have any toys…why do you ask?

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  33. Dr. Rape! Paula, did you see the previews? I think Layne. But God knows, Roger will make his very best besotted effort to wangle back in.

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  34. I know! And Layne has a wife PLUS his father who didn’t like his last side dish. But Roger’s wife will KILL him, take all his money, and then come back to kill him some more. Poor Joanie.

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  35. Dawn in DC you can look up the Artomat website and they list the cities they are located in.

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  36. If you want a bra with straps that never fall down, look for a NURSING BRA. I accidentally bought one at Target. It was leopard print. Why would I even notice what the tag said? It was hot. When I went on line to find it in black that’s when I made the discovery. What boudoir opportunities I had missed. There’s that, too. But really. Straps don’t fall because they’re wider than normal but not too. Loved your description of yours, though. Very funny. As always.

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  37. Chief, I haven’t seen that before, and it is hysterical!
    Also, do give Mad Men a second chance. If it’s just for Joanie. She makes 32DDD’s look like midget boobs
    Paula, what happened to Layne’s playboy bunny? Can’t remember what happened after his father kicked his ass.

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  38. June,
    The field is unmanned. Tickets are available. There’s a vacancy. I’m taking applications. No action. Is what I’m saying.

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  39. Hey Jo up there, you must be Jo of the BookUp, sunglasses and lipstick fame the other day on June’s blog. I LOVE the trailer to your book. The trailer honors your mother in such a beautiful, fun way. I must get your book. I also see you have a thingie that supports independent booksellers as well…very cool. I would like to say that Prairie Lights in Iowa City, Iowa is a super cool independent bookstore and they promote writers and poets by hosting the majority of readings in Iowa City, the designated “City of Literature”, home to the famed Iowa Writer’s Workshop.
    End of shameless area literary pride promotion.

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  40. Oh, THAT Jo! Enjoyed her book very much. Now I’ll have to go back and see how it came to be that June met her.

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  41. Chief, thanks for the laugh. I’m in trouble if SadieDog ever begins texting.

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  42. Didn’t Laura’s kitten that killed the giant mouse have big ears and a long tail? And then, after the great mouse incident, Pa was all, “You can tell a good mouser because they have big ears and a long tail.” Stupid Pa, always chiming in with information after the fact.
    I’ve firmly believed the “big ears, long tail” theory of mousers ever since I read that.

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  43. June, I can say with certainty that I’ve never seen a pumpkin carved like that – it’s rather startling.
    Checked the Artomat site, and sadly the only one in Canada is in Quebec. However, North Carolina has more of them than pretty much anywhere else, but they seem to have originated there. Guess I’ll have to do a road trip!
    And Bookup Jo, your book and the trailer look great, can’t wait to read it.

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