A funny thing happened on my way to quitting this blog. And if you have to hear that original phrase "a funny thing happened on my way to…" one more time will you stab yourself in the head? Because I just provided it for you. Here's your drink sword.
I was going to stop blogging because (1) I've been doing it for five and a half years and (vii) I felt like my life was more private now and plus (c) I felt like this blog wasn't as good without Marvin in it. I mean, let's face it. Me being annoyed with Marvin was funny. Go look at this post. Or this one.
Or this conversation:
"God, I wish I had a Bud Light," I said. Because I am from Michigan. Our first instinct is for a domestic beer. Sue us.
"You want to be a firefly?" asked Marvin, who have I mentioned 20 times is hard of the hearing?
"Not a BUTT LIGHT. A BUD LIGHT. BUD LIGHT ," I told him.
Really looking forward to when we're 80.
I mean, come on. Marvin annoyingness was good stuff.
And I feel like now I have so much I CAN'T say, out of respect for the privacy of the 20 men I'm banging. Okay. I am not banging 20 men. But there was a whole boy I saw for awhile that you never heard one word about, because telling about it would have been scandalous.
My point is, I felt like this blog was losing something. Because I couldn't be as transparent. And 50% of my funny had moved out, gotten itself a girlfriend and sent me divorce papers.
So I decided to quit. And I meant it! As much as I ever mean things. I mean, I always make decisions and then say, "Oh, man. I should have gone the other way." And I was doing that as soon as I told all y'all all about not blogging.
"I'm nervous about you not blogging anymore," said …friend, who does not annoy me the way Marvin did and therefore does not provide hilarious blog fodder. Which I just typed "doffer" and what the hell is "doffer"?
"Your blog is so much a part of who you are." he said. "And besides, it kind of seems like you like having an audience."
Does that–well–does that…seem good? I need an audience? I mean, I totally do, but geez, how did I make that obvious in the four and a half months I've known …friend? You often hear men describing their ideal woman: "Well, she has to be slender, large hoots, blonde hair, and really crave an audience."
Just because my dream job is go-go dancer.
Anyway, if HE was nervous, so was I. The closer I got to this day, the more sort of despondent I got. And then you sent me such nice emails, and comments, and told me not to go and I will tell you what. By yesterday I was standing there beside myself. Which was really annoying, because then Gertrude had to feed two of me at that funeral luncheon.
Really, I didn't know what I was going to do. I was feeling like maybe I really DIDN'T want to quit my blog. Because …friend is right. At this point it's so much a part of who I am. And maybe I still DO have things to say. And maybe it still IS funny. I'll just have to adjust this blog to be sans Marvin like I adjusted my life to be sans Marvin. Which would be a lot easier to do if you TOOK HIS PHOTOS DOWN AT YOUR HOUSE, MOM.
So there I was, waffling, when I got an email yesterday. "Dear June, My name is Whoo-de-Bloo and I am a columnist for the Greensboro News & Record. I wanted to do a story on your blog, but are you really quitting?"
…! And yes, I have now had TWO annoying "…!"s in my post, but it's kind of a dramatic day.
So the next thing you know old Jed's a millionaire, and also I had written her, "No. I'm not quitting."
And the decision was made. And you know what? I woke up this morning 20 times lighter than I have been for a week. I was so gleeful, getting on here to tell you. And yes, I do realize I am annoying, being the Clash, not knowing whether to stay or go. Sue me. Then get me a Bud Light.
I have no idea what Ima do. Am I gonna post all the time? Am I gonna post about every date I go on, screw the privacy of the 20 men I'm banging? I do not know.
(Dear …friend. I swear to god I am not–oh, forget it. You know it's just for my much-needed audience that I say these things.)
I just know that this blog, with all of you as a part of it, might be the love of my life.
And in conclusion, I spent over SEVEN HOURS making this end-of-my-blog video. And I realize now it's kind of a middle-of-my-blog video, but dudes. SEVEN+ HOURS. Could you watch it anyway? Thanks.
And thanks for being a part of my dumb blog.