The dogs seem like they know something is up--my trip to Hawaii is in two days. They seem clingier than usual, which when it comes to Edsel, one might wonder how he could be MORE clingy without climbing inside my soul. The past few mornings I've woken up and they are spooning me on either … Continue reading The Riviera of the South
...friend/Ned left his Swiss Army Knife here, so if today's the day the Swiss Army needs to invade, he is screwed. "We're gonna burst into that country and open ALL THEIR CANS! No cork is safe!" Often on Sundays, we see a pretentious movie, then have brunch, which is really more dunch because it's 3:00 … Continue reading Armed with Cipro, June Soldiers On. She also solders on, as she is the star of Flashdance. Wait. That would be weldering on. Wouldn’t it?
Before I begin complaining about my urinary tract infection, and right there I know you're riveted and not.going.anywhere, I wanted to show you this. My Tracy Allman workout requires me to jump around like an idiot, and kick behind me and in front of me and to the side and really I just want to … Continue reading Because you’ve been saying, “June never tells us about her urinary tract.”
A few days ago, we ("we." I totally stole the idea from a reader) decided to write in our questions for Dick Whitman's mom. In case you are just tuning in, and really? I've been here almost SIX YEARS. I was just about to get in the car and go home. But in case you … Continue reading Ask Dick Whitman’s mom and you shall receive
Dudes. I KNOW I promised you that today I would provide you with the answers to the questions that you asked Dick Whitman's mom, but I have so many things to COMPLAIN about. Also, cutting and pasting all those DW's mom questions is gonna take a coon's age and I have to get some freelance … Continue reading You got perdy lips.
I was quoted in the local paper again today. I am turning into my Uncle Leo. Not that I have become gay and half-Hispanic, although both of those are clearly right around the corner. Oh, and vegetarian. My Uncle Leo is also vegetarian now. Stay tuned for Latina June, your favorite celery-chewing lesbian, coming to … Continue reading June Gardens. Famous in Greensboro since…well. Okay. I’m still not famous. Crap.
In the once-again completely linear and never remotely ludicrous comments, we have decided to either call ...friend Ned Nickerson or Shaft. Dudes, just read the comments. No way am I going through an archaeological dig to tell you the genesis of that whole thing. Anyway guess what. We're going with Ned Nickerson. I haven't even … Continue reading Shaft. Can you dig it?
Yesterday in my hard-hitting and extremely never ridiculous comments, people said they were sick and tired of calling ...friend "...friend." "Everyone's sick of calling you dot dot dot friend," I told (wait for it) ...friend. "Well, when we first started dating, you were gonna call me Ranger Johnson," he pointed out. So do y'all want … Continue reading Strangers on a blog
I am certain I have already told you that ...friend lives downtown, which is kind of exciting because he's right there conveniently located to shops, restaurants, bars and crime. He's not on the first floor, but you can hear people walking past, and the other day we heard this woman on the phone. "I am … Continue reading To be read AFTER you stick the Bic pen in someone’s throat. Not before.
Do you know what must be annoying? Dating me. Can you imagine what it must be like to wait for THE JUNE SHOW! Starring....JUNE! With special guest star...JUNE! to be over so I can throw a little attention your way? Written by...JUNE! Directed by...JUNE! Yesterday my sweet friend Jo threw a (wait for it) birthday … Continue reading The June Show! Starring June!
Thank you all for your insightful questions for Dick Whitman's mom. I mean, thank you to everyone but Hulk and Furry Godmother, who were on the same page, for once, and that page was ludicrous. Yesterday I showed you old photos of Whitman's parents, and here is a family portrait. Yes, that is our DW, … Continue reading Brief. Because June gots work to do and you know how she organizes her time wisely.
Some of you who've been around this stupid blog for some time may remember a feature I had on Fridays called Ask June. You'd, you know, ask me things and I'd answer them. I forget why we stopped doing it; I probably just kind of got over it, much like how the last time I … Continue reading Ask Dick Whitman’s Mom
Do you remember a few months back when I had a coffeemaker quandary? I was using a percolater but the coffee got old fast, and the french press left too many grounds and hello, first-world problems? I asked y'all to recommend a coffeemaker, and I got a Bunn, not only because you mentioned it but … Continue reading The good news is Dick Whitman took most of the photographs in this one
I have to kind of hurry today, as I have freelance work to do (yay!), but there are many photographs to show you, and downloading or uploading or totin' the weary load takes time, and if a picture paints a thousand words then why do I have to add a thousand more? In case you … Continue reading In which you will grow increasingly annoyed that you do not have my Aunt Mary as your personal aunt.
Dudes, I keep TRYING to write this post and the phone keeps ringing with the birthday greetings, and I abhor it when my actual life interferes with my blog. I'm all, "I GOTTA GO! I GOTTA WRITE TO PEOPLE I'VE NEVER MET, MOM! God!" Anyway here it is my birthday. This is from my sixth … Continue reading 47. Oy, I’m old.
Dudes, I have to scream through this post because ...friend and I are on our way to Asheville, which is up in the mountains and, one hopes, cooler than it is here, as it is 10 in the morning and already 950 degrees. Here I am in the hotel bathroom; I wanted you to see … Continue reading TinaDoris Got Married (aka Straight men? Just go look at manlysports.com today or something)
I feel bad, because I was doing something ridiculous in the kitchen* and I heard Edsel whining. There's a rare and unusual event. I knew he was over by the back door, so I said, "Go on outside. You know how." Both my dogs can open the screen door now, by bashing their heads into … Continue reading In which Richard Carpenter is brought up. As you do.
I'm June Gardens, and I'm panicked about money. Hiiiii, June. I've been laid off for six months now, and have had lots of work, but in the past month all I've had is one statistics textbook, which you may recall I stampeded right to and did not put off at all. Anyway, that's done and … Continue reading Money can’t buy you class
Today I changed my name, bought a dress on sale, and fell in love. With a probably 22-year-old gay man of color, who sold me said dress at the Ann Taylor, there. My friend TinaDoris is getting married this Saturday, within stumbling distance of my house, and for that I am delighted. TinaDoris owns Penny, … Continue reading Violetta Spray
I am totally extra super giant depressed. I found out today that I did not get that job, the one I took a test for a few weeks back. I SUCK. This is the third editing test I've taken wherein I did not get the job. Have I turned stupid? Have I lost my abilities? … Continue reading Casual depression at its’ finest