In which Ned attends a girl parts/makeup/puppy seminar

Time is UP for sending me your picture. I have a busy weekend ahead of me, so I know I won't be able to cut and paste all eleven frillion of your photos in the next few days. Also, am super-original using "frillion."

Ned left yesterday to take this ridiculous class, which lasts today, Saturday AND Sunday and runs from 7:30 a.m. till 9:00 p.m. with only ONE BREAK, for lunch. I mean, is it a class on withstanding torture? And who could CONCENTRATE that long? After five hours of listening to someone drone on, you know you're over it.

Last night, we tried to think of what we could remain interested in for 12.5 hours. Ned stampeded to girl parts, but said his attention would wane even about that after that many hours. I said makeup and puppies. I might possibly remain interested in makeup and puppies (or kittens) for that long. Now, you put me in a room of puppies AND kittens, okay yes. Thirteen hours later I'll look up and say, "Have you set the timer yet?"

Anyway, he is staying at a hotel, and it is drivable for someone who doesn't have to be there from seven fucking thirty till nine fucking o'clock, and they DO change the names of those times to include "fucking" for people who have to do ridiculous activities like that. Go look at your clock. The point is, I am driving there tonight and we'll have dinner at 9:30 just like we're sophisticated New Yorkers who aren't fed all day.

I mean, I'm SORRY. Is that even LEGAL, making people sit there and have zero dinner? Jesus Christ.

At any rate, I also have my (wait for it) statistics textbook to proofread this weekend, and on Sunday night my book club is coming to this house of hair, so not only do I have to cook something (I know), I also have to clean.

IMG_3168Oh! And let me tell you the story of what happened at daycare yesterday! I took the curs in just for the afternoon so they could have a little fun. Shake the dew off the lily, or whatever. (Once I fixed my friend Sleeping Beauty up with this guy I knew–premed!–and in the middle of the date he got up and said, "Time to shake the dew off the lily" and stampeded to the bathroom. You can see how Sleeping B snatched him right up and has spent forever with him.)

In the afternoon, I got them, and this kid takes their leashes and comes barrelling out with my insane dogs, jumping and pulling and stealing toys from the lobby displays and so on. I had to pay and sign us out and this other woman was waiting for HER dogs. "My dogs are jerks on the leash," I told the kid, which I THOUGHT would be clear: Wait till we're out of the lobby before bringing more dogs out. But no.

He brings this woman's blue Heeler and her Basset out, and my dogs offer a very welcoming and not-at-all horrifying, "BOWWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! Grrrrrrr WOWOWOWOWOWOW! WOW!"

Even though they'd played ALL DAY with these dogs, now that they were on a leash it was necessary to show their pimp hands. I wrestled them out the door, and they're all pulling and looking back, "WOWOWOWOW! You ded, fukker blu heeler fuk!" "Eeet edz short, bassit!"

We get in the car and that woman brings her dogs to HER car. "WROWROWORWrrrr! not eff wif us! weee yellow gang! you in trubbul nowz!"

And do you know what that woman did? That self-assured, terrible, awful woman? She made her dogs SIT right NEXT to her in the parking lot, unMOVING while we drove past, my yellow car full of yellow dogs in a rage. And she SMILED at me. All smug!

That bitch. She in trubbul now. Next time we see her, Lu's going PIT on her ass.

I guess I'll go get dressed for fake work. Casual Friday! Woooo! I was thinking those snow leopard pajamas. They're pretty casual. What say you?

Oh! And I'm making chili. Does anyone know how to do that? Cause I told book club I did. …Yeah.

232 thoughts on “In which Ned attends a girl parts/makeup/puppy seminar

  1. Okay. No more fart jokes said the bossy lady.
    How do you think June will order our pictures? Short to tall? Boy, girl, boy, girl? Lots of Peter and Hulk, huh? Young to old. See you in 3 weeks if that’s the case when she posts MOTHER and DAD. I might even come after Uncle Leo.
    She orders her bookcase by color. Maybe she’ll sort us by what color we’re wearing.
    Short hair to long? Dog people, cat people?

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  2. Absolutely. It is essential that the batter go in a hot pan. crispy edges. Yum. I don’t have an iron skillet, wish I did, but I don’t, but I do heat the pan.

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  3. You’ve convinced me. One of these days I’ll make Southern cornbread from scratch in my cast iron skillet.
    In the meantime, happy Saturday to the 16%. While June is busy with her statistics book, my boring Saturday has been full of laundry and errands. But the weather is grand! The skies have cleared and it reached the 70s today. Crazy January weather, but we will enjoy it until the normal temperatures return next week.

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  4. BACON GREASE is the BEST seasoning ever! It makes the best cornbread, but I use corn oil trying not to clog my arteries as much. I could eat homemade soup and cornbread until it runs out my ears.

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  5. That is the way I was taught to cook cornbread too. Now I’m wanting some so may have to make cornbread for supper and figure out what else to fix with it. Homemade soup sounds good too as it has been raining for days now and soup would hit the spot. I think a well-seasoned cast iron skillit is worth it’s weight in gold!

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  6. You are right, I do know of what I write when it comes to cornbread. I do put the skillet in the oven, but usually I’m in a rush and just heat that sucker up on the stove top, but that Crisco is hot, hot, hot and it does sizzle when I pour the batter into the skillet. You are SO right, that’s what makes the crust so crisp and delicious. I have my great-grandmother’s iron skillet, if it could only talk.

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  7. … iron skillets and corn bread.
    Tee you know what you are writing about, just one tiny addition to your directions. Put your skillet, with the a lot of Crisco in it, into the oven about 10 minutes before you add the corn bread mixture. When the mixture goes in, it will sizzle and form the most delicious crust in the corn world.
    Notice I didn’t write F…T even once.

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  8. Good morning 16%ers!……..Encyclofartia….will the gas jokes never “end”? Get it?…….end? Oh never mind……

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  9. Furry, I DO heat the skillet on top of the stove while mixing the batter. (I omitted that step because I didn’t want to over stress June with an extra step, in the event she made cornbread.) It’s makes a nice crisp crust and I like my cornbread really brown. The sour cream seems to make the bread light and fluffy and I use the regular sour cream, not the 50% less fat or no fat. No fat = no taste. I love Aunt Garnet’s name.
    This morning I was giggling my head off thinking about all the comments and I REMEMBERED my sweet aunt used to make reference to FLUFF, rather than fart. So, I’ll add fluff to Pam’s kinder, gentler list.

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  10. Thank you for reminding me of that guy who had to shake the dew off his lily. How did you happen to come by this guy, close enough to set us up on a date? I can’t recall! I wonder how his lily fared for the rest of his life – is it still all dewy or is it shriveled and shrunk?

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  11. Actually, I do heat the skillet on the stovetop on medium-high while I mix up everything else. It adds a crunchier crust. If you want a brown crust, use butter instead if crisco, but make sure not to burn your butter.

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  12. June, please have Ned take a picture(un posed) of you and the dogs driving down the street in your yellow car. I can imagine the smiles you bring to people who see you. Except the bitchy lady at DDC.

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  13. 8 Farts in a Duffelbag.
    I spent a lot of time on this fart. Don’t you think you could have at least told me this before I cut it off?

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  14. That must be a Tennessee thing too. I always heat the oil until it sizzles. When you put the batter in the iron skillet the batter starts to sizzle. Aunt Garnet, what a beautiful southern name!

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  15. I’m also guilty of using sugar but it’s listed in the recipe on the cornmeal bag. Plus also I’m Canadian, so wouldn’t know southern cooking from the south pole. I love the buttermilk in your recipe so will definitely try this!
    So many fantastic recipes have been posted here. We need a Slice of Pie cookbook!

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  16. Doesn’t anybody pre-heat the skillet and a tb of oil in the oven while they’re mixing the batter for the cornbread? Or is that a Mississippi thing I got from my Aunt Garnet?

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