In which Ned attends a girl parts/makeup/puppy seminar

Time is UP for sending me your picture. I have a busy weekend ahead of me, so I know I won't be able to cut and paste all eleven frillion of your photos in the next few days. Also, am super-original using "frillion."

Ned left yesterday to take this ridiculous class, which lasts today, Saturday AND Sunday and runs from 7:30 a.m. till 9:00 p.m. with only ONE BREAK, for lunch. I mean, is it a class on withstanding torture? And who could CONCENTRATE that long? After five hours of listening to someone drone on, you know you're over it.

Last night, we tried to think of what we could remain interested in for 12.5 hours. Ned stampeded to girl parts, but said his attention would wane even about that after that many hours. I said makeup and puppies. I might possibly remain interested in makeup and puppies (or kittens) for that long. Now, you put me in a room of puppies AND kittens, okay yes. Thirteen hours later I'll look up and say, "Have you set the timer yet?"

Anyway, he is staying at a hotel, and it is drivable for someone who doesn't have to be there from seven fucking thirty till nine fucking o'clock, and they DO change the names of those times to include "fucking" for people who have to do ridiculous activities like that. Go look at your clock. The point is, I am driving there tonight and we'll have dinner at 9:30 just like we're sophisticated New Yorkers who aren't fed all day.

I mean, I'm SORRY. Is that even LEGAL, making people sit there and have zero dinner? Jesus Christ.

At any rate, I also have my (wait for it) statistics textbook to proofread this weekend, and on Sunday night my book club is coming to this house of hair, so not only do I have to cook something (I know), I also have to clean.

IMG_3168Oh! And let me tell you the story of what happened at daycare yesterday! I took the curs in just for the afternoon so they could have a little fun. Shake the dew off the lily, or whatever. (Once I fixed my friend Sleeping Beauty up with this guy I knew–premed!–and in the middle of the date he got up and said, "Time to shake the dew off the lily" and stampeded to the bathroom. You can see how Sleeping B snatched him right up and has spent forever with him.)

In the afternoon, I got them, and this kid takes their leashes and comes barrelling out with my insane dogs, jumping and pulling and stealing toys from the lobby displays and so on. I had to pay and sign us out and this other woman was waiting for HER dogs. "My dogs are jerks on the leash," I told the kid, which I THOUGHT would be clear: Wait till we're out of the lobby before bringing more dogs out. But no.

He brings this woman's blue Heeler and her Basset out, and my dogs offer a very welcoming and not-at-all horrifying, "BOWWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! Grrrrrrr WOWOWOWOWOWOW! WOW!"

Even though they'd played ALL DAY with these dogs, now that they were on a leash it was necessary to show their pimp hands. I wrestled them out the door, and they're all pulling and looking back, "WOWOWOWOW! You ded, fukker blu heeler fuk!" "Eeet edz short, bassit!"

We get in the car and that woman brings her dogs to HER car. "WROWROWORWrrrr! not eff wif us! weee yellow gang! you in trubbul nowz!"

And do you know what that woman did? That self-assured, terrible, awful woman? She made her dogs SIT right NEXT to her in the parking lot, unMOVING while we drove past, my yellow car full of yellow dogs in a rage. And she SMILED at me. All smug!

That bitch. She in trubbul now. Next time we see her, Lu's going PIT on her ass.

I guess I'll go get dressed for fake work. Casual Friday! Woooo! I was thinking those snow leopard pajamas. They're pretty casual. What say you?

Oh! And I'm making chili. Does anyone know how to do that? Cause I told book club I did. …Yeah.

232 thoughts on “In which Ned attends a girl parts/makeup/puppy seminar

  1. I didn’t read through all the comments because I was pretty busy yesterday, plus I didn’t want to read 038954748858489 chili recipes…

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  2. I’ve been laughing my fool head off all day and I STILL can’t stop. You are the Queen of Farts, Paula!
    I also love how Beverly kept it high brow, with the classics.

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  3. Backfire
    Anal audio
    A turd whistling for the right of way
    Baking brownies
    Personal methane generation
    Blowing you a kiss
    Better open a window
    Bottom burp
    Ass biscuit
    Bean blower

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  4. You know how Tee has learned not to click on certain links here because she’s already seen and heard too much? Well, I’m sitting here laughing my head off and Distinguished Husband isn’t even lifting his head from his book.
    He’s not going to click on my laugh link.

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  5. Richard Pryor had a famous bit where he talked about how ladies don’t fart, they go “poop…excuse me…I made a smelly.”

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  6. AA/P – exactly! Tea is sweet, cornbread is not. My tarheel granny taught me to make my cornbread with 2 cups of cornmeal. 1 tablespoon of baking powder, 1.5 cups of buttermilk, and .25 cups of oil (pronounced “oh-ill”). Mix it up, pour it into a criscoed (yes, it IS to a verb!) cast iron pan and bake at 400 for about 20 minutes. Num!

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  7. OMG, I am re-reading these comments and I am WEEPING. You guys are hilarious. And we are all SO sophisticated in our humor.

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  8. You could also along with your chili buy some packaged salad, (Double Carrots is a good choice) Tostitos (bite size) and sour cream. That’d give people an option to put together a taco salad ala Wendy’s style.

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  9. We southern women make up commandments situationally. The better to judge you with.
    To Beano or not to Beano. That is the question.

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  10. Sugar in cornbread? Oh.my.goodness that makes my heart stop. That would be corncake. Sadie, at Dean’s Barbeque they have sweet tea and Yankee tea.

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  11. Sweet tea is okay but sweet cornbread is a no-no? So many good girl southern rules! Glad I’m a Northerner, we cook and eat anything up here. I think the only commandment in the Midwest is must have green bean casserole at Thanksgiving. Other than that, it’s a food free-for-all any time of the year. Today’s post has made me super hungry all day today, well, except for the fart jokes.

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  12. I knew it! True Southern cornbread is NOT sweet.

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  13. I knew a true Southerner would NEVER use a mix, but would bake from scratch with the cast iron skillet. My excuse? I’m really a transplant and I grew up with Jiffy cornbread.

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  14. Wow. I must be the laziest chili-maker that reads this blog because I do not use a recipe. For a family of 4, I cook up 1 lb. of ground beef and drain it. Then I dump in 2 cans of chili-seasoned tomatoes and 2 cans of chili-seasoned beans. That’s it! Heat it all up til it’s warm enough to eat, about 20 min. Can serve with whatever toppings you desire.
    I think June can make it this way – sooooo easy and quick 🙂

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  15. An iron skillet is a MUST for cornbread. A must.
    Y’all, Lisa Pie’s link, I did read and this is the type stuff I dealt with when I worked. I was in Labor and Employee Relations. My guess, the guy was reprimanded, he filed a grievance, the union settled the grievance with management when they withdrew the reprimand. I wonder if he went to EAP (Employee Assistance Program) as part of the settlement, because he was being referred. Maybe management should have settled by requiring the employee to take Gas-X before eating, kind of like we did an employee who had a problem with alcohol and was required to come to our office to take his antibuse (a medication that makes you think you are going to die if you drink while taking it) each morning, then he had to stick his tongue out to prove that he had, in fact, washed the pill down. I was doing research for some issue when I found an MSPB (Merit Systems Protection Board) decision where some poor person had been FIRED because they couldn’t keep themselves clean as a result of some type of bowel problem. The appellant lost because the judge said it was a health issue. Then there was the time we had an employee that was going through a sex change and wanted to use the women’s restroom while transitioning from male to female. OMG! The women went crazy. Okay, I’ll shut up with the war stories. June, I’ve had all the living I care to have. Heeee.

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  16. Michener’s FART would begin with a 150 page description of the planting, the growing, the harvesting, the cooking and the ingestion of the beans. Then missionaries would be involved in teaching the people the evils of farting. Then the missionaries would fart secretly. Oh, it would go on and on and on.

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  17. Whizzer of Oz
    For Whom the Fart Rolls
    The Smell Also Rises
    The Poot and the Pendulum
    Splendor in the Ass
    Pootin’ Place

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  18. Yes. Maltodextrin also does it for me. Also, an iron skillet. BAH!
    Live a little, Tee. You've got the Internet right there in front of you. Go watch some porn. It's hilarious most of the time. Give us a little report after.

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  19. These comments today are hysterical. Don’t worry, I’ve learned NOT to click on most of the links here. When I read Mrs. Oh’s comment I knew to stay clear. I do appreciate the warnings. You guys are like my co-worker that I absolutely loved because he would warn me if there was porn involved in some of our work. The ONLY porn I’ve ever seen was at my job while working in HR and would be part of the “evidence” we used to discipline employees that were accessing porn on their computers at work.
    As for the chili situation. I use Kroger’s Mild Chili Seasoning and just follow the directions on the package and put it in the Crock Pot. The Kroger seasoning doesn’t have MSG, but has maltodextrin. If you are sensitive to that ingredient follow Jan’s Two Alarm Chili suggestion. The corn chips crushed up sound delicious, I’m going to try that for sure.
    Now cornbread is a totally different subject. This southern woman would never use the mix, sorry Sadie.
    1 cup self-rising meal
    1 egg
    2 T corn oil
    1 cup buttermilk or 1 pt. sour cream
    1/2 cup water
    Mix well. Pour into a well greased (w/Crisco) iron skillet or muffin, bake at 452 degrees until golden brown.
    I bet you don’t have an iron skillet. What was I thinking?

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  20. Wuthering Farts.
    Shadow and Sheba are assholes in public too. shadow is a lab and he weighs 90 pounds and acts like a puppy. Sheba is a border collie mix breed. They are totally embarrassing when they’re out in public. I resent people who have well behaved dogs.

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  21. June: how much do doggie sitters charge to either overnight puppy sit in your home or puppy sit in their home out where you live? I may have to hit the tip jar. Cannot imagine poor Edsel overnighting at the daycare place.

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  22. The Yellows are back at daycare today. They're having a sleepover while I slut off to Nedtown tonight.
    In case anyone was worried sick, his class is as awful as he thought it'd be. "But it'll just be worse later!" he said optimistically.

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  23. So, a compendium of today’s comments would be called The Gospel of John?
    PJ, good idea on the individual boxes of kitchen matches. Have some on hand in the john, too.

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  24. Letha, Winds of War! I LOVE that book. That guy has it all over Follett’s triology, which as of this writing is still only a du-ology.

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  25. Really, Paula, Let’s go in there and push my favorite Paula Poundstone right off her NPR Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me chair and install you.
    That was hysterical. You light up my life.
    Which reminds me, at the end of book club will you pass out kitchen matches and when everybody goes out in the dark to their cars their can light their way.

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  26. Chili! Love it! Mine has ground turkey since husband doesn’t eat beef. Black, kidney and white beans (HI TEXAS), red, yellow and green peppers, onion and garlic, canned tomatoes, tomato paste, cumin, chili powder, and a little liquid smoke. It all goes in the crock pot after sautĂ©ing. Top with sharp cheddar cheese (no cheese for YOU JOOON), and serve with cornbread or ritz crackers. Also, too, I like mine over brown rice.
    Oh and I do drain the beans, but I don’t rinse them.

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  27. I just got back from the grocery and did some recon for you June. I would like to say I made a special trip just for you, but I was going anyway. McCormick’s taco seasoning does NOT have MSG. Ranch dressing packets do – even the store brand. I could not find the chili kits.
    Note: none of the McCormick’s packets has MSG and most don’t have gluten either in case anyone but me cares. I’m talking chili, taco seasoning, sloppy joes, etc.

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  28. I know the party line here in TX is that real chili doesn’t have beans, but I am a bean-loving Texan and I put a TON of beans in my Texas Chili, so there.
    That 2 alarm packet thing is the way to go, June. You won’t need to have extra spices sitting around getting old. Just use the amount of each one that you want, put in the meat and/or beans that you want and there you go! I even throw in frozen corn, tiny diced up zucchini and other veggies sometimes.
    And I agree with the Fritos and cheese on top. You will do a bang up job on this chili, I am sure of it.

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  29. I can’t begin to say how much I love this blog and today’s comments. Fart jokes, Poochie’s song, who could ask for anything more?
    I’m with Kay – cumin and chili powder (plus the sauteed onion, is onlion a seasoning?) are all the seasoning you’ll need.

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