Last night, after I came home and WENT TO SLEEP for two hours, because news flash, three hours at night is not enough, I got up and looked at your songs you listed for me yesterday, then listened to most of them on iTunes. I even bought some!

Was not at all annoyed with Faithful Reader Just Paula, who made up stupid lists of songs no one on Planet Earth would listen to, such as Afternoon Delight. I wasn't looking at who wrote what, I'd just get to the next list and be all, Who listed I'm a Little Bit Country/I'm a Little Bit Rock and Roll and it'd always be that pesky Paula.

Anyway, after that I freelanced out my ass, as my old neighbor Alicia would say. Everything with Alicia was out her ass. "Mija, I clean houses OUT MY ASS today, then I get home, and my daughter make a mess in THIS house. So I clean out my ass again."

"Mija, you hear that loud neighbor last night? I yell at heem OUT MY ASS at 4 o'clock this morning. I was PISS out my ASS, Mija."

I miss Alicia.

Stupidly, I agreed to do freelance work for this OTHER company last month, and I knew the work was coming at some point THIS month, and I just knew when I said okay to that it would happen and I'd panic when it did. Sure enough, that freelance work is coming this weekend, and guess what else is due? Is it the statistics book I've been working on? So now I have to miss that deadline, and why must everything be chaotic all the time?

So that is my life in a nutshell right now. I have a friend who abhors it when people say "in a nutshell," but he's just going to have to move past it if he reads today.

Oh! Speaking of my friends, my ridiculous friend Enormous Member Steve sent me this this week:

IMG_3163
It's a book on cats wearing wigs. As you do. How happy does that cat look, there? One day our pets will take over and you and I will be going around in stupid sparkly Juicy sweaters and rhinestone collars, and then we'll be sorry.

Okay, I am out of here. It was one year ago today that Ned asked me out. Hang on, I'll show you. We'd been emailing back and forth for two weeks at this point:

JuneGardens@gmail.com: I am proofreading a study where they put three young French men on the street, and the men would randomly approach French women: "Will you have a drink with me?" In 3% of cases the women said yes. Then they put the same in-my-mind-Marcel-Marceau-looking men out there and they lead with: "Do you have a light?" because everyone smokes in France. After the light was proffered, he'd say, "Have a drink with me!" and something like 36% of the women said yes. So if you are ever hitting on a woman, research shows you need to ask her a favor first. Somehow it endears you to her.

Alternatively, French women are just a bunch of tramps.

NedNickerson@hotmail.com: So, do you have a light?

JuneGardens@gmail.com: Oui!

NedNickerson@hotmail.com: Would you like to have a drink with me sometime this week?

JuneGardens@gmail.com: Wow, suddenly I'm so amenable to that plan! Yes. I would. That would be lovely.

Oh, how I squealed after that exchange. Then spent three days trying to lose 20 pounds.

Okay, out of here. Thanks again for your song suggestions. I really want to like that Florence and her machines, but I just can't.

85 thoughts on “Got a light?

  1. June Gardens says:

    Gettin' a visual, Naughty.

    Like

  2. Naughty Professor says:

    Egads, I’m so behind on everything. I gots work comin’ outta my ass! And it’s really interfering with everything, like my recommended daily dose of “Pie.”
    Anyway, who’s to say I don’t already parade around in sparkly Juicy sweaters and rhinestone collars?

    Like

  3. Just Paula says:

    OMG, the HAG was up in my grill and OUT MY ASS all day today, Mija.
    GodDAMNit.

    Like

  4. sandra says:

    That question mark should have been an exclamation point. After the gross.

    Like

  5. sandra says:

    This has nothing to do with anything that has been talked about, but I have been reading your old posts from 2009 and you told the story about Nicholas Cage, how you drove up next to him at a movie premier and screeeched and bounced up and down in your car. Anyways, you said he was one of your five you could have a free pass with.
    REALLY?? I think he is so gross? Maybe he was nicer back then, you said he was with Lisa Marie at that time. Do you still like him?
    I have no clue why that matters to me, but it does.

    Like

  6. June Gardens says:

    YES I DID! A big gust of wind was gonna SWOOP me up, but I soldiered on.

    Like

  7. Sadie smiles remembering that cute story says:

    (Pal and I have been friends since we were in rubber pants. I have every right to be terrible to her.)
    When I read this comment, my first thought was:
    And June risked being blown away by tornadic winds as she fought her way to Pal’s house.

    Like

  8. June Gardens says:

    That's better, PJ. Much prefer.

    Like

  9. PJ wonders if the pred is making you cranky yet. No? 3...2...1... says:

    June June June Thinking about June Writing about June Worrying about June Caring about June Celebrating with June Writing songs about June.
    Pal who? Pfffffft

    Like

  10. PJ wonders if the pred is making you cranky yet. No? 3...2...1... says:

    June June June Thinking about June Writing about June Worrying about June Caring about June Celebrating with June Writing songs about June.
    Pal who? Pfffffft

    Like

  11. PJ wonders if the pred is making you cranky yet. No? 3...2...1... says:

    June June June Thinking about June Writing about June Worrying about June Caring about June Celebrating with June Writing songs about June.
    Pal who? Pfffffft

    Like

  12. Letha says:

    Sarah Jessica Parker?

    Like

  13. June Gardens says:

    Well, crap. He was my second choice to play me.

    Like

  14. Anita says:

    And so is Mr. Drummond!

    Like

  15. Anita says:

    Really Deb, you should keep your personal activities to yourself. I hope you closed the shades.

    Like

  16. Heather P says:

    Darlin’ she’s dead!

    Like

  17. June Gardens says:

    OH IT'S TOO LATE NOW. NOW THEY ALL CARE ABOUT YOU AND NOT MEEEE.
    Hmpf.

    Like

  18. I’m sorry, June. Didn’t mean to hijack your attention.
    Carry on, Faithful Readers. Give our June her props.

    Like

  19. Brilliant advice, Juice. Thank you!

    Like

  20. Deb says:

    Since I am playing with myself, I took your photo JUNE and put it into that website and it matched, at 76% with:
    Kim Cattrall. Wonder if the website is familiar with Samantha and June’s past sexual histories? Hi mom.
    60% Scarlett Johansson and 56% Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.

    Like

  21. Hi Beverly – no I do not hate you all right now. I appreciate the words of encouragement… It just seems utterly impossible to do all that is ahead. I cannot WAIT for it all to feel better. It’s been a long haul already. Yeesh.

    Like

  22. Thanks, PJ. It all seems like a nightmare right about now. Worst part is that I won’t know for sure that I’m moving until March 1st when my buyer’s house closes. So, that leaves me a whole month to find a place and move everything. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
    Thanks for the kind words. I do appreciate it.

    Like

  23. Tee says:

    I must have misread the post. I was thinking it was the anniversary of your first DATE. When is THAT anniversary?
    You being on the steroids should allow you to speed read all those projects. It’s great you have work.

    Like

  24. Amish Annie says:

    You said abreast.

    Like

  25. June Gardens says:

    Well, I mean, yeah. It's been one year since he sent that email. I wasn't thinking of making reservations anywhere because of that. Also, does NO ONE pay attention to me, and the part where I have SEVENTY-EIGHT freelance projects? When am I going to finish those, exactly, if I'm GALLIVANTING around town CELEBRATING emails?
    Oh, but PAL's troubles, you all stay abreast of THOSE.

    Like

  26. Amish Annie says:

    Oh. Not an anniversary? Well, I’m not so sure now that Ned’s gonna get some tonight, I retract my first comment today. Hi Mother.
    Also it does appear that we are a somewhat celebratory group here. Hoopin’ and hollerin’ and using any excuse to celebrate you and Ned’s flame of love.

    Like

  27. Sadie says:

    Celebrate by sending Ned an email.

    Like

  28. June Gardens says:

    Why do people think we're…celebrating the one-year email exchange? I haven't even mentioned it to him, actually.

    Like

  29. Tee says:

    Phyllis Diller! BAHHHHH!
    Happy 1st Year Anniversary. That e-mail exchange is so romantic. Ned is certainly a keeper. Where are you going this evening to celebrate?
    No comment yesterday because I don’t have an iPod, iPad or any fancy dancy phone, I don’t even text. I’m sure all my music would have been those songs PJ has referenced today. I know all of them well. That would be the golden oldies like, “Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?”
    Pal, now is the time to call in some favors from friends.

    Like

  30. June Gardens says:

    NOW MY MOM IS IGNORING ME. GOD, PAL.

    Like

  31. Peter, who is thankful he couldn't find his iPod yesterday as June would surely have sneered at some of his favorites, says:

    Happy Anniversary wishes, June! I gotta say your Ned is a pretty smooth operator. I could’ve learned a lot from him back in the day.
    Pal, hang in there. To borrow a line from the Mammas & Pappas, “the night is darkest just before the dawn.” Don’t worry. You’ll find you’re Ned. You’re too attractive not to.

    Like

  32. Deb who looks like Raquel Welch? Really?? says:

    If you put in your photo in this site they tell you what celebrity you look like:
    http://celebrity.myheritage.com/celebrities

    Like

  33. Mother says:

    Pal, I’m sorry you’re having problems right now. We’ll be sending you warm thoughts from your home town and praying for the best possible outcome for you. You deserve it.

    Like

  34. Heather P says:

    Kristin Wiig NOT cute enough to play our June!
    I would say Meg Ryan, but she’s had too much surgery. What say you June-who would you cast to play you in a movie?

    Like

  35. Hulk It's a nice truck, sandra, but it's not a miracle worker... says:

    I’m gonna need a mil up front and 1% of the gate…

    Like

  36. Amish Annie says:

    Rubber pants. Good one.
    I think Jeannie is right, you are just so cute today. That email exchange, especially with the enthusiastic “oui” is adorable.
    In all seriousness, I think your life within the last two years could easily translate into a screenplay made into an interesting and funny romantic comedy movie. But any movie script must include the firemen story with the beeping bag in your attic. I can see the story starting out when you and what’s his name started having problems and you started looking at apartments and then ending with a MTM moment round about of today or tomorrow or the near future. DW would need to figure prominently cause he’s funny and interesting and somehow you and Hulk’s raunchy hilarious texts would need to work itself into the script.
    Yeah, I do kind of have an active imagination today but I seriously think your story would reasonate with many people on the big screen. Kristen Wiig should play you.
    Okay, pushing the imagination aside for now to return to way more exciting things like end of year books. Blech.

    Like

  37. Anita says:

    Rubber pants. No wonder our moms were flinging the baby powder everywhere.

    Like

  38. June Gardens says:

    You know, Pal, your angst seems to be sucking up all the attention today. Is this fair to me? What about MY needs? GOD, Pal.
    (Pal and I have been friends since we were in rubber pants. I have every right to be terrible to her.)

    Like

  39. Happy Anniversary to June and Ned!
    Oh Pal, I don’t envy you. I have moved too many times in my life already. I hate the packing, the planning, all of it. My last move the mover people came with color coordinated tape for the boxes. Everything that was from the kitchen got yellow, master bedroom was blue, or whatever. Then it was easy peasy when unloading to know what boxes went where. I wish you the best of luck with the move and the purge.

    Like

  40. Heather P says:

    Happy Emailaversary!
    Hang in there Pal!

    Like

  41. Deb says:

    When you meet Ned tonight for French fries and French kissing I picture you dressed in a black turtleneck and scarf, wearing a beret and leaning against a light post with a pack of Gauloises. Apparently I think of you as a French hooker circa 1964.

    Like

  42. Katie D. says:

    Happy Anniversary!! If it’s not too late, here is one of my current favorites: She’s So Mean by Matchbox Twenty. (Not you, obviously — just a fun song for running with a great beat!)

    Like

  43. Jeannie says:

    I don’t normally comment but you are just so cute today!
    Happy Anniversary!

    Like

  44. Pal, I just did the pack and move thing (although I decided to spend a fortune and PAY OTHER PEOPLE to do it for me – best decision ever). But, if I had packed myself the best advice I got was to number each box as you pack it. Then when you go to unpack start with the higher number boxes and work backwards. Because the stuff you packed in Box 1 is clearly stuff you never use, but the stuff you packed in Box 75 is important stuff like chocolate and silverware.
    Also, Ned was quite romantical with the asking-out. I think you all need to travel to Paris and thank those Frenchmen.

    Like

  45. Sadie says:

    And also, too, the book’s title should be “Glamourpuss or How to Piss Off Your Cat.” A book for cat owners whose arms aren’t scratched up enough.

    Like

  46. Sadie - Oui! killed me says:

    Correction. Happy Asked-Out-On-A-Date Anniversary.

    Like

  47. Sadie says:

    Happy Dating Anniversary, June and Ned. Or Juned. Or JuNed. You give great email. Your and Ned’s exchange makes the You’ve Got Mail movie look mighty lame. So happy you both found each other.
    Oh, Pal. So sorry for the s*ucky time you’ve been having. Sending positive vibes your way as you go through packing and moving. Wishing you all the best in 2013 with a brand new start.

    Like

  48. Pamela Soul Sister #2 The dog days are definitely not over says:

    There is one F & The M song that I enjoy, even though her voice grates. It’s called “You’ve Got The Love.” Great message. They played it at the Oprah event I went to in Atlanta and it always brings back good memories of that trip.
    That email exchange was wonderful.
    Happy Day-You-Got-Asked-Out-By-Ned-Day!

    Like

  49. Pamela Soul Sister #2 The dog days are definitely not over says:

    There is one F & The M song that I enjoy, even though her voice grates. It’s called “You’ve Got The Love.” Great message. They played it at the Oprah event I went to in Atlanta and it always brings back good memories of that trip.
    That email exchange was wonderful.
    Happy Day-You-Got-Asked-Out-By-Ned-Day!

    Like

  50. Pamela Soul Sister #2 The dog days are definitely not over says:

    There is one F & The M song that I enjoy, even though her voice grates. It’s called “You’ve Got The Love.” Great message. They played it at the Oprah event I went to in Atlanta and it always brings back good memories of that trip.
    That email exchange was wonderful.
    Happy Day-You-Got-Asked-Out-By-Ned-Day!

    Like

  51. Melanie in Northside says:

    I dreamed about Hulk last night because he had Bob and Doug on his iPod. I think that was the last thing I read before I went to sleep.
    I can’t like Florence and the Machine either and think it’s the same as Siouxsie and the Banshees back in the day. Everyone loved her and I just didn’t get it.

    Like

  52. Mary Ellen from Napa says:

    Yes! Love the Machine but HATE Florence! I couldn’t participate yesterday because I don’t own an IPod and no one offers downloads of songs from the Civil War.
    Oh Pal, so sorry! I won’t tell you that it gets better, cuz you don’t want to hear that now. I just hope that he doesn’t happen to be crossing the street in front of your car any time soon.
    Happy anniversary, June and Ned!

    Like

  53. Amish Annie says:

    I KNOW, right Letha. Hot male.

    Like

  54. Amish Annie says:

    Oh.
    June Gardens, bursting bubbles since 2013.

    Like

  55. Letha says:

    Hot male.

    Like

  56. June Gardens says:

    Wow. My real email is gmail and Ned's is hotmail. Nice…imagination, there, tho.

    Like

  57. Amish Annie says:

    I like how June’s email for this post is @ gmail, perhaps in referenc to g-spot and Ned’s email is @ hotmail. HA! I’m a slow one here.

    Like

  58. sandra says:

    No, it is not. Now if I had said BIG truck, that would be a different story.

    Like

  59. Bobbi says:

    Love the JUNED………congrats to both of you twitterpated lovebirds.
    On another note, I work second shift and my ringing phone woke me at nine with, “this is Rachel …credit card, blah blah blah robofu*king call”. I hate hate hate, did I say hate ? robocalls. Anyone ?

    Like

  60. Beverly says:

    Pal, add me to the list of those who have had to start all over. I did it about 8 years ago and oh how it SUCKED going through it. But then it gets so much better and you get happier than you’ve been in years and realize it’s okay that you had to go through the sucky part. (And I hated when people told me that it would all be okay so you probably hate us all right now, but it really does get much better.)

    Like

  61. dancer says:

    happy ‘versary, Juned. see what i did there? i went all hollywood and made you a benlo or whatever. Neju? no. Juned.
    pal – it all sucks. but doable. call in ALL your favors from everyone to help. i actually had a friend who packed all my ‘memories’ into boxes so that i didn’t have to see them. then i mailed them off to a relative…only because it was 25 years and i have kids. can’t trash their memories. but hell to the no they don’t sit in my space.
    oh, btw, June, don’t you love that you think of brilliant ideas like “hey everyone send me their photos” and then you get a butt load of work?
    peace out!

    Like

  62. Davida says:

    Happy Dating Anniversary!
    So glad you don’t like Florence and her machines. I can’t stand her. That voice of hers is SO annoying.
    Sorry I missed the i-Pod playlist, but if I listed mine you would be like, “huh?”

    Like

  63. Amish Annie says:

    Sandra, is truck a euphemism?

    Like

  64. sandra says:

    Hulk, you have a cool truck. Chicks dig trucks!

    Like

  65. EM Steve says:

    Too funny. I ordered that book last month and totally forgot about it. Just seemed like a June book. Enjoy

    Like

  66. PJ because she bets you feel like this says:

    Would you like it to have “Ooh eeh ooh ah aah ting tang walla walla bing bang, ooh eeh ooh ah aah ting ang walla walla bing bang” as the bridge?

    Like

  67. Hulk Plus I look like Shreck says:

    I don’t smoke, so it looks like I am shit outta luck…

    Like

  68. PJ rockin' out to Teen Angel says:

    I’m just sure you have that Tallahatchie Bridge song, too.

    Like

  69. PJ says:

    June, you flirt, you. That was very good. And Ned folded into that just right. No wonder you’re together. I’ll bet he loved you before he ever actually met you.

    Like

  70. Amish Annie/Little Tart says:

    Bet Ned gets some tonight.

    Like

  71. sandra says:

    That is the cutest email exchange ever! Thank you for sharing it with us.
    Pal, it will suck to do all that, but a fresh start is a good thing! I moved over the Christmas break 2011 into a teeny tiny apartment, it sucked, I hated it, but it was the best thing for me. I got to start all over. I hope 2013 will be a great year for you with lots of great new things happening for you!

    Like

  72. PJ ran out of paper and was crying and wrapping her dishes in torn out Yellow Pages. Back when they were paper... says:

    No, dear Pal, it sounds like a nightmare. I have packed up a house by myself before. It’s sad and it’s hard and it takes longer than you think so start NOW. NOW, I tell you.
    But it gets better. You will end up free of a lot of crap. But right now, not fun. Keep us posted. And don’t forget June’s on pred. Reroofing that house would sound doable to her right now.
    More than one of us are proof it can be done. And in the end you’ll triumph.

    Like

  73. PJ ran out of paper and was crying and wrapping her dishes in torn out Yellow Pages. Back when they were paper... says:

    No, dear Pal, it sounds like a nightmare. I have packed up a house by myself before. It’s sad and it’s hard and it takes longer than you think so start NOW. NOW, I tell you.
    But it gets better. You will end up free of a lot of crap. But right now, not fun. Keep us posted. And don’t forget June’s on pred. Reroofing that house would sound doable to her right now.
    More than one of us are proof it can be done. And in the end you’ll triumph.

    Like

  74. PJ ran out of paper and was crying and wrapping her dishes in torn out Yellow Pages. Back when they were paper... says:

    No, dear Pal, it sounds like a nightmare. I have packed up a house by myself before. It’s sad and it’s hard and it takes longer than you think so start NOW. NOW, I tell you.
    But it gets better. You will end up free of a lot of crap. But right now, not fun. Keep us posted. And don’t forget June’s on pred. Reroofing that house would sound doable to her right now.
    More than one of us are proof it can be done. And in the end you’ll triumph.

    Like

  75. Helen says:

    I liked Just Paula’s song lists. People do listen to that stuff June, just like people do listen to Florence and her Machines. I’d much rather listen to Paual’s choices than any Machine of Florence’s.
    Do you still squeal and having stomach turning when Ned asks you out?

    Like

  76. Letha says:

    That is very romantic. Happy Dativersary.
    Come on, baby, light my fyah.

    Like

  77. Megsie says:

    OOOOooooo. And Happy Dating Anniversary! I LOVE that story up there…so romantic, even over an email exchange!

    Like

  78. Megsie says:

    Ned is a keeper. I would download that! We will be cheering you on from the sidelines Pal. That sucks, but a whole fresh start is right around the corner!
    *Lovely Post June*

    Like

  79. Mary Lou says:

    Happy T’as du Feu Day, June! Ned was one suave faux Frenchman a year ago. So glad you took a chance on him.

    Like

  80. June Gardens says:

    Oh, Pal, you can do it. I have faith in your wisdom, because you are six weeks older.

    Like

  81. June Gardens says:

    We need to write a song: Ned is a keeper. Then we can all put it on our iPods like geeks.

    Like

  82. Happy Dating Anniversary!
    I am happy for you, Jooooon. Happy out my ASS for you!
    Now, I just need to find a place to live (I got an official offer on the house on Monday, and I tearily accepted it…), pack up my beloved house where I’ve lived for 13 years, decide what to store and what to sell, move, get re-settled, WORK full-time throughout this entire process and then find me a nice Ned.
    That seems simple, right? Heeeelllllp! Ugh.

    Like

  83. Just Paula says:

    Billy Don’t Be A Hero. Oh, that was yesterday. Sorry.
    Ned is a keeper.

    Like

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