In which June discusses open floor plans and the tuna taco. Tune in, won’t you? Tuna in, won’t you? BAH!

Currently I have the personality of a MOP because GUESS WHAT, another MIGRAINE and I basically hate self and wish to die. I finished that Prednisone I was taking, which, hooray, I can sleep again and speak at a regular slow-ish pace and not raise the roof, literally, and so forth, but now, yay. Migraines are back. Holy CATS, it makes me mad.

So, yeah. Thank heavens you went to all the trouble to be one of the 16% checking in on a Saturday, cause WOW, what a personality on June. Look at the big personality on June.

It is a shame I can't say "personality" one more time. You know what else I have a lot of today? Wessonality.

Some idiot sat there and thought of that ad campaign. Then pitched it to his coworkers. "Say! Why don't we say the chicken's got Wessonality?" And his coworkers were all, "Yeah! That's the ticket!"

How late at night do you think that was?

So, in other news, we had us an ice kind of a thing here in North Carolina. I got up yesterday morning, as I am wont to do, and as I headed to fake work I noted MOTHER OF GOD IT'S COLD, which really, it usually isn't here. Oh, it'll be in the 30s sometimes, but that's spring where I grew up. Yesterday? 24. TWENTY-FOUR.

Then after maybe an hour at work, people got all excited cause it was…something-ing out there. Kind of snowing, kind of raining. Kind of FREEZING, is what it was doing. When I went home for lunch, I had to pull over twice to scrape my windshield, because it kept icing over while I drove. That wasn't jarring or anything.

The good news is they let us out at 2:30, because The South. Where we panic over every weather incident. So I went home with the zinc drops and Emergen-C my boss gave me, which by the way SEEM TO HAVE WORKED LIKE DEMONS, and I watched house-buying shows on HGTV and napped on and off all afternoon.*

People have the worst taste in houses. I have no desire to look at everyone watching TV in some great room while I slave away in a kitchen with granite countertops. "Oh, I like how it's open to the other rooms," people always say. Why is this a good thing? We used to have this concept. It was called "rooms." Why don't we all just live in a big dome, we're so dying to see what everyone else is up to in the rest of the house.

Am I alone in this? I also have no desire to have an entryway that is 90 feet tall. Hi, come on in. I live in a lobby.

You know what I would like to have one day? Other than an actual job? Is a Cape Cod type of house. Back when I was young, so, so long ago, I just wanted my own apartment, with no roommates. Something small, but with character. Then I got that, and I met Marvin and all we wanted was a house. Nothing fancy, maybe just something from the '50s, with, you know, character.

Character is a big thing with me and my dwellings.

It took us TEN YEARS of marriage, but we finally got it, after realizing you cannot HAVE a small cute house in LA without being a small cute millionaire.

Now five years I been living here and I'm all, Wouldn't a Cape Cod be nice. Is it always going to be like this? Will I ever be satisfied? When I get my Cape Cod am I gonna wish for a house built in 1997 with an open floor plan?

With character?

What HAPPENED to character in houses? I think it went the way of "big." All of a sudden everyone needs big. And why? So you can all be in different rooms checking your smartphones?

Am cynical today. Migraine makes me cynical.

Anyway. Despite the icy conditions and general cold icy coldness, I still got together with Ned last night, because rather crushy on Ned. Everything was closed down because The South. Where we panic over every weather incident. Have I mentioned? We did, however, mince our way through the ice to our favorite pretentious taco place, where IT IS ALL DELICIOUS, and right when we walked in, the owner said, "Oh. Guys. I'm sorry. We just decided to shut down for the night due to weather."

Either we looked completely devastated or she recognized us from the 92 times we've been in, but she said, "You know what? Come in. You'll be the last two we serve."

Ned felt terribly guilty through the whole meal. I gleefully ordered the tuna tacos I've been wanting to order since DAY ONE of going there, which I've been afraid to order because everyone in there appears to be perhaps lesbianical and I always thought I was gonna giggle when I said, "I want a tuna taco." Because am in 7th grade. However, I ordered, "The taco, with tuna, please," a thing Ned repeated 47 times because he enjoys my maturity.

And OH MY GOD, it was delicious. Totally went to the Ned School of Eating during that meal. OH! Enjoyed my tuna taco. It had Wessonality.

Then this morning, Ned left for his work trip and I hate everything. He gets back Wednesday, and is coming RIGHT HERE from the airport, and I am making salmon and yes, I did just tell you that I'm cooking something. That is how excited I will be to see Ned. Am cooking something. I know.

In a few minutes, I'm leaving to get up with my friend and coworker TinaDoris. A few months back, she and her husband bought a really really cool old house with, you know, character, and also a ghost. She has had ALL KINDS OF CREEPY SHIT happen since they moved in, including an inexplicable really violent injurious fall, a weird red liquid on her hands for no reason, and now a candle attacked her. Don't ask.

So we're headed to the nutty crystal hippie store to get sage, and we're gonna de-demonize her place this afternoon. We Googled how to de-demonize your place, which is probably what ancient woman did when her cave was haunted. Will keep you posted on if it works or if the damn thing just gets in the car with me and starts haunting THIS place.

You know what a ghost will give this place? Wessonality.

*I forgot to tell you that when I got home yesterday afternoon, Edsel did his usual thing where he BOUNDS excitedly to the back door, which I opened so he could BOUND excitedly across the yard as though bounding across that yard were exciting and new and not something he does 18 times a day, but yesterday he BURST out the door and skid skid skidded across the icy deck, and could not get his footing, and splayed his feets this way and that and skid skid skidded on to the grass, which was similarly icy, so guess what, skid, and basically Tallulah and I died laughing. The end.

54 thoughts on “In which June discusses open floor plans and the tuna taco. Tune in, won’t you? Tuna in, won’t you? BAH!

  1. Oh, PLEASE do a TinaDoris ghost story post. We are ally dying to hear. Also, I do not like the open floor plan thing. I like OLD houses with character and rooms, but yes, I live in a new house with an open floor plan so amuse me with some story tellin of the ghost kind!

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  2. I live in a 1950’s California Ranch. 2 years ago, we did a major kitchen/dining/living room renovation and removed all the walls dividing those 3 rooms. We went from 3 tiny, dark rooms to one big open space and I love it.
    But when it came time to decide on new countertops, I was adamant about NOT getting granite. Seeing as TheManTheMyth is a concrete contractor, we went with, wait for it, concrete countertops. I get oodles of compliments on my new kitchen. One day, I’ll have to post Before and After pictures on my blog.

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  3. Oh, I am so sorry about the head ache coming back. That is such a bummer. I agree with DW’s mom…back to the doctor you should go. I totally want to hear the story of the de-ghosting. Did you bring the video camera? Did you get rid of it? Did it eat YOU? Where have you been all night…oh no. JUNE? ARE YOU MISSING?

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  4. I love open plan living areas. All the housing I’ve been able to afford so far is industrial revolution driven cramped terrace housing. The kitchens have been galley style things where I could stretch my arms out and touch opposing walls. I would have loved to be able to knock some walls down and feel less boxed in. On the other hand, having a door is the only thing that makes me confident that none of my food has had furry faces munching on it first.

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  5. Suggestion for ridding yourself of a migraine: celery juice. Use a juicer, or, if you don’t have a juicer, a blender. If using a blender, add a couple teaspoons of water to 2 or 3 celery stalks. Drink 1 to 2 ounces – any more may give you the runs. It works by helping to lower your blood pressure, which raises when you’re having a migraine. At least if it doesn’t help, it’s not going to do you any harm. Good luck!

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  6. Ok, several things:
    1) Where are the pics of you & Ned mincing through the ice? I want to see that–really, really I do.
    2) Thank you, thank you for calling these crack-addled people on HGTV. My thing is the granite countertops, as if how did anyone ever in history of humanity cook or eat without granite countertops? They act like anything else is so beneath them. Geez, just move to a granite mine or wherever, maybe the knob on Pilot Mountain for crying out loud!
    and 3) I could totally have sage-d out that ghost for your friend, along with bells, holy water or whatever. Just call me ghostbuster. Wanna hear more about it!

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  7. I live in a Cape Cod! Yay me! But the worst part? I still gotta clean it. Because my dream? Self cleaning house!

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  8. Our house was moved from its lot in a “modern” 60s neighborhood to its current location on 3.5 acres of land in the country. It has character. It has a stone fireplace that would look natural if Hugh Hefner was sitting on the hearth. I LOVE it. My kithen is not open to the rest of house but I never find myself alone when we are entertaining. People come in to gossip, chop vegetables, escape from the rest of the house or just be with ME! It is wonderful. I never feel like I need an open floor plan.
    I was taking canvas bags to the grocery store before it was cool so when I met Mr. BSltar and he told me he had recycled a house, I was smitten.
    I absolutely love June’s house with the cottage and the retro vibe.

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  9. I love Jeff Lewis and all his OCDness. If I had money, he would be the one to redesign my whole house.
    You all should check out Houzz.com if you want to see some amazing things people do to their homes.
    Hope you are feeling better June.

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  10. I would love Beverly’s house too!
    I’m with you June, I want something with rooms. We’ve got an open plan now, it’s LOUD and not very cozy, I’d like my next home to be a classic farm house with a central hall. Guess I’ll keep dreaming. :

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  11. Oh June, please be careful with the cleansing thing. She had a violent injury! I immediately thought of the Paranormal Activity movies. I know that they are fictional but JEEZ! I am so scared for you guys. Maybe wear a garlic necklace or something.

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  12. Thank you so much for many laughs. I also like to brush up my English while reading your reflections on life. May I say…I have never seen so many commas. Note to self–study up on that grammar.

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  13. One more thing, why in the world would any normal, middle class, couple want a “master en-suite” that is larger than a good sized bedroom?? I really never considered inviting people into my bathroom for tete-a-tetes or dancing. To be completely honest I don’t want anyone in the bathroom with me.

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  14. Oh my goodness. I thought it was my age that has me giggling at the “must haves” these people want.
    Today I saw a couple with 3 children (2 toddlers + baby) – could not POSSIBLY manage with less than 4 bedrooms and 2 baths. The realtor took them to a house with 4 bedrooms and 5 (FIVE) bathrooms. Parents were over the roof with glee! I’m thinkin’ Mom better teach those todlers how to scrub bathrooms – Then I remembered “Mommie Dearest”.
    June, it is time to go back to your doctor and let him know migranes came back as soon as you came off the ‘roids’.

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  15. I wish I could have seen Eds skidding across the ice. I hate open floor plans too. I don’t want anyone in my face whilst I’m cooking. Sorry about your migraine. We also had an ice storm here in TN and it was scary. Plus it was 16 degrees.

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  16. VERY interested in the ghost house! Would love to hear more about her experiences. Although I hope the spirits are not trying to do harm.
    Agree with you so, so much on open concept houses, which to me are decidedly un-cozy and also why would you want to pay to heat those uber-high-ceilinged places? And if I hear stainless steel and granite one more time, I will scream, especially when it’s someone saying that they just MUST tear out a lovely kitchen that is 20 times prettier than mine, just so that they can have the stainless and granite.
    I also get annoyed with the Americans who go home-shopping in other countries and give us all a reputation for being demanding and spoiled.
    I’m currently living in a 300-square-foot studio. It’s not that bad. Kind of cozy.
    Am craving a fish taco now.
    Oh. For what it’s worth, I’ve been doing some diet research today, for myself, and stumbled on this blog that might be of interest to you, about this woman and her migraines.
    http://amateurfooddetective.blogspot.com/2010/05/link-between-migraines-and-carrageenan.html

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  17. It was cold up here in NJ this week as well, and I work outside. Brrr! On a different note, last week I had tilapia tacos. They were very good and now I feel the need to make them at home but maybe with tuna.

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  18. That would be legal here in Colorado. Now your ghosts or poltergeists or whatever are there will be too stoned to find the door.

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  19. Ohhhh! I love haunted houses! I swear I lived in an old haunted house once. She (we thinks it was a she, or a very morally, upstanding gentleman) would move things all the time. She moved my roommates girly magazines and replaced them with a bible- I have no idea which of us heathens owned that. She also found my gloves. My bad boyfriend had a motorcycle and one morning I couldn’t find my gloves, so I remarked as so, and left anyway. When I came back they were laid nicely on my kitchen table. We saw shadows out of the corner of our eyes (we blamed it on the left handed cigarettes, I was young, y’all!). And anyway, lots of other things happened, but this ain’t my blog. Finally one day my landlord called me and said the other tenants were complaining, and I needed to tell her straight, was her house haunted? I put down the pipe long enough to seriously consider this.
    Now my house is 100 years old, and there’s nary a spirit up in here. Oh well.
    Damn, that was long.

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  20. We have a small house (1200 sq feet), plus basement, in frigid Canada. Our main living area is open, and thank goodness, because otherwise I would be stuck in a tiny, tiny kitchen and would not be able to see my toddlers, who can quietly destroy a room in under 5 minute. I don’t like the house shows because of the prices of the houses in some areas of the US–they’re sooooo freaking cheap, it’s unbelievable! (yes, I’m just jealous, though not of all the folks that lost their homes in the last number of years because of the economy, that just really, really sucks).

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  21. You would LOVE Beverly’s house. It has character, is beautiful and is a great party house and has a front porch.
    I have a story and one-half Williamsburg house, which is very similar to a Cape Cod style, only with dormers. It’s got character with rooms. I’ve never had a desire for an open floor plan either. Those two-story foyers? You can hear the energy going to the ceiling.
    Lisa Pie, you are sooo right, “Do they not realize that their pricey granite and stainless steel are the avocado green and harvest gold of the future?” And all those fingerprints on the stainless steel, then you have to be concerned if the granite counter tops are emitting radon gas. (I read about that in “This Old House”.) Radon causes lung cancer. So, I’m very happy with my old-fashioned white appliances and counter tops. Don’t get me wrong, I think the granite and stainless are beautiful, but if I had granite counter tops I would break all my dishes.
    The news media tried their best to make the POSSIBILITY of sleet and snow a news item and how the City of Atlanta now has 11 snowplows and more salt trucks and employees on standby to work when the FIRST snowflake falls, not to mention how every one is stripping the shelves at the grocery store like we were going to have a blizzard.

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  22. I don’t think you’re cynical, June. I think you’re right. It’s a shame when a home becomes such a status symbol, although it’s nothing new. You know how L.A. is. We have lived in a normal sized house for the last 25 years but shortly after we bought it my mother-in-law urged us to “buy up”…just “one more’, “stretch your budget a little.” Crazy, crazy woman. Way to encourage your son and DIL to go into debt! We were more concerned with my being a stay-at-home mom with our great kids at the time. Oh well…to each his own. And no, I don’t have granite counter tops yet somehow I manage to hold my head up high when I go out in pubic! lol. Nothing against those readers with granite countertops! Many of my friends have them. Maybe you’ll get your cape cod someday, June, but your house is adorable and has lots of curb appeal.
    Ghosts? I’ve felt them, but never the scarey kind. Yuck. Be careful. Your welcome. *dodging liver*

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  23. I can’t help but say your Mother’s house-coveting behaviors may have rubbed off on you. No matter what lovely abode she resided in, she was always wanting/looking at some other
    Place. I think you are trying to capture the same nirvana state you felt when you lived in the Smurf blue house of your youth (teen years).

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  24. We have ghosts. A playful kid in one bedroom tickles guests and throws clothes off shelves. The adult ghost/s plays with the lights to let us know they are here and at times drives the cats nuts. It’s always funny when a cat spies the ghost/s. They are friendly. When they are too annoying, I just ask them to stop and they do.
    My husband grew up in a house with evil ghosts so he and his sister are extremely sensitive/aware to spaces with more evil than good in them.
    Love vintage, antiques, junk, junque, old stuff and generally anything with history and character but am so over my 113 year old house with cut up rooms. So over. It’s too hard to entertain.

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  25. I hate open floor plans. I live with my husband, 11 year old boy, 10 year old girl, & 2 dogs (Lucy & Frankie) and oh my word the body noise contests they have. I hate open floor plan. I LIKE me some walls. I LIKE me a basement where I can toss the kids. I like being able yo have my hoarders room all closed up where nobody can judge me. I feel like I’m the only one with a hoarders room. Whe I dump all the stuff I don’t know whzt to so with. My kids spend significant amount of time there. Cuz, hello, burp, scratch, and pass gas where nobody can see or smell you. Anyhows, aremtcha glad I shared? I really do hate those open floor plans, those fingerprint-magnet stainless steel appliances, and open floor plans.
    To make you laugh June, took our dogs to the local off-leash park. My kids pointed out a couple of dogs ‘Hey Mom, look, it’s Itchy & Bitchy!’ My jaw dropped cuz we don’t use swears, and so I asked the dogs’ owner ‘WHAT are their names?’ Itsy & Bitsy. Told her what I thought I heard – laughed like a couple of loons.

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  26. My house was built in 1920 and I have separate rooms, but they are in a really great flow for entertaining. It has character but it also has granite and stainless steel. My entry way has 13 foot ceilings but it’s not a very big entryway. My living room also has high ceilings. So June, what I think I’m saying is that you might kind of like my house and you might kind of hate it.

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  27. I love old and character filled. But…..have a kid in a wheelchair. She drives that thing like a bumper car careening from wall to wall. So one big room sounds lovely. I get my old and character filled with antique chippy bits hanging on the wall.
    The first day she got her power chair she scrapped our new van on all four sides because she didn’t think she should drive on the grass. (narrow driveway) This is Amy’s twin Elisabeth. They teach me that material things are fleeting. Sadly. I love material things. Love. Them.
    Even though technically you can’t love inanimate things.

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  28. I would love a Cape Cod or a Center Hall Colonial. What we HAVE, and, long story, I do not especially like in terms of what room is where, is a goddamn 1960s Split Ranch. No. Not a Split Ranch. Crap. RAISED RANCH!! That’s it. (It’s like an asshole. Everybody has one.)
    What we had before was a townhouse, and oh, my legs. One or two rooms on each floor. Five floors. Kids on top floor. Kitchen on second floor. Living room on first floor. I had the Ukrainian Gymnast Calves from all that stair-climbing. (Fortunately there were three bathrooms so you were never too far away from one of those.)
    Before that, I lived in an apartment in the burbs. Our RAISED RANCH is in the burbs. The townhouse was in the ex-urbs. (Just means further away from the urb.)
    Before that, I lived in an apartment in NYC.
    Before that, I lived in my mother’s womb. Now THAT was cramped.

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  29. I too want to hear about how the sage ritual goes at TinaDoris’. We have a ghost, (independently verified by two other people who previously lived in our 1915 house) although it is seemingly a benevolent one, it drives one of our dogs crazy!

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  30. I like my house because having more rooms means I have more places to be alone. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. But it’s also nice if my husband is watching a stupid show on TV, I can go into the dining room to read, or into the kitchen to cook and be all by myself.
    Furniture and appliance makers must think everyone lives in ginormous houses now though because it is nearly impossible to find a couch that will fit in my living room. And if I want to get something for my basement? It better be a sectional because with everything so large, it can’t make that turn at the bottom of the stairs. We are going to have to replace our refrigerator soon and when we were looking at different models we realized that we are going to have to lose a full cabinet in order to get a new one in there. What ever happened to normal sized stuff?

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  31. I thnk the reason you don’t like the kitchen open to other rooms is because you aren’t big on cooking, so don’t find yourself alone in the kitchen for hours. I hate closed-off kitchens, they make me feel like the hired help instead of part of the family.

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  32. I’m with you, June! Our house was built in th 1930’s and I love it! Although they updated the kitchen with granite tile countertops and stainless steel appliances (which I hate!)
    I have stopped watching House Hunters because I am so tired of the whining. No one looks to see the possibilities in a house. The International House Hunters is a better show, unless they are Americans who keep complaining about how the houses are so old and small.
    I’ve lived with ghosts before. After you smudge the place, TinaDoris should tell them to go away, that they aren’t welcome there anymore.
    Hope your head is better soon!

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  33. I’m in with The Other Erin. I like the open floor plan (in theory, because what I have are 1920s rooms) because I’m tired of all entertaining taking place without me. As if I have guests. Perhaps that should be a Resolution for me this year. Have guests.
    That sounds like much more fun than Find real job.
    But if you want rooms, in a hodge-podge crazy house, they’re yours June. I’d be very happy to move into and Arts and Crafts cottage with an open floor plan so I can watch the dog chase the cats, and Scout Son play Assassin’s Creed. Because that helps the novel writing process, let me tell you!
    And if it could be back in the WARM Bay Area instead of the ICY whatever NC, that would be nice too. Yes, the California English Major mistook “sunny South” to mean “warm.”

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  34. Now, see, I *like* the open floor plan. It’s a Big Thing here in Northern Virginia, the open floor plan, and you’d be hard-pressed (what does that even MEAN?) to find a new construction home without it.
    I think I like it mainly because I have a toddler, and it’s nice to be able to see what kind of trouble she and the dog are getting up to in the living room while I’m making dinner (well, what kind of trouble she’s getting up to, because the damn dog is always pressed against my leg while I’m cooking like he thinks I’m going to feed him scraps…which has never happened once in the history of his time in this house and you’d think he’d catch on already).
    Also, when we entertain it’s nice to be able to still socialize even as I’m spending most of my time in the kitchen refilling bowls of chips and taking pizza rolls out of the oven (we entertain all classy-like, with our Totino’s).
    Though I grew up in a house where the family room and the kitchen were just divided by a railing, so maybe it’s just what I’m used to? Being able to see the main living space from the kitchen?

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  35. I am soooo in agreement on those damn house shows. What gives with the whole bottom floor being all open on to each room, which seem to now be called “space”? As in, “Oh Plarvin, look at this open airy space. I love it so much! I know it’s waaaaay above our pesky budget, but let’s ignore that and get it! Then we will GUT it and put in the pre-requisite granite countertops and stainless steel appliances that we will ignore and go out to eat.”
    Those people irritate the beejeebers right out of me. Do they not realize that their pricey granite and stainless steel are the avocado green and harvest gold of the future?

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  36. Oh!! Ghost!! Take a picture in the house before you clense with sage. Would love to see if freaky picture shows up. Just go to the coldest room in the house – OHH!!

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  37. Where’s your camera when you need it, June? I would have loved to watch Edsel skating.
    I hope your head feels better soon. And that you de-Wesson Tina Doris’ house. Maybe if you ADD Wessonality to the house, the ghosts will go slip-sliding away.

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