Don’t doesn’t.

What're you doing?" asked Ned, when he called last night.

"I'm boiling eggs."

"WOW!"

What's sad is that me boiling eggs is such an exciting and novel occasion. And also that I had to look up how to do it.

(You poke a teensy hole in the top, according to my How to Cook Everything book, then you spoon each egg gently into boiling water for 12-15 minutes, depending on how hard you like your yolk. I already carry a hard yoke of despair, so I like mine soft. When time is up, you PLUNGE the eggs in ice water for two minutes, so they're easier to peel. Refrigerate. You're welcome.)

(I am practically the Pioneer Woman, aren't I? Wait. Let me put up some stunning photography.)

IMG_0231You.are.welcome. 9,432 comments, please.

The REASON I was boiling eggs, and the media HAS been alerted, yes, is because my cousin Katie, of "Aunt Katie, are you a lesbian?" fame, has decided I need to cut sugar out of my diet to eliminate the headaches, nausea and rashes I have and I agree that I am one sexy individual.

I just think it's part of my hard yoke of despair, but my cousin, who is a nurse, says it's my diet. Which is fine. The other day I had a blueberry doughnut for lunch, and blueberries are really good for you. And when I change my hair color, the Chinese-food delivery guy notices. "There's my Edsel! Hey, you changed your hair!" was the exact quote.

You know, Chinese people live forever. Why, then, is Chinese FOOD supposed to be so bad for you? Hmmm? Can you answer me that? It's MY theory that sesame chicken–which I didn't know existed till Hulk told me to order it and now I am obsessed–is a super food.

So, Katie sent me this PDF of what I can and can't eat, and I can't reproduce it for you here because it's a page from a real book and I will be sued. But here are some of the Dos and Don'ts. I love it when people write "Do's" and "Don'ts." Oh, so the DO needs a fake apostrophe before the s, but don't doesn't. That was a lovely sentence.

I CAN have chicken, red meat, avocado, cottage cheese, almonds, pistachios, and one green apple a day, or one green-tipped banana a day.

I CAN'T have corn, peanuts, cashews, bagels, pizza, popcorn, soy sauce or gum. I mean, there go all my food groups.

For three weeks I do this, and then I guess it lightens up after and I can–wooo!–have other fruit. The point is not to lose weight, because you've seen the svelte pole that is June and I love how I act like I am just fine the way I am and someone has been a little too Free to be Me & Me her whole life, but rather to stop being so damn sugary. If you did an Xray of me, itd look like one of those sugar-egg diaramas.

Easter_egg2
God, I love those. It's like it's about to give BIRTH to, you know, more sugar.

So I'll let you know how it goes. If I give up by the end of today. If I'm in a parking  lot eating a mess of Marathon bars in my car. Do they even make Marathon bars anymore? Also, how is it I feel like this is one of those posts where I have asked for no advice, and yet somehow subliminally it reads, "Adviiiiiice! Joooon needs adviiiiice!"

She doesn't. But you can tell me YOUR experience if you want. And ask me how I get my photos just so.

June, out. Of sugar.

128 thoughts on “Don’t doesn’t.

  1. I want/need to change my diet, too. I’ve cut way back on sugar, but I need to break my diet Coke habit (again) and I want to give up “white foods.” Well, I don’t *want* to ….
    My husband and I are going to Las Vegas next week so this is not the best time to start a diet. Maybe all those skinny Cirque de Soleil-ers will inspire me.

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  2. You are all so GOOD. While I eat my fruit and veg and exercise I also eat a load of junk on top. I am relatively slim (relative to the crap I eat) but my arteries must be 20% cheese. I must be compacted layers of lean and fat. A walking sausage roll.

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  3. The.Expert.In.Everything.Martha.Stewart advises peeling from the large end first. And Texas Kari is correct. Older eggs peel much easier than new eggs. New eggs=dimpled golf balls with half of the whites left in the shell.

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  4. I’m with Jan on the gum. I’ve been a total gum addict since childhood. I usually have around 3 or 4 packs in my purse. Good luck with the sugar elimination!
    My dogs stay underfoot in the kitchen every time I make hard boiled eggs. The three of them always get to split an egg, so I guess I’m rewarding their annoying behavior. I can’t resist their hopeful stares and tail wagging.

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  5. After changing my diet-vegaterian, very little sugar or processed food my migraines have all but disappeared. I’m now trying to get off my meds. Sugar is a bitch to kick out.

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  6. After changing my diet-vegaterian, very little sugar or processed food my migraines have all but disappeared. I’m now trying to get off my meds. Sugar is a bitch to kick out.

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  7. After changing my diet-vegaterian, very little sugar or processed food my migraines have all but disappeared. I’m now trying to get off my meds. Sugar is a bitch to kick out.

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  8. I have been low crabbing and sugar freeing it for two weeks now and the first two days I felt like sh*it. It was like I had the flu. The diet is ok now, just boring. It takes a lot of planning too…and deprivation. But, I’ve lost some weight and feel better!
    Good luck!
    Love, love those sugar eggs!!!

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  9. Stumbled upon you from a “church administration blog” google search (a very old post came up in the search) and I was delighted to see you not only still post, but you’re pretty hilarious. Good luck on eating better! …I really should do that…*Ahem* =)

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  10. I’m no expert, and I don’t know much about Truvia, but I think it’s a pretty processed product? I try to avoid sugars of all kinds (Except for those naturally occuring in whole foods. Twizzlers are not a whole food.). If I DO have sugars I like honey, real maple syrup and agave. Agave is probably the most processed of the three, but it does have a low glycemic index.
    I ain’t sayin’ I NEVER eat cane sugar. I just really try to avoid it ‘caus I feel much better when I do!

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  11. Just Paula,
    The trick for getting perfectly peeled eggs is to use eggs that have been hanging around your fridge for a while. Fresh eggs don’t peel well. Seems counterintuitive, I know. Something to do with the oxygen permeating the shell and membrane, blah blah. Use ripe eggs.

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  12. Roots,berries,bugs,tree bark,fruits,worms….you have heard of Euell Gibbons…. he died too.
    Moderation in everything. You only live once,you might as well enjoy something.
    Deprivation only makes it seem like you live longer.

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  13. First of all, where the HELL were these egg instructions when I needed them? I can hard boil the bejesus out of any egg, but peeling it? DISASTER. What is the trick for that?? Hmm? I end up with deformed ovoids that look like golf balls after a nuclear incident, all pocked and dimpled and actually missing small chunks. Try making an appealing deviled egg out of THAT.
    Ok. Deep breath. I’m over my egg angst. However, I wish I had a Trader Joe’s like Beverly.

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  14. DW’s Mom, great article, particularly about the artificial sweeteners being hidden in everything. I bought a big tub of Swiss Miss hot cocoa and buried deep in the ingredients was sucralose. colon right-paren. I guess we should all be like Ned and avoid anything pre-made, but that is so hard to do.

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  15. FYI sugary substitutes are now clogging the streams that lead to the ocean. They are not digested, we pee them out and the damage is done! Just as if we poured prescriptions drugs into our toilet!

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  16. Headlines……June done with food change at 5 pm today.
    I was just thinking last night that your photos have improved beyond belief.
    From Talullah Blueberry Gardens …
    Lu open wide for Chunkies.
    Pleez to depozit foods on tungu. Lu lub food mo om. Lu eet all food momz caint hab.
    LULALALALA sheez yoz baybee.

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  17. Katie, have you tried SugarBusters? They have some wonderful recipes. I wish I could get back on it, but my husband is not helpful to the cause of trying to diet.

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