What're you doing?" asked Ned, when he called last night.
"I'm boiling eggs."
What's sad is that me boiling eggs is such an exciting and novel occasion. And also that I had to look up how to do it.
(You poke a teensy hole in the top, according to my How to Cook Everything book, then you spoon each egg gently into boiling water for 12-15 minutes, depending on how hard you like your yolk. I already carry a hard yoke of despair, so I like mine soft. When time is up, you PLUNGE the eggs in ice water for two minutes, so they're easier to peel. Refrigerate. You're welcome.)
(I am practically the Pioneer Woman, aren't I? Wait. Let me put up some stunning photography.)
The REASON I was boiling eggs, and the media HAS been alerted, yes, is because my cousin Katie, of "Aunt Katie, are you a lesbian?" fame, has decided I need to cut sugar out of my diet to eliminate the headaches, nausea and rashes I have and I agree that I am one sexy individual.
I just think it's part of my hard yoke of despair, but my cousin, who is a nurse, says it's my diet. Which is fine. The other day I had a blueberry doughnut for lunch, and blueberries are really good for you. And when I change my hair color, the Chinese-food delivery guy notices. "There's my Edsel! Hey, you changed your hair!" was the exact quote.
You know, Chinese people live forever. Why, then, is Chinese FOOD supposed to be so bad for you? Hmmm? Can you answer me that? It's MY theory that sesame chicken–which I didn't know existed till Hulk told me to order it and now I am obsessed–is a super food.
So, Katie sent me this PDF of what I can and can't eat, and I can't reproduce it for you here because it's a page from a real book and I will be sued. But here are some of the Dos and Don'ts. I love it when people write "Do's" and "Don'ts." Oh, so the DO needs a fake apostrophe before the s, but don't doesn't. That was a lovely sentence.
I CAN have chicken, red meat, avocado, cottage cheese, almonds, pistachios, and one green apple a day, or one green-tipped banana a day.
I CAN'T have corn, peanuts, cashews, bagels, pizza, popcorn, soy sauce or gum. I mean, there go all my food groups.
For three weeks I do this, and then I guess it lightens up after and I can–wooo!–have other fruit. The point is not to lose weight, because you've seen the svelte pole that is June and I love how I act like I am just fine the way I am and someone has been a little too Free to be Me & Me her whole life, but rather to stop being so damn sugary. If you did an Xray of me, itd look like one of those sugar-egg diaramas.
So I'll let you know how it goes. If I give up by the end of today. If I'm in a parking lot eating a mess of Marathon bars in my car. Do they even make Marathon bars anymore? Also, how is it I feel like this is one of those posts where I have asked for no advice, and yet somehow subliminally it reads, "Adviiiiiice! Joooon needs adviiiiice!"
She doesn't. But you can tell me YOUR experience if you want. And ask me how I get my photos just so.
June, out. Of sugar.