Faithful Readers · June's stupid life

Weveal Wednesday

Last night, Ned and I went to the Post Secret Lecture at Wake Forest, which is a university where you learn all about woods that can't sleep. It's a school where they get you drunk and throw you in the forest, where you wake up lost. It's a school where the trees chatter like magpies, and you're all GO TO BED.

IMG_0359Okay, I'm done. Also, Dear Youth of Today: Sometimes you could go a minute without looking at your goddamn phone. Says the woman taking pictures with her phone.

IMG_0353It turns out WIDE AWAKE! I'm WIDE AWAKE! WIDE AWAKE! I'm not sleeping Forest is a very pretty university. It's small and it's private, just like my lady bits.

Am waiting for some Cliff Claven to write in and tell me what Wake Forest really means. Will be fascinated. I promise.

So, Post Secret, as I've told you before and pay attention, is a website where the founder of the thing (can you be a "founder" of a website? I just totally made that up, didn't I?) shows you post cards he received each week where people reveal their innermost secrets.

Last night he spoke about this phenomenon, and how he got started, and
secrets he's heard and then if you wanted, under the dimmed lights you
could go up and reveal yours.

IMG_0360Ned had a headache, but he went with me anyway. Then the whole time he looked miserable and headachy. Had Ned gotten to the microphone, his secret would have been, "I wish to remove my head and bludgeon June with it."

Poor Ned. I kept giving him the acupressure thing on his hand–have you ever tried it? it works sometimes–oh for God's sake, Google it–but it did not work for Ned, who clearly had one of those three-hour tumors we've heard so much about.

IMG_0362When you walked in, they handed you a post card, where you could write your OWN secret and mail it to the Post Secret guy. "Do you have any deep secrets?" I asked Ned, who claimed he did not. So then I made a bunch up on his post card.

IMG_0363"Yeah, that sure looks like a man wrote it," said Ned, rubbing his head. I tried again.

IMG_0365"What's better? Is that FLEECE? Why?" I mean, how long has Ned known me? Has he not yet caught on that I make no sense?

IMG_0368"Yeah, none of these things are true," said Ned, who probably stopped thinking I was da bomb somewhere between my Wake Forest jokes and fleece.

Anyway, finally the program began and Frank, the founding father of Post Secret, was just great. He said the secret he hears most is that people pee in the shower. I honestly think I have never once peed in the shower. I mean, why would you need to? You're already in the bathroom. I always pee before showering anyway. But if you've done it, no judgement here.

Freak.

When people got up and told their secrets, sometimes you just wanted to cry.

Anyway, after it was over, I said, "I am so doing this on my blog tomorrow. A faithful reader suggested that we have 'Fess Up Friday,' but now I'm too excited about it and I want to have, um, oh hell. It could be Secrets Saturday or Thrilling Thursday, but what the hell can Wednesday be?"

And that is why today is Weveal Wednesday, where if you want, you can tell us a secret. Sign in as anonymous, or as Not June or as Secret Person. Whatever. If you're really super worried, use a fake email address when you sign in. And no matter what the secret is, no one is allowed to say anything negative about it. We just have to let it be.

If you just want to say, "Lovely post, June," or "Did Ned ever recover?" you can do that too. (Answer: As soon as he ate something, he felt fine. He got the salmon. The waiter had to come over eleventy thousand times but finally he got the salmon. I had the pistachio-encrusted flounder, though, and I think I got the superior dish.)

But I'd love to have Weveal Wednesday most of all. We are only as sick as our secrets.

Philosophically, June

185 thoughts on “Weveal Wednesday

  1. What makes me even more angry and sad is that since the sex stopped, that special feeling I had for him has gone away. We are much more irritable with one another, too. I think each of us feels unloved, in very deep and differnt ways.
    I don’t know how to resolve this . . . I keep thinking it will change when he stops working, but he’s not getting any younger.
    My advice to single women who enjoy sex: marry someone your own age or younger. You don’t want to be living a celibate life at 50.

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  2. Secret Keeper, I am in the same position. I sometimes wonder if he only married me so he wouldn’t be 40 and alone. I wish *he* wanted to rip *my* clothes off all the time….

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  3. Dear Silent Griever and Birthday Girl,
    You are both in my heart as I imagine how difficult it must be for you to be around the joy of a new baby while you grieve.
    When my girlfriend and I were both ten, we were excited because our mothers were pregnant at the same time. She and her brother were both adopted and were looking forward to a new baby brother or sister. I remember the sorrow when her mother miscarried and I felt badly for my friend, even more so when my baby sister was born.
    Wishing you both peace. {{Hugs}}

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  4. When I was five I peed on my closet floor and my parents beat my puppy, thinking he had done it. My dog lived to be 19 – I had him from Kindergarten through college. I can never shed the guilt of causing him to be hurt.
    I fear losing my mind, and believe it is a real possibility. I come from a long line of incredible brilliance and heinous mental illness. I am only an exception in that I am self-aware.
    If my mother and husband should both happen to die, I am sure I will lose the will and ability to care for myself. Since insane asylums have been phased out in this country, my contingency plan (if they both should die) is to commit a crime and plead guilty so that I can live out the rest of my life in prison. The alternatives are homelessness or suicide.
    I do not have children because of the truths above, but I tell people I just never wanted children. The truth is I would absolutely love to be a parent but I know it would be a grave mistake and an injustice to my child, so I never will.

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  5. My 17 year old has been suspended from school 5 times for offenses that keep getting worse. He won a scholarship to a private school then had a meltdown and got kicked out. He spent a week in a psychiatric hospital and has spent literally thousands of hours in therapy. He takes meds for depression that aren’t working. I have pretty much given up on parenting him because whatever I have done so far hasn’t worked. I am always worried about what he’s going to do next. I don’t know how else to help him and I want him to move out. I can’t say this to anyone, not even my husband. My other son is the complete opposite. And saying that also makes me feel guilty.

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  6. To “Horrified” from comment #171 – please don’t beat yourself up for having an abortion when you were ill and on lots of meds. You did what you thought was best at the time. I had a miscarriage when I was a teenager. I sensed I was pregnant but didn’t take a test because I was too scared. I drank and did drugs and when the miscarriage began I became convinced that by drinking and doing drugs I’d killed my baby. Please don’t blame yourself. An unexpected pregnancy can throw your whole world upside down. You did what you thought you needed to do at the time. I forgave myself. Please forgive yourself, too. I understand.

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  7. I can not stay away from my husband’s ex-friend.
    I don’t know why I don’t leave my husband.
    I know that I love this other man.
    Sex with him has made me dislike sex with my husband.
    This other man is with a woman with an illness that will likely result in her dying prematurely. I sometimes wonder if this is his backwards attempt to wait for me, by not doing anything permanent.
    We haven’t been together in two years and I miss him horribly.
    I don’t know how I can consider myself to be a good person and do this to my husband.

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  8. What a powerful experience it has been to read these secrets. While I am not brave enough to make any revelations, quite a few secrets revealed by others bear striking similarities to some of mine.
    I so agree that we should try to be kind as everyone is fighting a hard battle.

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  9. Going Anon, I just had to reply to you because I know EXACTLY what you mean when you talk about the smell of the Marlboro affecting. I was molested over a summer by my then elementary school band director. That was over 40 years ago, and while I can say I have had some trust issues with partners growing up because of that, I think I have worked through them.
    I can say that I now vaguely remember what happened – I get little bits and pieces sometimes but nothing that haunts me. But the one thing that still violently hits me to this day is the smell of his aftershave. When I pass someone who has that aftershave on – and I can’t even tell you what kind it is – I get immediately sick to my stomach and start to panic. I am not prone to panic attacks – that is the only time it happens. It passes quickly, thank God. It’s amazing how your brain will let go of visual memories, but retain a sensory one.
    I hope it helps you, as it does me, to know that someone else knows exactly what you feel. Until now, I thought I was the only one experiencing this.
    I’m sending cyber good thoughts your way and hope that as time passes, you release the bitterness toward your cousin and grandma. Not for their sake – I hope it tortures them and some day, they’ll have to answer for what they did – but for yourself so you can find peace and healing.

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  10. “Sometimes it’s because it takes everything in her just to get out of bed and take a shower, much less make a phone call or plan a lunch date.”
    I’ve been there too. Will keep you in my prayers, friend.

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  11. Due to a terrible illness and many medications I was so fearful for my pregnancy that I had an abortion. It haunts me to this day that I killed my baby. I hope no else ever goes through that.

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  12. Thank you. I don’t believe it was wrong either. Hospice tried to make me think it was wrong but, well…f*ck them!

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  13. I am so ashamed to say that but i often think my husband is weak and whimpy-ish. He excels at sports but with work-related stuff he tends to be fearful and procrastinates and tries to get away with the least effort possible. That’s in part the reason why he’s now been unemployed for more than a year. That has in part caused in me a lack of respect and turned me off sexually and romantically to him. I feel bad saying this because I know work isn’t everything and shouldn’t define a person/man, but I can’t help being very attracted to people who are hard workers, achievers, I guess. I work in a field where I often get to meet and talk to people who have achieved a lot professionally. I find that stimulating and exciting. My husband is the nicest guy you could ever meet, we are mostly good friends and joke around a lot and have a lot of fun playing but I am just sort of numb to him romantically/sexually and have been for a long while now. I am afraid what that may mean for us as a couple. He deserves a wife who is attracted to him and I’d like a husband I respect and maybe even admire at times. Not sure what to do…

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  14. I am RIGHT THERE with you, not joking. My husband is 17 years older, and it has been 8 years since we had sex. I feel like if he really loved me, it would mean something to him that I am lonely and frustrated.
    In every other respect, he is a wonderful man too, and I don’t want to leave him. I do worry about what I would do if another man was physically attracted to me.

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  15. I divorced my horribly abusive husband when my son was 4, but kept kept reconciling and separating from my husband until my son was 13. then I met the man who would become my second husband. My 13-year old son decided to live with his father because he was afraid his dad would commit suicide.
    My son did not speak to me for two years, and we have not had a close relationship since (it has been 20 years). There are days I feel so guilty for leaving my son who grew up to have many qualities that his father has. Mmy only hope is that he never beats or cheats on his wife. I have never revealed my first husband’s behavior to our son, and sometimes it feels like I am living with acid coursing through my veins. I hate my ex and I hate myself for scrwing up an innocent child who is mean to his wife, can’t keep a job, doesn’t want children, and struggles with depression. I think I should have stayed, even if it would have killed me.

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  16. I dread the day my Husband’s ex-wife gets out of prison because I worry that she will convince the kids that she has changed and I won’t be “Mom” anymore.

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  17. When I was around 13, my older cousin forced me to have sex with him in the upstairs bedroom at my grandma’s house. My parents were going through their divorce at the time, and my mom was spending a lot of time with her friends. So she’d often leave me with my grandma. My cousin did this to me, repeatedly, for nearly two years. i swear my grandma had to have had an inkling what was going on, but she never did or said anything. And I was too scared to speak up. He was a smoker, and the scent of Marlboro reds haunts me to this day. Once I was old enough to drive, I never stayed at my grandma’s again. To this day, no one knows about this. I refuse to have a relationship with this grandma, and no one knows why. I also refuse to go to family gatherings if I know this cousin will be there. Thankfully I live halfway across the country and never have to worry about this.
    This lead to issues as a teenager, and I slept with over 30 guys before the age of 21. No one would have guessed that either. Thankfully I was responsible enough to get tested regularly at the clinic and stayed clean.
    I have other secrets too, but this is by far the most difficult and life-altering one.

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  18. My Dad was an alcoholic with a capital A. I decided to forgive him before he died so when he did he would not haunt me. I think staying angry would have made it worse. When he did die I found out about a week later via text from a friend. My first thought was “Well I’m glad that fucking finally happened.”. About 3 months later I found out he had opended a joint credit card in my name that I was now responsible for. After begging, crying & many phone calls I was able to get out of the charges but not before it toally screwed up my credit rating. So another battle with that. Lessons learned are let go of anger/resentment before they go because chances are there will be situational things that happen that will piss you off after they die. And check your credit report regularly. I hope you find some peace…

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  19. anon e mouse, please contact June, as I have told her of an organization that may be able to help with your pet expenses.

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  20. When the three of us were kids we lived in the days that divorce was shameful and very rare and we all secretly wanted our mother to divorce our crazy father. We didn’t tell each other until we were middle-aged.
    When my father finally died one of us had previously died, one of us was with a friend and immediately danced and sang and then then ran for wine and toasted his death, and one of us fell on the floor sobbing and screaming in relief.
    We each would have killed him if we could have. He was paranoid and narcissistic and refused clinical help and sucked the life out of anyone he knew.
    That’s not the kind of thing you tell people. Especially since most of my friends are daddy’s girls and adore their fathers. People gave me sad condolences and I accepted them knowing they were giving themselves condolences in fear of their own dad’s death.
    Now I celebrate every single Father’s Day because I don’t have to send the crazy old man a card. His birthday, too.
    I hated him so much that I never had children so I couldn’t pass on his genes. That is the ultimate parent-child hate.

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  21. Just want you to know it might not be as horrible as you think if you admit you like the country. My husband is black and country is one of his favorite styles of music. In fact, he’ll tell you he cannot stand rap or what is now called R&B (he likes the old R&B though).
    Also, I just want to say I have spent the last day reading all these secrets and wishing I had the time to respond to every single hurting person. Even if some of us never revealed our secrets, each of you who did probably touched on something that someone else is keeping as their own secret.
    What I really wish is for us all to get to the point where we are Ned-like in that we just don’t have anything to hold on to and are happy.

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  22. secret
    noun
    Definition of SECRET
    1
    a : something kept hidden or unexplained : mystery
    b : something kept from the knowledge of others or shared only confidentially with a few
    c : a method, formula, or process used in an art or operation and divulged only to those of one’s own company or craft

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  23. Lisa, I am the same way. I was over here wondering if I could anonymously post my OWN secret to my OWN blog, but while I have had rotten things happen to me in the past, and have insecurities and sadness even now, either you guys know about them or 87 of my friends in real life do. I never shut the hell up. I kind of admire people who can keep anything to themselves.

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  24. You have no reason to believe me, but I really do live a life with no secrets. That’s not to say that I tell everyone everything, but I have told everything to SOMEONE. That someone is generally my husband. I tell him everything. Even when he (not so secretly) wishes I would shut the hell up.
    And to the person who said everyone had problems – that’s absolutely true. I have had my own share of problems and still do have a few. But problems are not the same as secrets.

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  25. my eldest son has not spoken to me for 20odd years because i moved out of a bad marriage ,but did tell me once that i did the right thing.now is in the usa and i do not except every to have any dealings with him.my other son is so busy i do not see much of him or grand children.most have a very bad mother.

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  26. I joke about being a mommy that needs meds, but I actually had to start taking antidepressants. Postpartum depression is not fun and it can last longer than it takes to lose the baby weight. Sometimes when a woman has a baby and seems distant from her friends, its not because she is focused on her child 24/7. Sometimes it’s because it takes everything in her just to get out of bed and take a shower, much less make a phone call or plan a lunch date. I am grateful I have turned a corner and actually enjoy my kids, family, and friends now. In praying for all of you in your struggles. I hope you will pray for me too.

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  27. My mom was the bomb, your post really touched me and made me cry. I know it was horrible for you. What a testament of love! I don’t believe that anything done out of pure love for someone else, is ever wrong.

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  28. Wow….who typed their secret, submitted it, and when they reread it, all out there on this post, kind of got slapped in the face by it and thought “Man, it looks much more horrifying in print – I can’t believe I went through that!”
    I hope you also feel, like I did, a little pride in yourself for being a survivor and getting through your struggle. And I hope it made you stronger for it.

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  29. Bye Bye Pie is my secret vice. Amd my dawgs will be giving me shit if they find out I enjoy reading a blog about a Michigan whitegirl livin in da South! **fist bump**

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  30. PJ, I just had to comment to you, because I’m one of those people who probably look like they’re straight arrows. Always doing the right thing, seemingly living nicely and honestly and openly……but in spite of really trying to always be that kind of person, doing the right thing, behind closed doors my life has, at times, been the worst Lifetime Movie ever! But because of growing up in a family who was very religious, leaders of the church, pillars of the community, I have been taught my whole life to put on an outwardly perfect appearance while keeping my dirty laundry secret.
    I might be a little jaded because of what I’ve experienced, but I would bet anything that your two seemingly perfect friends have a big hot mess going on at times in their lives too, and their children are sometimes spawns from hell, their husbands are sometimes huge jackwagons, but they feel the need to keep the truth from everyone else.
    I sometimes think it’s almost a superiority thing with people like that. They feel superior to everyone else because they put on the show of perfect lives, perfect marriages, perfect children. I know that is true with my family.
    If their lives are truly as perfect as they appear to be, then more power to them – I am happy for them. But I suspect that they are not.

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  31. LisaPie, may I add my name to your comment? You have expressed my thoughts, as have others, much more eloquently than I could.

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  32. I gotta tell y’all that my eyes have been opened to others’ troubles by this sharing experience like nothing else has ever done. My emotions are overflowing and I love the feeling of comraderie that we truly are all in this together.
    Many thanks for all the raw and vulnerable glimpses into how our neighbors are living and that we really need to know to treat each other with much more kindness and gentleness.
    Lots of hugs being sent cyberly to any and all who need them.

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  33. I used to think about driving my car into a bridge concrete pillar or off the road in some horrible way that my children would think it was an accident. Thank God with counseling and meds I now know I just wanted the pain to stop.

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  34. To June: Lovely post today. Thank you for letting us all share our secrets. Reading what others are going through has made me put my problems into perspective, and realize they could be much, much worse.
    To Anon #136: My heart broke when I read your comment. You are a much bigger person than I am, and I hope you have found the happiness you deserve with your new guy. Hugs and love to you as well as everyone else who has commented today.

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  35. Great post, June! It felt good to anonymously weveal. My heart goes out to all of you who are struggling.

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  36. I believe some people do not have secrets. Of course I am not one of them but I believe some people have led very straightforward lives. They may have things in their past that they are embarrassed about, but not secrets.
    There are straight arrows in this world. I am not one of them. I have two friends who I believe are genuine straight arrows who have always lived openly and nicely and according to societal rules. Who married right the first time, or knew they shouldn’t marry. Who had easy to raise good kids or didn’t have kids.

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  37. #126 Yet Another Anon…I have to respond to you. I wrap my heart around you. You are not a failure or a bad person. Those are faulty brain chemicals talking. I believe what you have said about everything else. I get a whole lot of what you are saying.

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  38. OK, last comment. June, thank you SO much for this post. I don’t know about anyone else, but it was very cathartic for me to realize that everyone struggles with their own secrets and demons and the guilt as a result of them.

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  39. I am blown away by this page today. It speaks to the resiliency and courage of the human spirit that the commenters on this blog are so funny and witty and faithful and nervy with what all is going on in our lives.
    I am humbled and I will read the comments differently henceforth. Laughing out loud and knowing the reality of our, not your, our lives.

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  40. Horny Toad, you made me laugh out loud! Thanks for adding some levity to these heartbreaking stories. I have the exact same Mother, believe me.

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  41. To everyone who is struggling with the guilt of their secrets, who did the most difficult thing for the right reasons, who revealed heartbreaking secrets, I send you a hug and pray that you forgive yourself and find peace.
    To everyone who says they have no secrets, I call bullshit! Either you’re lying or deluding yourself. We all have secrets – things that have broken our hearts and made us ashamed. To anyone who judges anyone else on this site – you need to have walked in their shoes before you pass any judgment. I say that to myself, also, and hope that I remember that everyone else is carrying a burden, also.

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  42. I was married for almost 25 years to a man who was gay, but never confessed to me. We never consummated our marriage in those almost 25 years. He convinced me that he had physical problems, and I believed him. I didn’t leave because I thought that would be horrible to dump a man who cannot perform because of a physical difficulty. So out of his own desire to not be found out, he used me as a screen to look hetero.
    Four years before the divorce, I accidentally pulled up his Internet history and saw that he had profiles on several gay dating websites, and after digging, found chat sessions where he made arrangements to meet up with men. It broke my heart and took the wind out of me at the same time. And then I felt completely stupid for not seeing the signs and putting it all together. So concievably, he had been sleeping with men the whole 25 years, while expecting me to be totally faithful and celebate (and except for about 5 times during a 2 year period – see above – I was completely faithful for almost 23 years).
    And then I stayed for 4 more years, for some stupid reason, before I filed for divorce. After filing, I met a wonderful man who I started dating. I have not had anyone confirm it to me, but the way my in-laws and almost all of our friends completely turned their backs on me after the divorce, I am pretty sure that my ex told them all that I was cheating on him and filed for divorce to be with this other man. None of them offered me any support during such a heartbreaking time. He didn’t have the balls, even then, to finally admit that he was gay. And of course, I was stupidly dating this other guy before the divorce was final, so it looked like that was true (even though it wasn’t!).
    My ex still looks like the injured party and I am too bound by some stupid sense of loyalty to tell people the truth about his sexuality and why I filed for divorce. We both still go to the same church and sing in the choir and he is a pillar of the community, so I didn’t have the guts to destroy his reputation. I threatened to out him to get the house (which I considered payoff for all the hell he put me through), but never did when he handed the house over. I never told anyone – even my family – that he was gay, until well after I had filed for divorce. And even then, I only told my family.
    I am still, 3 years later, eaten up by the unfairness of it all. He used me and took away my choice to have children, and now I look like a whore and he is still a pillar of the community.

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  43. My husband and I are both disappointed that I’m not a sexual dynamo. But I’m not a kid anymore, I work a difficult and stressful job, and I have health issues. He was an ass to me for a YEAR and finally admitted he was angry about the infrequency with which we had sex. We have sex on a schedule now. It makes me feel like sex is a commodity, just something I have to do to keep my husband. It makes me angry. I wish I still had a raging libido, then this problem would disappear.

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  44. My grown kids keep me from leaving my husband. They have such wonderful lives and families and I don’t want to cause them grief. Plus he’d be dependent on them, since he’s dependent on me now. Everyone around me would probably say I’m a strong person. I’m good at fooling everyone, including myself.
    Thanks for keeping your blog going, June. It is a bright spot for me.

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  45. I have problems, but compared to those shared here today, dealing with and caring for a grumpy 95 year old lady with visual and memory problems, without any help, is really nothing. I am being honest with myself, it is what it is and I can’t change the situation.

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  46. My husband cheats on me. I left two years ago and came back this last fall….I know he’ll never stop, he hasn’t in 12 years. Mostly, it’s just texting with strangers that he meets online but three of the times it was with different old girlfriends from college.
    I’m financially very successful and intelligent. I’m pretty and social, outgoing and outspoken. I have an amazing daughter and never ever want her to be with someone like him.
    For many years, he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. We’ve been in counseling together for the last year and he goes to a separate counselor as well. The abuse is no longer there but we haven’t had sex in 3 years….well, I haven’t had sex.
    What am I doing???

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  47. I had a 2 year affair with the husband of a couple who were best friends with my (now ex) husband and me. We were together all the time. Even took vacations together. The other guy even told me after the affair was over that he regularly visited several websites for married people who want to cheat, and met women at least once a month (that completely disgusted me!)
    It was years ago and noone ever found out. I have never told anyone else either. But when my husband and I divorced years later and that couple took his side and turned their back on me, it was all I could do to do the right thing instead of extracting revenge and telling the truth to my ex and the wife of the other couple. Athough I know it was during a tough time when my marriage was falling apart in a huge way and I wasn’t in my right mind to make good choices, I still feel terrible guilt over it. That was SO not something I would do in my right mind.

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  48. I am 40 years old and have never had an orgasm with a man.
    Vibrators? Yes, all the time (but not until I was in my early 30s).
    I fake it every single time, with every single guy I’ve ever been with.
    How pathetic is that?
    I’ve never told anyone this before, by the way.

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  49. Anonymous at comment #126, you seem like such a strong, brave, genuinely nice person. I am truly inspired by your strength.

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  50. I wonder whether a good follow-up theme would be–NOT ADVICE–but our own stories about the therapies or philosophies or books or whatever that have helped us through sad or hard times. With suffering comes wisdom, if we’re lucky, and there is probably a lot of wisdom here.
    (P.S. I’m not trying, in any way whatsoever, to put a positive spin on suffering. But speaking only for myself, I’ve learned a few things when things have gone wrong as well as when things have gone right.)

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  51. My other secret is that I also swallow my gum… almost all the time.
    And I, too, listen to Gangster Rap. Bad, dirty, hard-core gangster rap. That has me sprinting up the stairs when I leave my i-pod on the dock and I hear one start up while my children are in the room. I’m not sure which would mortify my kids more, the (known) fact that I love Barry Manilow or the (unknown) fact of the rap I listen to when I’m home alone. The rap that, if I caught my kids listening to, would have me in tears wondering where I’ve gone wrong as a parent.

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  52. People I know think I’m a very intelligent, together person, but I see myself as a complete failure at life.
    My mom was (still is) abusive, and I–more often than I would like to admit–find her voice coming out of my mouth when I talk to my kids. My dad put all his care into my stepfamily. My family denies that I went through any hardship and I have been ostracized for telling the truth. But still I am the only one who takes care of my mom, and sometimes I can’t wait for her to die so I can stop.
    I have had clinical depression for as long as I can remember–another thing denied by my family. I have been suicidal since I was 12 years old, and think about death at least a few times a week, if not every day. I stay alive because there are people who rely on me to take care of them.
    My husband and I are not planning to stay together after our kids are out of school. We have not slept in the same room for years. I tell my close friends that I plan on moving to Europe once my kids are grown up and my mom has died, but I don’t honestly think I will stay alive that long.
    I was trained from a very young age to never let anyone see the problems in our family, so no one who actually cares about me knows what’s going on in my head.

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  53. I wonder if tomorrow when we all gather here will we all feel naked in some way although today we have been clothed in anonymity?
    This is my favorite post ever. Of all time. I did confess a secret up there but I did so anonymously. June, I beg you to do this again some day. We obviously all needed it and for those who still didn’t feel safe sharing today may feel differently another day.

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  54. My 15 year old daughter played guitar with Charley Pride’s son, Carlton, a few years ago. He has a reggae band..Carlton Pride and Zion. Cool family!

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  55. Safe, fun site for things to put in green sequined purses among other things. UPS delivered a non-descript package one day, and had an issue with damage with it and the UPS dude was saying where it was from (it does not state the website name) and I grabbed the package and said no problem, have a good day. Really? THAT’S the package that gets damaged? Thankfully the contents were okay *insert big smiley face here*
    http://www.liberator.com/

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  56. I was raised poor. When I was young I worked in a place that had a big storeroom of office supplies that I had access to. I was staggered by the piles of paper of various kinds, pens, pencils, staplers, scissors, etc. etc. I used to take stuff home all the time. My desk was well stocked with anything and everything. I never thought of it as stealing, it just seemed like there was so much of it it was like picking up seashells from the beach. That’s not stealing from the beach. It just deposits more.
    When I got much older I realized I WAS stealing. It shocked and humiliated and I wanted to pay the company back but they were out of business. I still blush at the thought. It has given me compassion for people who have nothing or little who take from people who seem to have an abundance.

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  57. I am a closet hip hop rap music lover. My oldest is a DJ and opens for various rap artists and small concert venues and clubs. I’m an almost 48 (birthday is Friday!) year old very conservative, preppy, pearl and J.Crew wearing female. My kids know I listen to some of the stuff; however, have no idea that my playlist goes beyond popular radio hip hop. My friends, they would die if they heard what is on my iPod.

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  58. I also pretend to be funny to get chicks on blogs to want me.
    Oh. And I fake orgasms.

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  59. I also pretend to be funny to get chicks on blogs to want me.
    Oh. And I fake orgasms.

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  60. I also pretend to be funny to get chicks on blogs to want me.
    Oh. And I fake orgasms.

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  61. When I was younger, I told a guy that I was pregnant after he dumped me and made him give me money to pay for a non-existent abortion. This is the first time I’ve EVER told this.

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  62. I secretly love country music, and Darius Rucker and Charlie Pride are my idols. I carry a secret ipod and listen to classic country and can sing any George Strait song. The thing is I am a black man from Phoenix and I DJ and remix rap songs as a side job. I came across your blog by accident and honestly this shizz (junes blog) is funny as hell. My friends and family will NEVER understand if I reveal my secret passion. #peaceout.

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  63. June, thanks for making this possible. This has been heart-wrenching and lovely all at the same time – does that make sense? It is a profound lesson in why we all need to take better care of each other. Yes, we need to take care of ourselves, but we must be able to also recognize those people who can’t take care of themselves the way they deserve and we must help them. It starts with the thoughts from a couple of commenters that we need to be kind to everyone because we don’t know what they are going thru. Some of my most clear memories are of times when I received really very small mercies at a time of such need or despair or sadness or self-loathing that the “small” gesture became a watermark for me.
    Reading this blog never ceases to impress me with the vast amounts of talent, courage, empathy, resilience, humor, and community that you all have. I can feed off of that energy for my own self most days. You are all fabulous. Thank you.

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  64. There are lots of things I could reveal here, but I’ll just pick two. My father was/is an awful person–no physical abuse but lots of emotional abuse and coldness and not caring. I know that for my own sake if not his, I should try to make some small amount of peace before he dies, so that I don’t carry hatred in me forever, but I know that I won’t do it, and I also know that I will feel guilty about that forever. And nevertheless, I know I won’t do it and it’ll only affect me negatively. I am just too stubborn and I know it, but can’t change it and I’m ashamed of that quality.
    The other thing I will reveal (weavel, sorry) here is that, like someone else above said, when I hear of a good female friend that’s going to have a baby, I too despair and feel anger because I know I’ll be losing my friend. I “lost” my very best friend this way and I still miss her constantly. I wonder if she’ll have time for me again once her kids are in freaking college? Probably not.
    BTW, I can’t help but feel a) murderous and b) highly skeptical when I read or hear (in Pieland, or elsewhere) that someone “has no problems.” WTF?! Are those people being honest with themselves? Are they delusional? Are they Stepford wives? Are they made of plastic?!

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  65. Many, many thanks (and heartfelt, albeit virtual, hugs to those who want them) to everybody who has shared. Some of the secrets have just taken the breath right out of me, from sorrow or from trying to imagine the crushing stress… I am so sorry. Truly.
    The motto I try to live by is “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” All these secrets have shown me just how true this is.
    Coincidentally, just today I found this video of a TED talk by Brene Brown on vulnerability. It’s only twenty minutes long, and while watching videos that someone else has recommended isn’t my cup of tea either, I’m posting the link because I liked it and maybe somebody else will, too. It’s kind of about how life isn’t what we want it to be, and our pasts aren’t how they want them to be, and how we can respond to that either with vulnerability or by closing off our feelings and emotions. (Hint: she recommends vulnerability.) It’s a nice talk, upbeat and positive.
    http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

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  66. June, thank you for giving all of us a safe place to unload. Maybe we can do this again. Yes, it was difficult to read of all the heart wrenching secrets but if it helps one person, it’s worth it. For all of you with secrets that seem too big to let go of, you will be in my prayers that you can find a way and a place to share so you aren’t carrying it alone. I have tried to live with the attitude that you should be kind to everyone you meet because you don’t know what their life is like….today has been proof of that. I’ll be on my knees for an extended length of time, tonight. HULK…get your mind out of the gutter.

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  67. The hospice let us down when my dad was dying – they had said someone would be available around the clock, but when we needed them the night he died, they said nobody could come until the next morning. My brother left a message saying that he realized a death was nothing unusual for them, but for us, it was the last chance we’d have to do anything for our dad, and we really wanted to do it as well as was humanly possible. Finally, the nurse waltzed in and basically told us how to drug him until he died.
    And Birthday Girl, I’ve been there (well, I didn’t have to attend my birthday party, but I did have to go to work with my dead but not yet miscarried baby I hadn’t told anyone about and pretend to pay attention during a training class). I’m so sorry.

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  68. My B-I-L is a pedophile. He has not been convicted because the statue of limitations ran out. We believe the many (now) women who came forward with the accusations. We refuse to have anything more to do with my in-laws in any sense after finding this out.

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  69. 1. Sex is a chore. I’m bored with it.
    2. Sometimes I wish my mom would just die already.
    3. I hate myself for wishing that.
    4. I have a secret so horrible, more horrible than #2. I can’t post it here or anywhere.

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  70. My husband suffers from major depression and anxiety. We’re nearly $70,000 in debt; we’re both equally at fault. I’m working a full time job and a part time job to try and pay the debt down in the next two years because my husband is planning on retiring from his job in two years. He is extremely successful at his job and highly respected but he absolutely hates it and it does contribute to his depression issues. After nearly three years of his depression being untreated, he went on medication a year ago and even though they’ve helped tremendously, he is still going to retire.
    I tell all of our friends and family that I work the second job because I want to save some money for us to go travelling because I am ashamed at how in debt we are. Outwardly I am completely supporting and loving to my husband and assure him repeatedly that I understand why he needs to quit his job.
    But secretly I am angry and resentful that he can’t “handle” things better (even though I know he cannot help his depression) and now I have to work 70 hours a week so that we won’t go bankrupt when he retires. I am constantly worried about money and our future but I can’t share it with him because he immediately becomes the “martyr” who will sacrifice everything and stay at a job he hates because it’s ALL his fault and he deserves to be unhappy.
    Our friends and family all joke that I am the difficult one to live with because they have no idea who my husband really is. If they only knew the hell that man has put me through for the last three years and how many times I have pasted an understanding smile on my face and listened to them blather on about their small, petty problems, while on the inside I call them foolish and worry about my suicidal husband and whether I can fit in a third job somehow.
    But despite everything – I still love him madly. So I guess that makes me the foolish one huh?

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  71. It may sound lame, but I want to hug each and every one of you. Maybe we all need a group hug…for those who want to hug.
    I truly hope each of you can forgive yourself for whatever it is that is eating away at you. June, you have done a very good deed today to allow a safe place for secrets to be unloaded. It’s true, we never know what burdens another is carrying.

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  72. there seems to be a correlation between obsessive q tip cleaning and having no secrets. Personally I’d choose q tips. These secrets are so heartbreaking. I feel like June should have at least included a consolation brownie to all the hurting people pouring out their heart today. I hope everyone feels better by speaking these out loud. Come to think of it, June probably gave everyone a greater gift than chocolate today.

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