...friend/Ned · June's stupid life · Television · Times I Amused My Own Self

Tyrannosaurus Ned

I meant to write sooner today, but apparently MTV feels the need to distract me with retro episodes of The Real World, in particular The Real World Las Vegas from 2002.

"Trishelle's hawt." There's this poor awkward kid from the Midwest on Real World LV, and do you like how I've become so familiar with it that I abbreviate it, kind of like when people call it "Idol," which by the way makes me wretch. "Idol." Shut up. Anyway, the poor awkward kid says that 9,000 times an episode in TRWLV. "Trishelle's hawt."

And she was kinda hawt.

Trishellecannatella

Back when this was a real show, Marvin and I would go around saying, "Trishelle's hawt" in that poor Midwestern kid's voice, and guess who needed lives so bad? Was it Marvin and me?

Also, I love how on this show they fight over use of the phone, because no one had cell phones. That was only 11 years ago. I'm telling you, styles are kind of the same, music is kind of the same, TV IS KIND OF THE SAME, but technology? All over the place. It's the only thing that seems dated from then: the lack of technology.

OHMYGOD none of this is why I GATHERED you here today, though. I GATHERED you here to update you on Ned's condition, and to tell you about Chris and Lilly's baby, and all I can think about is Trishelle and her cell phone.

What kind of bullshit name is Trishelle, anyway?

So Ned, who seems to have no opinion on Trishelle, but maybe that's because I've never asked him about his feelings on Trishelle, went to get his dang wisdom teeth out yesterday, and I took him. When you go to Ned's–and why are you at Ned's? What are you doing with Ned? I could kick your ass, you know, you giant tramp–you have to call him so he can let you in to the Fort Knox Gelatin that is his apartment. You'd think he was storing gold or Trishelle up there, so secure is that building. The point is, I was just gonna call and he was gonna come down and then we were gonna schlep to the dentist to remove his parts. But when I called, his "Hello?" sounded so scared and beleaguered that I just felt terrible for him.

Ned. Looking forward to having his teefs out since never.

When we got there, I planted myself in the lobby, where I'm delighted to tell you a sporting event was taking place on the lobby TV.

IMG_0374The dentist really went in for the "we're in a cabin somewhere" scheme, by the way. To the left, there, is a canoe book shelf. I am not making that up.

IMG_0377Here I am, thoroughly enjoying said game. Note also the canoe lamp behind me. My ex-best-friend Esmerelda (the first person to ask gets impaled with a pine cone. I've told the story 40 times. Google ByeByePie + lost my best friend. You're welcome) used to sell Precious Moments figurines, and they had an anniversary figurine of two Native Americans, "injuns" as Hulk and his offensive Indian tattoo would call them, and the figurine read "Many moons in same canoe. Blessum you."

I am also not making that up.

Fortunately, Ned's appointment went quickly, and I was never so glad to see someone's cute face as I was when he came out of that room. I'd been trying to read but really the whole time I'd just been nauseated for him. Really, I was nervous as a cat, because he was. But he was at the desk paying and I mouthed, "You okay?" and he nodded yes, because of course he was clamping down on 50 yards of gauze. Really, dental procedures are barbaric.

We had to go fill his prescription for pain meds, and even though he was clamping, he managed to chatter like a magpie the whole way. "Aaat rully wonn't so ad," he said.

"You should probably try not to talk," I said.

"O ay." [Eight-second pause.]

"Eally, o. It wonn't at ad."

"Okay, good. But TRY NOT TO TALK. Just clamp."

"Oot ooo you aaant oo oo now?"

"OHMYGOD, CLAMP. We aren't gonna do anything now but get you home. Geez."

Eventually, we got home and Ned changed his disgusting awful gauze and got all woozy about it and asked for a chocolate shake. Ned never wants bad things like chocolate shakes, and I was glad to go get him one. But right when I was leaving, I got a text that Lilly had had her baby! And they wanted me to visit right then!

Ned said he'd watch his riveting sports and sleep and to go ahead, and I was kind of worried he'd expire from tooth removal, but I also really wanted to see Lilly for the FOURTEEN SECONDS they keep you at the hospital anymore, so I said I'd scream over there, stay for 15 minutes so as not to be the rude overstaying visitor, then get Ned his shake.

On my way to see Lilly, I remembered I forgot to sign that contract for the Exciting Thing Ima tell you about eventually, so I stopped at home, let the dogs out who were totally confused by me being home at 4 p.m., signed and scanned and emailed said Exciting Contract, then scream scream screamed over to the hospital that is eight inches from my front door, and also where I left my fibroids last year. And the year before.

Clearly I have boomerang fibroids.

And oh! Lilly's baby is cute! And thank heavens, because Lilly had SAID she had a cute baby, but she's the MOM. If that thing had come out looking like Marty Feldman she'd have thought it was cute.

ZellafamOkay, here's the story. Lilly said I could put the baby's picture on here, and I KNOW Lilly HATES her own picture, yet I ASSURE you she looks REALLY VERY LOVELY in this one, but I cut as much of her out as I could so I wouldn't piss her off and yet still include the baby. Whose name is Zella Grace. It's a family name. Isn't that a cool name?

IMG_0379Also, Lilly got a beautiful diamond necklace from Chris, for, you know, passing a huge baby head out her parts and so on. Which by the way Lilly did not exactly enjoy. Wasn't what you'd call a relaxed evening, her evening of giving birth. Am thinking surrogate motherhood will not be on L's list of hobbies anytime soon.

Childbirth. Apparently it hurts.

Naturally when I got back to Ned's I showed him this photo of me holding a newborn necklace. "You deserve a diamond necklace too," said Ned, who I doubt is out getting me one because he clearly said that while under the influence of morphine or whatever he took for his teeth. "When you have my children, I will get you a diamond necklace."

See. Someone just got away with murder, there.

The point is, after I did all those things like sign contracts and visit babies and covet diamonds, I schlepped to the shake store and got Ned's treat, only to DROP IT LIKE IT WAS HOT when I got to his house.

Best.girlfriend.ever. And yes, I DID go get another one. And yes, I DID swear like a madwoman. I'd like to take this moment to thank my dad for teaching me all the really good swears, because man did they come in handy when I dropped that @&%# shake.

So there it was. Ned survived. Lilly birthed. It was a big day. Other than the part where I didn't get any diamond necklace.

The rest of the evening we spent quietly, because Ned was told he couldn't eat anything but mushy stuff, and he couldn't drink alcohol, and he couldn't have…raucous activity, so that pretty much ruled out anything we WOULD have done on a Friday. Usually Fridays find us eating a whole mess of peanut brittle then slam dancing in a mosh pit.

Generally on Fridays we have a who-can-chew-the-biggest-piece-of-ice contest and then we head to the bumper cars.

Fridays? That's our eat gravel and box each other night.

Okay I'm done. So what we DID end up doing was eating split pea soup and talking.

"If you be named after something, what would it be?" I asked Ned.

"A beer. No, wait. Beers are too transient; they come and they go." Tell that to Mr. Bud Light.

"A comet," he amended. "But not one that hardly ever appears. A comet that shows up every four years, like the Olympics. …Or a dinosaur. I'd like to have a dinosaur named after me. What about you?"

"Lipstick or a sex act. Except with my luck, it'd end up being one of those sex acts involving poop. 'I'm never seeing him again. He wanted to June Gardens me! These are Egyptian cotton sheets!'"

I finally settled on a rose. I want a rose named after me. Wouldn't that be nice? The June Gardens pale pink rose. With sparkles. Maybe you could plant it and add a little glitter to the soil and it'd grow all sparkly. Do you think?

Anyway. He feels sore today and a little tired, but I think Ned will live. And Lilly is home already, of course, because WHAT IS WITH HOSPITALS TODAY? Lilly mentioned that Zella hated her first bath, and I suggested she might be French.

With that, I bid you adieu. June and her rose, out.

I wonder what we'd name after Trishelle? A hot plate. The Trishelle Hawt Plate.

ImageP.S. Chris and Lilly just sent this picture. thurtee-ate hourz of lyfe all it take to be totlee sik of ant joon blog.

84 thoughts on “Tyrannosaurus Ned

  1. Well, really there’s not a REAL Tara, however, there is a pre-Civil War house that survived Sherman, that MIGHT have influenced Margaret Mitchell’s description of Tara because the house was originally on the road she traveled when she visited relatives at the Fitzgerald house, where she did some of her writing. Tourist also come to town wanting to see Rhett Butler’s grave.

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  2. Oh my. Squishy brand new baby photos. This is my favorite post ever!
    I kid, I kid.
    You’re such a good girlfriend! Glad Ned is on the mend.

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  3. There is another video similar to this one (or else part of this is missing). The girl asks what’s in her mouth, and she’s told gauze is in her mouth. She then asks, “God’s in my mouth?” Killed me.

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  4. I’ve been to Babyland General Hospital! That’s that place in the mountains where they birth the Cabbage Patch Dolls! Ooooo, do I get to see the real Tara? Do I get to simper and flounce and pout? I’m especially attractive when I simper and pout.

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  5. Zella is lovely! However, her upstaging of Ned’s misery only serves to prove my earlier point – baby’s are needy, attention-seeking whores.

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  6. Welcome to the world, beautiful baby Zella Grace! Congratulations, Lilly and Chris. Thank you for sharing her with us!
    And thanks, ant Joon, for posting the photos. You are going to have SO MUCH FUN in your new role!
    Glad to hear Ned survived the extractions. Hope he has a speedy recovery.

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  7. Yeah! Wait a f*ucking minute, here. I birthed three babies. One through my vajayjay, the other two cut out, and I didn’t get any f*ucking diamonds, or rubies, or anything for that matter. No flowers. What the f*uck. After the third, I told him very clearly all I wanted was a caramel apple from the wonderful candy shop in town. Did I get it? F*CUK NO. I demand a do-over except, I won’t have any babies. I’ll just lie in bed all day, being waited on, while my husband brings me food and diamonds.

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  8. Zella Grace is lovely! She obviously also very smart and social media savvy and has already figured out how to pose for pictures for Ant Joon’s blog.
    My husband had his teeth of wisdom out when we were newlyweds. I went home from work on my lunch hour, picked him up, and dropped him off at the dentist. I was young and clueless and didn’t even think about staying with him. 😦
    When I went to pick him up it was quitting time and the dental staff all wanted to get out of there. They made me go back to the procedure room with them to help wake him up, because he wasn’t coming out of the anesthesia quickly. I ended up practically carrying his very drugged self to the car, and then up the stairs to our apartment. Looking back now I wonder what in the world sort of shady dental clinic that was, and how they thought it was right to send a patient home when he couldn’t even walk. Sheesh…
    In case someone is compiling stats: two babies, no bling.

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  9. Fort Knox Gelatin did not go unappreciated.
    The picture of the new holy family is wonderful. As is that last picture of Zella Grace. You can already tell that LillyChris are in trouble. Zella owns them. And she knows it. She knows it.

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  10. Zella is be-u-tee-ful!
    What is wrong with your men folks? I must be the luckiest person on the planet! I get some sort of nice antique jewelry to add to my collection for every big occasion, I am very grateful. He has wonderful taste and is kind and thoughtful.
    And no. I have NEVER pushed a baby out of anywhere. The very least you ladies deserve for doing that is a diamond necklace!

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  11. Now that is one cutie patootie baby! And no wonder. Her parents are cuties too.
    No birthin’ baby gifts here either. Hmmmmph.
    I’m glad Ned did well after his procedure.

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  12. Zella Grace is a beautiful baby!
    Glad Ned is doing well – but how would he not be with such a gifted and experienced in the ails of life nurse.

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  13. Oh my goodness! Zella Grace is beautiful! Congratulations Lily and Chris!
    I worked nights last night and am working again tonight. While I was trying to figure what would be on TV tonight (yes. I get to watch TV while at work at night) I came across the Real World, LV marathon! I was so excited! It’s the Real World I judge all other Real Worlds by.
    And… Glad Ned survived and is doing ok.

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  14. I don’t think Ned’s apartment building has security at all. That’s just his way to get advance notice that you’re there so he can get rid of Trishelle by the time you get to his door. Glad he did well at the tooth extraction.
    Beautiful baby Zella! Congrats, LillyChris! I think every woman deserves a spectacular piece of jewelry from their babydaddy after pushing his child out of her lady parts.
    I hates the Pukious Moments figurines. So hokey. I have a girlfriend who has a huge collection of them and displays them in her living room in several curio cabinets. When you walk by the cabinets, you would swear all the figurines’ eyes are following you! And at night, they plot your demise. Creeeeeepy.

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  15. Happy Birthday, Carol in Mpls. I can only imagine how sick you must be of the snow, but this Southern girl was delighted to see it snowing in October when I visited your fair city many years ago. Now I’m just thankful all the rain we have been getting here this winter wasn’t frozen.
    June, your friend Lilly is so pretty. At least, the glimpse I see of her is. No wonder Zella Grace is so cute. She has inherited good looking genes from both parents.

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  16. That Zella IS a very cute baby! Born to a very cute couple. Symbolized with a verybcute diamond pendant! Happy baby, Chris and Lilly!

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  17. Very funny post and long too! I love when you write a lot! Such a sweet baby and a great name!
    I used to watch Real World all the time, as well as Road Rules and all the Battles RW/RR.

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  18. Well, I happened to notice how long your eyelashes are in that one picture. How was that not the whole point of this post? But, yes, a very pretty baby. And hope Ned’s suffering is over. All I got after giving birth, was, well, babies.

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  19. aww beautiful baby! and beautiful name! Congratulations to them all.
    I didn’t get shit when I had my babies. well, except I got beautiful babies. But still, diamonds would have topped it off.
    Glad Ned is doing better and hope he’s having a wonderful all-sports day.

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  20. Oh good grief. And I’m only 26 years in. Sigh. Maybe Ima just DEMAND a diamond necklace/ruby earrings. Or go charge them and say thank you…

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  21. That dentists waiting room screams RAMADA INN Closing Sale. Exit here.
    I am so enjoying the Exciting Contract vicariously….even though you’re not spilling your guts yet. I’m just on pins n needles. Really.
    Wow, that *is* a pretty baby. Zella will never find her name on a package of pencil’s at Wal Mart but if she marries as well as her mama did, that will all be just a faded memory. And tell Lilly she looks wonderful for a woman who just pushed another human being out of her body. We should all be so lucky.
    Mr. Garden Girl is not so intuitive with the diamond giving so for our 25th Wedding Anniversary I asked for and researched the perfect diamond anniversary ring for myself. It’s really pretty, and I’m often complimented on it, to which I reply with a smile: “Thank you…..I earned it.” Kind of joking…kind of not. : /

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  22. I would like a diamond necklace to have my name on it. Call it what you want. The Not Lisa would sound great as long as its around my neck!
    That baby is bee-yoo-tee-ful! And so is her name. Good job Chris and Lilly! Well Lilly really, but Chris did his part too, I’m sure!

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  23. What a beautiful little family! Zella Grace is so sweet and has perfect skin. Not all splotchy like they sometimes come out. Like they not quite done.
    I got nothing except stitches for popping out 3. And the last one was 10.5 pounds. I should have gotten a bonus gift for that one.

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  24. “Push Presents?” Cheezus Christ on a cracker.
    The only thing I got when I birthed Thing 1 was forgotten at the hospital when I was discharged. Yes, my lovely husband COMPLETELY FORGOT TO COME AND GET HIS WIFE AND NEW SON. It was the cherry on the top of a nightmare birth sundae. That man should have bought me a Rolex for what he put me through.
    I hate Precious Moments. My grandma collected them and I hated their smarmy simpering faces and the hokey “inspirational” names.
    Little Zella Grace is adorable. And I love the name.

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  25. Well, today’s my birthday and so far no diamond necklace. Kitty snuggles and coffee, and a long, long, long lunch, but no jewelry. Welcome to Baby Zella, another fine Aries girl, and hopefully she brought spring, as I’m tired of the snow and mushy stuff.
    My Filipino friend gave me a mango — could that be a birthday tradition of a sort?

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  26. June, I read that getting a diamond necklace would require having Neds babies and that was plural.
    I am pretty sure that would require diamond necklaces that weigh as much as said babies.
    RWLV….We used to call her Trashelle.
    Love the caption under 36 hour old baby picture.

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  27. June, I read that getting a diamond necklace would require having Neds babies and that was plural.
    I am pretty sure that would require diamond necklaces that weigh as much as said babies.
    RWLV….We used to call her Trashelle.
    Love the caption under 36 hour old baby picture.

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  28. June, I read that getting a diamond necklace would require having Neds babies and that was plural.
    I am pretty sure that would require diamond necklaces that weigh as much as said babies.
    RWLV….We used to call her Trashelle.
    Love the caption under 36 hour old baby picture.

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  29. My push presents were mastitis and a bent tailbone.
    Tell Ned I am proud of him. Having teefectomies as an adult is very nervous making. June should go and charge a diamond necklace to him and tell him he said it was okay when he was on the drugz!

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  30. Oh my god, Trishelle! I haven’t thought about TRWLV in a long time. I think Las Vegas was the best Real World (that I watched). What a cast of characters! I was only a few years older than the cast when that show was on and, man, my friends and I looked down upon those young’uns and their antics. We got together every week to watch.
    What a beautiful baby! Congratulations to Chris and Lilly. I hope they don’t listen to the doctors and wake the baby every 3 hrs to eat tonight. Worst advice I ever got from a doctor. And to think I actually listened in my “just gave birth” stupor.

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  31. Zella Grace is beautiful. Great job Chris and Lily. Chris you are first class with the diamond necklace.
    I would like to have a race horse named after me. They are so beautiful and majestic. Tee-of-War.

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  32. Bah!! The Katie Tuna Taco.
    The Katuna Taco.
    Katuna Kataco. Wait. Is that from Lion King?

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  33. Katie got a sorbet named after her? As well as the no-sugar, all-lesbian diet? The same Katie? Hardly seems fair.

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  34. Oh also, look how pretty Lilly is! She does not look like someone who just birthed a baby. Goodness. How big was the baby? I assume June will say somewhere between 5-15 lbs.

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  35. Congrats to those cute parents. What a beautiful baby and name!
    This post brought back things I hadn’t thought of in a while. My mom collected Precious Moments, she and my dad surprised each other with that “Injun” figurine for their 40th anniversary. They unwrapped them at the same time and you should have seen the look on their faces. They both laughed until the tears rolled down their cheeks. Thanks for jogging that memory. Oh, I now have one of those figurines on my shelf.
    My kids used to love The Real World, I remember watching one of them with my son and I was so embarrassed to see what was going on…it made me blush! A few years ago, I had a student whose brother was on The Real World, DC. His name is Mike Manning. I was afraid to watch the show because I didn’t know if I could look him or his sister in the eye after seeing what took place. Mike was (is) a great looking young man and a real sweetheart. I’ll have to look him up and see what he’s doing these days.
    Glad Ned is doing well, maybe you’ll get a diamond necklace for being a good nurse!

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  36. Zella is a beautiful baby! Thanks for sharing!
    I’m glad Ned is recovering well- wisdom teeth surgery scares me.

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  37. This is the honest to God truth, that is once cute baby!!!
    I didn’t push two kids out, I had my stomach ripped open old school with a ginormous scare to show for it and then they pulled those little suckers out. I would never forgive them for that torture except I’m expecting them to take care of me when I’m old.

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  38. Ok, Helen. I’m curious. How does one accidentally hike for 3 hours?
    Squeee! Zella Grace is adorable. I love, love, love her scowlly face and her sweet baby hat. Congratulations again Lilly and Chris. The diamond necklace is a nice touch, Chris.
    Happy healing, Ned. Guess that applies to Lilly, too, so happy healing, Lilly.

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  39. Ok, Helen. I’m curious. How does one accidentally hike for 3 hours?
    Squeee! Zella Grace is adorable. I love, love, love her scowlly face and her sweet baby hat. Congratulations again Lilly and Chris. The diamond necklace is a nice touch, Chris.
    Happy healing, Ned. Guess that applies to Lilly, too, so happy healing, Lilly.

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  40. Ok, Helen. I’m curious. How does one accidentally hike for 3 hours?
    Squeee! Zella Grace is adorable. I love, love, love her scowlly face and her sweet baby hat. Congratulations again Lilly and Chris. The diamond necklace is a nice touch, Chris.
    Happy healing, Ned. Guess that applies to Lilly, too, so happy healing, Lilly.

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  41. Genius post, June. You and the clever, it’s just amazing.
    Chris and Lilly have a gorgeous baby! So pretty. And what plump cheeks she has there!
    I hear from my clients that they call those “push presents”. I think that is tacky with a capital T. Also, I got the highly coveted McDonald’s Quarter pounder with cheese after 8 hours of labor. Seems to me I got ripped off royally. Hmmph.

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  42. Awwww…she’s a cute little stinker isn’t she?
    I did not get one effing thing for pushing two offspring out of my woo haa. Who’s surprised were not divorced?
    A rose. Nice one. I’d pick a drink.

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  43. Kari of TX, my cousin Katie had a dream that they named a sorbet after her. It was the Katie [last name here] Raspberry Sorbet. I told her to get a ladder and get over herself.

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  44. Well, I certainly never received a gift as lovely as that necklace after giving birth. All I got was a giant hungry baby girl and some ice chips. Chris was very thoughtful, but the best gift is that cutie baby. Aww.
    I haven’t thought about the Real World in ages. The last one I saw was the one where they all lived in a former firehouse.
    I want an ice cream flavor named after me.

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  45. A rose by any other name…
    Have you seen Vanderpump Rules yet on Hulu? Talk about stupid, addicting stupidness. And yet I can’t turn it off!

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  46. It's a shame we have to work so hard for our diamond necklaces. I knew a cute old woman who had ruby earrings from her husband. "I got these for 40 years of service," she told me.

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  47. I just accidentally hiked for 3 hours and FEEL like I gave birth but nobody is giving me a diamond necklace either. Glad Ned is OK and will live. Zella Grace is adorable and this whole post was just lovely and funny as usual June.

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  48. I LOVE the name Zella Grace! Thanks for not naming her Hayley, Melissa, Jessica, Madison, Hannah, Blue Ivy or Rainbow. Not that the first few aren’t great names — it’s just that everyone has them. Blue Ivy and Rainbow — not so much…

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