I wonder if I could be any more sick of having pets right now. Lily started falling off the cat condo--because she's a stupid drunk, is why--and in a panic because Lily was gonna fall on her, Iris CLIMBED ONTO ME all nervously and JUMPED OFF ME as though I were an inanimate object with … Continue reading Releasing the splendor of June
New Purple Clover up. This time it's about clothes. Because I.am.deep.
Trying to get you people to answer a simple question is like herding cats. Green or blue? "Well, June, in 1987 I decided to stop believing in colors, so I surgically had that part of my brain removed and now I see only black and white." GREEN OR BLUE? "Are we talking about penises, June?" … Continue reading In which most of you fail to appreciate the healing powers of the Big Mac, a superfood in its own category.
Whopper or Big Mac?
I just wrote something for work, then stampeded over here to blog, and I hope I don't sound corporate due to my work-writing hangover. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. Let me see if this is actionable; I'll give you a heads up and we'll run it up the flagpole. In other … Continue reading Beach Bitch
I've burned the CRAP out my back, every time I eat I chew sand, and last night I fell asleep before the four-year-old here. (She was at the arcade; she's totes hung over today, plus she won a seal.) Ned hurt his foot trying to use this surfboard-y thing all the 17-year-olds were using. So … Continue reading Last day at the beach
Do you know who I love? Wouldn't it be scandalous if the answer were Ned's sister? When I return, remind me to tell you about the ghost child on the beach last night. OooooooWEEEooooo! Sent from my iPhone
Because I'm super busy. Kthnxbye. Sent from my iPhone
Today I found an excellent shell. The end. Sent from my iPhone
Remember in Beaches, when you kept waiting for Barbara Hershey to die, and there she'd be in the next scene? Here I still am! I'm like that Monty Python skit: I'm not dead yet! Oh, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! God, that's funny. Anyway, I know you're all, Why is she still posting? Why isn't she at the beach, … Continue reading Beaches
THE ROYAL BABY IS ALMOST HERE! SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!!! hooo care. Oh, this is so exciting. I gotta get everything ready in case she brings it over right away. ...What? Do you think Kate Middleton reads my blog? I mean, I'm the only person talking about her online, right? What if Paula H&B is really Kate Middleton … Continue reading ROYAL BABY! ROYAL BABYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
Lemme ask you something. Why'd I LOOK so bad two years ago? Seriously, was it the hair? That color is an abomination, and why did my loved ones not say anything? Was it my newly divorced status? I'm not trying to say, Oh, what a raving beauty I am now, but godDAMMIT. I looked awful! … Continue reading June’s life turns on a dime. Read on!
I have to hurry, which I know makes Faithful Reader Paula nervous, and she is going to start reading quickly now, as though I might have to hurry off any second now with my post under my arm. The REASON I have to hurry is I have an eye appointment, because like my cat I … Continue reading Ebony Eyes
I have a new Purple Clover article up.
The best thing about my birthday is that Ned got "Ned!"ed while he was buying my birthday cards. Yes, cards, plural, because he is the best boy ever invented. The woman at the store said, "I'm not gonna pretend that I don't know you're Ned." She said she's been reading me since Bye Bye, Buy, … Continue reading Birthday wrapup. Oh, and I hate Typepad.
I have to go tear open my 4539399393 presents now. (Only child.) (You should have seen my obscene haul when I was also the only grandchild.) I will report on my festivities tomorrow. I know! Lucky.You. In the meantime, what was your very best birthday? What was your dumbest? Do tell.
First of all, my Uncle Leo is okay. -ish. He has a bump on his head, and they did a CT scan, but he's home, staying at my cousin's for a few days. What happened was, my uncle was cleaning the freeway, not because he's a prisoner, but because he is involved in one of … Continue reading A Boar-ing Evening
I am doing 400 things, but wanted to show you this, which Faithful Reader Paula put on Pie on the Face. In case you did not know, Pie on the Face is a group on Facebook that gets together and does dumb things like put up dog diaries. Anyway, this made me spit up. … Continue reading June, interrupted
My father has been going through all sorts of old papers, and among other crucial documents he found my bowling scores from when I was on a hard-hitting league in fifth grade. Our team name was The Morning Glories, but it really should have been June is the Only Hetero Girl. Lots of sturdy no-nonsense … Continue reading Morning Glory
I have, as usual, many things to tell you and all of them are dumb. ...I guess technically I have just two things to tell you, but, still, dumb. As you know, my air conditioner has been not what you'd call, you know, cooling the place down a lot, which is its one job, and … Continue reading My assets froze while yours have dropped