ROYAL BABY! ROYAL BABYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

THE ROYAL BABY IS ALMOST HERE! SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

IMG_1620hooo care.

Oh, this is so exciting. I gotta get everything ready in case she brings it over right away. …What?

Do you think Kate Middleton reads my blog? I mean, I'm the only person talking about her online, right? What if Paula H&B is really Kate Middleton and she's been fooling me all these years with a fake commenter name? Yeah, I work! At a bank! Sure! That's the ticket! That would mean, of course, that Kate has come up with some hilARious Camilla jokes over the years, which would be fabulous.

Oh, who can even concentrate? This is so exciting. WE'RE IN LABOR! LABOUR! As my Google alerts spelled it, because of course the English papers had it first.

I just have to remember to breathe. And push!push!push!push!push! I used to watch A Baby Story on the ironically named Learning Channel, and there was always some idiot saying "push!push!push!push!push!push!" at the poor woman giving birth, and you just wanted to smack her in the head.

Is that still on? A Baby Story? Because what an annoying show. I choose to be annoyed by The Real Housewives now, thank you.

In other news, it rained here yesterday. This is like saying there was some wind in Dorothy's neighborhood that one day in Kansas. Holy cats.

Ned and I were going to the movies, and I was doing my stupid Spencer Tracy workout first when BLOOP! It got dark. I mean, it was that fast. I was on all fours, lookin' sexayy, and I thought, Am I having an aneurysm? Because I'm fun that way. I looked up and

BLAM!

Five thousand pounds of water was hitting my living room windows. It was like my house was going through the car wash. POOOOOOSSHHH! There was water screaming everywhere. Then bloop! My power went out.

And here is the worst thing. I FINISHED the workout anyway, because I know it in my head now.

BOOM! It went, outside. BOOM BOOM! CRACK! That was about the time Tallulah started in with the gas. She wouldn't tremble, she has too much pride for that, she just casually sidled up next to me and expelled the wind all afternoon.

BOOM! {gas} BOOM! {flurrp}

I had to get into the shower, which was redundant, really, and I could HEAR THE THUNDER while I showered! Oh, it was dramatic. Finally, Ned showed up, and when I opened the door, there he was, completely soaked and absolutely delighted with this dramatic weather. I guess it goes without saying that he likes things dramatic sometimes.

Also, no matter what happens, for as long as I live, I will never forget how earth-shatteringly hot Ned looked on my porch right at that moment.

But hot we weren't when we got to the FREEZING COLD air-stupid-conditioned theater and had to sit through that whole movie soaking wet. We never did dry off. Why can't places adjust the temp for the actual weather outside? It's like they say, "Okay, it's June! Set the thermostat to 20! Turn it back down in October! Go!"

Anyway, the documentary on backup singers was good. And when we got outside, every tree in America was down, and all the creeks and things were TOTALLY FLOODED. We should NOT have been out driving in all that, but Ned was completely thrilled with it, and wanting to go to every body of water ever invented, to see if it, too, was flooded. (Answer: Yes.) I don't know how we didn't end up like Jessica Savitch and her date.

Finally, we met my pal The Naughty Professor at the restaurant we like to go to on Sundays, where I get this turkey sandwich on a croissant with sliced green apple and honey walnut cream cheese. Almost every week we go there, and every week Ned says, "Is it even open?" Seriously, he says it every week.

IMG_1616It's the kind of restaurant you can't see into, is the thing, but you'd think the giant rainbow-color OPEN sign might tip him off. He never trusts it. Note how he is still completely wet, even though we'd sat through a 90-minute movie. We're both gonna catch our deaths, I just know it.

IMG_1618
Anyway, we got up with Naughty, and it was a fine time. I think this is the first photo of him I've put up that doesn't have him be-hatted. Am I right?

Today, other than OBSESSING OVER THE ROYAL BABY who better be a girl, I'm getting ready for the beach (we go tomorrow) and going to the headache clinic. Remember when I did a drug trial for them awhile back, and would that stuff GET ON THE MARKET ALREADY? It was great. Anyway, Ima do another drug trial, and I will alert you should I turn into a rat or something. Suddenly I feel like dragging scraps of paper to a spiderweb.

All right, I'm off. HAS SHE HAD IT YET?

HOW ABOUT NOW?

98 thoughts on “ROYAL BABY! ROYAL BABYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

  1. You guys are all too funny. Have a wonderful vacation, June (and Paula too). I would love to see a picture of the two of you on the beach somewhere.
    And congratulations, Princess Kate. The pressure is off to carry on the royal line.

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  2. I’m going with :
    James Charles Phillip Michael Frances
    Who’s in to wager?
    And Paula is killing me. As did Tanya. She killed me, I revived and then Paula killed me again.

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  3. Awww…remember when Princess Diana screwed up Charles’ name during their marriage ceremony? Called him Phillip Charles Arthur George and you could tell by her expression that she knew she had f*ucked it up, but the horse was out of the stable. I remember feeling so bad for her and wondering, did she “take” the right man?

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  4. When you finished your workout without the music it reminded me of the Winter Olympics when I was young and the ice skaters from Russia’s music cut off and they finished their routine perfectly and won the gold medal. So you get a gold medal for Tracy Morgan!
    So it’s a boy I guess. Let the naming begin! I vote for John Paul George Ringo.

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  5. I’mma guess: Edward William Charles Phillip Harry Alexander George. And they will call him Ned!

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  6. Well I think you can bet it won’t be Braedyn or Braxton or Jaxson or Kaiden or Caden or Kayden, or Kaydon… All those trendy names the modern (read teenage) moms love.

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  7. As soon as I heard Royal Baby had arrived I had to run over here to read the comments! Thank goodness Royal Baby Boy doesn’t have the Camilla genes or Just Paula’s and Letha’s name choices might be the winners. (See what I did there?)

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  8. James
    George
    Richard
    Wait. She had an 8lb baby with that bump? Bitch. She’s going go home thinner than before she was royally knocked up!!

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  9. If you happen to run into Just Paula hanging around the lighthouse at Hatteras, that’s when you will know she probably is not Kate Middleton.

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  10. Jessica Savich! I think of her every single time I go over a bridge, even though I think her car just slipped off a normal road. I roll down my windows before crossing so that when I don’t die plummeting into the sea, I will be able to unbuckle and swim out the window to my rescue. Jessica did not die in vain!

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  11. I’m an Alexandra, and while I like my name now, I hated it growing up in the late 50’s and early 60’s,especially in Tiny Town north Fl. Here’s hoping Kate’s labor isn’t too long. Jessica Savitch! June, your mind travels to crazy places.

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  12. 1. Princess Charlotte. Or Prince John/James. Thems the names I have in the Name That Royal Baby pool.
    b. The Queen will NEVER abdicate/step down. EVER. It ain’t gonna happen, people.
    Three. What the hell happened to The Learning Channel? When did it become Trashy/Exploitation Reality Channel?
    FORE! I see nothing wrong or unusual about Prince Charles NOT being there. Only my sister was at the hospital when I had Thing 1. And later that day, while I was still in a daze and in intense pain, my entire family of in-laws plus some of THEIR friends all swooped in on me en masse and I was like, “Get these people OUT OF HERE!” And no family other than my husband was at the hospital when Thing 2 was born.

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  13. My daughter goes by the shortened Alex. However, I do occasionally feel the need to roll out with the full “Alexandra Rebecca strong Italian last name that also ends in a vowel”.

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  14. I used to watch Baby Story too until the day I saw the episode that began with an oddly dressed couple who said, “Well, we are Druids…”
    ???

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  15. I used to watch Baby Story too until the day I saw the episode that began with an oddly dressed couple who said, “Well, we are Druids…”
    ???

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  16. I used to watch Baby Story too until the day I saw the episode that began with an oddly dressed couple who said, “Well, we are Druids…”
    ???

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  17. Sorry to hear about your uncle, Lisa Pie in TX. Hope the family gathering goes well.
    And yeah…you are right…A Baby Story was pretty stupid. Except for the one when my doctors appeared. That was most excellent!

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  18. I really like that photo of Ned! He does look too good to be in need of new shoes. Who is looking at your feet when you look that good, anyway?!
    I do like YOUR shoe purchase of yesterday (not that you NEEDED new shoes) and, had I been the cool Black woman you approached for advice, I would have told you they were good. I just might have been wearing a sparkly orange shirt. ‘Cause I’m cool like that! But just for the record, some of us are corny and clueless…just not ME.
    The royal birth is imminent! Yay! Hope the baby is born today, a Cancer, and not tomorrow, a Leo. When I was pregnant, I was obsessed with watching episodes of A Baby Story. In fact, I got to see MY doctors deliver someone’s baby on the show! They took just as good care of me off-camera.
    You are so lucky to be vacationing at the beach, June. I hope you have a wonderful, rain-free week. I am still lamenting the cancellation of my beach holiday on Martha’s Vineyard. Had me downright despondent today. Mercifully, my husband does know how to cheer me up with cash. Works every time. I shall also live vicariously through your and Just Paula’s beach vacations…upside down photos and all!

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  19. I like Alexandra too, because I like the “short for” version the best. Princess Alex or Alexa.
    “Alexa Karen, don’t make me come over there!”
    You KNOW, Karen Alexa really flows better.

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  20. Alexandra, after my daughter. Who was named after Alexandra Spaulding – because it does make sense to name your kid after soap stars. And, Karen MUST be her middle name.

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  21. Hey hey hey. Outer Banks. That’s my story.
    Ok, just conversationally, which name do you like best?
    Charlotte
    Victoria
    Alexandra
    I mean, she’ll have a string of middles (Elizabeth Diana Patricia Karen) but for firsties, what say you?

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  22. You killed me describing Talu’s gas.
    We went to a wedding reception where it was so cold, I pulled the tablecloth up and tucked it under my arms trying not to freeze to death. Come to think of it, we never got a thank you note from the bride and groom. Huh.
    Enjoy your beach vacation! Just think, you’ll be baking on the beach and thinking “remember when we were freezing the other day?”

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  23. I love Edsel’s Wylie Coyote nose sneaking into the shot. Do you think the Queen ever wakes up in the morning and goes, “Holy Shit! I’m a Queen!”?

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  24. I’m sorry about your uncle’s passing. Take care. If you’re like me you’ll slip off to find someone’s computer in some back room somewhere and catch a peek at The Pie. I am such a Pie junkie. Especially when I’m traveling it feels like a piece of home.

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  25. We were in a restaurant once and my friend was so cold she went out to my car and brought in the dog’s blanket with the little doggie footprints printed all over it and wore it in the restaurant. To everyone’s horror but hers.

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  26. Yes, Nithya, do people in England try to act like they’re not impressed?
    When I lived in Australia my Aussie friends went to great lengths to impress upon us how little they thought of the royal family and how they couldn’t care less who was queen. But their stash of magazines always gave away the truth.

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  27. I have a special sweater and a little fleece blanket that I keep in the car just for the movies. I cannot concentrate when I am cold. Plus it makes me have to pee. Cold and wet? Forget about it!
    We, too, had the epic rainstorm. We needed the rain, but slower would have been ok too.
    Lovely post June! Good luck to “Paula” – pushpushpushpushPUSH!

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  28. I have tried to remain above Royal Family excitement, but darn it, they hook me. I think I’ve watched all the BBC specials about what the queen’s day is like, and all that stuff. Though I have no memory at all of the Harry or William being born. Except that I thought, Harry? Is that the best they can do? Harry?
    I hope it’s a little prince because if it is a little princess Ima be all jealous because let me tell you something we were not royalty and I was not treated like a little princess for one moment in my entire life not even when I had the MEASLES.

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  29. Yes, that stupid, stupid Baby Story is STILL on the TLC. Like we really learn anything from that channel. I tell all my clients to please, for the love of God DON’T watch that crap. It sets you up to be baffled by your real birth.
    I am headed out of town for a funeral. My uncle passed away so we are all gathering and I am hoping not too dysfunctionally, either. So I will be out of touch this week. But I will try to read and to get caught up over the weekend.

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  30. Lu wearing her pink tiara is the best picture eveh! At least, I think it’s Lu with Edsel wondering where his blue tiara is.
    That must have been quite a storm yesterday. I hate freezing air conditioning and hope you and Ned don’t catch colds. Fingers crossed for some nice beach weather.
    Will our own Nithya be in on the Royal Baby delivery?

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  31. WE’RE HAVING A BABY!!!!!! AAAAAA BBBBAAAAABBBBBYYYY!!!!!! GGGAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
    BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY,BABY.
    I wonder if they will the little Princess refer to us as Auntie June and Auntie Jan or if we get some sort of royal title now. Her Hignesses, the Duchesses of Awesome, Countess Auntie June and Countess Auntie Jan. That has a ring to it.
    Think of all of the good names Kate (“Paula”. Wink, wink , nudge, nudge) has gotten over the years from this blog. We will be able to confirm “Paula’s” identity when the baby is named Princess Ruby Iris Talullah Gardens.
    A BABY!!!!!!!

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  32. will you still go to the beach tomorrow if she hasn’t had that babe? i mean, you have your phone but will it be the same?
    i hope it’s a boy. the queen – that girl – she needs to retire. some how i think she’s waiting on the babe.
    oh! and apparently charles is not on the scene? wth? dude, if my dad was all famous-y royalty you would totally be expected to have your face around when the babe arrived.
    my dad isn’t even famous and HE was still in the waiting room.
    whadda tool. (as if we DIDN’T already know THAT!)

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  33. I am so glad I didn’t make the news when I went into labor. Good golly. It isn’t so much fun.
    I love that Ned asks if the place is open every time.
    And, I totally agree with establishments STEPPING OUTSIDE every once in a while in order to adjust the thermostat. I mean, how hard is it to push a button or turn a dial?
    Lovely post June!

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  34. There is such a possibility that that will happen!  I mean, how could she NOT read this blog? I'm sure she can identify with buying shoes at DSW and having fur in your vents.

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