...friend/Ned · June's stupid life · Not Grace Kelly

Beach Bitch

I just wrote something for work, then stampeded over here to blog, and I hope I don't sound corporate due to my work-writing hangover. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. Let me see if this is actionable; I'll give you a heads up and we'll run it up the flagpole.

In other news, just slapped self clean across own face.

So hey! How are you? How was your week? I went to the beach. Did you hear? Apparently you didn't if you are related to me, as I came home and fielded several, "God, where ARE you?" calls from my own blood who clearly do not read the fucking blog.

Mel and his nomaIf you SAW me you'd know I went to the beach, because hello, too much sun.

Have I ever told you what Ned–who I happen to love sickening amounts despite this rather despicable trait–does when you do anything stupid? Have I? Have I told you this? Whenever you do something stupid, like let's say you left your shoes out and your dog, who may or may not have an underbite, has taken to eating them. Let's just draw that out of thin air as an example.

If that were to happen, Ned, there, would say, "You know what I'D do, is I'd put my shoes away when I take them off."

"You know what I'D do, is I wouldn't eat anything that may trigger a migraine."

"You know what I'D do? I'd make sure my blind murdery cat wouldn't get outside, so she couldn't blindly murder something. That's what I'd do." (Did I mention the mouse corpse she brought in before I left for my trip?)
IMG_1645June tempts the melanoma gods once again. Story at 11:00.

And that, my friends, is why I had to hear, "What I'D do is put on sunscreen before you even get to the beach. You know what I did? Is I put on SPF 30. That's what I'D do" 789 times this week.

IMG_1683Mr. SPF. The Gallant of the beach. Under an umbrella AND wearing a hat AND wearing sunscreen. Whatever with Mr. Cautious, who by the way got tan anyway.

You know what I'D do if it were legal? I'm not even gonna say it, but it involves places where the sun don't shine. And I don't mean Seattle.

Anyway, despite my…scantiness with the sunscreen, I had a most excellent time with Ned and his family. They were all very nice to me, but that's because I'm the novelty guest, and if I go back next year I am certain all bets will be off. There were 97 children present, and they kept trying to get me to do things that involved action and adventure, and have they not met me? I felt like Jackie Kennedy when she was still a Bouvier and the whole clan wanted her to play football.

"Come on, June! Get on the tube so we can tip you over!"

Okay, see, if you've have LIED as all children SHOULD, and just said, "Come get on the tube and float gently in the ocean," I'd have fallen for it, and THEN you could have tipped me into that jellyfish-filled ocean (yes, we SAW some) (and Ned's niece got stung by one) (and she went, "Oh, ow." then carried on with her day. If that had happened to me, the paramedics would have been called.) (Did I mention I'm Jackie Bouvier without the money?) and traumatized me.

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Ned's family also has a tradition of going to this go-cart place, and slamming the crap out of each other, and breaking each other's spinal cords and oh! It's fun to bruise your family! Fortunately, Ned's sister-in-law is also Jackie Kennedy as a Bouvier, so we stood on the sidelines and watched trepidatiously. And then when I actually saw them do it, it looked kind of fun. So. Okay. Maybe next year I'll go. Or not.

That's Ned's extra-hot sister, up there, who does the exercising and the eating right and the calorie-burning and the walking around being hot thing. She is also the sister who I have copied on doing Curly Girl, and she said my curls are better than hers. Which was nice of her to say and she probably burned calories saying it, but she has the really silky pretty curls, rather than my HI I'M A CURL DAMMIT coarse rastafarian fattening curls.

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I'd say the highlight of the trip was when Ned watched teenage boys do this skim board thing, which is like a surfboard but you go on it right at the water's edge, and he decided he MUST DO IT TOO, and what I'D do, is I'd stay on the beach reading a book and maybe mosey on into the house for a tomato sandwich later, is what I'd do, but naturally Ned got on there and we all walked down to make fun of him and he fell off and broke a toe.

Is what HE did.

Oh! And the ghost child! THE GHOST CHILD!!!!

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This is not the ghost child. This is Ned's impossibly pretty and also poised 13-year-old niece. Have I mentioned the part where when I was 13 I was androgynous? And it wasn't even COOL yet, to be androgynous, so I didn't even have that going for me. There was no "I'm going for an Annie Lennox" thing for me to fall back on. I just looked like a man, sort of, and that was that.

Anyway.

Ned and I took a walk on the beach late at night, and the moon was red and almost full and it was super extra pretty and the whole thing would have been romantic except we kept running into people Ned is related to while THEY walked on the beach. It was like an episode of This is Ned's Life, really.

"Oh, wow, look how the sand is. It looks like cliffs," said Ned, who was right. This somehow led to us sculpting Mount Rushmore into the sand, except Ned kept just making smiley faces and making me guess which president it was. The only one I got was Barack Obama, because he made a smiley face and big ears.

So we were having ourselves a fine time, because who doesn't enjoy presidential sand humor, and as we walked back Ned said, "Do you suppose that little kid thought she was with us till she got right up behind us?"

"What little kid?"

"The little girl. The little blonde girl. She was following us for the longest time while we carved in the sand. How could you have not seen her?"

Dudes. I looked and looked. There was no child that I could see anywhere.

"I think she went off with the ghost crabbing people," said Ned, but I decided it was All Very Dramatic and she was the Child We Never Had. Is what I decided. You know what I'D do, is I'd decide we were followed by a ghost child. Is what I'd do.

I mean, dudes. She was blonde. Ned was a towhead as a kid, and as you know, I am "blonde." I am so "blonde." SHE WAS OUR CHILD! THE CHILD WE WERE MEANT TO HAVE! LITTLE SANDY MICHELLE!

"We've known each other a year and a half. We're almost 50. How is she the child we never had?" asked Ned, who is annoying. I mean, dude, I can't answer everything. I have no ghost logic. It's just how it is.

I see I've rambled on about my trip for 47 years now, and you wish I were a ghost at this point, so I will stop talking. I didn't even get to tell you how our cats were bad or any of that. But what I'D do is stop talking. See. Is the thing. That's what I'D do.

June and Sandy Michelle, out.

49 thoughts on “Beach Bitch

  1. I love the ghost child! I have a small portait of a little red-headed girl holding a ginger cat. I found it in an antique store and bought it, because I thought she looked like our daughter, if we had been blessed to have one! My husband has red hair, and we have cats, including a ginger tiger cat. (I can’t have children.)

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  2. Luckily, Mr. Texas doesn’t say it much anymore. We’ve been married a long time. He’s learned. He’s just one of those super meticulous, extremely organized, everything-in-its-place people. Years ago, he once stayed at the office until 1 am to find a phone number he had written on a little piece of paper. Yes, he could have found the phone number in other ways, but that wasn’t the point. “The POINT was it was LOST, and I don’t lose things!”
    Yeah. Praise Baby Jesus he’s loosened up a LOT over the years.

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  3. The Curly Girl method of cleansing with just conditioner didn’t work for me but I found some sulfate-free shampoo AND conditioner and now my hair looks as if I got one of those late 80s/early 90s spiral perms only it’s NOT a perm!
    I love your “Advertising Helps Me Decide!”shirt.
    Ooooh, Ghost Child! Do you think Ned was yanking your chain or did he really see The Ghost of Sandy Michelle?

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  4. Great post! You are disgustingly gorgeous with the great hair and suntan. Ned and his family are all so cute, and they love you, which is great.
    Can’t wait to hear about the kitty kapers while you were at the beach having a wonderful vacation.
    BamaCarol, that’s awful. Hope you are better soon.

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  5. I had a boss who ALWAYS said “I’m not disagreeing with you.” Every time she said that, I visualized shoving those words up her ass I what I did.

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  6. Oh, I'd have to kill him. You know what I'D do, is I'd kill him.
    Marvin never did that, but what he DID do was say, "I'm not disagreeing with you" when we were arguing. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE YOUR STATEMENT AS CONVOLUTED AS POSSIBLE? "I'm not disagreeing with you, but maybe you should…" Oh, shut up.

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  7. With remarkable similarity to Ned, Mr. Texas’ favorite phrase is “How do you NOT …? Let me fill in the blanks for you.
    “How do you NOT know where your shoes are? I know where mine are. They’re in the closet.”
    “How do you NOT know where your keys are? I know where mine are. I put them in the same place every time.”
    “How do you NOT know where the receipts are for every single purchase you make? I know where mine are. They are in my wallet.” (Ok, I embellished that one a little, but it’s still TRUE.)

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  8. I wish you could have had a lovely time at the beach June and if only you and Ned would fall in love, well then this world would be a better place.
    Neds sister – well different curls are going to react different ways I suppose. Can you imagine if someone with straight hair tried the curly hair method? Their hair would be a mess I think.
    Can’t wait to hear the cat adventures.
    Sunscreen – my cancer surviving son must reapply SPF 10,000 every 30 minutes (not joking about the 30 minutes), doctors orders. He still burns. Especially when he refuses to put it on.
    What I’D do is keep that Ned, that’s what I’D do.

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  9. I am back at work after my vacation and feel kinda lost and disoriented. Good thing my boss has not made it in yet.
    I feel for you with your sunburn, I hope it gets better soon.
    If I ever saw a ghost child, adult, animal or whatever I would probably just die on the spot with fear.

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  10. I’m still waiting for the appearance of MY Ghost Child. Wait. Maybe I have to go to the beach first. Yeah, that’s it. Must plan a trip to the beach. Lucky Letha is already heading to the beach soon to find her Ghost Child.
    Lovely post, June, and amazing non-blurry photography.

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  11. I feel for you, June. That was one hot dog post as A.A. expressed it SO WELL.
    What I’D do is wait for people to get their lazy fingers and foggy brains going.

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  12. Dude, howdaya think I feel? I write 1200 words, add pictures, do a million funny funny funny "What I'D do" references, and crickets. I feel like that scene in Priscilla Queen of the Desert after they do that over-the-top show and there's silence after.

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  13. Really? almost an hour and no comments? Are you all having apoplectic fits because I put an ‘s after Nordstrom? Well, Sor-ry. Jeeze.

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  14. PJ just knows June is FLAUNTING that sun-kissed skin at work today. Don't let them see you wince. says:

    I love how your suit matches the blue umbrella. Great beach colors. And being a fair- skinned one I notice that shaft of light on Ned’s back and can picture the patch of red burn. But wait, Ned wears sunscreen.

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  15. PJ just knows June is FLAUNTING that sun-kissed skin at work today. Don't let them see you wince. says:

    I love how your suit matches the blue umbrella. Great beach colors. And being a fair- skinned one I notice that shaft of light on Ned’s back and can picture the patch of red burn. But wait, Ned wears sunscreen.

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  16. PJ just knows June is FLAUNTING that sun-kissed skin at work today. Don't let them see you wince. says:

    I love how your suit matches the blue umbrella. Great beach colors. And being a fair- skinned one I notice that shaft of light on Ned’s back and can picture the patch of red burn. But wait, Ned wears sunscreen.

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  17. My father frequently saw and told my mother about a ghost child he would see in the bedroom frequently at night. One night after several years of hearing this my mother saw her, too. Scared the living sugar out of my mother. My father had come to accept the child years earlier. My mother never did and would never look at that spot after dark again.

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  18. My father frequently saw and told my mother about a ghost child he would see in the bedroom frequently at night. One night after several years of hearing this my mother saw her, too. Scared the living sugar out of my mother. My father had come to accept the child years earlier. My mother never did and would never look at that spot after dark again.

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  19. My father frequently saw and told my mother about a ghost child he would see in the bedroom frequently at night. One night after several years of hearing this my mother saw her, too. Scared the living sugar out of my mother. My father had come to accept the child years earlier. My mother never did and would never look at that spot after dark again.

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  20. BamaCarol knows you are cute and poised, she’s just hooking up the damned IV at the moment.
    I knew a woman who had this happen after back surgery, Bama, and my heart goes out to you. She is completely well now and I so wish the same for you. Keep the faith, Baby.

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  21. BamaCarol knows you are cute and poised, she’s just hooking up the damned IV at the moment.
    I knew a woman who had this happen after back surgery, Bama, and my heart goes out to you. She is completely well now and I so wish the same for you. Keep the faith, Baby.

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  22. BamaCarol knows you are cute and poised, she’s just hooking up the damned IV at the moment.
    I knew a woman who had this happen after back surgery, Bama, and my heart goes out to you. She is completely well now and I so wish the same for you. Keep the faith, Baby.

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  23. Lovely post June, sounds like you had a terrific time at the beach. I love the beach, I want to live at the beach. We were on the beaches of PEI a few weeks ago. We had lots of fun, but I feel slightly slighted, no ghost child.

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  24. Nice post June! I’m so pro sunscreen. I not only wear a higher SPF face cream than most of my friends, I managed to spend a week in the Maldives with Matt and brought him home still glowing white. He’ll thank me for it in the future!
    Also, love that you were carving presidents for giggles. You crazy kids.

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  25. See what I’D do if I meant to comment on this post is I’d hit “send” on my comment that I cleverly crafted 14 hours ago. That’s what I’D do. Except I didn’t.
    So a belated “lovely post June!” And “nice hair June!” And “your boobs are nice, too June!” None of which I actually said earlier, but it’s the best I’ve got at this point in the day.
    Sandy Michelle? Perfect! Ooooo WEEEEE oooo!

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  26. You are a great addition to the coterie! I am impressed with how well you fit in and how you conducted your Barbara Walter’s like interviews to coax all kind of info out of us. You also deserve your own Saint Medal for listening to all of the responses…especially mine! Who is the patron saint of babbling? Saint Brooke! (Ha! I amused myself there.)
    You were a big hit with all the kids, real,ghost and overgrown. What I’D do is stick with us. We really love having around.

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  27. Dear Sadie and Amish, thanks for your concern. It has been a long couple of weeks and the upside is that I am at home in an ankle to thigh straight boot. I managed to have an MRSA in the knee plus tore the quadriceps muscles so on the 20th, had a second knee replacement surgery. Also, I will have an IV infusion every day for 6 weeks to bust the MSRA that was found. A test came back positive but there was none found in the actual knee when the second surgery was done. Which is good, but I still have the IV to do every day. So the boot for at least 2 weeks before I can start knee rehab and the IV for 6 weeks. This is turning into the lost summer for me.

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  28. I love how you know the Ghost Child’s name is Sandy Michelle. It is the perfect name for the child you were meant to have who found you late at night on the beach with your Ned. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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  29. 12. BamaCarol, noooo!!! Am thinking of you!
    X. Sex-ay Joob is what that gorg bathing suit
    sca-reeems. Joob said totes yesterday, I feel I can say gorg and sca-reeems today.
    3D. Ned’s sister. She looks like all those really fit women who are in my boot camp class who are all super cute and strong and fit and shit and who I want to be. Can she lead a BBP boot camp? I would sign up for that and pay money and travel to NC for that.
    1234. Ned’s niece. Gorg too, but more importantly, looks totally sweet and smart. I pick up old soul but I could be wrong with that. She’s so cute!!
    ****. Ned. Joob loves her the Ned, therefore as a faithful reader, I love the Ned too. These pictures of Ned are great!
    Seriously great pictures on this post Joob, they really paint the picture….like a cake that’s being frosted…the pictures are the chocolate frosting being spread all over the top and sides of the double decker cake and your words fill in the crevices.
    ABC. Now I’m hungry. Great. Crap.
    9. Sandy Michelle Ghost Child. I believe.
    123. Mostly, I just want chocolate cake now.

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  30. It sounds like you had a fabulous time, and I totally think that you have a ghost child! I wonder if she will reappear again? Oh! I hope so!
    I bet all the pets were so glad to see you.
    And I didn’t wear sunscreen to the beach three weeks ago and I am still peeling….
    Lovely Post June!

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  31. Okay I’m screaming down to type my comment before reading the other comments…BEST BLOG POST EVER BY JOOB THAT DOESN’T INCLUDE FIREMEN AND GAY EDSEL!!! OH I LOVE THIS! OH I AM HOLLERING BUT ONLY BECAUSE THIS WAS SO AWESOME!! NOW IMA GO GO (YES, I WROTE GO GO)BACK AND READ COMMENTS AND RE-READ POST!! WHO LOVES NED? ALL OF US! WHO NEEDS TO CALM DOWN? NOBODY! NED IS AWESOME! I WILL SHUT UP NOW but only temporarily.

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  32. Obviously, a great beach time. Ned’s sister and niece are gorgeous, as are you, June. Please regale us with the kitty story and doggie reunion when you have time.

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  33. What great pictures, sounds like a really fun time! Pretty suit. I feel silly now for reminding you to bring a cover up when you already had that snazzy pareo. What I’D DO is give that to Letha when she goes to the beach next month.
    The picture of cute Ned with the skimboard reminds me of Castaway. Somehow.
    Welcome home, lovely post!

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  34. Oh, no! June you fit in perfectly with Ned’s family! Especially with the lovely hair and killer bod in the blue swimsuit.

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  35. I did the curly girl thing today for the first time and am clearly and expert now. My hair is horribly greasy and I have to wash it every day or it is disgusting. I did the conditioner wash thing and it works!!! My hair is not greasy at all. So far I am very impressed with the curly girl method.
    Your weekend sounds wonderful, I am happy you had a great time. The ghost child story is a little scary and I completely agree that it is your ghost child!!
    You look so beautiful in that bathing suit picture.

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  36. well you are pretty hot in the swimsuit picture. AND your hair looks clean too. a twofer!!
    sorry, I hate the work twofer

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  37. Is all of Ned’s family imposssibly cute and poised? I would feel so intimidated around them. Sounds like you had a fun time though and a relaxing one even though you were offering your skin to melanoma gods. Moonlight walks on the beach sounds like the perfect thing right now.

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  38. Didn’t we have another big eared President? No, that was Ross Perot. Nevermind.
    I love that you got haunted by a tow-headed ghost child and that you don’t know how old she was.

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  39. Sculpting presidents in the sand.. wow, you 2 really know how to be exciting! And Sandy Michelle is a lovely ghost child name. Glad you had a good trip and welcome home!

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  40. Well, see, conditioner also has cleanser in it, says June, the Curly Girl spokesperson. It cleanses but not as harshly. My hair does not feel dirty in the slightest. Although I'm starting to look like I enjoy me the spliffs, is what I do.

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  41. Well it appears you all had a great time! Sunburn and all. Screw the sunscreen, it’s overrated. I use it and burn anyway. So there.
    To bad you guys didn’t get to take a family ghost portrait for Christmas cards. Or the beloved Christmas newsletter.
    I’m kinda impressed with hot sister. Her hair looks clean. I’m also freaked out by the whole Curly Girly thing. How the heck to you get your hair clean with conditioner??? And your curls are pretty.
    Wish I could go to the beach. I’m jealous, you and my daughter have beach pictures. Her’s from Santa Monica. And I’m stuck in no-where NM. The closest I get to a beach is the little blue plastic kiddie pool I got for my dogs.
    Glad you’re home safely and glad you guys had such a good time!

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