Today is payday, which is good, because as of yesterday I had $31 in checking and $67 in savings. And I'd been hacking at myself with a dull razor. I don't mean I was Sylvia Plath-ing out because I'm destitute. I'm pretty resigned to being destitute at this point and it doesn't depress me anymore. The whole country's destitute. At least I had whatever 31 dollars plus 67 dollars is, which I believe is around 49.50, and that may have something to do with my destitution.
No. I'd been hacking at myself with a dull razor because new blades are expensive, and why is that, exactly? It's just two slabs of metal in some cheap plastic. That'll be $19.50, please. And I don't know about you, but at my store you have to go up to the counter and ASK for the blades, like you're buying meth. Not that they sell meth at my grocery store, which would be really convenient because my dealer has really stupid hours. Who closes on Sunday anymore? Who is he, Meth-Fil-A?
So, because I knew I'd be getting paid overnight, I went to Rite Aid on the way home and went into the razor aisle. They don't do that annoying buying-meth thing there; you can just go ahead and get your razors on the aisle like a normal person.
And right there is where I saw Rite Aid brand razors.
RENEWAL, it read, which if you think about it is a dumb name because it makes you think of how you shave your legs and the next day it grows right back and why do you keep pushing this rock up this particular hill, Sisyphus? Why not just give up and grow it out and give peace a chance and start wearing wooden chunky jewelry and listening to Joni Mitchell? That's what Renewal makes me think of.
But it was $10 for eight razors, and my Venus razors are four hundred and ninety-six dollars for eight razors. You think I'm exaggerating.
"But will it FIT my razor?" I wondered. Because I'm cautious at all times. I turned the RENEWAL box this way and that. "Compare to Venus," it told me. Well, okay then! I picked up two boxes of RENEWAL, and felt very Aunt Mary. My Aunt Mary is always finding deals like a $6,000 Chanel suit for $2 somwhere.
Later last night, I was on the phone with Ned, putting away laundry, because I'm a multitasking efficiency expert, and I was putting down a clean throw rug in the bathroom for Iris to pee on, so I got out my RENEWAL razors, tossed my old dull terrible-at-parties Venus razor head in the trash and–
"My new razor doesn't fit." I interrupted Ned in the middle of whatever he'd been saying.
Turns out boys don't know from girl razors, and how you can just buy new heads, and how you SHOULD do that because it's better for the earth and how I can't stand to think of those polar bears with no ice and that one floating out to sea on that tiny ice cube, have you seen that movie? Don't see it. Anyway, my damn RAZORS DIDN'T FIT.
"It says compare to Venus Embrace and it doesn't FIT!" I told him, growing alarmed. And don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got till it's gone? I'd thrown out the goddamn trash, so the goddamn receipt was already gone.
"Why would they TELL you it compares to a razor it doesn't FIT?" I asked. Oh, I was mad. I looked on the back of the box. "Fits this kind of Venus," it read, and showed an image .000003 of an inch, with no name on it, "and not this" another image, .000003 of a millimeter. HOLY ACORN OF GOD. NO ONE in this UNIVERSE would be able to see that image. NO ONE!
I called Rite Aid, despite the fact that Ned said, "Can't you just NOT SHAVE tomorrow morning?" You can imagine my sparkling mood. After being hung up on once, getting sent back to the "Thank you for calling Rite Aid" the next time and FINALLY getting a person the third time (mood was EVEN BETTER), I started my story. "Hi. I was in there a few hours ago, and''
CLICK. HOLD MUSIC! She just PUT ME ON HOLD! No warning! Nothing!
I tell you what. Thank god they paved paradise and put up a parking lot, because my pajama-bottomed self was in that parking lot five minutes later, Edsel with me for protection. There was nobody in the store, so thank heavens Kristal, that was the store attendant who was there, put me on hold, because clearly she was overwhelmed with duties. Although I do have to say in person, she was very nice. (I told her my boyfrind had suggested I go a day not shaving. She did the head swing a little. "Mmm-hmm. I hope you told him that was NOT an option.") So maybe she wasn't the yahoo answering the phone over there at Rite Aid.
I told her my story, and she said sure, I could return the razors without a receipt. Oh, thank goodness.
And it was then that I realized I'd only brought one of the two boxes I bought.
And that, folks, is why I now ALSO own a Rite Aid brand RENEWAL razor to go with my stupid RENEWAL blades. And I may go Sylvia Plath with it right now.