Hulk's sex life · June's stupid life

The ding-dang battery on my alarm clock died,

which means I just woke up and the dogs aren't even fed yet, which means my life is in chaos as usual and now I feel like Garfield, hating Mondays. If only I had a pan of lasagna to dive into. So I will just ask, based on another hard-hitting conversation Ned and I had:… Continue reading The ding-dang battery on my alarm clock died,

...friend/Ned · Drag Queen envy · June's stupid life

My bones and silver purse

I have a cat on my lap and one meowing because she's not on, and I'm a little insulted that everyone seems to think there's room for JUST EVERYONE up here. But that is neither here nor there. I must hurry, as Ned went home to shower and then we're (brace yourself) going to a… Continue reading My bones and silver purse

...friend/Ned · Food and Drink · June's stupid life · Money

I got 99 problems and a fish ain’t one

I've had a riveting Saturday so far that has consisted of paying bills and making up a lesson plan for my new student, as part of the literacy volunteering I am doing. I have met the person I'll be tutoring, and oh, I wish I could tell you just everything but (a), I signed a… Continue reading I got 99 problems and a fish ain’t one

Freaky Friday · June's stupid life

Get Freaky with June: Down by the Old Mill ACCCCK! Edition.

This week we hear from Amy in MD. I've lived in several haunted houses. The house I lived in growing up had a child ghost. You could never hear it when many people were in the house, but if you were alone in the house and stood in my bedroom, you could hear the sound… Continue reading Get Freaky with June: Down by the Old Mill ACCCCK! Edition.

June's stupid life · My pets

Shake gently and apply dog carefully

I was so busy with Ned drama last week that I forgot to tell you about Tallulah's brush with death. Which was not even remotely a brush with death, maybe more of a comb with death or even a pick with death. Nevertheless, the other morning I was in here at the computer, as I… Continue reading Shake gently and apply dog carefully

Family · June's stupid life

Number two post of the day

My Aunt Kathy has a tendency to tell everyone her every move. "I think I'll just get up and get a Kleenex." "I'm just gonna check the thermostat." She knows she does it, and yet she continues to announce everything. So today she drove to a large store to buy her some new poop scoops,… Continue reading Number two post of the day

...friend/Ned · Current Affairs · Film · June's stupid life

Gwynneth Paltrow. Irking me since 1995.

Gwynneth Paltrow is such a tool. I KNEW she and that Coldplay guy were gonna break up, because I'd read rumors of her affair, as I stay on top of the news, and once some celebrity couple starts saying "Oh, we're fine. Nothing could be further from the truth" you know they're doomed. So that… Continue reading Gwynneth Paltrow. Irking me since 1995.

June's stupid life · Travel

This tastes awful–here, try it

I wrote something for Purple Clover and pretty much figured it'd get rejected, because it doesn't really have a Purple Clover angle. It did get rejected, so now I am showing it to you. Yay, you get my rejects! Really, though, I like it, my editor liked it, and I hope you like it. Bookends.… Continue reading This tastes awful–here, try it

...friend/Ned · Film · June's stupid life · Snakes

Sheddy

I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you that when you post photos of your handsome high-school-age sons on Facebook, I am over here thinking impure thoughts. I'm THAT neighbor. "Honey, don't walk past Miss Gardens' place in those shorts. Come home from football practice the other way. I just get a creepy feeling from… Continue reading Sheddy

...friend/Ned · I am berserk · June's stupid life

The one where I inexplicably compare myself to 80 famous women

I have been outside all day, clipping hedges and pulling DAMN WILD ONIONS and hauling trash bags to the curb and I really feel like Kat Middleton never has to do any of this. My arms are now shaking from the hedge clipping, and I really feel like Angela Basset would have been able to… Continue reading The one where I inexplicably compare myself to 80 famous women

Freaky Friday · June's stupid life

June screams over to drop off a Freaky Friday

Sorry I've been too busy to blog. I blame this pesky job and also Ned. But here. Have a freaky story from Outkast Lee.   My father-in-law (FIL) died 9 months after my mother-in-law (MIL). After my FIL's funeral, everyone went back to his house for coffee. I had washed the last coffee cup he… Continue reading June screams over to drop off a Freaky Friday

...friend/Ned · June's stupid life

How Ned and I almost broke up. A riveting story by June Gardens and her tears.

When I met Ned two years and two months ago, he told me he'd never married, and what I told myself was, Okay, Missy. What you are going to have to remember is this leopard is not going to change his spots. If someone's gone this long without marrying, you aren't gonna change him, even… Continue reading How Ned and I almost broke up. A riveting story by June Gardens and her tears.

...friend/Ned · June's stupid life

Heartbreak was going to be my muse

Ned and I almost broke up. I got dramatic about it. Story at 11:00. (Really, story at noon-ish, when I can tell it at lunchtime. I want to write it and have Ned read it first, so he can see what a nutbar I am in black and white, and then say, Wow, I kept… Continue reading Heartbreak was going to be my muse

I hate everything · June's stupid life

June Bright and Dark

I am feeling blue again. I was thinking that, in order to cheer up, what I'd like today is for you to say something nice about each other in the comments. If you always laugh at one commentor's hilarity, or you think about another's problems even when you're not here, let us know. Or here's… Continue reading June Bright and Dark

I hate everything · June's stupid life

Life is just a fantasty, can’t you live this fantasy life

If you didn't have to be living your regular life today: going to work, slopping hogs, shooting up, taking kids to school, being a prima ballerina, robbing a bank, managing a 7-Eleven, doing six loads of laundry, doing green Jello shots...If you didn't have to do any of those routine things and you could be… Continue reading Life is just a fantasty, can’t you live this fantasy life

...friend/Ned · Friends · June's stupid life · Marvin

A whole new world

It's Sunday afternoon, and it's raining, and this is the time of week I love. I adore Sundays, and I guess it's because I'm lucky enough to not hate my job. So I don't get that awful Sunday Wonderful World of Disney feeling where I dread the next day. It was a busildy weekend, and… Continue reading A whole new world

Drag Queen envy · June's stupid life

June goes dancing with the Naughty Professor. A gay old time.

What I did not know about gay bars here is that they have dancing boys. Wearing just skimpy underwear. And put down the phone. I don't mean they were seven years old. I mean these boys were born in 1991, as was the person standing in line behind me to get in to said excellent… Continue reading June goes dancing with the Naughty Professor. A gay old time.

Freaky Friday · June's stupid life

Get Freaky with June: Transsexual Fish Edition

It's Friday, so it's time for another of your freakazoid stories. And, yes, I too love me for saying, "freakazoid." While we're at it, let me tell you that there's no parking, baby. No parking on the dance floor. Anyway. Before I turn you over to this week's story, let me tell you about the… Continue reading Get Freaky with June: Transsexual Fish Edition

Beauty products · Faithful Readers · June's stupid life

SHARE IF YOU LOVE V!

One of my male friends emailed me the other day. "I feel like only you would appreciate this," he wrote, sending me a NOT SAFE FOR WORK website. So if you're at work, Ima just tell you. It's a perfume, called Vulva: Scent of a Woman, and it has...the scent of a woman, I am… Continue reading SHARE IF YOU LOVE V!