It is Wednesday evening and I am finally trusting Typepad enough to tell you the rest of my Easter weekend, and there I go being insensitive to other religions again. I didn't even CELEBRATE Easter, so I don't know why I keep calling it that, other than I got Good Friday off, which by the way is another reason to move to the South.
So, after Ned and I bought the nails and watched the documentary, we went out to eat on one of those days of the…Easter-ish weekend, and where we went was this restaurant we go to all the time, and we know the whole wait staff, and have opinions about all of them, and the point is, it was finally warm enough to eat outside. The other point is, they have tomato basil blue cheese soup. Yes, it IS goddammit good.
When we were first dating, Ned and I went to that restaurant at night, and sat outside, and I promise you it was black as pitch back there. They really hadn't yet gotten down the whole "light it up at night" concept, and the whole time we kept wondering what, exactly, we were eating.
But on this day, the sun was shining and it was beautiful out. We sat down next to what was clearly a dad, mom and daughter, who was probably in her early 30s. I say they were related because all three of them were perfectly circular people. Really. They were the roundest trio you've ever seen. I think they'd all eaten the dinner candy over at the chocolate factory and had turned violet, Violet.
The daughter? Never stopped talking. Never. Not once. Not ever. Even when other people talked, she talked over them. Do people just have no concept that they're talking nonstop?
Naturally, I glanced over at Ned, and I'm sure I had what my high school best friend always called The Hawk Look, where I am nothing but a giant grimace.
"I know," said Ned, who was of course studying his menu. I don't know why the waiters even try to come over for the first half hour. "I just need a little more time," he always tells them, as my bones become more and more prominent. They probably talk about us every time we walk in there. "Oh, here comes Mr. Memorize the Menu and his girlfriend Hawk Look."
The Circles of Life eventually left, with that daughter yammering all the way to the car, and they were replaced by a woefully attractive couple with two very cute little kids, and?
Their soccer ball.
THEIR SOCCER BALLLLLLL. Which the kids KICKED AT each other between the tables. While we were all eating. The parents drank beer and looked off into the distance. Eventually we could hear they had accents.
"Ohhhh, they're European," said Ned. "That's why they're that way." Ned apparently minored in European People Studies in college. But really, knowing they were European somehow made it less heinous. However, the children, when they weren't kicking a goddamn ball, kept running up to tables and staring at other diners.
"Notice how everyone else is all enthusiastic and friendly to those children?" asked Ned, "And you and I gave them one look and those kids went away? Look at that Hulk-looking guy, being all nice to them. Wow, that guy really does look like Hulk," Ned was looking behind me.
"He does," I said, turning, "except something's off about him, something's not quite Hulk-ish. Oh! I got it! He's with a woman!"
And THAT'S when we were given the official World's Worst People plaque for 2014.
The other thing that happened this weekend that makes me terrible is we were walking my curs, and I was a little ahead of Ned and Edsel (I gave him Edsel to walk. heeeeeee!) (Please see above reference to World's Worst Person), and we came to a neighbor's yard.
"Oh, look at her flowers," I said back to Ned, my voice raised a little so he could hear me. "The old woman who lived here had absolutely gorgeous flowers all season, and they look awful now. I don't even know if she died or what, but if she saw this she'd be pissed. Oooo, her house is for sale!"
I lifted the flap on the sign, to see a flyer on the house. "Damn, no flyers. I'd love to know what they're asking." We walked on, and as we passed the car in front of the old lady's house, there was a person bent behind the raised hatch of the car, working on a piece of lawn equipment. The smile she gave me told me she (a) knew and was likely related to the old lady and (2) had heard every goddamn word I'd said.
You know those moments in life when your blood runs cold and then freezes up and you fall over dead and unfortunately come back to life, found a peanut found a peanut found a peeeeeenut just now? You know those moments?
I had one.
"Oh my GOD!" I wailed once we were out of hearing range. "What?" said Ned. "You think she heard you? Oh, she didn't hear you, no way!"
Dudes. She so heard me.
Yeah. So that was not at all awful.
Oh! And finally, on Sunday morning, while people were in church, Ned and I schlepped off to the Science Center here, because they had baby otters, and also a big giant T. Rex, as opposed to one of those tiny T. Rexes we've heard so much about, and also we wanted to see the tigers they have there. Our theory was everyone was at church and the center would be uncrowded, and we were mostly right, and every time we saw a kid we played "Jewish, Muslim or Atheist?"
Please refer to our plaque, above.
We went into the planetarium and saw a short film all about Sue the T. Rex, and it was really cool because it was projected onto the ceiling of the planetarium and that's always just cool as shit, seeing things on the ceiling like that.
Then we stampeded off the see the real Sue the T. Rex, and my only complaint is she never performed Bang a Gong. I blame Sue.
You got the teeth of the hydra upon you. I've always liked that line. Because it makes sense in so many different ways.
Anyway, everything at the science center was as cool as we hoped it'd be, not that this was our first rodeo, and don't you hate people who say, "This isn't my first rodeo"? The point is, we went to the outdoor part to see the tigers, and on our way out, without knowing there even was such a thing to see, was
Here he is, and OH MY GOD HE WAS REDUNKULOUS. Yes, I just said redunkulous, and sue me. It's not my first rodeo. I am sorry to tell you that Ned did an impeccable impression of him when we got home, and I wish my DAMN CAMERA would have worked.
But here's Ned's photo of one of the tigers, with whom I am obsessed and I WANT A TIGER.
So finally, as our day was winding down, we headed off to one last monkey exhibit. There was a hammock right in front of our little window, and a blonde monkey came right over and splayed all on it. We were charmed. Then her black monkey friend joined her, and gave us this look.
I know it's hard to see with the glass and all, but he was glaring at us, I think. Then? He turned around to address the blonde monkey, and address her he did, because let's just say what they did next is illegal in some states.
I wish I could tell you the degree of our delight. The whole "What was your favorite part?" conversation on the way home was pretty useless, because you can't beat monkey sodomy during your trip to the science center.
So there it is. My weekend, which I finally got to tell you about. And now Ned's out of town, on a worky kind of a thing, and I won't see him Sunday through Sunday, except he'll be home briefly on Friday, so we're going to have "lunch." See above reference to monkey untowardness. So in short, I am getting through my week Nedless, but so far I've muddled through. I hope he doesn't come back with his consciousness raised and turn all nice.
That would be awful. That would be like having the teeth of the hydra upon you.