Last night, there was an enormous spider on Ned's wall. It was a major spider. You can imagine my manly response. Ned got rid of it, and agreed it was a giant spider. "I think he was suicidal. He didn't even put up a fight," he said. "I wonder what got him so depressed. Maybe … Continue reading In which Marilyn Monroe is compared to a nut
The directions to my eyelash curler pads are so small I had to use a magnifying glass to read them. No, we're not back to first-world-problem day. Still! How annoying. I can't read anything anymore, and Ned just last night had on my reading glasses with the leopard print and sparkly sides while he perused … Continue reading Apparently, the rhythm got June
All summer, my city is offering free workouts at parks on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. The schedule is on the refridge® at work and torments me daily. "I really should be doing these," I think, as I head for the pudding inside the refridge. A few weeks ago, I went to Tai Chi in the … Continue reading June gets her Zum on
In my continued attempts at thin-nity, I am trying to eat only half a bagel today. This is criminal. I am also eating reduced-fat cream cheese and an antique tomato, as Ned would call it. Once he was getting food, and said, "I also picked up one of those antique tomatoes and it was delicious." … Continue reading Juneshana
A disciplined woman would do yoga BEFORE blogging. "A real woman could stop you from drinking." "It'd have to be a really big woman." Name that movie. Anyway, here I am blogging, not yoga-ing, and why don't you nama my fucking ste, judgy. I wanted to tell you about ALL WE ACCOMPLISHED yesterday, and it … Continue reading Namaste, heifers
I am exhausted. We whacked weeds, fixed the screen door, painted a chair. And yet? There was time for ABBA. Again, it's hard to tell, but here's the original. And I start doing my stellar impresh at about 2:27. I.must.be.stopped. However, you're welcome.
I spilled a bag of peanuts into the dogs' bag of food, so now every meal is packed with peanuts. Kibble really satisfies. And if you think my dogs are persnickety about peanuts in the shell being in their kibble, you must be new. Anyway, I had been wanting to tell you about going to … Continue reading Old flame
Because I go home and do crap like this. (I was so totally watching the real video.) (Oh, I guess I should tell you that person dancing, here, is me, and not Pat Benetar. I know the similarity is frightening.)
but I live near a busy street, and just now a squirrel got hit by a car. It happens all the time on that dumb road. My cat Roger was killed on that road, and Tallulah was hit there, too. She's just too tough of a no-nonsense Pit to let a minor thing like a … Continue reading I know this is stupid
The good news is, I keep forgetting to buy detergent for the dishwasher, so am currently drinking coffee out of soup bowl. My life just gets fabulouser. I have a friend who is extra-super-annoyingly fit, and she and her man have recently damned indecision and cursed it right, as well. Yesterday she said to me, … Continue reading Coffee soup is good food
The yogurt I'm eating expires today, so if I begin to die, please tell that to the paramedics so they can treat me for expired-yogurt disease. Thank you. Remember when we all ate Dannon like it was a thing? Stirred the fruit up from the bottom? I never liked doing that--too much effort. When I … Continue reading Yogurt, furnaces, the Greeks, bawls
Thank you all for your kind comments yesterday for the 8 minutes that fucking Typepad was up. They're under another attack and working to keep this dang site functioning. I'd like to take that HeartBleed bastard and smack him right in his medulla. Despite the fact that Typepad was up for .00002 seconds yesterday, people … Continue reading Nothing a little pineapple Hello Kitty can’t cure
Last night, Ned and I broke up. And what makes me a completely unlikable person is that I can take my agony and reduce it to a scene from Sex and the City. Except I'm in Greensboro. In a '50s ranch. Still. You get my drift. The point is, this is awful. I feel … Continue reading Alone again. Naturally.
Oh my GOD, I just spent hours--hours!!--with Apple, but my PHONE IS FIXED-DED! I am so happy. I have to go get ready, because Ned and I are headed to (wait for it) Winston-Salem to see Marvin's band play. I know, man. We are all the height of sophistication. It's like we're French. But to … Continue reading Dig if you will a picture
I might have been a little dramatic about the Freaky Friday story, but it will show up at the end of this post. So all you have to do is slog through the crap Ima blog about and then you get a nice creepy story. You're welcome. There are a few Ned stories I've been … Continue reading In which Ned does not wish to kick off his Sunday shoes. Also, FREEEK EEE Friday!
A few weeks ago at work, someone put a flyer on the refrigerator, or "refridge," as Ned likes to call it. (Once he referred to "the refridge" and then he said, "Why did I just call it that? I've never said 'refridge' in my life." So now naturally that's all we ever call that thing … Continue reading June Tais One On
Thanks for the shower-curtain-rod advice yesterday. I don't have drywall, I have tile, and the damn thing fell again yesterday. Ned and his engineering degree say that my shower curtain is too heavy, but believe it or not my shower curtain is not beaded and sequined and fur-lined, although it would be if they made … Continue reading Shower Curtain Rod Stewart
Sorry I'm late today. I was super busy beating up my brother-in-law in an elevator. By now I hope you've seen the delightful and riveting video of Beyonce's sister, Solange, beating up poor Jay Z, who always struck me as a normal person but what do I know? I thought Lamar Odom was normal, too, … Continue reading Mostly I just like to say, “Solange.”
This weekend, Ned and I schlepped to see his mom, who lives at the beach, which is not too shabby. Ned and his mom stayed up talking till 2:00 in the morning on Friday, and his entire family must think I'm a peanut farmer, what with my going to bed nine hours before everyone else. … Continue reading Ned does not really wear an orange caftan. I can just see some yahoo taking that seriously.
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