Mostly I just like to say, “Solange.”

Sorry I'm late today. I was super busy beating up my brother-in-law in an elevator.

By now I hope you've seen the delightful and riveting video of Beyonce's sister, Solange, beating up poor Jay Z, who always struck me as a normal person but what do I know? I thought Lamar Odom was normal, too, and it turns out he's all hooked on phonics or hair-oyn or something. Of course, if I had to be married to Khloe Kardashian, the Horse might be looking mighty tempting to me, too. I might be all "I been through the desert on a horse with no name."

Do you enjoy my heroin references? Are you reeling at how hep I am? I once knew someone who was getting off the hair-oyn, and I know you wish I'd keep pronouncing it that way, and he said, "The monkey is off my back, but the circus is still in town." I loved that guy. 

Anyway, Beyonce. And her delightful family. I said yesterday on Facebook, where I discuss all the crucial News of the Day, that my theory was Solange really, really wanted to be the one to push the button. I tell you what, something was chapping her hide, anyway.

Screen Shot 2014-05-13 at 7.52.38 AM

Anyway, this is just the sort of thing that's right up my alley. I love drama, I love celebrities, and you bring me celebrity drama, my whole day is complete. And there's nothing more perfect than the fact that his signature song is I Got 99 Problems But a Bitch Ain't One. It's just all too perfect.

I know as a world-famous blogger celebrity I should be on his side. You never know when some relative might backhand me on an escalator at Belk.

Did anyone watch that Jay Z video? I want to go in and kiss those Pit Bills. I got 99 problems but a lip ain't one.

Oh, and speaking of Pit Bulls, I went to dog daycare yesterday at lunch and retrieved my curs, who summered there while I was at the beach this weekend. Let me tell you something. When those dogs have had four days of nothing but play, when they emerge from that room and into the lobby, they're what you might call keyed up. When the poor 15-pound girl they hired to retrieve your personal pet comes out of there all pulled by dogs like she's doing her Ouiser impression, I always think, "Man. Maybe I should have just, you know, never come to get them."

But I could never do that, because while I pay with two bucking lunatics pulling my wrist off, the sounds emanating from Edsel are ridiculous, and if I ever abandoned him at day care he'd just expire of a broken heart.

Yesterday he whined and squealed and cried and looked up at me with weepy eyes and presented me with a poem on the drive home.

POE-UM FOR MOM

Rozes red

Viol--LOVE MOM SO BAD EDSUL DO! LOVE MOM! EDZ LOVE MOM! MOM

So that was nice.

Last night I slept with 100 pounds of dog, and tripped over 100 pounds of dog on my way to the bathroom, and shared my teensy tiny small bathroom with two dog heads, and everything is back to normal over here. 

Oh, and does anyone have any theories about why I cannot keep a goddamn shower curtain rod up? No matter what I do it keeps falling and I'm ready to borrow Karen Silkwood's shower, I'm getting so annoyed. Let me know your thoughts.

Solange,

June

64 thoughts on “Mostly I just like to say, “Solange.”

  1. Ditto Tammi V.V. I had one of the curved shower rods installed at my dad’s house and it is great. So roomy! Sometimes I take a shower at his house even when I don’t need one.

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  2. Mr. Sticky! Snort! Does anyone remember the Mr. Softee ice cream truck? My mother would snicker every it rolled around, and little me would start yelling, “No, Mama, it’s GOOOOOOOD!”

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  3. You may want to use this stuff called “Mr. Sticky”. Great glue for wet areas.

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  4. According to an article I just read, the reason for the fight is that a couple of Solange’s friends tried to name-drop Jay Z to get into the Met Gala and Jay Z got pissed and then Solange got all butthurt because he hasn’t made HER famous as he allegedly promised.
    Well, Solange is famous now but not for any talent she may have.

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  5. JAY LETH! Will try to save my ass by saying it takes one….
    I had a much funnier response but it disappeared.
    BAHAHA!

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  6. L. in CA wrote, “Tightening the tension rod enough to compress the liner should make the rod secure enough…”
    Are we doing another virtual affair with Marvin using shower terms now? I miss out on everything.

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  7. Hi June…try this?
    “The caps on tension rods are often made of plastic, but even rubber ones are so incompressible that moist, smooth surfaces such as tile or fiberglass can’t hold them. You can fix that by gluing rubber shelf lining material to the ends with strong glue — two-part epoxy or contact cement. The lining material won’t damage the wall and is easy to trim to the contours of the caps with scissors. Tightening the tension rod enough to compress the liner should make the rod secure enough to hold even a heavy shower curtain…”
    http://homeguides.sfgate.com/fix-falling-shower-curtain-rod-87774.html

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  8. I’m still waiting for him to leave the country. He seems to have hissy fits fairly often does Alex. Maybe some time in another country would do him good.

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  9. Dear June,
    If you take the crafty advice in the comments and Gorilla Glue your curtain rod to the walls, be sure to put the curtain on it first.
    You’re welcome.

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  10. BStar, you’re right about yoga not working for Alex. He might even make good on his threat to leave NYC after this latest incident. Either that or perform a duet with Solong.

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  11. I loved how Beyonce was so completely detached from the whole brawl. She didn’t look at either of them. And she moved her dress out of harm’s way. Clearly, she was choosing her ugly dress over her husband and sister. Priorities.

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  12. And he gets an astronomical salary, guaranteed health care for life, pension, and other fringe benefits? While eating ear wax or scab or something?

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  13. Just reading about the Alec Ballswin arrest, I saw a link for a story on a New York Congressman who was caught on live tv picking his ear and then eating it. I can’t look.

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  14. My daughter is obsessed with Yo Gabba Gabba. It is a show for young children. Solange made an appearance in the 2010 episode. Sorry to say, I can see why the Bey is the star.

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  15. Beyoncé is a robot with a finely crafted public image. You will never catch her out there breaking up fights. And you will never know what that attack was about. I would bet that Solo was defending her big sis, though.

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  16. I wish there was audio. Solange had the head-bopping and finger waving going on. It looked like most of the time Jay Z wasn’t saying anything but when he grabs her little kicking foot I had my own dialogue going on.

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  17. In somewhat related celebrity news, Alec Baldwin got arrested in NYC for driving his bike wrong way on one-way street and disorderly conduct. I don’t think Yoga is working for him.

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  18. I JUST said the other day that I don’t understand sister relationships, but if I were Solange, I would wake up pissed off every day. I mean, on the face of it, Beyoncé has IT ALL. Girlfriend was due to lose her shit.
    Haven’t seen the video yet. Just popped online at New Job to post this because my comment from the stall in the Ladies’ Room disappeared into cyberspace. Annoyed.

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  19. I JUST said the other day that I don’t understand sister relationships, but if I were Solange, I would wake up pissed off every day. I mean, on the face of it, Beyoncé has IT ALL. Girlfriend was due to lose her shit.
    Haven’t seen the video yet. Just popped online at New Job to post this because my comment from the stall in the Ladies’ Room disappeared into cyberspace. Annoyed.

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  20. I JUST said the other day that I don’t understand sister relationships, but if I were Solange, I would wake up pissed off every day. I mean, on the face of it, Beyoncé has IT ALL. Girlfriend was due to lose her shit.
    Haven’t seen the video yet. Just popped online at New Job to post this because my comment from the stall in the Ladies’ Room disappeared into cyberspace. Annoyed.

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  21. My sweeping generalization of the day: All celebrities are crazy. Imagine if you just had people telling you how awesome you are all the time, for years, and you had all the money you’d ever want or need. These people do not breathe the same air as you or me.

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  22. The reason you know about it is because I was tasteful enough to mention it the other day. June's blog. Where you catch up on the classy news of the day. And, sadly, that is not how mine broke. But you know what? I'd love to email her and ask what SHE uses to keep her rod up. So to speak.

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  23. is your current curtain rod the twist to tighten kind? they have curtain rod brackets that you screw into the walls and then the rod sits in them. Also does your curtain slide easily on the rod? We were having problems with our daughters’ shower curtain/rod and we installed the brackets AND changed the curtain hooks so the curtain glides freely now. The hooks have little balls across the top of the hook. The combo made a HUGE difference.
    I was thinking the same thing about Bey, other than moving in front of Jay once or twice, she stood there like this happens all the time… I can’t wait to find out what that was all about.

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  24. SHE JUST REALLY WANTED TO PUSH THE BUTTON. That hit my funny bone in a way that I cannot even describe. LOLing over here…

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  25. What I’d like to know is, why did Beyonce just stand there? “Yes, my sister is beating up my husband. La la la, just another Manic Sunday.” I mean. Maybe they were BOTH pissed at him and Solange is the muscle.

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  26. I think maybe glue is more crafty and engineer-y but I can’t swear to it. As I am not an engineer but a craftieer. And a computer programmer which is close to engineer in temmperament meaning I would likely design a flow chart around keeping the shower curtain up on the wall. And test it several times to make sure it would work and then the first time it was really used it would fail miserably. Loved all the computer references re: Marvin yesterday.

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  27. love the “monkey…circus” quote. It’s actually from George Carlin who had a bit of a monkey problem for a while. I have the quote on my frig because of my own problems with monkeys, if you get my drift.
    Yes, get the screw-in shower curtain rod. Of course you will need a special drill bit if you have to screw it into tile.

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  28. Hair-oyn!
    I know it looked like there were multiple men in the elevator pressing buttons, but there was just Julius the bodyguard…and mirror images of the four of them.
    You NEVER attack in an elevator! Everybody knows there are cameras in there. You’ve got to catch him in the limo or wait until you get home. Pure foolishness, but he must have really set her off. One thing is for sure…we will NEVER find out. The Beygency will have that on lock. I’m surprised the video hasn’t been pulled yet.
    So-long from Soul Sister.

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  29. Such a lovely post, June! I am not hip at all, so I have no idea what most of it is about. Tell me about Journey, I will get it. Bon Jovi, I am in. The Rolling Stones. Check. Jay Z? ? I have heard that song though. And now it just seems inaccurate…I think he’s got one hell of a bitch problem.

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  30. Hilarious, even though I didn’t “get” most of it. However, I did understand the part about the shower curtain. The Gorilla Glue will work if it can support two, one hundred pound dogs. That might be the problem…that rod just can support 200 lbs.
    Loved Edz poem. Did The Poet find her pen?

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  31. Dear June,
    You are on fire this morning. I bet sweet Eds had been working on that poem for Mother’s Day and was overjoyed to finally deliver it to you.
    Was the video their audition tape for Family Feud?
    Solange, farewell, Auf Weidersehen, goodbye,
    Sadie

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  32. I like when Solange kicks at Jay Z and he grabs her foot. That just strikes me funny. Protecting the jewels.

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  33. Okay – I am EASILY the least “hip” person I know, but when June asked about her shower rod problem, I immediately thought about Mimi Faust, Nikko Smith and their shower rod fun on “Love and Hip Hop.” (How I know about this, I’m not quite sure.) Made me wonder what kind of gymnastics have been going on at Chez Gardens.
    I love Edsel’s poem . . . so sweet!!

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  34. I just watched that veedeeo this morning and it is bizarre. I like how those men on the right keep hitting the elevator buttons in desperation. That is some family drama right there. And, yes, in the comments section, everyone was riffing on 99 problems in some way.
    Hilarious post, June.

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  35. Dude, when I saw the elevator video yesterday, I just thought man, there really is NO difference between the mega-rich and the rest of us.
    How mortified must B and Z be? They protect their image every step of of the way, yet turns out, they be just like the common folk with their family dynamics. I don’t think Solange is the most-liked person in the business anyway. That video was awesome though, loved every minute of it. I wish more celebrity families would act up in elevators.

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  36. I’m not sure if it would work, but my hubs swears by something called Gorilla Glue. He says it’ll keep anything sealed. If you want a permanent fix, try that!

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  37. Hair dye? Yes, that’s how I read it. Addicted to hair dye. Hey, I am exhausted and yes, I just woke up. Sister seemed a wee bit pissed off. Was that Beyoncé that begrudgingly step in between them at the last minute?
    Have you tried putting up a rod that screws into the wall instead of the springy kind?
    Edsel should collaborate with The Poet and write a book. It was touching. What happened with the pen?

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  38. Crazy creative post as usual, June.
    Use your mad photography skills and show us some pictures of the ends of that curtain rod meeting and not meeting the wall. I’m sure someone will get right on it.

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  39. Given how much better Talu seems to have behaved than Edsel I would say June’s got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one.

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